Sad Anniversary

[TreeTrunks]

My husband is not romantic or affectionate. He refuses to say "I love you" because he thinks words are stupid and meaningless. He is very self-centered. It seems that the only way he'll do something is if it somehow benefits him. We've been married for 11 years and I thought I had grown immune to it, that I'd accepted that this is just how he is. I don't expect gifts for any reason or holiday and that it totally okay. I even agreed that gifts for our anniversary were pointless because we both generally buy ourselves the things we want.

 

But we always at least get each other anniversary cards. However, for our 10th anniversary last year, when I gave him his card, he said, "thanks but I didn't have time to get you one." I was upset but I didn't make a big deal out of it since I thought he'd do something to make up for it. The next afternoon, he went out with a friend and I thought he'd bring something back for me. I was wrong...he came back with only a big case of beer for himself. I finally told him that he hurt my feelings, like I wasn't worth the 5 minutes it would have taken to pick out a card and write in it. He got defensive, angry, and told me I expect too much of him.

 

This year, I asked him if we were done buying each other cards. He told me that was a harsh thing to say. So, I went out and got him a card. The day of our anniversary, he gave me nothing. Again. At that point, I didn't even tell him I had gotten him a card. I just shredded it. I again told him that he hurt my feelings and he again told me I expect too much of him.

 

Ive really examined myself to see if I do expect too much but I don't think I do. I haven't read the book about the 5 love languages but the premise makes sense to me. So I tried to apply it to my own life to see if maybe I just don't understand him. But my husband won't say he loves me, he doesn't buy me things, he is not physically affectionate unless he wants sex, and he hates doing things for me because he says I "like it too much" (even something as simple as opening a jar of pickles...he won't do it for me unless he is convinced that I tried as hard as I could to do it myself).

 

He says I have unrealistic romantic expectations thrust upon me by romantic comedies and that I don't appreciate what he does for me. I tried to talk to him about the love languages but he laughed at me and shut me down after the first one.

 

I try to give him a lot of leeway because he suffers from depression and his family screwed him up. His mom abandoned him when he was young and now they have a very sporadic and superficial relationship. I do believe that this has affected our relationship even though he insists that his mother issues have in no way colored the way he looks at/treats me.

 

We tried counseling years ago but the counselor was kind of a hack and now my husband is all set with trying again with someone else.

 

I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for here....maybe just a place to vent. Thanks for listening.

[TreeTrunks]

Also, regarding the love languages, that does leave quality time. And we do spend a lot of time together but sometimes I feel like it is just by default. Like if we didn't live together, I'd never see him. This has happened with some of his friends. If they don't contact him, they don't hang out.

 

I'm sure this is because of his general depression. But that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't seem to like to have to put effort into his relationships.

[cozycottagelg]

There is absolutely nothing in your post to suggest you have unrealistic expectations. If anything, they are low. A card is not too much to ask for. At all. It's really the least he could do.

 

He sounds lazy, and he makes you seem like you expect too much so that he doesn't have to do anything.

 

I don't have suggestions...but he sounds like a real jerk.

[d0nnivain]

I'd make a big deal out of it. This is your wedding anniversary. We're talking about a card & some words here.

 

 

My husband doesn't completely get it either but early on I explained my expectations to him. I need to hear the words & I love cards. I expect cards for Anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine's Day, my birthday & just whenever. he thought it was silly. I explained that it doesn't matter if it was silly, because it was important to me, if I was important to him, he would do this.

 

 

On a minor level it's a bit materialistic because cards do cost money but I'm not demanding expensive jewelry or a new car here. I'd be OK with him making the card (he'd never do that lol) Anyway, because he care about me he does the things he doesn't always understand.

 

 

Stop underreacting to your husband's failures. Make a big freaking deal out of the fact that he is ignoring you & devaluing your relationship. If he doesn't shape up, ship him out. You should be a priority to him but from what you have posted, you aren't.

[snappytomcat]

wow,he wont even open a jar of pickles until you've tried hard to open it yourself,what is he your father,i think you sound very passive,and you don't sound like you expect to much from him,he sounds self centered,and lazy,on the border of emotional abuse.

im so sorry you are going through this,my anniversary is next week,its our 20th,and my husband is going all out,anniversary is supposed to be a special day.

im sorry you are going through this

[TreeTrunks]

Thank you for your replies. I've never thought that I asked a lot from him but he's so good at pulling the "you don't appreciate me for who I am and what I give to you" stuff. So I question myself.

 

I've tried to tell him that I don't expect jewels and giant public declarations of love or for him to wait on me hand and foot but I'd appreciate some kind of acknowledgement that I am important to him and that my feelings are important to him.

 

He acts like him being asked to do anything he wouldn't naturally do is asking too much. I say that if he loves me, he'd want to do things that make me happy. He says that if I loved him, I'd accept him for who he is and what he does and not want anything more.