pvroom Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 My first post here. I don't know what to do. My husband and I got married 3 months ago. We got together in 2009, lived together for more than 4 years, have a house, an investment property, we are well settled. Getting married shouldn't have changed things much... But... I feel I pushed him into it, it wasn't really interested in marriage but wanted to be with me. I wanted it, so we did it. We have had a rough time the last 12 months; injuries, I lost my job, we have to buy a new car, the car we have is toast, our dog died... It's been rough. I've had problems with his sister for the majority of our relationship; she started it by deliberating saying cruel things. I've tried to get over it but she doesn't accept me, she thinks I take him away from her. He tells his family too much, he's too much their family member and not being my husband. We've had this discussion so many times, but it goes nowhere. Tonight, he was telling his sister all of our latest problems and I'm sick of it. I don't want her being part of it, she doesn't help, she just comes up with ridiculous comments like "oh well it's not that bad" and "well at least you don't have kids" etc. She thinks her life is tougher, harder than ours. She has no concept that things are relative and what we are getting through is more than enough pain for a couple. I don't know how to make him understand that I need him to put our relationship first. I am genuinely worried that this is heading in a bad direction. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 the first year of marriage can be rough. It is an adjustment because you are no longer dating. You made a commitment & can't just get up & walk out . Now you need lawyers & judges etc. It can be daunting. I wouldn't be happy of my DH was telling another person all of our deep dark secrets. When you tell your husband that this bothers you, what does he say? Did you have any premarital counseling? Did they give you tools to deal with this? Can you go back for some more marital counseling or even couples communications work shops? Link to post Share on other sites
titman Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Hi. Are there any cultural / racial differences between his family and yours? May I suggest not to hold down your thoughts until you explode. You'd better tell him whenever you felt uncomfy with your sis-in-law. And you want to tell him without being emotional, because it'll start annoying him and he won't listen. You might want to even write him a serious letter explaining your thoughts and requests. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
kalika Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 You need to get to marital counseling, like, yesterday. Going outside the marriage for support is a BIG reason a lot of divorces happen. Your marriage should be like a little shell for the both of you. It should be protected against negative outsiders - negative/unsupportive family members, opposite sex friendships, etc. Anyone that's not rooting for you both shouldn't be weighing in on your marriage. A counselor/neutral 3rd party may POSSIBLY be able to help him establish appropriate boundaries with his family members. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Tonight, he was telling his sister all of our latest problems and I'm sick of it. I don't want her being part of it, she doesn't help, she just comes up with ridiculous comments like "oh well it's not that bad" and "well at least you don't have kids" etc. She thinks her life is tougher, harder than ours. She has no concept that things are relative and what we are getting through is more than enough pain for a couple. I don't understand why the bolded is a bad thing. Is this all she says? Link to post Share on other sites
Zimber Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 pvroom, that's some story. Your post is dripping with despair and frustration. There are some points that are not even relevant here such as the "pushed him into marriage" ... Couple facts ... You two are in the middle of a very nasty power struggle and for that, neither of you are innocent. If I had to make a quick decision (which I don't), your post tells me you're a little overbearing and he's a bit of a coward and certainly passive aggressive. I agree you two could use some unbiased help ... the type where you hear it together. I get it, you two have had a string of bad luck, car broke down, job lost, dog died ... toilet backed up ... whatever! One must remain a little tender with the other don't you think? If you're demanding this, that, the other ... stop! Him, OMG, I can't believe he's trashing you to his family. What a stupid thing to do. He's clearly been a bit pampered by that family/mother whatever. Based on the brief transcript you've provided here, there doesn't sound like there is much that cannot be fixed (unless there is abuse, verbal, physical, then it's tougher). Look, you spent years with this fellow and were happy and he you. You two need to figure out what you liked about each other way back when and rediscover it. The first thing, is the toxicity must stop now! Given the nature of your huzbo (if I'm correct), you will likely have to be the first one to end the fight. There will be residual jabs, pokes, whine sessions, but they will decline. Once the power struggle subsides (even partially), you stand a much better chance of influencing him to attend counseling with you. Lose the temper, work on the marriage not the fight! (or maybe I'm all wrong ). Z Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 You lived with him for 4 years, you knew him, his flaws, and his weaknesses. His sister didn't start disliking you just like that out of the blue, you knew this before getting married. You were willing to put up with this for the last 4 years but now you want to change the rules because you got married. Doesn't work that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
down hearted Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I had a similar issue with my husband before, he would vent our personal things to his mom, things changed after i had a serious talk with him. If i don't do it with my family, i don't expect him to do it. I told him, because in a marriage it is up to YOU and ME to fix OUR issues. Sometimes it is hard, my husband has changed a lot, and no matter how long you have been together before marriage once you are married everything changes, it is a whole new playground. The first year of marriage is always hard trust me i know, i went through a roller coaster of events and issues and arguments, but i am amazed in how much my husband has changed for the better. But you need to be part of him changing. go no contact with his family, you need to tell him that they need to respect you, that he needs to stand up for you, and he needs to stand his ground otherwise things will never change and that they will never respect your wife. The more he talks with that family of his the more he is giving way for them to be in your marriage and he is allowing it, this is a huge no no! Sit down with him, talk things out with out arguing do not say you this and you that, say i feel hurt because of this, and it makes me sad when this happens. Be soft, be calm and if he interrupts you pause listen and then continue. Breath it gets better if you both put effort in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts