Husband found out about previous lover

[BlueJeans22]

I fell in love with my husband when I was still dating my (now ex)boyfriend. I told him how I felt about him, and he felt the same about me. We both agreed that we would exercise patience and respect to the ex, as my husband was also his friend. We really wanted to be together, but couldn't at the time. Without being physically inappropriate, we still shared intimate moments of conversation and such. We both knew we would be together. I was 23 at the time, and right after breaking up with my boyfriend I went to Europe with my friend for five weeks. While I was there I was consumed with thoughts of my now husband. I started to feel vulnerable and worry that things wouldn't work out with us. I started to worry that if he was capable of betraying his friend, would he betray me too? I was afraid of how much I liked him, and made a conscious effort to put him out of my mind and enjoy myself, and enjoy the time I had to be single, which I felt I owed to myself.

Well what happened? I slept with someone. This is out of character for me, but I was in a weird place in my life and in my head, and maybe also in poor company.

I have now been married to my husband for almost three years. Its been like a happy fantasy. We have a baby boy and thought our lives were perfect.

Two weeks ago, he read old FB messages of mine and discovered that I slept with someone while on my trip. Although he acknowledges we weren't together at the time he still thinks it is the ultimate form of disrespect to care for one guy and sleep with another. He has always had trust issues, and it was really important to him that I was "a good girl", a girl he could trust completely, respect, and be proud of.

These past two weeks have been so hard. My husband is in extreme pain, and is hardly able to go to work. We are committed to getting through this, but he thinks the specialness of our relationship is gone forever, and also the way he used to respect me. I feel so hopeless and helpless. Insight, advice, or encouragement please

[Ninjainpajamas]

Tell him you're not a "good girl" you're just a regular girl, I see nothing in your history from what you described here as being the "good girl" you were with your ex-boyfriend while having an emotional relationship with your husband who was also a friend, who you were going behind his back, whom you ended up going on vacation and hooking up with someone else, like seriously, who are you fooling here? your naive husband?

 

And of course, instead of place the blame on yourself you blame your "bad company" and say you were in a "bad place" emotionally as an excuse, look just own up to it and stop playing the game where you shift some of the responsibility onto some imaginary third-party that really had nothing to do with it...nobody is in control of your mind and body, be a big girl and realize you always have choices and control over you, nobody else puts a gun to your head and then maybe you could stop feeling sorry for yourself on top of it and just offer some transparency instead of wallow in some guilt because of how your husband is going to see you from now on and how you'll lose out on the respect he used to have for you, and how much it's hurt him.

 

This guy needs a reality check and to take you off that pedestal of piety. You don't just "accidentally" do the crap you did out of chance, that takes effort, it takes actions and you were conscious and aware of what you were doing, so stop lying to your husband and yourself to try and avoid blame because you can't handle being honest with yourself, that isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

You tell yourself it was ok to do what you did in the past because this guy is your now husband, you tell yourself what you on vacay was ok because you were "emotionally distraught" and confused, and you just had to get pounded by some guy. I bet you've got every excuse in the world to turn the situation back on feeling sorry for yourself.

 

But no, you lied because you're selfish, you kept even that truth away from him because you were selfish and you were worried about the consequences and what you had to lose...you're always worried about YOU and what you've got to lose instead of thinking of your SO, at least for him and to regain some dignity in this relationship fess up and face the things you did without any excuses and try to have an honest relationship...because the shet always hits the fan at some point in time, nothing ever stays a secret forever, the truth catches up to you and if it doesn't by some luck, that doesn't even make it any better but chances are it will...and at the worst time, so do yourself a favor and get the skeletons out of the closet now and stop feeling sorry for yourself and what you've got to lose, and now let me guess....the baby, now it's the baby, you've got to stay together for the baby and because you love each other.

 

Completely typical, it makes all the sense in the world to me why you're feeling and acting this way, which I'm assuming is an anxiety driven hot mess, because you're probably always worried about being abandoned. Now you've got to be in panic mode, but you know how to kiss and make-up, you know what to say and do in case of an emergency and that's probably everything in your power to "save" the relationship/marriage, I doubt you've got any limits, what's you feel threatened then you'd do just about anything...but it's not honorable or noble, at the end of the day your feelings are more important to you than his are to him, his feelings and merely consequential and the only reason they even matter is because it might cost YOU...after all you were happy and satisfied with all the things you had done above, I already know exactly what you are capable of and have a good idea what kind of person you are, and you need to take some responsibility, you need to learn how to accept what you've done...otherwise, you really don't deserve what you had in this relationship until you can do that.

 

I know some people will think I'm beating up on you for some very "normal" and youthful mistakes, but they'd be missing the point here as much as you are, that's not the point here as much, it's essentially the reality of your past and lies and "image" that your husband has of you that was only destined to shatter like glass on the rocks of reality. This is what happens when you take a shet on your relationship, before it even started.

[oldshirt]

I don't see how there can be an easy fix that strangers on the internet can offer here. His image of you and the significance of what he thought you had of your relationship with him has been shattered.

 

You were a young single gal off on a romantic trip in a far away land so you had the right to do it and it sounds like he acknowledges that right. But that doesn't make it any less painful for him. Especially if he was waiting for you to come home and wasn't out chasing tail himself while you were out partying it up.

 

This may require professional counseling and therapy to work through.

[Buckeye2]

I fell in love with my husband when I was still dating my (now ex)boyfriend. I told him how I felt about him, and he felt the same about me. We both agreed that we would exercise patience and respect to the ex, as my husband was also his friend. We really wanted to be together, but couldn't at the time. Without being physically inappropriate, we still shared intimate moments of conversation and such. We both knew we would be together.

 

 

I’m trying to understand the situation.

 

 

You and your husband were in love but not having sex out of respect for a guy you both considered a friend. You were having sex with this friend until you could gracefully break up with him.

 

 

Once you broke up with him you took a five week trip to Europe. You and your now husband knew that you would be together someday but you had second thoughts. You had sex with a guy in Europe and FB several people about it.

 

 

I this correct?

 

 

Did you have sex with the guy in Europe before you had sex with your husband?

[Fluttershy]

I am confused as well. Were you in a committed relationship with your now H at the time or not?

 

Give him some time. Don't rush him to get over it. And think about marriage counseling. It can help to have a mediator in the room.

 

I think np is over the tops in that response. Your story has too many missing elemnts to come to that much of a conclusion. But it is true. You need to take responsibility for your actions. And so does your H.

[DasPope]

If you were not in a committed relationship with your husband at the time I can't actually understand what the issue is.

[bubbaganoosh]

You were afraid that if your husband could betray his friend then he might betray you right?

 

You were the friends girlfriend and you betrayed him just as much as your husband (then boyfriend) did so neither one of you are really honest people.

 

Then you go off to Europe and have a fling after you and the original BF split and are now with your new boyfriend, now husband.

 

This sounds like a soap opera. You guys deserve each other.