Fiancees responce to borderline emotional affair with his ex

[lostinthemist22]

My fiancee and I have been together 3 yrs and we currently have an 8 1/2 month old son together.

He had this woman best friend who was his ex and whom he had lived with 5 years ago. He didnt hide this friendship however he did not tell me she was his ex or that they once lived together, i figured that out on my own, womans intuition I guess. He assured me they where just friends and there was nothimg going on as he did not have any feelings for her. Well she would constantly be all over his fb, calling him asking him for favors ect. Everytime I would bring it up he would say I was being irrational ect ect. Eventuallynit evvolved into any time I would mention he would tell me how much better she was then me at listening to him, being there in general and how she always lent him money when he needed it and I did not. All why insisting he wasnt hanging out wit her behind my back.

Two weeks after I had my son he had left his phone at home and I went through it. He was still logged on fb and I saw ALL their conversations. She had been throwing herself at him telling him she still and would always loved him, even basically begging him to sleep with her a few times. All his responces to her advances where either "no and you know why" or he wouldnt respond. I also found out they had been hanging out behind my back for 2yrs and he had been going over to her place and inviting him over to his (before we lived together) to hang out. I was furious, confronted him and told him I was not going to tolerate him. After alotof arguing I told him I didnt knowiif I could be with him anymore. He changed his tune and agreed to the ultimatum which was cut her off or I would walk. He called her the next day at work and told her the friendship was over

Its been almost 8 months since and he has not contact with her. (I've been frequently checking his phone,fb, emails). His behavior has overall immensely improved, he is much more loving, it seems he is ACTING like he is sorry, but everytime I bring it up he refuses to talk about it, says that its in the past now and I will eventually get over it and if I keep pushing he just gets irritated and angry. He just dosent seem to want to face up to it and getting answers out of him about it about is like pulling teeth. I just don't get it, it makes no sense. He WILL have to deal with the consequences one way or the other, theres just no way around it. Does he even understand the damage that he has caused or the consequences of his actions? Sometimes it seems that he legitimatly dosent.

He says he appreciates the things I do for him daily, tells me every other day that he is thankful im here, and that he loves me and wants to be with me forever, we even just bought a nice ring. Im just not sure how to take his reaction.

[Silly_Girl]

You say he must deal with the consequences - what are they? Are the consequences you being entitled to raise the matter any day or time you feel like it so he apologises and feels bad, and you feel better - until the next time?

 

This does need to become The Past at some point. You have chosen to stay with him and progress in your relationship. If you aren't ready to move on, why is this? What do you require?

 

I'm not saying he's blameless but I'm not sure it's possible to stay in the aftermath of this indefinitely and have him forever contrite, and on the back foot.

[Furious]

My fiancee and I have been together 3 yrs and we currently have an 8 1/2 month old son together

 

 

He had this woman best friend who was his ex and whom he had lived with 5 years ago. He didnt hide this friendship however he did not tell me she was his ex or that they once lived together, i figured that out on my own, womans intuition I guess. He assured me they where just friends and there was nothimg going on as he did not have any feelings for her.

 

 

Well she would constantly be all over his fb, calling him asking him for favors ect. Everytime I would bring it up he would say I was being irrational ect ect. Eventuallynit evvolved into any time I would mention he would tell me how much better she was then me at listening to him, being there in general and how she always lent him money when he needed it and I did not. All why insisting he wasnt hanging out wit her behind my back.

 

 

Two weeks after I had my son he had left his phone at home and I went through it. He was still logged on fb and I saw ALL their conversations. She had been throwing herself at him telling him she still and would always loved him, even basically begging him to sleep with her a few times. All his responces to her advances where either "no and you know why" or he wouldnt respond. I also found out they had been hanging out behind my back for 2yrs and he had been going over to her place and inviting him over to his (before we lived together) to hang out. I was furious, confronted him and told him I was not going to tolerate him. After alotof arguing I told him I didnt knowiif I could be with him anymore. He changed his tune and agreed to the ultimatum which was cut her off or I would walk. He called her the next day at work and told her the friendship was over

 

Its been almost 8 months since and he has not contact with her. (I've been frequently checking his phone,fb, emails). His behavior has overall immensely improved, he is much more loving, it seems he is ACTING like he is sorry, but everytime I bring it up he refuses to talk about it, says that its in the past now and I will eventually get over it and if I keep pushing he just gets irritated and angry. He just dosent seem to want to face up to it and getting answers out of him about it about is like pulling teeth. I just don't get it, it makes no sense.

 

He WILL have to deal with the consequences one way or the other, theres just no way around it. Does he even understand the damage that he has caused or the consequences of his actions? Sometimes it seems that he legitimatly dosent.

He says he appreciates the things I do for him daily, tells me every other day that he is thankful im here, and that he loves me and wants to be with me forever, we even just bought a nice ring. Im just not sure how to take his reaction.

 

 

He's a liar...trust that he sucks. The real question is why are you still with him?

 

Trust your gut...it's screaming at you...it's trying to protect you from the truth of who he really is.

 

Actions leak louder than words...the fact that he expects you to get over it and refuses to be transparent is a huge red flag.

 

Ironically cheaters use the " Am I supposed to be punished everyday by your pain but please don't bring up the cheating is classic manipulation.

 

Of course he is not concerned of "consequences" because you have not shown him the door.

[Almond_Joy]

I also don't understand what he has to face up to. He was wrong to compare you to her in arguments, but if you saw their private conversations with your own eyes and saw that he repeatedly refused her advances then.....seriously WHAT is there to face up to? Nothing happenned.

 

Then you asked him to cut her out and he did - immediately. AND started treating you better. Honestly....what more do you want? He can't undo what happenned before but if by your own account he's doing right now, then you need to let this go and trust him based on his present actions - which sound good and proper.

[lostinthemist22]

I guess I should have clarified what I meant by consequences. When I said he will have to deal with the consequences this is what I meant. We either stay together, which means dealing with the backlash and fallout of the innapropriate friendship with the ex. Or we end up seperating as a result of it and he then has to deal with the consequences of that, which would be seeing his son less often, paying money for legal fees and child support ect. Which would be pretty bad for him since he is just starting to dig himself out of a financial hole and has a new buisness which is still developing.

Whatever the outcome, its too late for him to avoid the consequences or "fallout" of his actions. It will smack him in the face at some point regardless of how hard he tries to avoid it.

[Furious]

I read your entire opening post....

 

# 1...he led you to believe she was only a friend and did not disclose they actually lived together and were a couple.

 

# 2....He cheated on you while you were pregnant with his baby.

 

# 3...he only stopped contact with her when you discovered the truth.

 

# 4 ....he has a pattern of being deceptive and only fesses up when caught.

 

# 5....expects you to trust him and get over it and refuses to be open when you want to talk about your fears and concern.

 

I'm surprised that some people only read or see what they want to see.

[Eivuwan]

I guess I should have clarified what I meant by consequences. When I said he will have to deal with the consequences this is what I meant. We either stay together, which means dealing with the backlash and fallout of the innapropriate friendship with the ex. Or we end up seperating as a result of it and he then has to deal with the consequences of that, which would be seeing his son less often, paying money for legal fees and child support ect. Which would be pretty bad for him since he is just starting to dig himself out of a financial hole and has a new buisness which is still developing.

Whatever the outcome, its too late for him to avoid the consequences or "fallout" of his actions. It will smack him in the face at some point regardless of how hard he tries to avoid it.

 

You can't control what he does. You can only decide to leave him or try to move on from this. He clearly does not want to talk about it.

[Almond_Joy]

I guess I should have clarified what I meant by consequences. When I said he will have to deal with the consequences this is what I meant. We either stay together, which means dealing with the backlash and fallout of the innapropriate friendship with the ex. Or we end up seperating as a result of it and he then has to deal with the consequences of that, which would be seeing his son less often, paying money for legal fees and child support ect. Which would be pretty bad for him since he is just starting to dig himself out of a financial hole and has a new buisness which is still developing.

Whatever the outcome, its too late for him to avoid the consequences or "fallout" of his actions. It will smack him in the face at some point regardless of how hard he tries to avoid it.

 

 

Look, I'm not one to take the side of a clear-cut adulterer. I've been cheated on and that's inexcusable. What I'm saying is that you're talking about him as if he definitely cheated on you when from what you shared here, I'm not convinced he did.

 

It's clear he is attached to his ex, and wanted to keep that relationship while marrying and having a family with you. I'm not convinced it escalated to romanticism because the fb messages you saw indicated a refusal of advances on his part. He put himself in a bad position by continuing to talk to this ex when she was obviously encouraging him to cheat. But from what you shared here, he was offered plenty of opportunities to cheat and he didn't. With all the other dumb stuff he's done, that and the fact that he's marrying you when he could have been with her should tell you something about his investment.

 

It seems like you're skimming over those facts, and they're not trivial. If he wanted to be with her he could have cheated or straight out left you. He didn't. He was wrong to continue trying to associate with a woman that obviously wanted him, but when faced with a choice - HOWEVER it came about - he chose you unequivocally by your own description. He's cut all contact, he's given you transparency, he's making many efforts to show you how much he appreciates you and is dedicated to this marriage and family. There's no question right now of whether he's going to stay with you. He already made that choice.

 

So that just leaves you wanting to know why that association with his ex happened, and feeling assured that it won't happen again. That situation sounds like it stemmed from some of his emotional needs not being met. He may be struggling still with the loss of some emotional connection or validation that was important to him that he was getting from his ex. Which would explain his unwillingness to open up about it - because if he's not sure himself about why he did what he did how can he have a fruitful problem-solving conversation about it? Asking "how could you do this" or even "why did you do this" is accusatory and is likely putting him on the defensive. Howyou ask for info is important. I think it would help if he felt, when sharing with you, that you're not just looking for personal emotional reinforcement/validation, but that instead you want to work with him to make the relationship as fulfilling as possible for both of you so that he has no reason or desire to look for emotional fulfillment somewhere else. Some of his responses that you share here give the impression that he does not feel heard by you when he talks to you.

 

It really sounds like you're just waiting fo him to screw up again. The lying by ommission was very bad, continuing contact with a homewrecker was worse. But you've had 8 months now to rake him over the coals for that. To be clear tell him it was wrong and not to do it again if you haven't done so already and then drop it. There's no point harping over spilled milk as he can't undo any of it now, and he hasn't done it since. You will never be able to trust him if you just keep looking for reasons not to. I don't know how you approach him when you ask for info about the ex now and that whole situation, but if it's anything like these posts I'm not surprised at all that he just keeps asking you to drop it. Maybe explaining why you need that information will take him off the defensive? Put it in the context of rebuilding the relationship by saying "I keep asking about what hapenned because I want to know what's missing for you in our relationship that led you to keep in touch with your ex"....or something along those lines. That's the kind of inquiry that creates a dialogue, a space for him to open up about what he's struggling with and hopefully establish some healthy intimacy with you.

 

 

I get that you had a threat to the security of your marriage and that that is jarring. But I don't think staying on the defensive with your fiancee when he is trying to do the right thing moving forward is going to make this situation better. He may need some coaxing and patience to open up nondefensively about his emotional needs and communicate them clearly to you. I hope you will afford him that patience and accommodation. I would not have taken the time to write out this response if, again, it was undoubtedly clear that he's not invested and was ready to or had already cheated. But he's shown the opposite. A lot of men need help with learning how to communicate effectively about emotions, and that's what a lot of this situation seems to be boiling down to from what you've shared.

[Zimber]

Lying - yep

Emotional affair - yep

Keeping an orbiter - yep

Keeping in contact with someone that he's been sexually involved with - yep

 

Did the right thing when you demanded it - yep

Learned a lesson - yep

Admitted fault (some anyway) - yep

 

If it had been a full fledged physical affair, there is work for both people to be able to move on with their lives.

You have to choose to trust him again and leave this in the past (mentioned by others). I know it's tough (believe me), but it is a necessary step.

 

If you need some/more closure, don't assume you're going get it now. It's likely too late. However if you decide to try, AJ's advice was very good

Maybe explaining why you need that information will take him off the defensive? Put it in the context of rebuilding the relationship by saying "I keep asking about what happened because I want to know what's missing for you in our relationship that led you to keep in touch with your ex"

Z

 

edited for spelling police.

Edited March 21, 2014 by Zimber

[dichotomy]

This has similarities to what happened to me - except it was much, much worse in my situation...

 

I agree with those who posted that he was cheating - he was. Liar, emotional affair, disrespectful, etc. Due to the fact that it was an old sex partner it was particularly dangerous deception and hidden relationship. Did he let you meet her before you knew? Hang out with her? Did his friends know this was going on as well? You the only one left out of the loop?

 

 

Stop calling it "borderline" ...you are not facing what you really feel about this....he CHEATED on you and was unfaithful. You are mad, hurt, and he f'ed up - call it what it was and get it out - in therapy.

 

It sounds like perhaps your partner does not really have much regret - common among cheaters...he just got busted - you pushed him to the wall and MADE him make a choice. I suggest counseling - and someone who will get him to take more ownership over his lying and hidden EA.

 

Trust me on this one - hit it hard in couples therapy right now now - really let it all out...don't let it tickle reconcile.

 

Also have you done some more in depth spying to make sure he is not in contact - and they simply did not take it more underground? Suggest you do this.

Edited March 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[lostinthemist22]

I've never really thought of it like that. You all have valid points. I know he is trying, really hard. We did have a conversation last night, he told me he thinks very differently from me so its hard to see things from my POV. He also said he knows he screwed up and is trying really hard to make it better, and has been doing everything I've asked (mostly true). And that he just tells me to get over it bc he is frustrated and dosent know what else to do or how to respond.

A previous poster had said it sounded this sounds like a communication problem, well you are right. That is probably to some extent, what led to the "friendship" to spiral out of control like that. Do I think he's still talking to her? No, that much I believe. Yes it would be possible for him to do so in secret, but I think if he did that she would try to blow his cover seeing as how she never really wanted our relationship to succeed. Hiding all comtact with her would be alotof work, and chances are very high he would slip up. I'm not overly worried about them talking. The way I see it if he really wants to talk to her he will do so regardless of what I say or do.

Someone also asked me if my fiancée had ever introduced me to her. The answer to that is no, we never met in person. I only ever talked to her once and that was when I confronted her about her part in it. She lied said there was nothing innapropriate going on, that I had mental issues and she is so in love with her hubby she would never desire any ther man. Just based on that responce and her behavior overall im pretty sure she would have found a way to weisal out of it even if he did set up a meet and greet type thing for all of us. She became friends with alotof jis with alotof his friends, she even was all buddy buddy with his friends baby mama. But with me she made no attempt to get to know me or even acknowledge me. That speaks for itself

[dichotomy]

I've never really thought of it like that. You all have valid points. I know he is trying, really hard. We did have a conversation last night, he told me he thinks very differently from me so its hard to see things from my POV. He also said he knows he screwed up and is trying really hard to make it better, and has been doing everything I've asked (mostly true). And that he just tells me to get over it bc he is frustrated and dosent know what else to do or how to respond.

A previous poster had said it sounded this sounds like a communication problem, well you are right. That is probably to some extent, what led to the "friendship" to spiral out of control like that. Do I think he's still talking to her? No, that much I believe. Yes it would be possible for him to do so in secret, but I think if he did that she would try to blow his cover seeing as how she never really wanted our relationship to succeed. Hiding all comtact with her would be alotof work, and chances are very high he would slip up. I'm not overly worried about them talking. The way I see it if he really wants to talk to her he will do so regardless of what I say or do.

Someone also asked me if my fiancée had ever introduced me to her. The answer to that is no, we never met in person. I only ever talked to her once and that was when I confronted her about her part in it. She lied said there was nothing innapropriate going on, that I had mental issues and she is so in love with her hubby she would never desire any ther man. Just based on that responce and her behavior overall im pretty sure she would have found a way to weisal out of it even if he did set up a meet and greet type thing for all of us. She became friends with alotof jis with alotof his friends, she even was all buddy buddy with his friends baby mama. But with me she made no attempt to get to know me or even acknowledge me. That speaks for itself

 

I missed the part were this OW/EX was married????....especially with this previous post by you about what you found in his texts

 

"She had been throwing herself at him telling him she still and would always loved him, even basically begging him to sleep with her a few times."

 

Her husband deserves to see this or know about these texts or emails.

 

So he was continuing to allow a conversation involving "I love you, and I want to have sex with you" from a ex lover and a now MARRIED woman? While committed to you? What exactly does he not understand - what view point could he possible have that this was good thing?

 

Is this what you are saying happened ?

Edited March 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[newmoon]

it doesn't sound like you respect this guy at all, and that is going to end up bad for you, not him. you're pushing him away each time you bring it up. if he agreed to cut contact, cut contact, and has maintained that for 8 months, then he is obviously on the right track and it should be left alone. you seem like the type that would throw this in his face each time an argument comes up and that will not work. who wants to pay for their past sins forever? I would think twice about being so hung up on his past and allow yourself to move forward. he's probably upset because you keep bringing it up and perhaps because you took away something/someone that interested him more. and the more you are against this other woman, the more it encourages him to compare you to her and remember why she is better than you, you know?

[d0nnivain]

I must be missing something.

 

 

The father of your child hasn't spoken to his EX at your insistence for 8 months.

 

 

When you 1st got together with him 3 years ago although you knew she was a friend you didn't know the back story -- EXGF, living together etc.

 

 

When you snooped you found him rejecting her advances but not shutting her down or cutting off contact. Still he said no.

 

 

You admit that his behavior has improved since you put your foot down & despite your continued snooping, you have seen no evidence of contact between the child's father & he married EX.

 

 

His behavior has clearly changed but you seem to still want to talk about what happened last year. He bought you a ring & seems to be trying to put it behind you. Yet here you are continuing to complain about it.

 

 

If you want to go forward & build a life with this man & your child, you need to let this go. His actions are honorable, at least from my perspective.

 

 

If you can't let go & stop throwing his past in his face, you can't marry him. A ceremony won't fix your problem.

[lostinthemist22]

Yes she is married. I guess she was single when she started throwing herself at him then she met her husband not long after him and I met. They got married and her behavior still continued. I did look at her fb a few times out of...curiousity. She had pictures of her hubby everywhere and was gushing about how much she loved him and how happy he made her. Yet was throwing herself at her ex. My finance told me she seemed lonely, and would always be complaining about him. I guess she was throwimg him some sob story about how hubby dosent treat her right, so he would feel sorry for her.

As for her husband, no I don't think he knew. I believe he may have had a suspicion somethingwas up because I noticed in a few of her messages to my fiancee she told him she couldnt come over anymore because "she wasnt allowed to any more". My fiancee didnt say much but "ok" in responce. So im guessing hubby was catching on and she was trying to dave face. I've had thought about telling her husband many times. But I have no way to contact him and I'm not going to spend time and money trying to track him down just to tell him that his wife is a two timing liar who is in love with my fiancee. Wouldnt that make me look just as crazy as her, if not crazier? Im sure she would lie anyways.

And whats the big deal? Um shes MARRIED, nothing about that situation was appropriate. Sure he rejected her advances, but the lying kindof overshadows that.

And I do respect him but I will admit I respect him less since finding out. Its going to take time for me to 100% respect and trust him again.

[Poppygoodwill]

Trust is a relationship - ---

 

He has to behave in a trustworthy way.

 

And you have to *choose* to trust him.

 

He sounds like he's keeping up his side. Are you?

 

If you can't bring yourself to choose to trust him, then this has no chance at all.

 

There's only so much he can do to prove he's trustworthy. There are limits to how much he can castigate himself and explain and all the rest. At some poitn you either decide to trust him, or you don't.

 

I don't blame him for not wanting to constantly go down the road of What He Did. Better to focus on the future and the positive, and do your best to put past behind.

[Almond_Joy]

Yes she is married. I guess she was single when she started throwing herself at him then she met her husband not long after him and I met. They got married and her behavior still continued. I did look at her fb a few times out of...curiousity. She had pictures of her hubby everywhere and was gushing about how much she loved him and how happy he made her. Yet was throwing herself at her ex. My finance told me she seemed lonely, and would always be complaining about him. I guess she was throwimg him some sob story about how hubby dosent treat her right, so he would feel sorry for her.

 

This is painfully reminescent of my bf's interactions with his ex. I don't talk to any of my exes and generally look at the practice pretty dubiously, so this ongoing contact was a problem for me. I was POSITIVE something was going on between them. When I asked him about it he said in so many words the same thing bolded above. I don't like that this woman tried so hard to keep some connection withmy bf, but I chose to respect and trust my bf's commitment to me and his word. He's never given me a legitimate reeason to suspect him of cheating, but this whole incident did highlight some differences in boundary perceptions that we have. It's taken alot of non-judgemental observation on my part and communication on both of our parts for me to understand how he conducts his friendships and the emotional component of them.

 

Your fiancee's boundaries, however, sound even more lax than my bf's :-/. Hope he's learned to set some better boundaries.