Engaged to be married, but GF only engages in pity sex now.

[Zimber]

Hello all, I joined this site today because I want to understand what might be happening in my relationship. I'll start by giving a few details as honestly as I can.

 

I'm about 50 and my fiance is 46. We've been been together for about 16 months and have been almost inseparable since we met. I proposed in August (yep, it was fast, but it felt right). She moved into my house in Oct. and we've set a date for the summer.

 

Regarding our relationship, there have been hurtles, but we've gotten over them as they come. We've both been burnt before and trust sometimes is challenging.

 

I'll cut now to what's bothering me a little....

Pre-October (when she moved in), sex was frequent and very good. We both took part in it a way to not only stimulate the other, but ourselves too (this has never been a problem for a man ... I admit). She would have 2+ O's during the act (typically, unless fatigue, or wine interfered) and really appeared to enjoy it.

 

However, Post-October, she has assumed her position (the one where she orgasms) maybe twice since then. We still make love 2 or 3 times a week and it's ... tender, but she no longer tries to have an O during the act. Courteous fellow that I am, I always end up finishing her up manually with my hand after where she has no problem achieving orgasm.

 

I've tried to talk to her about it multiple times, but the answer is always the same. "I love making love to you". "An orgasm doesn't happen every time". She never addresses that she no longer even tries. In short, I'm doing it to a starfish, who won't talk about it and the clock is ticking for the marriage date.

 

A few facts:

 

• She is starting menopause. Her cycle has become irregular and I'm noticing the odd mood swing.
  
• Marriage is very very important to her (think it's a cultural thing as well as personal - Latin European).
  
• She has a wall up 3 inches thick! Does not speak about herself at all. Nada, nothing, nope! ... So, getting anything from her that would make her uncomfortable is impossible.
  
• Enjoys oral but won't give it, when asked, she says she doesn't know much about it. (me: don't believe her, she's been here for 20 years and dated Canadian men, she knows. Coupled with the fact that she hates the "man" posture of relaxing with your hands behind your head .... 'nuff said).
  
• Only says "I love you" when she's feeling insecure (that would be after I distance myself a little). The moment I fix her insecurity, then evaporate again.
  

 

A few speculations/possibilities:

 

• Maybe it's menopause but she's so scared of me bolting at the last minute she won't open up to me. (my issue with this is not opening up is the norm).
  
• Maybe, the manosphere is correct, as soon as you open your heart and life to a woman, that is to let her move in, or marry her, she loses respect for you and the challenge is dead. (truth be told, this is my biggest fear. I admit, this cannot apply to all women, but some surely it could).
  

I could really use some opinions here about what the problem might be. Sadly, given my baggage and without her talking about the "issue", I will think the worst. I want to be married as does she. But I want to be married to that woman, not just any woman for the sake of marriage. I fear that I am not her "man" but her "manikin".

 

 

Thanks,

 

 

Z