steve1976 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 (edited) Only seeking responses from men who is married or once married, please. I’m not sexually or physically attracted to my wife anymore, but to other white girls. I have to decide whether to stay in this marriage to live with my otherwise great wife, who might be infertile (I want children, and I know I’m not infertile because I once got someone pregnant (aborted) in the past), or to get a divorce to find someone else. I’m a 38 year old Asian male. My wife is 39 years old, also an Asian. We got married after dating for two years, and it’s been 5 years since the marriage. We come from the same country in Asia, but we met here in North America, got married and have been living here. I don’t have intention of going back home, but she kind of wants to(now she changed and says she is okay with living here). We didn’t live together before the marriage, but we used to have sex almost every time we met. I was attracted to her sexually back then. My penis seemed a little too big for her, but it didn’t seem to bother her back then. We were good friends and lovers. After the marriage, we tried to have a baby, but never successful with two miscarriages. She was 37 at the time. After that, she started to have pain whenever, and we kind of started not to have sex. We, though, still remained as good partners because we still were nice to each other, plus she was always a sweet, charming and caring person to live with. Later, we started having disagreements whenever buying things(car, tv). Also, after she helped me with my work because I needed extra hand, she became judgmental about what I do, and it made me feel neither disrespected nor unappreciated. So, I started getting a little aggressive (only) verbally towards her sometimes. That lasted for a half year. Also we moved (within the same city). That’s when her skin allergy (rash) she’s always had got worse (never on her face).She said the stress and the environment (water, etc.) were to blame (she had it bad when she was in another abroad country when she was younger, but it almost went away when she returned to the home country before coming to North America) . Local skin specialists here still haven’t been able to heal it. She’s been visiting the home country every winter (for a month or two) even since the marriage because she missed her family back home, and she doesn’t like the winter here (and I let her because I wanted her to be happy). And last winter she stayed there as long as a half year, mainly to cure the rash(which got really better afterwards), and meanwhile she went to the school to learn how to build a website. This time, unlike previous winters, we didn’t communicate as often as we used to. I was beginning to think that our marriage wasn’t working when she told me that she’s applied for a job back home to utilize what she learned. That’s when I told her that she doesn’t have to come back here to live with me anymore. She realized how serious I was, and came back. She’d become a different person: kind, appreciative, caring and etc. She apologized for being too selfish, and told me that she wanted to work our marriage. But it was a bit too late. During her absence for a half year, I joined the dating site and started meeting white women. My feeling for my wife had been almost gone, and I started to be attracted to curvy, white girls again like I used to. I had a girlfriend like that before, too. A desire to marry and raise a family with a white woman of my dreams has risen. So I started seeing some while she still was home. Though, when she begged to come back, I couldn’t say no. So, I stopped seeing this white girl and started to live with my wife again. She doesn’t know any of what I’ve been doing. We could maintain good friendship, but the lust for her was gone. So we didn’t have a single sex. She is very nice girl, and I really like her as a person, but I don’t find her sexually or physically attractive anymore. She is very pretty and is in good shape (not fat at all), but she lost her curves (she has breasts, but now I can’t stop my desire for the large breasts and bums the white girls have), and that doesn’t turn me on at all. So I started seeing hookers of my type occasionally and ended up joining the dating site again. Meanwhile we lived together but slept in a different room, and we never had sex during that. After a half year, I asked her to move out to live separately because I wanted to see if I’d miss her, plus I wanted to meet the ladies from the dating site( I still do see a girl once a week and have great sex. She knows that I’m separated, but my wife doesn’t know about this at all). My wife took it pretty hard, but abided my wish and rented a room a few minutes from my place. I asked her to give me some alone time to decide what’s best for both of us. It’s been a half year since the separation, but we see each other a few times a week to do things together. We only had sex once because she really wanted to(which was the first sex in over a year). I really love her as a person. I have a great time whenever I see her. She is a perfect wife except that I don’t find her sexually attractive anymore, because I find the curvy Caucasian girls far more attractive. I even find some white ladies in their 60s attractive, so I know it’s not the age issue. My wife wants to get back with me and is waiting for my decision patiently. She says sex isn’t big part of her life. She now is a totally different and nice, but it still puts a stop because I fear of ending up without any children (from the fact of her age and the two miscarriages she had). She told me I’d better be ready to have no children if we were to get back together, and I understand that. She also told me that she’d go back to the home country if we get a divorce but she wants to know soon so she can still applies for a decent job before she turns 40. And it’s been costly to pay for her rent on top for my rent (mine is the only income source), so I know I can’t keep the things as they are too long, either. I have a high sex drive, and I want to be with someone whom I can find sexually attractive, plus I want the children of my own, but it might not be possible with my wife. But I can’t tell her all that, so I’m using the disagreements in the past as a reason. On the other hand, I really care for my wife, and I don’t want to break her heart and mess her life, being single at her age. I wanted to give us another year to try to have a baby (if we get a baby, we’d stay, if not, we separate), but it’ll be too late for her to get back into workforce in the home country afterwards. I don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading all this gentlemen. Any opinions or advises would be greatly appreciated. Edited March 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Divorce your wife and pursue what you really want. It is obvious you aren't going to change towards her and with so many caveats (parenthetical statements) in your tome, you have already rationalized the decision to have affairs and check out of your marriage. Just do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Since you are a serial cheater, you should ask to have this moved to to the infidelity forum. You may get better advice there. You think your problem is attraction, but your problems are so vast and myriad that I suggest you go to a Life Coach and a therapist, oh, and yes, divorce because this arrangement doesn't sound like a marriage. What you are describing isn't healthy. Grumps 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Definitely divorce, as soon as possible. She’s okay with it since she wants to know so she can move back home and get a job before she’s 40. Get it done! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Time to divorce. You've cheated on your wife and no longer appreciate her or want her. Set her free so she can find a man who will appreciate her. You said she is pretty, physically fit, and is kind, caring and treats you well, or words to that effect. Some other man will appreciate those qualities in her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Please divorce her asap before she reaches 40. As I understand Asian culture, very soon if not already, she will be seen by other Asian men as worthless. Letting her live in hope you can fix your marriage while you know it's impossible is cruel of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I’m not sexually or physically attracted to my wife anymore, but to other white girls. I have to decide whether to stay in this marriage to live with my otherwise great wife, who might be infertile (I want children, and I know I’m not infertile because I once got someone pregnant (aborted) in the past), or to get a divorce to find someone else. I have a high sex drive, and I want to be with someone whom I can find sexually attractive, plus I want the children of my own, but it might not be possible with my wife. But I can’t tell her all that, so I’m using the disagreements in the past as a reason. Divorce your wife. Most of all because you're not in love with her anymore and you want kids, she is unable to have them. And, you've cheated on her, got someone else pregnant (even though she had an abortion) so your actions are showing that it is probably best to move on. To stay married is cruel to her since you have a wandering eye and high sex drive, you'll cheat on her for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Sorry I'm not a guy answering though! Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 So....basically you are here to justify your cheating? Is that about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you all for your comments. Greatly appreciated. If, only if, there are other folks who think differently from the previous six comments, I'd be happy to hear them. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 The **** are you expecting to hear? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Thank you all for your comments. Greatly appreciated. If, only if, there are other folks who think differently from the previous six comments, I'd be happy to hear them. Thank you again. You're out of luck here, buddy. I'd subscribe to cheaterandproud.com.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm a man and married. You, on the other hand, have absolutely no business being married. Set your wife free, ASAP. Or did you want to talk about something else? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 If, only if, there are other folks who think differently from the previous six comments, I'd be happy to hear them. If the preponderance of responses are to set your wife free and move on, why are you expecting/hoping there will be advice to the contrary? If EVERYONE here believes you are doing wrong by staying in the marriage, what alternative advice are you looking for? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Ok, let's try this: "Ooh, you playa you! Just my kind of guy! hell, PM me your email, we can have a good time! Carry on cheating on your wife, she's obviously too dumb to realise just what she's living with, but I love bad boys! Keep on doin' whatcha doin' it's workin' fer ya, you dawg you!" Is that what you wanted? Well kiss my chuddies, it ain't gonna happen... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I'm with the others. Get a divorce so she can move on with her life. It seems like you are conflict avoidant. Which will destroy any relationship you have with anyone. You need to be honest with her. Tell her you're no longer attracted to her. Why lie? Why allow her to believe that it's because of past issues? What happens if you choose to get back together and she gets pregnant? Would you continue to cheat? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Don't be so quick to believe your wife's life will be over because you walked out. If she decides to stay here she will have someone else in no time. Please divorce her and set her free to find true love. She may also be able to produce a baby with another man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 you are being selfish by keeping your wife while you too busy satisfy your own needs. There is no way anyone would agree on what you are doing. From a woman point of view you are a cheater and a poor excuse of a husband to your wife. I feel sorry for her. You punishing her, God see the truth. Why dont you do the right thing, Free your wife so she can have a man who is sutibale to her in the bedroom. Bet she would be very happy in her sex life !!! instead of having a husband that dont sleep with her at all ... that's disgusting! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I think in all fairness if a woman really loves YOU she will not be able to part from you for all those months. I dont see myself apart from my husband that long ever, sometimes I miss him so much even while we are apart for a few hours. Its good there are no children here. You said you had a great friendship before and during marriage. I think she missed her friend but is not in love with you nor does she have attraction for you, otherwise she would be begging for sex from you. You must have sensed this and sought "love" that she no longer had for you from sex, then you got hooked. You seem very emotionally immature to even be asking what to do. As her friend, since the marriage is over, maybe tell her the truth. But honestly, she doesn't love you either and i cant blame her. It doesn't always work when 2 friends marry based on lust not love. Her rash is stress. Likely from living with you and experiencing rejection. You dont realize you should seek counseling because even a curvy white woman wont keep you faithful, you dont understand that true love IS friendship, sex is important but with any partne it can lose excitement. Its a choice to keep loving, to be faithful. Your values are broken. I don't judge you, but if you can let her go, dont get remarried or have children until you find acounselor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
10thengineerharrison Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 My gawd, what a mess. Try being truthful. You should let her go home and give her the chance to find someone who can really love her and not cheat on her. -10th Engineer Harrison Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the comments, guys. The thing is that the white girls that I went out (one for four months, another for 2 months and counting) are visually my type and sexually very attractive, but I’ve never been satisfied mentally. I’m realizing that it’s because I truly enjoy the time I spend with my wife because we still have the strong connection with another… only except on the bed…. So I’m beginning to re-realize that my wife is the perfect one for me, and it’d be nice to grow old with her. And she knows that I'm not as attracted to her as before because I told her, but she said she'd work at it from her side, and is working her best to maintain her looks. I know what I’ve been doing behind her is totally wrong. The thing is that I was truly loyal until we started having disagreements and no sex, partially out of the frustrations among us after the two miscarriages. Part of me still wants to believe that I can be loyal again towards her like before. In fact, I’m not feeling like contacting the white girl again. I know how fragile, silly and stupid I may sound to you guys. Part of me wants out, but another part says that I’m going to regret leaving my lovely wife just to fulfill my sexual desire (and my dream of having my own children). If there are any folks reading this who left their marriage out of sexual problems like mine, please share your insights or advises. Thanks again, guys. p.s. Dear Stillafool, you may be right about her being able to produce a baby with another man. Dear Herself, your words absolutely make sense. Dear CarrieT, I might have to just do it like you say, but I still can't bring myself to it... Edited March 20, 2014 by steve1976 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 What is it you want from this thread? Are you hoping someone will tell you to get back together with your wife? Because I don't see that happening. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 If she wanted a sexual/romantic relationship with you, she would never tolerate this and would leave. This means she's not very hot for you sexually either and is also OK just being friends. She may go along with being friendly and respectfully towards each other after the divorce. But you do need to divorce her and move on. There will be some tears and a few lonelybnights for both of you initially but you already have lonely nights. Both of you will be better to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Steve, you have so much going on inside your head, please see a marriage counselor or a therapist to help you sort this out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steve1976 Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 Thank you guys. Dear Herself, could you teach me your definition of the difference between "two friends with lust" and "two friends with love"? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
DasPope Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Yeah really you need to let her go, you sound like a very selfish person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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