Is this asking too much?

[Mommame2]

My husband of 13 years has always had employment, although I have been bread winner entire time. His position doesn't pay like mine. But he got picky about jobs and started asking me to get him jobs at my company. It was easy because he's talented. Well recently he said he wanted to stay home for our 8 year old who is in school until 3 everyday.

 

He said he would do freelance work and start his own biz. Well 6 months into this... He has been making money. But I don't know how much. I asked him several times to go over the finances and he never gets to it. He went to an accountant a few weeks ago who told him he needs to put 33 percent aside for taxes. (He was loving the gross cash).

 

Tonight I asked him how much he could even GUESS he was averaging a month. He couldn't give me an answer. He says he would look into it.

 

This is very concerning to me because we are tight financially.

 

Am I overreacting?

[LonelyInsomniac]

Not at all. This is both your livelihoods.

 

What are things you're tight on? If he's uncomfortable talking about money, could you two evenly split the bill responsibilities?

 

That's a possible compromise... but it does sound like he's hoarding rather than looking out for you both. If he can chip in - he should.

[Silly_Girl]

I view couples - and even more so with children - as a total team. What matters is the inputs and outputs. Not the £££. If you and he are each putting in a similar level of effort, if that isn't happening it would irk me a great deal and I would want to address it, and properly.

[Mommame2]

Well our finances got so tight, I had to file bankruptcy. He said he couldn't file with me, because one of us needed good credit. But it was dismissed because I made too much money and my husband almost had a stroke over the living arrangement with chapter 13.

 

So I have a lot of debt out there and it's not being paid. I get calls from bill collectors that I just try to ignore. He doesn't have to deal with that.

 

I work at least 10 hours a day and have really grown tired. So it is difficult for me to hear this... When he told me last night he still had about 3k he hadn't been paid for.... I said well... After taxes ... That's about 2200. He barked back "why are you trying to make me feel bad?"

 

I said I'm not... I'm just trying to understand how much you are averaging.... Taxes included.

 

I still haven't gotten an answer.

[d0nnivain]

considering it's tax season, you are not overreacting. I'm guessing that in the past 2 quarters your DH has not paid his quarterly taxes either. Not that you don't already have enough to do but can you run the #s on his company yourself? Buy a program like Quick Books & figure it out?

[Mommame2]

I don't have access to any of his numbers. I suppose I could demand it... But he is not giving it up willingly. And yes he hasn't filed quarterly taxes. However he said the accountant told him he didn't have do.... Just make sure he puts $$$ away.

 

The other thing is I had an insurance check for around 6k I asked that we don't use ... (It was for y lost engagement ring). I wanted to make sure we didn't need it for bills.

 

I found out he deposited it into his account as a "buffer" since he hadn't been paid by vendors.

[Silly_Girl]

I really don't see this ending well unless you two find a way to be on the same side/team.

 

Should you seek mediation so you can tackle this specific issue with someone trained? I appreciate it takes funds but you could both end up a whole lot worse off if you can't find a way to resolve this.

[Mommame2]

He won't agree to getting outside help...since he says he already got this accountant. He made the appt for a time that I was working.

 

I honestly don't know how much he's making. It could be net 2 k or net 4k.

 

And he's not contributing much to our basic spending. I think we are currently living off that insurance check.

 

I could get ugly about it...but it will put him in shutdown mode.

 

What scares me is that I have already considered divorce.

 

I guess my question is... Is this at that level? We also don't have sex often. And he doesn't seemed concerned with the fact that we have no savings, we lease our house and literally have no real investment in our future.

[Mommame2]

So he reluctantly went through his numbers and told me he's making about 2k a month gross and has put some away for taxes.

 

He is also currently car shopping. So it is just all very concerning that he had to sit down and try to determine how much money he was making.

 

 

He also was very upset with me for asking a second time telling me that I really "need to back off".

[Eivuwan]

Your husband seems really selfish. I don't know what to say. He won't allow a mediator and he doesn't listen to you. It's kind of hard to have a marriage when there is no teamwork.

[Mommame2]

Well when I said let's get to a financial advisor he said no because he said he wasn't going to pay someone to tell us aware broke.

 

He thinks he's the hero because he is making money while also avoiding using a sitter. But it isn't that simple. Our house is a wreck. His "paperwork" is all over the floor. He has shown me a spreadsheet before but I couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

 

And he is also encouraging me to quit my job and just do consulting. But it carry the bills and the health insurance right now.

 

He IS making money. But I just can't depend on the amount or the frequency. Yet I'm the one getting the bill collector calls.

[d0nnivain]

Have you told him you are scared? That may go over better than demanding the numbers like you are his mother. Not that I blame you; I'd be screaming my head off.

 

Anyway explain this tax liability is your tax liability. That you want to be a team but he needs to be a team player which requires sharing. You don't want to run him or his business but you do need assurance that the wolf isn't at the door so you'd like to see the numbers. Perhaps he could use your insight, Make him understand that you want to help you both.

 

Play up the idea that you might give up your day job for consulting but you would more insight into the joys of self employment.

[Mommame2]

I have told him I'm scared. I asked him in the beginning by telling my I'm nervous because he deposited that insurance check For living expenses (that was ultimately supposed to replace my wedding ring)

 

 

I told him I want to just feel safe since he is buying a new car and wanted to take on a 450 dollar car payment and put 3k down. Where is the 3k coming from?

 

I did not scream. I just asked kindly.

 

And he just told me that he wants our 8 year old to start acting so he can make money. And our son is now saying he wants to so he can make millions of dollars.

 

Is it me or is something wrong with that?

Edited March 15, 2014 by Mommame2

[d0nnivain]

Does he understand you guys can't afford a $450 / month car payment? You have to cut his spending & knock some sense into him soon or you are going to go bankrupt.

[Turtles]

This would piss me off to no end. But I also don't really understand how you are the one paying all the bills but don't know how much he makes. If he is making money... what does he do with it? Does it go into a separate account... and then he doesn't pay any of the bills? So that means he really isn't contributing any money at all to the household? That doesn't seem fair... it's one thing to be a homemaker but if he makes money he's gotta put it in the pot.

[mrs rubble]

My ex-hubby was exactly the same. I had to take control of the bills and had all my wages direct credited to cover mortgage, insurance, power, phone and rates. He never took any responsibility until I left. Now he direct credits his major bills, but he still sometimes asks me to "lend" him money.

[Mommame2]

That's right. Right now because of the bankruptcy dismissal i am at risk of having my wages garnished. So he is the only one with the bank account. My pay goes directly to his account and he just gives me money. It's awful. I have no control yet I'm making all the money.

 

It's not an easy thing to deal with at all.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Mommame2