The road to living together just hit a brick wall

[kjohn]

My BF and I have been together nearly 3.5 years. We have had our share of trials & tribulations but have managed to work through them and come out the other side stronger than ever. We are best friends. We have tons in common and truly enjoy spending time together.

 

Marriage is questionable. We are both divorced. I definitely want to be married, but it's not a deal breaker. He has his reservations as he is twice divorced and has been through the wringer with both of them so his hesitation is completely understandable and justified to me.

 

There is absolutely no question of our commitment to each other.

 

We have been talking about living together for quite some time. In the past 6 months he started a new job that is very close to where I live. He now comes over for dinner just about every night after work and then we spend the evening watching TV, hanging out and talking. Just like we would if we lived together…except that he goes home at the end of the night. He has expressed how much he enjoys coming home to me every night and he began taking action on looking for a place we could buy together.

 

I rent and my place is too small for three people (my son lives with me).

 

He owns, but his place is not in my son's school district and it is very important to me to keep my son in his same school and close to his friends.

 

He offered for my son and I to move in with him, but I don't like that it's not in the right school district (even though we have school of choice so he could still go to the same school) and, frankly, as petty as this might sound, I don't like his place and I don't think I would be happy living there.

 

We decided that the happy medium was to buy a new place that we could start our life in together. We started looking and quickly discovered that we like different things so it seems that finding a place we both like in our price range will be tricky.

 

But the real problem is that some discussions have come up in the past couple of weeks that have really scared me. He has started, sort-of, laying down the law as far as what will be tolerated and what will not….especially about my son.

 

My son has special needs. He has Aspergers Syndrome and requires a little bit of special treatment in the way that you interact with him, discipline him, correct him, etc. It's not that there is no discipline, its just that you have to be a little mindful of how you approach the situation with him.

 

Ever since my divorce I have come to cherish the peace in our household. I feel like my son and I have a good thing going. Our home is a happy one. I have to discipline him every now and then….he is a teenage boy for crying out loud…of course he is going to need discipline, but I don't sweat the small stuff. I am much more laid back than my BF who can be a little OCD.

 

I thought that after 3.5 years together, he knew enough about the way I live and I knew enough about the way he lives that we had each already decided that we could tolerate living together. Apparently I was wrong.

 

When I tried to explain to him that his statements of laying down the law made me feel as though my son and i would be living with a dictator and that I would constantly be worried about whether he would be upset if I left in a dish in the sink or if my son's room was messy he just responded by saying that there is absolutely no way he was going to take on a 30 year mortgage and not have the home cared for.

 

So now I am left feeling as though he is judging me. He doesn't think I am a good housekeeper (my place is very clean, by the way…I am not a slob), he definitely thinks my son is a lazy slob (he is very sloppy and it is a constant conversation that I have with him….but again, he is a teenage boy and I am doing the best I can) and apparently he believes that he is going to step in and give my son the discipline that he does not think I am currently providing - he thinks my son can do more and better, and maybe he can but I'm worried about the approach he would take and I won't put my son in a position where he is made to feel not good enough.

 

He and my son get along just fine right now. There are no issues. They like each other, but now I'm afraid to rock the boat.

 

Seems like the easy solution is to just continue dating and continue living separately, right?

 

Here's the problem… I want more than that. I want a family. I want someone to come home to me every night. I want to cook dinner and enjoy it together every night. I want to go to bed together every night and wake up next to each other every morning. That has always been my dream.

 

So now I am so hurt and disappointed that this doesn't seem possible that I am questioning whether to even stay in this relationship.

 

What would you do?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Sad for you. Child or lover. Child always comes first. If you don't trust each other to do the right thing, then seems the relationship has hit it's high water mark. Would anyone else not trigger the same reaction?

 

Fact is, love for a spouse is conditional. Love for a child is helpless and absolute.

[Quiet Storm]

Your child comes first. If you move in together & he is too harsh with him, you son may feel abandoned by you. You have been his advocate and protector for so long.

 

It sounds like your BF may not have a good understanding of Asperger's. There are a lot of people out there that do not understand mental illness or brain abnormalities. They think the person just needs more discipline. Or that they can use logic to convince someone to change their behavior. This may work with an emotionally healthy person, but not someone with Asperger's. It sounds like your BF may be that type. I would point him towards websites or literature about Asperger's so that he can educate himself on the syndrome.

 

If you do move in together, you should have clear boundaries regarding the type of discipline he is allowed to give your son. Him moving in does not mean he has to take on a parenting role. For someone like your son, this would be especially hard to adjust to.

 

If he isn't willing to compromise, then he is not compatible with you. You need a partner that is supportive & understanding. It's possible that due to his beliefs & misconceptions, he may not be capable of being a positive force in your child's life.

[d0nnivain]

How much does your BF know about Aspergers Syndrome? can you get him a book or something?

 

 

As for his "rules" I think you might be discovering why he's been divorced 2x.

[lollipopspot]

Here's the problem… I want more than that. I want a family. I want someone to come home to me every night. I want to cook dinner and enjoy it together every night. I want to go to bed together every night and wake up next to each other every morning. That has always been my dream.

 

Your son's a teenager. Wait until he is well out of the house. Then have at it with this guy. I sure wouldn't get a house with him now. But he's too particular for me, even without a child. A dish in the sink or a room doesn't mean a house isn't cared for or is going to trash.

[dichotomy]

Rule #1 for a potential step parent - is let the bio parent handle the primary discipline. You can debate and discuss off line what is best - out of site of child - but the bio parent handles the bulk of it and decides the approach and deals with the child mostly.