My fiance only cares about video games

[Roxa]

I have been with my significant other for over 8 years. We have lived together for 4 years. We plan to get married one day but we don't have a date set. He is 32 and I am 28. About a year ago we moved out of our rental and bought a new house. We did a lot of renovations before moving in, but have a long, long list of more to do. Nothing has gotten done. My fiance is addicted to video games. It is ridiculous. All he does is go to work, come home, play video games, and often falls asleep playing them. He wakes up and plays them till he goes to work. He has always been a gamer and I am fine with that. I really have no interest in video games, but I understand why people would find them fun... I just have never found one that I could get in to. His video game issues have gotten SO much worse since we bought our house and moved, because he now has his own man cave/gaming room. He spends nearly every waking moment in there, and I often find him passed out in there at like 4am.

 

We basically spend zero time together. I talk to him on the phone while he is on break at work, and that is usually about a 10 minute conversation. Sometimes I will interrupt his gaming at night and try to talk to him, but usually he is still focusing on the game. We rarely have sex. Like once a month, maybe, and when we do he really isn't into it at all. Any time we do have sex it is because I have gone to his game room, told him I want to, and waited for him downstairs. Every. Single. Time. He does not clean, pick up stuff around the house, do anything for our pets, nothing. The only thing he does is cook for himself, and the only reason he does that is because I stopped making him dinner and delivering it to him in his game room.

 

He used to play a lot of different games on regular systems that hook up to the TV. But a little over a year ago I got him a Nintendo 3ds for Christmas. He had a ds, and played games on it sometimes, but it wasn't ever an issue. Now he spend all his time on the 3ds playing some stupid game called Animal Crossing. I am pretty sure this is a game mostly marketed to kids and young teens. I had never really thought about how ridiculous this was until Thanksgiving AND Christmas when he brought the 3ds to family dinner at my Mother's so that he could do "Holidays in his town". I mean.. come on!! What really has gotten me to the breaking point is what happened last night. I went into his game room at about 3:30am. He was sitting on his couch playing Animal Crossing. I sat down on his lap and asked suggestively if he wanted to come down to bed. He said no "I'm not tired"... I said "me either... I wasn't suggesting we got to sleep". He said no. I sat there and watched him play and realized he was chatting with people in the game. Prior to this, he had said he could only talk to the computer, not real people. Well, that was a lie. He was carrying on a conversation with 2 girls, one is 13 and one is 14! KIDS!!! He said they only talk about the game, visit each others towns, etc. But the conversation was not about that. One girl was going on about how her boyfriend broke up with her and the other girl was asking my fiance if he was married, to which he replied "no", and went right on chatting.

 

So.... I look over on his table and there is a notepad where he has been recording "friend codes" for all his "friends" in this game so he can chat with them and visit their towns... Lots of girls and boys. He said most of them are around 10-15 years old. I got really upset with him. He is blowing me off, ignoring me, ruining our relationship, and ignoring our home to pretend to be an animal and chat with preteens in a child's game??? Really??? Now, please understand, I am NOT jealous. I am horrified. I am sure my fiance is not sexually interested in little kids or anything, but I am sure these kids parents do not think they are up in the middle of the night chatting with grown men in their 30's!! It is insane! When I confronted him with that, he flipped out and ran out of the room, slammed the door, screaming at me about how I "don't want him to do anything he likes doing". He eventually calmed down and came back to the room but did not apologize and accused me of being "crazy" and said he sees NO problem at all with hanging out on video games with kids less than half his age. He told me I was "insane", "crazy", etc repeatedly. I went to bed and he stayed up another few hours playing. This morning I went in the game room to scoop the litter box (we have a cat who hangs out with him in there mostly so there is a box in there) and he had taken his 3ds, games, notepad, everything having to do with the game and hid them somewhere (they are ALWAYS laying all over his shelf in there, and now they are no where to be seen.)

 

I am just going nuts here. I don't want to bring this up with friends, because they are going to think I am insane for dealing with this crap. Most of my friends have great relationships, husbands, and children....not grown men who act like little kids.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Els]

May I ask why you're still with him?

 

If he refuses to get help for his addiction, you need to leave.

[somedude81]

How long has this been going on.

 

And as Elswyth said, why the hell are you still with him?!

[Roxa]

May I ask why you're still with him?

 

If he refuses to get help for his addiction, you need to leave.

 

 

I'm still with him because out of an 8 year relationship, this has only been an issue for less than a year. I love him, and couldn't imagine being with someone else, but also won't put up with this forever.

We also own a home together, have a life together, etc.

[Els]

I'm still with him because out of an 8 year relationship, this has only been an issue for less than a year.

 

Ah, okay.

 

Despite that, I think you really need to let him know that you're serious about not being able to put up with it forever, so I think this is one of the rare cases that warrants an ultimatum. Either he is willing to admit that there is an issue and work on it together with you, or you leave. He needs to know that.

 

Tell him that you have nothing against occasional game playing, but you can't stay with an addict.

[Roxa]

Ah, okay.

 

Despite that, I think you really need to let him know that you're serious about not being able to put up with it forever, so I think this is one of the rare cases that warrants an ultimatum. Either he is willing to admit that there is an issue and work on it together with you, or you leave. He needs to know that.

 

Tell him that you have nothing against occasional game playing, but you can't stay with an addict.

 

 

Yeah I have tried to talk to him about it- he flips out. I think he is actually kind of embarrassed, so when I bring it up, even in a super nice way and non confrontational, he freaks.

 

I wrote this post before he got home from work, and now he is home. He has to be in early tomorrow so he went right to bed. I did tell him that I thought we needed to really work on spending time together and that I wanted to plan something for us to do tomorrow night. He said ok. Then I went on for a bit about how I never get to spend time with him, and it is really getting depressing... He said OK. I told him that I would really like us to have one night a week (at least) where he didn't play games the entire night and we could watch a movie or have an actual conversation, go out, something! He rolled his eyes but said OK. So I'm not really sure if he gets it or not. I am going to see what happens tomorrow night. If I make dinner and we sit down to watch a movie and he pulls out his 3ds then I am going to have to give him an ultimatum of some kind.

 

He knows I have no issue with video games in general and honestly I could care less if he plays a few hours a day. I just want to see him get off his butt and help me clean, help me start knocking things off our to do list, take me out places, and act like an actual partner again instead of this kid who lives in my house.

 

 

One thing i did do, that is probably immature but I don't care... I pay the bill for the internet service and he knows *nothing* about computers/the internet (he doesn't own one- doesn't get online except in games) and so I just blocked his 3ds from getting online. He doesn't know that yet. So when he figures it out- he is going to have to have the balls to ask me why the internet isn't working on his 3ds. Or maybe he will put the dang thing down and do something else.

[Ninjainpajamas]

One thing i did do, that is probably immature but I don't care... I pay the bill for the internet service and he knows *nothing* about computers/the internet (he doesn't own one- doesn't get online except in games) and so I just blocked his 3ds from getting online. He doesn't know that yet. So when he figures it out- he is going to have to have the balls to ask me why the internet isn't working on his 3ds. Or maybe he will put the dang thing down and do something else.

 

Yeah I'm so sure he's going to come strutting out of the room swinging his arms marching along and start cleaning the entire house and being a "great husband" all of a sudden

 

You were looking for a fight and to get his attention...well you got it, I know you're trying to get his attention but that's going to blow up the situation, at first he'll think there is something wrong with his ds but when he finds out you blocked it that's going to be hell...I would unblock you, you will just instigate a huge reaction, but maybe that's what you need and are looking for to talk about things, might get some hard heard truths though.

 

I get you're in a 8 year relationship and all of that, and everybody loves to "save" relationships because you've been together for *insert time that is important to you* but c'mon now, how much of a relationship have you had with this guy?

 

Yeah ok sure, you've moved out of your rental and "bought" a house, I guess that's an incredible step forward in a woman's mind...it's finally "going somewhere" and maybe down the road even marriage, but you know what the hell I don't get about women like you/this, what in the hell are you fighting for is this is what the present moment has to offer? what in the world are you doing besides just looking into some distant future...that's supposed to offer what?....change?, really? so things are suddenly and magically going to just change by some reason unknown to you and everything is going to be magical and right with the world?

 

I want to shake people sometimes...this whole "ups and downs", "fighting for a relationship", "working through our problems", all these damn excuses and reasons to just continue on living like this until some bright day where things just turn a corner...and of course, if you force yourself to stay with someone eventually something has to change, nothing stays the same forever...but is that in itself just the idea? is that the purpose? good god, what keeps people from being with one person or the next in that sense, because you "love" this person? really? you love the way he goes to work, doesn't clean or help out, sits in his "gaming room" all day, doesn't give you any kind of attention or sex you up, or just about anything else, but work, sleep, shet and play games and THAT's the love you're fighting for?

 

Look, the guy obviously seems disconnected from this relationship, he seems like the type who's just conveniently in this relationship because that's the most comfortable and lazy choice to make for him, and unfortunately for him in his eyes you're not longer serving him in his isolation room...but other than that you seem to take care of everything, so why would this guy want to leave? plus he's too busy flirting with 13 year old girls pretending to be some teenager I'm willing to bit, living it up in a fantasy world while you deal with the real world alone...and he doesn't even want to spend any time with you at all using his own will, it seems like you're just forcing the guy to do it and he's like *sigh* "fine, whatever shuts you up, but I'd rather be talking to teenage girls and visiting their village because they're naive, gullible and easily impressed because I'm a grown man so my life sucks and I get to relive my youth here"

 

It's creepy what the guy is doing and honestly I think it's pretty disgusting what he's doing, I don't know how you're sleeping with the guy when he's probably fantasizing about some teenage girl in the back of his mind....knowing men, that's probably what's bouncing around in his head because he doesn't really seem to be present...emotionally, physically or psychologically invested in your relationship...and yet you want to marry this guy?

 

I swear, sometimes I wish I had a pair of wire cutters so I can go into a woman's mind and cut the wire that makes them absolutely crazy and so "in love" with men who don't even give a crap about the relationship, just so you can wake up and realize what is going on TODAY, what is present, where this guys investment is...what he does on his OWN WILL. And he sounds like a big kid, and you're just being his mother...going into his gaming room to do his chores like clean up the cat dookie, you might as well just post up a list of chores on the fridge, buy him some hot pockets and mountain dew so he can eat something if he's hungry then ground him from his video games when he doesn't take care of his responsibilities...and I know, people say work is like the big responsibility....work is just damn work, it's something you're supposed to damn do, you get a paycheck to pay the bills and I'm sure like most people he just wants to come home and relax, but it doesn't mean he can basically check-out of every other aspect of the relationship and disappear into a room to talk and play some childish game, but more alarmingly talk and develop relationships with children.

 

The guys got a problem, and a twisted and poor choice in video games...however to fair I have never tried Animal crossings, but I doubt it's about the game more than it is about developing these relationships...that's the twisted part here that just makes it disturbing. I mean imagine if you have kids, a daughter maybe, and she's a teenager...and hubby wants to spend extra time with her and her friends, developing little relationships with each of them, and as young women they might feel attached to that...hopefully it doesn't reach to that extent, maybe it's just fantasy for this guy and he enjoys the immaturity of it all, but still...it's not normal for a guy to do this, ask a police officer, I'm sure he could tell you.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Poppygoodwill]

 

So.... I look over on his table and there is a notepad where he has been recording "friend codes" for all his "friends" in this game so he can chat with them and visit their towns... Lots of girls and boys. He said most of them are around 10-15 years old. I got really upset with him. He is blowing me off, ignoring me, ruining our relationship, and ignoring our home to pretend to be an animal and chat with preteens in a child's game??? Really??? Now, please understand, I am NOT jealous. I am horrified. I am sure my fiance is not sexually interested in little kids or anything, but I am sure these kids parents do not think they are up in the middle of the night chatting with grown men in their 30's!! It is insane! When I confronted him with that, he flipped out and ran out of the room, slammed the door, screaming at me about how I "don't want him to do anything he likes doing". He eventually calmed down and came back to the room but did not apologize and accused me of being "crazy" and said he sees NO problem at all with hanging out on video games with kids less than half his age. He told me I was "insane", "crazy", etc repeatedly. I went to bed and he stayed up another few hours playing. This morning I went in the game room to scoop the litter box (we have a cat who hangs out with him in there mostly so there is a box in there) and he had taken his 3ds, games, notepad, everything having to do with the game and hid them somewhere (they are ALWAYS laying all over his shelf in there, and now they are no where to be seen.)

 

.

 

Okay my friend....alarms belling are clanging in my head.

 

At first I thought it was about what a terrible bf he is, but now I see it's much more complicated and worrisome, and I think you know it too.

 

I'm sure you don't believe that he's sexually interested in kids, but his behaviour raises grave concerns .... you can see the circumstantial evidence stacking up here.

 

Not only his lack of sexual interest in you, but the sheer amount of time he spends playing a children's game with kids. The detailing all the contact and codes and all that. And - most disturbingly - the fact of his outrageous reaction when you called him on it , and subsquently hiding all the 'evidence' of his contact with the kids.

 

That looks like guilt, even if it isn't.

 

If he knew that what he was doing was innocent, why would he have to remove all the evidence of the contact?

 

This is not normal. A man in his 30s -- even one who plays video games to the point of excluding all else -- does not normally have any interest in playing children's games with children. Why would he? They're kids.

 

So the question is: what next? What do you think you should do about this?

[Iguanna]

I'll tell you what to do and you MUST do it. You go to his parents or brothers and sisters he has and tell them that you have witnessed their son / brother talking with kids in a game, that you are worried about his mental and physical health and that you can't take the responsibility that he gets in trouble one day with the law or that he gets sick. Then move out of the house asap. Do it calmly. Get your stuff and tell him that you can't go on living like this and he can contact you after he's realised his addiction and after he's solved it. You are too young to tolerate such situations, when this man is not even your kid! DO THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

[Els]

Yeah I have tried to talk to him about it- he flips out. I think he is actually kind of embarrassed, so when I bring it up, even in a super nice way and non confrontational, he freaks.

 

I wrote this post before he got home from work, and now he is home. He has to be in early tomorrow so he went right to bed. I did tell him that I thought we needed to really work on spending time together and that I wanted to plan something for us to do tomorrow night. He said ok. Then I went on for a bit about how I never get to spend time with him, and it is really getting depressing... He said OK. I told him that I would really like us to have one night a week (at least) where he didn't play games the entire night and we could watch a movie or have an actual conversation, go out, something! He rolled his eyes but said OK. So I'm not really sure if he gets it or not. I am going to see what happens tomorrow night. If I make dinner and we sit down to watch a movie and he pulls out his 3ds then I am going to have to give him an ultimatum of some kind.

 

He knows I have no issue with video games in general and honestly I could care less if he plays a few hours a day. I just want to see him get off his butt and help me clean, help me start knocking things off our to do list, take me out places, and act like an actual partner again instead of this kid who lives in my house.

 

 

One thing i did do, that is probably immature but I don't care... I pay the bill for the internet service and he knows *nothing* about computers/the internet (he doesn't own one- doesn't get online except in games) and so I just blocked his 3ds from getting online. He doesn't know that yet. So when he figures it out- he is going to have to have the balls to ask me why the internet isn't working on his 3ds. Or maybe he will put the dang thing down and do something else.

 

Well, the soft approach clearly isn't working, so it's time for the hardball approach.

 

Tell him you are leaving if he isn't interested in working on this problem or getting professional help. And mean it. You've let this go on for far too long already, wouldn't you agree? This hasn't just been a recent 'phase', it's been months! Time to put your foot down.

[d0nnivain]

My husband is addicted to video games too but they come after work, chores & me.

 

 

You need to unplug the system & force him to talk to you.

 

 

Do not get married until this is resolved.

 

 

If you have to end this relationship how are you going to split up the house? Make those financial consequences abundantly clear to him before you talk to him.

 

 

FWIW, I don't see real pedophilia here just a lot of immaturity.

[MuscleCarFan]

Animal Crossing? Seriously?

 

I like to play video games too, but I'm not obsessed. I get bored after awhile so I have to go out and do other things.

[bwright42tx]

My husband is addicted to video games too but they come after work, chores & me.

 

My wife tends to get addicted to video games too, but not to the exclusion of me. She has been known to switch the dinner plans to take-out or FFY (fend for yourself) on occasion so she can keep playing, but not to the extreme of jeopardizing our budget (by eating out too much) or our relationship.

 

Sometimes we indulge that addiction together when there is a game available we both like to play.

 

He should be willing to have a conversation about it and understand that if he can't keep up with his other responsibilities (you and the house) then the games will have to go or you will be going.

[Arvin_Solheim]

Well.....I can't speak for everyone but I'm a big video games fan but it doesn't stop me from caring for my girlfriend or doing my job(I'm actually pretty good at all 3) and I believe a couple that love each other should try and participate in each other's hobbies....My girlfriend used to hate video games but she gave it time and now she plays almost as much as I do.....I even gave her my PS3 when I bought a PS4.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Arvin_Solheim

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay my friend....alarms belling are clanging in my head.

 

At first I thought it was about what a terrible bf he is, but now I see it's much more complicated and worrisome, and I think you know it too.

 

I'm sure you don't believe that he's sexually interested in kids, but his behaviour raises grave concerns .... you can see the circumstantial evidence stacking up here.

 

Not only his lack of sexual interest in you, but the sheer amount of time he spends playing a children's game with kids. The detailing all the contact and codes and all that. And - most disturbingly - the fact of his outrageous reaction when you called him on it , and subsquently hiding all the 'evidence' of his contact with the kids.

 

That looks like guilt, even if it isn't.

 

If he knew that what he was doing was innocent, why would he have to remove all the evidence of the contact?

 

This is not normal. A man in his 30s -- even one who plays video games to the point of excluding all else -- does not normally have any interest in playing children's games with children. Why would he? They're kids.

 

So the question is: what next? What do you think you should do about this?

 

Exactly. OP, please do not overlook or minimize some deeply disturbing behaviour here. There's something very off about this and you need to address it directly and immediately.

[beatcuff]

let not jump to conclusions. there is no evidence of anything but a person obsessed with a particular game.

 

its really odd as a gamer and an observer of gamers how some get 'hooked' on what i consider 'mindless' time fillers a/k/a candy crush, angry birds, etc.

 

so to OP point: the soft sell is not working. time for the heavy guns.

 

but first what do you want. write it down if that helps. and it can't be all or nothing. allow him some gamer time. basically have a plan.

 

walk up to the game, unplug it (that will get his attention) and CALMLY state 'we have a problem that will be dealt with NOW', then start with your 'requests'.

 

his response will guide you.

[whichwayisup]

Most of my friends have great relationships, husbands, and children....not grown men who act like little kids.

 

You are engaged to a 'man child'. Playing video games during some down time is one thing but he has taken it to another level! Chatting and wanting to visit people online that he doesn't even know if he travels to their town? WTF.

 

He needs to grow up and break this addiction. There's so much more to life than this and it's sad because he can't see this. He is choosing a stupid game over "living life" and getting married, being a real man and maybe being a father, a family man one day.

 

If you are unhappy, do something about it. End your engagement and let him be on his own, see what life is really like without you. Maybe then he'll wake the F up and grow up too.

[oldshirt]

I have been with my significant other for over 8 years. We have lived together for 4 years. We plan to get married one day but we don't have a date set. He is 32 and I am 28.

 

 

 

I didn't need to read any more than these 4 sentences. all the rest about the video games is just background noise and a big red herring.

 

 

If there is no actual proposal, no ring and no date set, then you aren't planning on getting married. Intention to marry involves a proposal, an acceptance, a ring and a date set on a calendar and location reserved and a duly appointed official scheduled to perform the wedding. Once those things have been accomplished then marriage is being planned (I'll even fudge on the ring if the other components are in place)

 

 

Untill then you are still dating and are playing house. When women play house they are often auditioning for marriage while men typically are just enjoying the comfort, companionship, someone to do household chores and for easy access to sex.

 

 

(and in your case the easy access to sex doesn't seem to interest him much either)

 

 

Anyway, lets get back to auditioning for marriage. How is your BF doing on his audition??????????? Does he seem like a prize catch? Is he making a good husband now??????

 

 

Your basic underlying question to all of this is, "how can I change my BF so he doesn't devote his life to video games and puts his time and effort into me, our home and our relationship?"

 

 

The short answer is you can't. He is what he is. What you see is what you get. What you are getting now is what you are going to get in the future. You have to assume this is how it is going to be.

 

 

Is this the future you had envisioned and is this the future you want?

 

 

 

 

Again you can't change him. The only thing you can control is you and the only future you can determine is your own.

 

 

My recommendation is to consult an attorney to see how you can preserve the investment you have made into your house and how to preserve your financial and personal property and assets.

 

 

When you have all the paperwork and a solid game plan in place to preserve your assets, give him whatever amount of time it will take to complete the legal separation and the legal separation of assets (which may involve selling the house and going a "legal divorce" so it may take a number of months) ....but anyway, give him that amount of time to get off the computer and stop hustling 14 year old girls and get himself fully invested into the relationship and the home.

 

 

In the mean time start packing and start moving on with your life and let him see you drive out of the driveway with all your stuff and move forward with your life including getting back on the dating market and start dating and getting to know other people.

 

 

Bang a few of them too if you want. You've already had quite the dry spell.

 

 

There is a possibility that he may see the light and may decide that a real life with you is worth more than his fantasy online world and he may turn over a new leaf.

 

 

I would put the chances of that ACTAULLY HAPPENING at about 5-10% but hey, it's a chance.

 

 

What I would say is most likely is he will continue to SAY that he will do better and he may be able to force himself to stay off the computer for a number of days or a few weeks but he will only be giving lip-service to actually engaging in a meaningful life with you.

 

 

He is immature, self-absorbed and not connected or engaged in having a real life with you.

 

 

There is also a very real possibility that he is a child predator or will soon become one.

 

 

 

 

Again, look at playing house as an audition for marriage. Is this the person you want playing the part of husband and father????????????

[oldshirt]

There is also a very real possibility that he is a child predator or will soon become one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to make a special note of this.

 

 

The legal climate has changed a lot with child predators in recent times.

 

 

10 years ago predator's wives and GFs etc were considered pretty much immune from legal action for the behaviors of their husbands/BFs as long as they weren't direct participants.

 

 

That has changed. Today anyone living with or closely associated with a child predator is also under the umbrella of suspicion and are investigated thoroughly.

 

 

And even though investigation may quickly reveal that a wife/GF may not have been a direct or active participant in the abuse, action is frequently taken if someone new OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN that abuse was taking place and they DID NOT TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT OR STOP IT.

 

 

In simply terms, if your BF gets busted chatting inappropriately with a minor online (all it takes is the discussion, he does NOT have to actually meet or touch her physically) YOU will be hauled in for questioning and all of your computer records and phone records will be confiscated and there will be 6 o'clock news coverage of you being lead out to the police car in handcuffs and your name will be in the newspaper under suspicion of child enticement.

 

 

Now, it will quickly be determined that you did not participate in the enticement of a minor but that will not be on the news or in the paper.

 

 

And while you will not be proscecuted for abuse you may be held legally and civilly liable for not reporting it, not preventing it and not stopping it.

 

 

Not only can the courts and legal system hold you liable for looking the other way but The victim and victim's family can file suit against you for not preventing the solicitation of their son/daughter.

 

 

This is all a bunch of "could-happen"s of course but watch the news or read the paper today and you will see a case of people going after an abusers wife/GF for looking the other way.

 

 

Is all of that worth a man who would rather chat with 14 year old girls at 3 in the morning than make love to you????

[Quiet Storm]

This happened to one of my daughters friends. It was a game called Animal Jam. the mother got an email that they had disabled her nine year old daughters account for inappropriate language. She found out that there were men pretending to be kids all over that game. They would give kids code words to use if their moms came in the room. They were talking to her about kissing and asking for pics. They were trying to get kids to talk dirty.

 

My guess is that the 3DS has photos on it that kids have sent him.

 

For him to react that way, he has something to hide. You are naive if you think this is innocent.

 

He is a sick man and needs serious help. I'm sorry. This cannot be minimized or rationalized away. This is your warning and you must pay attention.