Caught wife in affair :(

[Mortal]

Hi ok so here it goes....

 

My wife and I have been married for 6 years.. Living together for 10 years. We have 3 beautiful little girls. My wife and my little girls are my joy. Ive was a singer in a rock band and gave it up for family. And ive been working my butt off to support my family. i work alot. on average 60 hours a week. my wife works 40 hours a week. we've both been unfaithful in the past. and we've always wanted to work on us. because we've always loved each other very much. i havent been the best husband over the years. but i try and be better every day. and i admit at times i havent been as emotionally supportive as i should be to her. But the last year ive been trying. And before i totallly start. let me say that as a man i am way to sensitive. and i try to work on that everyday so im not overbearing with my love towards my wife.

 

so our kids are all young. 8, 5, 2 years old. she works everyday and the kids go to daycare. we get home and usually shes off around 5. im usually off around 7 or 8. we spend the little time with the kids that we have left in the day and put them to bed. oh and we see each other for lunch like everyday cause she works down the street. as of lately the last year ive talked with her alot about being closer. i just love her so much. and everytime we are intimate it means the world to me. and im a very open person talking with her about it. i let her know my feelings and shes been super annoyed. she says shes always tired etc etc. so i just deal with the once a week. and i have been learning that helping out more around the house helps her mood. cause its both of our jobs. not just hers. so i do dishes, laundry, talk with her, listen to her, rub her feet, rub her back and its really turned into a joy to be there with her and for her. so the last 6 months i noticed she was distancing herself to me. and shes worked a couple "late nights" which is very odd for her. so now this past month shes super super cold to me. like every sec of everyday. and my gut and her actions are telling me shes seeing someone else. so i start to get really insecure and start snooping. which i hate being that way.

 

long story short i found this device online that recovers deleted text messages from iphones. i grabbed her phone one night while she was sleeping and it took about 4 hours. and IT WAS A NIGHTMARE TO SEE everything and i had warned her about this guy months ago. one text said "you are amazing! i just want to kiss every inch of your amazing body! i cant wait till i see your beautiful naked body again" alot of details like that. oh and another was " when i have to be intimate with my husband i think of you" but let me tell you before you jump all over her or me. there have always been periods in our marriage where we are truly in true love. its just amazing. and i can feel that from her. and this guy is not even that attractive. anyways i go upstairs and i wake her up and say " how could you do this to me?" to us? to our beautiful family? she just denies denies evertyhing starts yelling at me saying im crazy, manipulative, and a liar. i walk her downstairs and show her the messages. and she just says please stop scrolling down. and she doesnt even cry. i didnt yell. i was upset. really hurt and asked her why? and how she could tell me so many lies. and she says i love you im just not IN LOVE with you. And i tell her. You cant be IN LOVE with 2 people at once. You are choosing to be IN LOVE with him. We have so much together and we are generally pretty happy. And we both make an effort to be happier. So after i catch her she says... to be honest i thought this guy at my work was cute 1 year ago. and we just became friends. and it led to this... and you can clearly tell all that shes thinking about is this guy even after i catch her. no emotion just stone cold. well a few days pass by and she tells me shes sorry and she will end it. and that she loves me and we decide we will go on 1 date a week and spend more time together. well a couple more days pass and she says she feels bad for this dude from her work cause she hasnt text him and hes prob worried and doesnt know whats going on. And she says im confused. if im married to a wonderful husband. how could i have feelings or attraction towards another man??? so i go to work and she is gone with the kids and she texts me and says she is doing this to clear her head. she said i know i love you. And she says its not a matter of IF i come back its a matter of WHEN. She says trust me babe. Be patient. And trust that im doing this for US. So that we can get along better for the kids. So its been a week now and she assures me shes stopped contact with the guy from her work. She says they dont text, call each other, or see each other. And we've had a couple of really open nights where shes talked with me openly about her feelings. She says she wants to do counseling to repair this. But anytime shes at work she is unresponisve almost all day at work. I told her i will be patient. And that I love her. And will do anything to save this marriage and our family. So i go home to our house alone every night. And she said this is about trust on both of our parts. Ive promised not to see or talk with girls. And that i will be patient. She assures me that after they were caught the affair kind of ended. Oh and to complicate things worse. the guy at her work shes been seeing is dating another girl at her work. and they have been hiding that from her to....

 

the thing i dont really get. is she tells me how much she wants us to be better. and she wants to miss me again, and want to be romantic with me again. and thats the reason for her leaving. she even was honest enough to tell me she was upset with this guy because he wouldnt leave his GF that works there after she left me. But she said shes realizing that she is having "affair feelings" and that its not love. She admits it still is really hard for her. And i keep telling her i will be patient and i love her. And she tells me to stay positive. She just doesnt know when shes coming home. I have been visiting her and the kids at her dads. they are comfortable and we say prayers and a couple nights even my wife and i have been super affectionate. and a few nights ago she actually initiated and it was amazing. for both of us. but shes still seems kind of off. and this is so hard for me. to keep all my emotions to myself to show her im trying???? when she is the one that had the affair? why does she have all the control right now???? why is she calling the shots? i love her so much. I feel like a piece of trash, i have no confidence now, depression, sadness, dark feelings. Why after i told her id forgive her is my wife not coming home? ive told her this isnt good for the kids. and we need to get them back to their home. why isnt she more sorry right now? why isnt she more sympathetic to me?

 

so yesterday i decided. and told her that i cant communicate with her anymore. that i need to figure myself out. and that we need space. if shes going to be gone. than we truly need to be seperated. so i cut off communication with her. in hopes she will realize what shes losing. i dont want to get a divorce yet. i really want to have hope in US. I LOVE HER so much. Even after everything. But this is agony. Torture. My health is going downhill fast. i am losing all hope. Ive begged her to come home. So im hoping this approach of not seeing or talking to her at all will help... I prob sound like the most pathetic person alive. But any advice would really help. Point of views. ETC

 

thanks

[writergal]

Wow OP I'm so sorry to read about what's happened to you with your marriage. I'm not married so this comes from someone who is single.

 

 

How often do you visit your wife and 3 daughters at your father-in-law's house? How do her parents treat you when you visit? Are they respectful?

 

 

Do you have any kind of emotional support from any friends or family of your own, so that you don't have to go through experience this alone?

 

 

In your post you mentioned marriage counseling. Is that still an option although you are both living separately already? Would your wife be open to it at this time, if you found a licensed marriage counselor?

[what_a_blonde]

 

the thing i dont really get. is she tells me how much she wants us to be better. and she wants to miss me again, and want to be romantic with me again. and thats the reason for her leaving. she even was honest enough to tell me she was upset with this guy because he wouldnt leave his GF that works there after she left me. But she said shes realizing that she is having "affair feelings" and that its not love.

 

 

How sweet of her for being "honest enough" to tell you all about her selfish feelings for the guy. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and deal with this, however she is out of her mind. She wants the family life, but wants this thing on the side more and wants you to be ok with it.

 

When you get married to someone, you work on things. You fight these urges. You work through the hell, go to counseling, do everything you can then if it doesn't work... you separate/divorce. DO NOT cheat. You don't go looking for sex on the side. Sounds like its been a problem for both of you in the past, but this is a basic principle, one you guys probably need to work on and CAN work on with counseling.

 

Also, you mention you and her have been affectionate recently and it was amazing. That is sweet and all.... but think about the diseases and things she may have picked up from this man in the mean time.

 

Sorry, but her behavior is so selfish... and you have no need to tolerate or allow it.

 

 

 

when she is the one that had the affair? why does she have all the control right now???? why is she calling the shots? i love her so much. I feel like a piece of trash, i have no confidence now, depression, sadness, dark feelings. Why after i told her id forgive her is my wife not coming home? ive told her this isnt good for the kids. and we need to get them back to their home. why isnt she more sorry right now? why isnt she more sympathetic to me?

 

 

Because you are allowing her to have all the control and call all the shots. Deep down you know something is not right about this, and something is not right about the way she is treating you, yet you allow her to do it... which is why you feel like trash and are depressed. You KNOW you don't deserve this, no human being does... so why do you continue to allow her to do this?

 

I get that you love her, but if she really loved you and cared about your feelings like what she vowed to when you two were married, she wouldn't continue to love this man and care about him or be concerned about his well-being while TRULY trying to rekindle and fix things with you, her HUSBAND.

 

She really is off her rocker. And if you continue to allow her to call the shots and treat you in ways that you know are wrong, you're off your rocker too.

 

You sound like you know the difference between right and wrong.

 

Demand she stop all contact with this man, even change jobs if necessary (because they work together), and seek counseling immediately. If you don't do that, this will drag on and you will continue to be pulled downhill.

 

 

so yesterday i decided. and told her that i cant communicate with her anymore. that i need to figure myself out. and that we need space. if shes going to be gone. than we truly need to be seperated. so i cut off communication with her. in hopes she will realize what shes losing. i dont want to get a divorce yet. i really want to have hope in US. I LOVE HER so much. Even after everything. But this is agony. Torture. My health is going downhill fast. i am losing all hope. Ive begged her to come home. So im hoping this approach of not seeing or talking to her at all will help... I prob sound like the most pathetic person alive. But any advice would really help. Point of views. ETC

 

thanks

 

Good for you, you needed to cut off that communication. Allowing her to call the shots and run the show is just making her realize that she can do anything and everything to you and her children, meaning mess around with this guy on the side and be unsure of her feelings as long as possible, and you will STILL be there when she comes back. No matter what she does, no matter how long she does it.

 

First and foremost, take care of you, your health, and your children. You're not the most pathetic person alive either. Just going through a very painful time, but there is a time for you to be in pain and grieve then a time for you to stand up for yourself. Now is your time for the latter.

 

Next, stand your ground. Don't allow her to continue to think this behavior is normal or acceptable. It is not. Its ridiculous, and the longer you sit around and allow her to do this to you, the more it will tear you down.

 

Lastly, again, counseling. Work on things. She must cut off any and all communication with him and commit to working on her issues (as well as yours). If none of this works, you may have to face the fact that divorcing now will be easier now than it will 5-10-15-20 years down the road.

 

Best of luck.

[BetrayedH]

Your initial reactions are completely normal and sadly, the complete opposite direction of what you should do to salvage your marriage after an affair.

 

The best course of action you can take to salvage your marriage right now is to file for divorce. Look up 'the 180' and implement it. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

 

Find an attorney and have him file for you. Make it clear to your wife that you will not relent until you see that she has true remorse and is willing to do whatever is necessary to make up for what she's done. Sometimes this serves as a wake-up call. Giving her space, begging, and all of this other nonsense just lowers her already non-existent respect for you, allows her to continue the affair, throws you into a deep depression, and hastens the end of your marriage. Stop it. You don't deserve this. Stop acting like you do.

[Mortal]

Hey thank you for the comments so far. Its been a while since ive been on. And im doing a HECK of alot better. So let me give you a bit of an update.

 

Last i talked about is i was trying to get her to come home... I was kind of acting a little overbearing. It was a really hard point. Because to answer one question. No I literally had no support. I didnt talk to my family much about it. Because i didnt want them to judge her or have hard feelings for her. Of course it was obvious to most everyone around me that something very very serious was going on with me. My health has really suffered. I now have flashbacks, emotional distress follows, depression. But all in all....im glad that ive been patient and hung in there.

 

We hung out one Saturday and her and I thought she could maybe be pregnant. So she took a pregnancy test(i witnessed this) and it was positive. Of course with the situation i question... Is this child mine? I felt she was very sincere on the matter when she told me she was 100 percent positive that the baby was mine. But I decided. Even if the child wasnt mine through blood. I would take care of my wife and raise this child as ours. Because i know that this man that she had been with would not claim the child. Nor would he give her any support at all. Plus I love this woman more than ANYTHING! She amazes me in so many ways. And im proud of her for the steps she has taken so far in her " recovery ".

 

Anyways that kind of made the decision for her. So she decided to move back home. Which i was very excited about. And TBH there was the thought in my head. She knows how great a father i am and husband. And that it makes sense to continue having a complete family together. And she could just suffer through the dislikes or disgusts she has with me. But i believe truly that she actually wants to work on things and give up what she knows is a hopeless romance. Because already he has dogged her concerning confidence in him. And I believe some reality checks have lifted some of the fog from her vision and mind. And her heart. So she came back. And its been really really really positive. I have my ups and downs every day of course. And so does she. But she is finally starting to open up herself to me more and more everyday. The emotional feelings we "had" are slowly coming back. But it has been agony to take back the feelings that have belonged to me. The ones she gave to him. And the ones he stole from me. But that being said i know we still have much progress to make.

 

We are reading an infidelity book together. And we are both seeing a great counselor. And i can see shes really trying. One big setback we've had thats hurt us both. She had a miscarriage on Friday. She was prob in her 5th week of pregnancy. This was truly devastating to me. I was looking forward to taking care of her and the baby over the 9 months and truly showing her how much i love her. And the loss of life is a hard one. Shes taking it very hard. And i feel for her very much. And ive been selfish in my feelings. Because as she's going through these changes with her body im still focused on building trust, getting closer, and keeping all my many insecurities in check because of the affair. My mind is a violent ocean of emotions right now. And i mean just the huuuuge ups and downs. I truly think that we can heal from everything thats happened. But for that to happen she has to keep a NO CONTACT from this guy at work. And this is a scary thing for me. She betrayed our family and our marriage. I can forgive that. But what i have to see is that she is making progress on this. And one of the ways i see progress. Is she needs to be TOTALLY open with me. And she has not been. We were talking couple nights ago. I gave her the password to every single thing i have. Email, phone, bank etc etc.. I told her check anything whenever youd like i have nothing to hide. And frankly it wouldnt bother me one bit if she stalked every one of my accounts all day everyday. And I told her this is how you start building trust. NO SECRETS from each other. We have to know everything about each other to recover from this. ESPECIALLY because you still work with your affair partner. She totally talked her way out of it. She's quick with her words. She doesnt think that i can see what she does soo well. Maybe its because im used to the way shes lied to me every day for the last few months. She can really be a damn good liar. Its sad. Long story short. She will not give me any passwords to her accounts. She says she feels violated for getting into her stuff when i found out about everything... I told her well you were betraying me! i had every right to take action and confront her with proof on her infidelity. Because I LOVE HER. Because this really has been an addiction for her. This cocaine that makes her feel amazing. And she knows and knew it was wrong. And what really gets me and worries me... is she KNEW she was KILLING me while this was going on and that it still hurts me. And that she chose to do this to me knowing how bad it hurt me and our family... theres only 1 of 2 things going on in her head. Either she doesnt care about ME and her CHILDREN. Because doing that she caused pain to all of us and still did it. OR what i really think she was thinking is.... She wasnt thinking. She was addicted to that affair. Just like a drug addict. Like an addict throws away her children, her life, ends up on the streets. I know that she really loves me. I know that she loves these kids. She is a really good mother to. And i still have the most respect for her even after everything shes done. And when i see the small steps shes taken so far coming back and trying to be positive. It means alot to me. These small things to me are really big things to her.

 

Another thing im really really struggling with. Even after all the pain shes caused. I still do not want to cause her any pain. But sometimes i get so tempted to reveal to her what this guy truly is. I know for fact that this guy is with 3 or 4 other women right now. this isnt an idea i have. I have and have kept this evidence. But i cannot bring myself to show it to her. It incriminates him on many levels. There is multiple details, names, photos, etc proving all this around the same time they were together. And even now. And the horrible things he has said about my wife. my point is... it may not make sense to not reveal this info to her. because it would truly end all feelings for this guy that she has. But i feel that would take away her agency in the matter. And i want HER to make the decision. And I really dont want to cause her pain. If there is feelings for this guy that she still has. I dont want to make her feel like crap about that. And even without her knowing about these things. She is still choosing me. Which is impressive to me. That she is figuring out herself in this big emotional mess.

 

Lastly one biggie for me is still the intimacy part. Its not just the sex. Even when i try to touch her intimately while cuddling, or massages, etc etc. She totally cold shoulders me. Its been a couple weeks since she has initiated. And hardly ever before that. And maybe i shouldnt want to be with her right now after everything shes done. But my love for her is stronger than all the negative feelings. I dunno. But she really makes me feel like crap everytime she denies me. And i asked her about it. She was honest. And bluntly said. Because im not in the mood. And havent been in the mood. But even making out or long kisses. She will hold my hand. And i know that her body is going through alot right now. So i dont expect sex. This totally sounds like a guy thing to say.. but i dont have problems with my plumbing right now. She says shes totally attracted to me. Specially more lately. But she doesnt even care to do the fun things anymore to me. And i feel like we are kind of in that dating/new stage again. But still nothing. All i can think is i just need to be patient. There are many girls i could go to if i wanted relief. And attractive ones to. But number one i cant because i have no desire to be with another woman. Its totally gone. All i can think of is her. ALL day everyday. And number 2 that would be totally wrong. I could never do that to her. I couldnt think to cause her pain like that and risk my family. My past is gone. Done. I will not ever allow myself to be dishonest with her, or slip at all. I talked to her about this to. That we cannot take any chances. I will not allow myself to be "friends" with any girl. Because i know my weakness. And i will do everything in my power to avoid any situation that arises. I just wish she could see in the same light. i still feel like even after all this she has a ton of confidence in her ability to say no and that she can be close friends with whatever guy she wants. And i explained once you start giving and wanting that emotion from other guys even as friends. it starts down that path again. Doing what we've done to each other in the past. If we want our marriage to work and be successful we cannot allow ourselves to do what the "norm" does. We have to be above it. And until she gets to that point. It scares the crap out of me. Cause it will happen again. Anyways this is long and i need to get to work. Thanks all for listening

 

your response on anything would be appreciated. even reading this i feel alot better about how things are going with my wife and i. but there is still much progress to be made. any ideas and helpful tips would be awesome!

 

mortal

[Catfish]

Your wife's failure to turn over all Passwords is a MAJOR BREACH of your vows!

 

You need to act fast:

 

Get a lawyer and file for divorce

Tell her to leave the house

Do the 180 and do not communicate with her. Only exception is issues about the Kids.

Set up a visitation schedule for the Kids

 

 

If you do not stand up to this she will keep having affairs. This will get worse unless you act!

[oldshirt]

You are almost completely insane in your dillusions of what is really happening here. You are being taken for a ride. She is walking all over you and you are asking for more and asking her to scrape the mud and dog poop off her shoes onto you.

 

We can't help you untill you wake up and open your eyes and see what's really taking place here.

[Mortal]

Yes. i think you are right. after everything shes still acting very strange. distant. and after todays conversation with her..... and because she wont give up her passwords and give me access to her life. and her failure to be willing to prove whatever i ask to her. i am dilusional. she would be trying harder.

 

thanks

[Buckeye2]

You offered to raise a child that might not be yours and she will not give you her passwords?

[oldshirt]

When the bottom falls out of your delusions and hit rock bottom and go into survival mode to try to save the last few vestiges of your dignity and sanity, look up "The 180" and start following it to the letter.

 

 

Find a good divorce attorney and start circling your wagons to protect your assets, your home, your car, your resources and your relationship with your children. She is going to go after all of them.

 

 

Go into detective mode. You are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg and turning a blind eye a lot of the rest. She is still in contact with him. They may have gone further underground but they are still in contact.

 

 

Do whatever it takes to reveal the truth so you can see the situation for what it is. Get a keylogger for all her computers, put a voice activated recorder in her car, office, bedroom or anywhere else where she may talk to him. Hack into her emails, facebook, other networking sites. Get some kind of GPS tracker in her car or on her phone. Hire a PI if you have to. I would even recommend DNA testing the kids. She is awful brazen for this to have been her first rodeo.

 

 

You are currently blinded by the fog. you must clear the fog and see.

[bubbaganoosh]

I have to tell you this and I'm sorry if it hurt but you need to hear it.

 

Your a fool. No $hit. A fool for putting up with this. There was no reason to give her all your passwords when your not the one having the affair. She is and if she tell you that she wants the marriage to work, then you better be prepared to live by her rules which means that if you think your health is bad now, you ain't seen nothing yet. You only have one life and you just gift wrapped it to her and given her permission to do what ever she wants to do with it.

 

It's time for you to grow a pair my friend and let her know that she either turns over the passwords and starts acting like a wife who wants the marriage to work or she can take herself back to Daddy's and for her to get a good lawyer.

 

When she told you that she was pregnant and you gave her the impression like you did to all of us that you didn't care if it was yours or not, you gave her the keys to carry on just like before because she knows you'll do nothing about it and if you don't care then you tell me why she should.

 

Wise up real fast because if you continue down this path of destruction, friends, family and work associates will be reading you obituary in the paper in the near future. It's only you life were talking about here. Wise up. Man up and move on fast.

[oldshirt]

Let's talk about this pregnancy/miscarriage a little further.

 

Did you come home from work and she starts sniffling and telling you that she lost the baby through the crocodile tears or did you come home to blood clots and blood streaked all over the floors and up the walls with her on the toilet doubled over with cramps with chunks of bloody tissue running down her legs and her socks soaked in blood?

 

My wife had an actual miscarriage years ago and the house looked like a slaughter house when I got home.

 

It is classic, classic, classic for a cheating wife to tell both the husband and OM that she is pregnant to gauge their response and then when her little assessment is done she sorrowfully tells them that she "lost the baby."

 

She may have puffy eyes and tears when she tells you but there are no bloody clothes soaking in the sink, no blood clots still floating in the toilet, no bloody rags in the trash, no bloodstain in the bed, the house is all clean and tidy with everything in place like she spent the day cleaning instead of on the bathroom floor doubled up with cramping.

 

What has her OB/Gyn doctor say about this? Is she scheduled for a D&C to make sure there isn't some retained placenta witch can cause life threatening bleeding and infection.

 

We're there any doctor visits? Lab tests? Ultrasounds?

 

You have previous children, did this pregnancy even slightly resemble the previous pregnancy with doctor visits, prenatal vitamins, ultrasounds, blood draws, maternity clothes shopping, digging hand-me-down baby clothing out of storage????

 

Any of that????????

 

 

It's Monday morning, it's time to clear the dream world out of your head and wake up and get started on the rest of your new life.

[Fluttershy]

Before I get into anything or agree with any posters I would like to know about the ubfaithfulness in the past by both you guys. What happened and how it was dealt with can be a very helpful.