I can't find my love and it's killing her.

[JonRob]

I am 29, have been married for 6 years, we have no kids and I am broken.

Back-story:

I met my wife in a christian college where we were both studying to be missionaries. We were both in transition when we met and were engaged in 6 months, and married in 1 year from when we met. We were both virgins, and were saving ourselves for marriage. Which was one of the big reasons we got married so quickly. It was hard to wait.

 

Sometime between the engagement and marriage my then fiancee started acting very strange. After dates or hanging out at my apartment, she wouldn't go home. I'd have work early in the morning and it would be 1am and I would say very nicely, hey babe," I really need to get some sleep, I need to go now, but I'll miss you". She would go literally crazy with anger and feel so rejected by me and I'm understating it. So I feeling very worried for her would stay up with her, even slept in the passenger seat of her car a few times because she wouldn't drive off and I didn't want to leave her alone at night in her car, and she wouldn't come back in the house.

This is one example of many. There was also a lot of controlling behavior like getting mad when I would leave her side for 5 minutes to talk to a guy friend at a party, ect ect I considered strongly breaking off the engagement but couldn't bring myself to devastate her. I reasoned that I'd already made the vow when I proposed, and that real love is a choice and I believed and wanted it to be true that I could choose to be in love no matter what if I just had the right heart and mindset about things.

I was so prideful to believe that I posses that kind of love. Only one person loves that perfectly and unconditionally. But I wanted to be like Jesus, so I believed I could.

 

I went through with the marriage and then things got bad.

She only became worse. Over the next year, she couldn't get a job and usually when it was time for me to go to work, she would start a fight to get me to stay home. Sometimes I was late to work, other times I would come home early when she would call me in fits of tears and threatening suicide. She was constantly angry at little things. "If you loved me you would remember to put the shower curtain back". I eventually broke bad habits, not out of love, but fear. I began to fear my wife. Years later I would lie awake at night, with flashes of her putting a butchers knife in my face asking me to kill her in rage, or her jumping on top of me in the night beating me with her fist. I was afraid. But I cared for her nonetheless.

 

The first year was hell, I would try and see the good in her anger and controlling nature. Saying to myself and her I forgive you, and it is just that you are passionate about justice and things being right. I love your fire. And while that was genuine, I did believe that... I did not love what her fire would do to me when I made mistakes, and or when I tried to nicely confront her about the way she treated me. I think in that year, I was allowed to leave the house for non work activities 4 times, for under 2 hours to play basketball with friends. And each time I paid for it when I got home. I was insensitive and if I loved her I wouldn't ever choose spending time with my friends when i could spend time with her.

 

I was patient and would calmly defend myself and come to her side in parts of her accusation and apologize... until several months in I developed a rage problem. I would snap and break things. I never harmed her. Actually that's not true, I did call her a bitch very angrily sometimes. I would snap when she would be angry and we'd be arguing for hours and I could not gain her forgiveness or understanding. I would break things and hit myself and started biting myself. I felt like I was going crazy. For my entire life and in every other relationship I was a peaceful, slow to anger, never enraged man. (The only rage I'd ever had before was with my sister when I was very young, which was short lived and we laughed about it later, we were both enraged). I am also sad to admit but I must to give a fair picture of the situation, I re-developed my internet porn addiction from my teens. It became a copping mechanism. I fought it and I did confess it to her and to this day the struggle still crops up from time to time.

 

Even still, my wife actually liked the rage and confessed to trying to enrage me because it made her feel like I cared. My calm relational communication style felt passive to her. She had a fear that I would be passive because her Dad was very passive.

 

BUT THEN: My patience and long-suffering paid off. She, very slowly, started to change. She began facing her fears that I would trying and encourage her to face. She faced her fear of rejection by calling her friends to hang out. (She was an extremely out going person when we were dating and had lots of friends so I had no idea how powerful her fear of rejection was) She got a good job and thus had more self-respect (though I always told her I loved her so much and she was amazing, because she was a really good person when she wasn't controlled by fear and lashing out at me every time I didn't spot an eggshell and stepped on it by accident.) She even made more money than I did for several years and allowed me to work less and have time for a personal project. My angry out burst lessened in severity and frequency. Now they are almost as rare as before my marriage. I did start hiding my porn addiction however, because every time I slipped up and confessed it, it would tear her to pieces and she would get so angry and bitter. I was afraid.

 

THEN I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE: After the first year my love was purely choice. I did not like my wife. I hated the way she would abuse me. I convinced myself that I loved her... in a sort of brainwashing, I can do all things through God's help, sort of way. But it was very feeble. None of that excuses what I let happen.

 

My job required me to spend a lot of alone time with my co-workers. Often times it was one on one. One of these co-workers was a beautiful kind young woman. I didn't realize until she started showing kindness to me, but I longed for kindness. I longed for that tender way some woman have. I began to feel extremely romantically attracted to her. She was amazing. We never talked about anything inappropriate. One day we were talking and she said "we should get lunch together and talk about that...". She immediately realized that was inappropriate, I immediately became aware of what my affections for her had become and felt ashamed. I changed the subject. She allowed the subject change. And I never let it go beyond that (not that she would have either, if she was even attracted to me). I began to avoid her whenever possible and she soon after changed jobs. Problem averted right? Wrong! I was tormented by dreams. Just dreams of me and her talking. She had one of those names that sounds like another word that is used a lot. To this day every time I here that word... I think of her (though I don't dwell on her).

Fast forward: I did get her out of my mind and heart eventually. Wouldn't think of her for months and months. Even so, I'd still see her around and I'd still have the uncalled for occasional dream of us just sitting together and talking, holding hands. But I continued to work on my marriage and focused on my wife.

 

YEAR 5: While the problem of "the other girl" was dealt with... I was still miserable. Year 5 was when my self imposed brainwashing fell apart. I realized that I did not like or love my wife (or I ran out of whatever energy I had to keep convincing myself and her that I did). There was a defining moment when this happened. We were fighting about my right to go out and hang out with guy friends. She felt like I should always get home when she got home, and I felt like there should be some leeway there that allows me to be there for my friends. One of my friends needed a friend because his girlfriend had cheated on him and broke up. Finally she spitefully spat "You don't deserve my affections!" I don't know why, that certainly wasn't the worst thing she'd said to me... but I felt a tangible break within me. As if my heart strings were bungees that snapped rocketing my heart far far away. Almost a year later, my chest still feels tangibly hollow. As I said, I am broken.

 

I care for her and I do not resent her. I have always been very serious about forgiveness and have known for a long time that I need so much forgiveness, so giving it to others right away has been one of my strong suits. In fact I care a lot about her well being. I "love" her in an action sort of way, in a I'm dying for you everyday kind of way.

A few weeks after my breaking moment, I confessed to her that I didn't love her anymore. I told her that I'd been lying about my porn addiction, that it was worse than I had let on, and I eventually told her about my brief stint of a wandering heart 3 years before. I hoped that she would stop loving me, stop wanting me and would leave me. She was extremely angry and I she had every right to be. But she still loved me and sort of forgave me. We started doing lots of counseling. Realizing she might lose me has spurred her into finally admitting and facing that she needs to change. She told me she didn't think she could ever have faced her fears until she realized she might lose me if she didn't. She said she had just gotten so used to being able to beat up on me and still having my love (I was very good at pretending that I loved her). I had realized all I had for her was pity. I care for her, I want to see her happy, so I would do everything I could to get that smile.

 

Present day: She has changed a lot. It has been a year and I still have no love for her. I don't know what is wrong with me. Our Councillors recommended a supervised separation. So for a month and a half I lived with my parents. It felt good to be free (even being a grown man at my parents was better) and I didn't miss her at all. (I think that is what the Councillors were hoping for) Now I am still sweet to her and nice. But it is tearing her apart that I can't mean the words "i love you" She has panic attacks. She is starting to be suicidal again. I am even having those kind of thoughts. She has Sever shaking sobs. She used to give me hollow threats that she would divorce me when i would try and confront her. "I would rather get a divorce than face this pain!" She would say. Recently in a moment of calm sadness she said. "I wish you would just leave me so I can move on." I think this time she half-way meant it.

I admitted in counseling that I wanted a divorce wouldn't divorce her unless she wanted it to. I feel like it would be wrong and manipulative to start purposefully acting uncaring or like a jerk to try and make her want that.

 

So now I am in this relationship. I am honoring my oath as best I can. Actions of love without the feelings. And yet I am being honest... in a vague way about where I am at. I don't tell her the full extent of my feelings because they are to painful for her. I was hoping she would hate me because I feel like it would be better for her if she rejected me than if I reject her. But she is withering away day by day... We both are depressed. She said to me last night after I consoled her, "I fall more in love with you because you are so sweet, and you just fall more out of love because you pity me"

 

So now I am confronted with the dilemma.

Should I stay, and watch her wither as I myself continue to wither?

Should I pretend to start loving her again, knowing that I can't keep that up for long, I am spent?

Or should I divorce her and leave her with all our savings? After the house and rental property sold, with stocks and savings... she would have at least 20K in the bank. Probably more like, 30k and no debt. For a 26 year old that's not bad.

And I would start over. Wish her the best.

What do you all think?

[pteromom]

What do you WANT to do? If her feelings, any consequences, etc. weren't part of the decision making process. If it was ALL up to you. If you could snap your fingers and fix everything in your marriage, or walk away and start fresh. What do you want to do?

 

Start there.

 

Because it is possible that you can fix what is broken. Especially with all the changes that have happened on her end. But it is a long and difficult journey, and it takes a lot of dedication and commitment to the process.

 

One thing I noticed a lot in your post...

 

So I feeling very worried for her would stay up with her, even slept in the passenger seat of her car a few times because she wouldn't drive off and I didn't want to leave her alone at night in her car

 

she would start a fight to get me to stay home

 

I would come home early when she would call me in fits of tears and threatening suicide

 

I eventually broke bad habits, not out of love, but fear. I began to fear my wife.

 

I was allowed to leave the house for non work activities 4 times

 

 

...is that you blame her for your choices. Yes, she was manipulative and controlling and ridiculous, but you CHOSE to stay up with her, stay home, come home, do things her way, let her "allow" you to leave. You set up this relationship where she was the boss and you would do what she said, and if you didn't, all she had to do was get even crazier, and you would give in.

 

So that was your fault.

 

And of course, there is only so much of that a person can take, so you shut off your feelings, and got angry about the way you allowed yourself to be treated.

 

Still, she stayed. And changed.

 

And now, you do not know how to turn those feelings back on.

 

If you want to, you can. But it will take some work. Right now, you are conditioned to fear. Inside, you believe that feelings for her = pain. So you don't want to go back to that pain.

 

But you can start over. And do things completely differently.

 

Have you talked in depth about your past with her, and all the feelings you had about the way things were? That's step one, to go through it all in painful detail and rip it apart so it can die. If you haven't seen a counselor, this would be a good time.

 

Then, you literally have to start over. Take her on a date. Act as if she is not the woman you married, but a new woman. Ask her questions about her childhood, and talk about yours. Talk about movies, and music, and college, and friends. Laugh. Go to a concert. Walk on the beach. Picnic in the park. All with no expectations. See if you can rekindle it.

[rumbleseat]

She is abusive to you. It sounds like you are still hurt and angry with her. Until these topics are addressed, your marriage will stagnate.

 

If you feel that they have been Addressed as much as they can be, and you still don't feel like you can move forward and find those feelings of love again, you have a serious problem.

[JonRob]

If there was a button I could push and my feelings would return. I would push it. I have even pretended having a button and pushing it...

And you are right I did ultimately allow her to treat me the way she did. Sometimes not until the 4th hour of pain staking arguing, but I did in the end always give in.

We have talked in depth... many times about these issues over the years. She will often agree that her expectations are wrong, but then when push comes to shove, many times those expectations are still there. I do not "enable" her anymore by letting her always have her way. She still gets her way sometimes, but only if she convinces me that she is right.

We have been doing a lot of counseling. And that has helped. It is hard because a lot of times, she disagrees with the councilors, we meet a married couple that council, one is a pastor and the other has a PHD in counseling. They are great because they only accept offering's for payment and the sessions are open ended time wise.

Right now we are in the starting over and dating phase. I like those suggestions though about conversing as if we just met each other. It is hard to have no expectations. It is like reaching the finish line and not expecting to be finished. But, then, marriage isn't designed with a finish line in mind.

Thank you!

[JonRob]

Yes, I do have a serious problem! I don't want to be the feeble kind of person that relies on my feelings. They come and go even in great marriages. I do however wish mine would come and not just go.

My plan is to just, keep trying until I am FULLY convinced I am ONLY hurting her by trying. Right now I am partially convinced, and I think I am not always a source of pain for her. We have some good nights if we ignore the issues.

[GorillaTheater]

I care for her, I want to see her happy, so I would do everything I could to get that smile.

 

Funny that you should mention this. I think that some, maybe a lot of, men put up with a lot more disfunction than they reasonably should because of early "training": as boys few things were more satisfying than putting a smile on our moms' faces. Some us learned to accept a lot of disfunction between those smiles, though. That's how we learned to relate to women.

 

Your wife is clearly disordered. I'm not qualified to say how, exactly, but suggest that you do some reading on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). That term gets thrown around quite a bit, including here, and there are other posters who know far more about the subject than I do, but I think a little research in this area may be time well spent. It's a spectrum disorder, which means that we all have BPD tendencies from time to time, but I'm seeing a lot of red flags here.

 

Regardless of what's going on with her, the bottom line remains the same: you drawing boundaries and enforcing them. To behavior or words which you're not okay with, I suggest stating simply "I'm not okay with that", and walking away. Let her process that on her own without you being drawn into trying to explain and justify why you're not okay with it. Those conversations rarely work out at the best of times, and in your case I suspect that the conversation will turn into how you're wrong for feeling that way, and you'll be confused and half convinced yourself that you were wrong. Again. For the bazillioneth time. Don't engage with crazy-making behavior.

 

You're post was very heartfelt and honest. You're a good man. This can work, but you can't make it work on your own. Your wife needs to partner with you to get this marriage back on track. She may refuse to constructively do so, and you need to be prepared for that and have a plan. You need to understand that whatever happens, you can handle it, even if it means divorce. That realization alone, together with the understanding that you can only control yourself and nothing and nobody else, will wipe out whatever fear you may have, whether of your wife and her emotions, the future, what your friends and family will think, etc.

[pteromom]

If there was a button I could push and my feelings would return. I would push it. I have even pretended having a button and pushing it...

 

There's no button, but there is a path. You can take it if you want to. You don't need love to start the walk... just the intention of trying to find it.

 

She will often agree that her expectations are wrong, but then when push comes to shove, many times those expectations are still there. I do not "enable" her anymore by letting her always have her way. She still gets her way sometimes, but only if she convinces me that she is right.

 

You both need to change the way you think about this. It's not you vs. her. It's you AND her, working TOGETHER to solve an issue so that both of you get the most possible of what you want. You have to make sure that you are in control of your choices, and she is in control of her choices, and both of you are adults who are free to make your own choices. You have to understand that you cannot be everything to each other... you NEED friends, hobbies, time alone, etc. And so does she.

 

You have to make sure that your boundaries only have to do with you, and not controlling her. So she is absolutely entitled to her expectations. But you are in no way obligated to meet them. She is allowed to be sad, angry, etc, and it is NOT your job to fix that for her. Of course, you should always be kind and giving and loving, but never at the expense of your own freedom to live your life as you choose. It's a fine balance.

 

I had a counselor once who told me that my husband's issues do not have to be my issues, and it changed the way I was in my marriage. I always thought it was my responsibility to make him HAPPY, but truth is, you can't MAKE another person happy. It has to come from within them. So I now can give love freely without feeling like I HAVE to do it, or without feeling obligated and resentful.

 

I don't know if you will be able to get the love back. It's going to depend a lot on her showing that she can be trusted with your love. That it is safe to be vulnerable with her.

 

I like those suggestions though about conversing as if we just met each other.

 

Another fun thing to do is buy some "getting to know you" or "what would you do" type board games. It's a great way to learn things about each other that you may have never talked about before.

 

It is hard to have no expectations.

 

Right now, all you have to do is try. You don't know how you will feel tomorrow or the next day. Just keep trying. And if today sucks, try something different tomorrow and see if it is better.

[oldshirt]

Or should I divorce her and leave her with all our savings? After the house and rental property sold, with stocks and savings... she would have at least 20K in the bank. Probably more like, 30k and no debt. For a 26 year old that's not bad.

And I would start over

 

A buddy of mines wife left him a few years ago. She took her clothes, her car, a few pictures off the wall and left him everything else and just let the court determine custody and childcare and she didn't fight him on anything. He was so hurt that she wanted out so bad that she didn't even try to fight for anything or even ask for anything except to walk away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

 

I think your wife will be the same way.

 

I know you think you are being generous with this offer and you see it as kind of a golden parachute to help soften the blow and soften her landing. But in her twisted convoluted mind she will see this as you paying her to divorce and paying to get away and that you hate her so bad you willing to hand everything over and walk away with nothing but the clothes on your back.

 

When th time comes to save yourself and divorce, at least give her the honor and dignity of fighting for your right to half of the marital assets. At least fight for some of the photo albums and mementos of the marriage.

 

Let the divorce be hard and laborious and painful.

[oldshirt]

.... anyway

, this chick be crazy. You can't reason with crazy. Unstable people are incapable of having stable relationships. A crazy person and a sane person can't have a healthy and happy marriage to each other. You either both have to be sane or you both have to be koo-koo.

 

That being said has she really been getting better or has this all started to make you crazy too so the gap between you is lessening?

 

This can't be resolved untill she gets properly examined, diagnosed and treated. Even then the damage may have already been done. And by now you probably have a few screws loose after all you have been through so maybe if she does get fixed, she will seem passive and boring to you.

 

She needs some secular western psychiatric evaluation and treatment an You both need some professional western secular marriage counseling and therapy. Her mental treatment and your marital therapy may not save your marriage and make you a happy couple per se, but even if the marriage is not meant to be, if you both are in counseling and therapy it will help lessen the baggage and chaos and help both of you recover and move on better.

[Quiet Storm]

It agree that it sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. You should do some research on it. The emotional manipulation, suicide threats, fear of abandonment, controlling behavior all fit. My sister has it and has done many of the things that you describe. There are a lot of articles online about how to deal with Borderlines and how to divorce/ break up with Borderlines.

 

She needs help that you are unable to give her. Borderline or not, her behavior is not normal. Mental illness will not be cured by "praying about it".

 

Living with her has become unhealthy for you. I suggest that you leave the marriage. You are fortunate that you have not had kids with her. But be careful- she may try to get pregnant as a way to get you to stay.

 

It will not be an easy process. She will use every tool in her manipulation tool box to try to get you to stay- guilt, anger, pity, sex, suicide threats, promises to change, lies, etc. She may tell people that YOU abused her. She may lie to her parents & others about the circumstances of the separation. She will play the victim. Be prepared for it.