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Feeling guilty and unable to change


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I've been married for 12 years, and am the happy father of 3 beautiful kids that I love with all my heart.

 

My problem is that I don't think I'm happy any longer in my marriage, and I'm sure my wife isn't either. And don't know what I want or should do.

 

Lately I'm feeling angry at my wife all the time, and I don't know exactly why. I'm short tempered, I yell at kids when they're fighting, and respond back to my wife nasty things many times, especially when I'm talking to the kids and she gets in the middle to defend them. She says I'm always angry and that she's always wary of my next burst. To be fair, yes many times I'm not nice or I am angry, but also many times (and I'd say most of the time) I feel happy. My kids love me, love to be with me, love to do things with me. My friends like me, I have excellent work relationships, I'm nice to most people, I'm not conflictive (never had a problem at work). But my wife doesn't like me.

 

She expects me to be that perfectly equilibrated person that never gets angry, that never screams, that is always in control. And God knows I've tried but I can't be that person. And it frustrates me that I can't be that person, and that my wife expects me to be that other person. And I feel guilty and ashamed with her for making mistakes, for not being that always in control and nice guy. And then I'm angry at her for making me feel that way, for never ever forgeting any single mistake. Many times I feel ashamed of looking her at her eyes after I've said something wrong or screamed at the kids, as if she were the judge.

 

I also feel she does not love me anymore. When we have relationships she never kisses me, for instance. When I come back home she gives me the cheeck, not a real kiss. I think I haven't hear her say I love you in years (I do it all the time by the way). I don't remember her giving me a compliment either.

 

In summary, I feel like a monster, guilty, not loved, making me wife unhappy and don't know what to do. Yes I still love my wife and adore my kids, and want to stay with them. But on the other hand I don't want to be responsible for making my wife unhappy any longer, of for hurting her anymore.

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Yes I did. But nothing changed actually. It's one of those situations where you talk, everybody says he or she's going to change, and it all stays the same. Thanks anyway!

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:)

 

 

You need to figure out what you want. The impression I have is that it is still want your marriage if that can be turned around. You need to make your wife listen. You need to make her understand how critical the situation is.

 

I also suggest that you get a copy of "His needs, Her needs" by Harley. I know my H and I found it helpful in our darkest times.

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-what are your ages?

 

 

- how old are the kids?

 

 

- do both of you work outside the home?

 

 

-any medical or psychological issues for either of you?

 

 

- how was your relationship in the beginning?

 

 

-have you always had anger issues?

 

 

-when did things go bad?

 

 

-Are you and your wife still sexually/romantically active?

 

 

- any outside sexual sources for either or both of you? ie porn, masturbation, another woman/another man?

 

 

- have their been any discussions of counseling?

 

 

- have their been any discussions of divorce/separation?

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devilish innocent

If I were you, there are two things I would try before giving up on this marriage. I would seek out anger management classes. You can't always help getting mad, but you can learn how to deal with it constructively. On top of the anger management courses, I would also get marriage counseling. Your marriage is at the point where you should get help from a professional. Don't put it off. The sooner you take care of things, the more likely it is that your marriage can still recover. Good luck!

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