luvflower Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Hello loveschack. LSS,my fiancé and I are planning to get married in September. Currently there are a few issues that need to be ironed out and they may even be deal breakers if not resolved. But then again they may never change. Below I've listed some things about him. Please give feedback to areas that you consider deal breakers. Thank you! 1. He shows how much he cares often and sometimes over protective. 2. Anger issues: spoke so nasty to me during last argument after I said I felt we needed to separate. He got angrier than I've ever seen him.since them he says he's changed and has his anger under control. 3. He has a one year old daughter whose mom he says is bitter. Does not ever wanna see me so he never wants me to even be around when he picks up his son to stay with us for the weekend. We've discussed my concerns and he addressed some things but the issue of me being around d baby's mother is still a huge issue because he goes to visit daughter for an hour here and hour&1/2,there at his baby's mothers house where the grandmother lives as well,but still. I'm really going from what he's told me only since I've never been there. Its a bit frustrating and he gets defensive when I bring up my concerns. 4. He has a previous record. I'm inclined to believe that he still is involved w/the same type of people&situations. I also feel like baby's mom has dirt on him that he wants to prevent from bring disclosed. Hence him never wanting to go throught courts for custody arrangements,etc. 6.,says baby's mom threatened to not allow him to see his daughter again. Can some provide some insight please? Am I wrong to feel the way I do...? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I don't know what kind of situation you're allowing yourself to be in.....but um....yeah - I wouldn't be in it and here's why..... #1 - He has a record, even worse - you suspect he's still involved with what got him that record. #2 - you don't know either of his babies mothers and you are engaged to him. This tells me his relationship and sense of family is all screwed up. If I were either one of his childerns mothers, I would want to know who you were considering you were my childs fathers fiance and going to presumeably be a part of their lives. My suspicion is you're mis-interpreting possesive behavior as "over-protectiveness" and "caring" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 One correction. He only has one child. Sorry if I made typo,but only one child. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 luvflowr, If you have any doubts at all do not go forward with this. Good Luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 One correction. He only has one child. Sorry if I made typo,but only one child. You say son and then say daughter 1/2 way through your post Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 8, 2014 Author Share Posted April 8, 2014 (edited) You say son and then say daughter 1/2 way through your post Sorry,thanks. He has a daughter. My previous relationship involved a guy who had a son... Edited April 8, 2014 by luvflower Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 If you marry this man, you will be part of the child's life. Under those circumstances, I don't understand why you haven't met the baby's mother. If I were her, I would want to know something about the woman who will be around my child. Once you're married your new husband can't realistically think you can remain apart. I could potentially overlook the nasty verbal remarks & anger issues but not in combo with his previous record, especially if you think he's still involved with those bad folks. This isn't like he's still friends with his HS BFF & they took a car for a joy ride when they were 16. One red flag is grounds for pause. This many red flags means it's time for a detour away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 This sounds like an absolute train wreck to me. I would never marry someone I thought might still be involved in the same behavior that got him a criminal record in the past. I would never even consider marrying someone with baby mama drama. Marriage means you are in his life and his child's life - you need to meet the mother and be able to be civil adults. Even if you are not religious, I would strongly consider reading The Sacred Search about finding the best type of person to marry. It sounds like not only is this guy not right to marry, but you may not know how to pick a good partner either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 luvflowr, If you have any doubts at all do not go forward with this. Good Luck. Bingo. The fact that you are asking other people...and strangers at that....about whether you should get married tells me that you are not ready. What do I see as red flags? Mainly #2 and his anger, but also #4 if he still is involved with the individuals who got him into jail. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Sounds a bit like there needs to be a reality check. Do you really think he's going to change or treat you better just because you say "I do"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Had conversation yesterday about things and now he's making me seem like the source of the problem.I think mainly because whatever way/system he thinks he's dealing with things,I may be making waves/difficulties and he gets very defensive. Right now I'm feeling horrible at work ,I didn't get much sleep and I feel like he's sitting back watching me sweat(so to speak),because I've mentioned concerns but have not cut him off and he acts like he doesn't care right now. I almost left him a month ago but he basically convinced me to stay.now I wish I'd left then rather than going through this now... I feel horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 luvflowr, If you have any doubts at all do not go forward with this. Good Luck. I have to second this. How long have you been with this man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I have to second this. How long have you been with this man? Been with him for one year Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Been with him for one year Luv, this is a short time. It's easy to carry the first 6/8 months of a relationship on the newness & the passion. After that comes the true test. If you are now finding this guy isn't who you thought he was... cut your losses and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 I know you're right. I'm just trying to cope with this while going to work and going about the rest of my life... I know myself and feel like I may need to take some time off/away or otherwise. My next steps and plan of action are what I'm thinking about now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 You've been with him for a year and he has a one year old daughter. That's not a great start. You haven't even met the girl's mother, nor do you even fully understand what's up with that relationship (because he hides it from you). You really shouldn't marry until you reach a level of CONFIDENCE that you can all work together amicably in the best interest of the child. You don't sound anywhere close to that. Instead of trying to resolve these issues with you, he gets angry and defensive and makes you feel responsible for this drama. Is it your fault that he's got these issues? He's got a criminal record, still hangs with the same type of crowd, and it doesn't sound like you know everything that's going on in that part of his life. Not good. Does this sound like a marriage that will last a lifetime to you? I won't tell you to break up with him but I think you should definitely put the wedding on hold until you get to a point where these issues are really resolved to your satisfaction. Some men can change when they are forced to make a choice between their poor behaviors and their SO. Is your fiance one of these men? I think you should make it clear that you're not marrying him under these conditions and then you'll see if he makes the changes or not. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 You've been with him for a year and he has a one year old daughter. That's not a great start. You haven't even met the girl's mother, nor do you even fully understand what's up with that relationship (because he hides it from you). You really shouldn't marry until you reach a level of CONFIDENCE that you can all work together amicably in the best interest of the child. You don't sound anywhere close to that. Instead of trying to resolve these issues with you, he gets angry and defensive and makes you feel responsible for this drama. Is it your fault that he's got these issues? He's got a criminal record, still hangs with the same type of crowd, and it doesn't sound like you know everything that's going on in that part of his life. Not good. Does this sound like a marriage that will last a lifetime to you? I won't tell you to break up with him but I think you should definitely put the wedding on hold until you get to a point where these issues are really resolved to your satisfaction. Some men can change when they are forced to make a choice between their poor behaviors and their SO. Is your fiance one of these men? I think you should make it clear that you're not marrying him under these conditions and then you'll see if he makes the changes or not. Thanks... I'm considering everything you've said. Emotionally though, I feel like detachment is the best next step. Otherwise I can't keep dealing with someone ignoring me and testing me and getting angry and switching moods so sporadically. I need peace... Right now I don't have it. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Thanks... I'm considering everything you've said. Emotionally though, I feel like detachment is the best next step. Otherwise I can't keep dealing with someone ignoring me and testing me and getting angry and switching moods so sporadically. I need peace... Right now I don't have it. I can get all of that. Sounds like a healthy approach. If anything, I might make sure that HE hears all of this, pretty much exactly as you've told it to us. That way, if he wants to try to make amends, he knows exactly what you need to see happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I can appreciate this is a difficult decision. I spent 7 years off and on (and got engaged twice) to a guy I knew in my heart wasn't right for me. Didn't make the decision any easier. Take care of yourself! <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Not sure how things are going for you right now Luv, but if you really want things to work it may be good to just pull back for a while in terms of discussing the sensitive topic of his child child... For any parent who truly cares its a sensitive topic while you still deserve proper attention and fair treatment with regard to the matter. Hope things are a bit smoother today than the other day...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Things are smoother today since last night and him wanting to talk more about it...checking to get a feel for where my head is at. Today he asked for confirmation that I still want to marry him. Discussing this was kool.I just don't like repeating myself about the same things. We both feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lokie Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Luv, I feel for your predicament. I've been in a similar situation. And I recognize that I am speaking from a fully disengaged position, without any of the pulls that you have to him, so please just take this as food for thought. Our minds rationalize things all the time. When I was being treated poorly, I made excuses and rationalized the behavior because the thought of losing the relationship was more terrifying to me than taking the verbal abuse. From my childhood, I tolerated toxic behavior like a champ and believed that was the way love was "supposed" to be. What I have learned since then is that romantic love doesn't include secrets, scolding, blaming, character assassinating… When my partner gets defensive, it is not because I have done something wrong, it is because he has not resolved something within himself. So, please never let him make you feel like you did something wrong/are wrong because you asked for clarification. His defensiveness is his problem, his issue, and something you shouldn't have to feel any shame about. Does that make sense? You deserve to be loved and honored for the beautiful, worthy woman that you are. Best of luck to you. L. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvflower Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Things have been cool since my last post.I'm still thinking of how things got to the point where I'm actually contemplating not marrying this man... We get along so well other than when he sporadically feels that's I'm taking advantage of him or like I'm not responding the way he thinks I should to situations involving another male interacting with me or giving me a certain type of attention... We're going on a vacation this weekend and he's being extra nice&,accommodating now. I'm feeling like he feels more embarrassed than anything, about his sporadic behavior... He knows I like peace. So when he feels like he gets out of line he has started to check himself immediately and check my mood to make sire km not upset with him.I can get punchy at times but I refuse to get that way regularly... Messes up my chi... Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 Good golly don't marry this guy. You seem so desperate. Believe me you can do much better than an angry, exjailbird with babymama issuses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenbrwn Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 In general when people seek advice on a forum about a relationship then list the flaws 90% of the time the advice is going to be to just leave. More than likely if your flaws/downsides were listed here by him people would be telling him he needs to leave you too. Not saying I think you should stay with him just saying keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts