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Wife deserves someone better than me!


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I've been married to the most wonderful woman and mother that any guy could ask for, for about 11 years.....the problem.....I just don't love her and just don't desire her....

She went back to her country (won't disclose) for about 2 years to solve some personal problems and reconnect with her family....now, she's coming back to U.S with my 10 years old daughter to resume wife/husband life....

In a 2 years span, I have been with her for 7 months,,,,I haven't seen her for a year now, and I am scared to death because I just don't wish to be with her anymore and never talked about it because I am a coward who hates confrontation and heartbreaks.

The truth is, we are great partners, great friends, not so great lovers, I don't feel like making love to her and she is a very attractive beautiful woman (6 years older than me).

I don't really know why I married her in first place because I was never in love with her....If I had to blame someone, I would blame the church I was going to because the pastor always said we should get married if we were sleeping together.....maybe, that just a excuse....to be honest, I was very needy at that time.....but we formed a great couple!

She knows I've been unfaithful and has always forgiven me....

My family has been telling me to let her come back for me to be 100% sure what I want in my life..

I have been a wonderful father and a husband financially wise and plan to keep being so.....

To make matters even worse....I am in love with another woman but this woman it's not the reason of all this because I felt this way before , way before this woman came in my life!

Last time I visited her, I spent 4 weeks with her but made love to her twice only because I knew I had to......

Any words....?

It's more like venting and I already know what some people will tell me......

SHE DESERVES A BETTER MAN!

(FYI: I have not been part of any church for awhile now)

Edited by Juniorinbraz
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If I had to blame someone, I would blame the church

 

You'd blame THE CHURCH? See, this is why I hate religion. Gives people too many excuses to act like jerks.

 

YOU SHOULD BLAME YOURSELF! The Church didn't hold a gun to your head. It's YOUR fault you're a cowardly, dishonest, little creep.

 

And yes, of course your wife deserves better than you. In fact, EVERY SINGLE DECENT WOMAN ON THIS PLANET (Including your OW) deserves better than the likes of you.

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Maybe you two have both changed during the times you were apart. I wouldn't make any decisions before she returns. Talk to her. Perhaps get some marriage counseling. Try things to spice up your love life. Give it a shot before you just give up.

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Poppygoodwill

Yeah, time to be honest. YOu need to speak to her honestly about how you feel and decide for yourself if there's anything that could keep you in the relationship. It might be that you've just grown apart with all this distance, helped along by the Other Woman.

 

If there's a chance, then commit to trying to make it work because she sounds like a great person.

 

If you know in your heart there's no chance, then sit her down and tell her honestly. She deserves a chance to move on with her life and find someone who will love her the way she should be loved.

 

You may have married her thanks to the influence of others, but you have the power to get out of it - or fix it - on your own. And no putting responsibility on anyone else if you fail to make things right here.

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I've been married to the most wonderful woman and mother that any guy could ask for, for about 11 years.....the problem.....I just don't love her and just don't desire her....

She went back to her country (won't disclose) for about 2 years to solve some personal problems and reconnect with her family....now, she's coming back to U.S with my 10 years old daughter to resume wife/husband life....

In a 2 years span, I have been with her for 7 months,,,,I haven't seen her for a year now, and I am scared to death because I just don't wish to be with her anymore and never talked about it because I am a coward who hates confrontation and heartbreaks.

The truth is, we are great partners, great friends, not so great lovers, I don't feel like making love to her and she is a very attractive beautiful woman (6 years older than me).

I don't really know why I married her in first place because I was never in love with her....If I had to blame someone, I would blame the church I was going to because the pastor always said we should get married if we were sleeping together.....maybe, that just a excuse....to be honest, I was very needy at that time.....but we formed a great couple!

She knows I've been unfaithful and has always forgiven me....

My family has been telling me to let her come back for me to be 100% sure what I want in my life..

I have been a wonderful father and a husband financially wise and plan to keep being so.....

To make matters even worse....I am in love with another woman but this woman it's not the reason of all this because I felt this way before , way before this woman came in my life!

Last time I visited her, I spent 4 weeks with her but made love to her twice only because I knew I had to......

Any words....?

It's more like venting and I already know what some people will tell me......

SHE DESERVES A BETTER MAN!

(FYI: I have not been part of any church for awhile now)

I'm going to be blunt here. Man up and tell her you want a divorce. Quit being a chicken sh#t and let her go. Do not stay married to a woman you don't love. I usually think people should try before they divorce. In your case however, I don't. It sounds like you never truly loved her in the first place. Take responsibility for your choices. YOU chose to take the pastor's advice and get married. It's not the church's fault, it's yours! I strongly suggest you get into individual counseling. If you're afraid of confrontation and hurting others feelings, you'll never have a happy, healthy relationship. In marriages, communication and stating how you feel is important. I have a feeling you're going to find out that the grass isn't greener.

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Thank you all for the reply..

I just wanted to make it straight...no one ever put a gun in my head to marry her....although there was an influence from the church back on that time....it was something I believed in and found it that it was the right thing to do, specially when you have your family telling you, that I shouldn't let this woman go because she was a marriage material kind of girl. I did it without thinking about the emotional wreck that I would create in the future...

I am the sole responsible for this....although I am a great hard worker husband unable to satisfy her emotionally like she deserves.

I come from a home with 3 sister (I am the youngest) with all having emotional problems, more like emotional immaturity, lots of low self stem due to the horrible marriage that my parents lived....

My mom is a frustrated 71 years old lady that feels she was never loved by my father (R.i.p) because my father was unable to give her any love and was very mentally abusive (not physical, only towards us, the kids)...

They got divorced after 40 years with him eventually finding a new wife and getting married to her.....he passed away 3 months later after he got married (a year ago).

When I ask my mom why she never got divorced, she said she stuck by father because of us....the kids......I wish she had done different .

I will wait for my wife to come back so I will give us a fair shot at deciding the future....I just feel that I never really had anyone I was in love with....that's very frustrating...I and my sisters feel that we never chose someone to be with....we were chosen....

I still am a attractive 36 years old guy with great personality and make everyone laugh, but deep inside....I feel like I am wasting her time and screwing her life because I feel that sooner or later, I will jump off this relationship to be with another woman, not necessarily the one I am in love now!!!!!

Thanks for the input, everyone!

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Thank you all for the reply..

I just wanted to make it straight...no one ever put a gun in my head to marry her....although there was an influence from the church back on that time....it was something I believed in and found it that it was the right thing to do, specially when you have your family telling you, that I shouldn't let this woman go because she was a marriage material kind of girl. I did it without thinking about the emotional wreck that I would create in the future...

I am the sole responsible for this....although I am a great hard worker husband unable to satisfy her emotionally like she deserves.

I come from a home with 3 sister (I am the youngest) with all having emotional problems, more like emotional immaturity, lots of low self stem due to the horrible marriage that my parents lived....

My mom is a frustrated 71 years old lady that feels she was never loved by my father (R.i.p) because my father was unable to give her any love and was very mentally abusive (not physical, only towards us, the kids)...

They got divorced after 40 years with him eventually finding a new wife and getting married to her.....he passed away 3 months later after he got married (a year ago).

When I ask my mom why she never got divorced, she said she stuck by father because of us....the kids......I wish she had done different .

I will wait for my wife to come back so I will give us a fair shot at deciding the future....I just feel that I never really had anyone I was in love with....that's very frustrating...I and my sisters feel that we never chose someone to be with....we were chosen....

I still am a attractive 36 years old guy with great personality and make everyone laugh, but deep inside....I feel like I am wasting her time and screwing her life because I feel that sooner or later, I will jump off this relationship to be with another woman, not necessarily the one I am in love now!!!!!

Thanks for the input, everyone!

Are you going to end things with the OW? You can't give your marriage a fair shot if another party is in the picture? Affairs are NOT healthy for a marriage. Are you going to go to counseling?

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Are you going to end things with the OW? You can't give your marriage a fair shot if another party is in the picture? Affairs are NOT healthy for a marriage. Are you going to go to counseling?

 

I don't know yet....I fear letting the other girl go too, maybe I will be in touch and tell her I need to give more time to make my marriage work....

But my question is....is counseling gonna make a love grow for my wife or it will only help me see the things better and clearer? because I have tried to find this love for many years....the feeling itself and haven't found....although I have to admit I was happily married...

Does the fact she is 5 years older than me matter?

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I don't know yet....I fear letting the other girl go too, maybe I will be in touch and tell her I need to give more time to make my marriage work....

But my question is....is counseling gonna make a love grow for my wife or it will only help me see the things better and clearer? because I have tried to find this love for many years....the feeling itself and haven't found....although I have to admit I was happily married...

Does the fact she is 5 years older than me matter?

I think counseling will help you figure things out in your mind. The fact that you haven't mentioned your unhappiness to your wife is a huge red flag. She's the first person you should be discussing your issues with.

 

You also mentioned that your wife has forgiven you for being unfaithful. I'm assuming this is not your first affair. Counseling can help you figure out why you continue to cheat. Cheating is never the betrayed person's fault. Usually something is broken inside of the cheater. I've also had an affair. My husband caught me and I'm working on improving myself. We're currently in marriage counseling.

 

From reading your posts, I honestly believe you'll never be in a healthy and loving relationship unless you work on yourself. Please don't kid yourself. Either you want your marriage or you don't. There absolutely can't be any in betweens. If you seriously want to work on things with your wife, the OW can't be in the picture. Period. If you're not going to end things with your OW then be a decent man and end your marriage. If you believe your wife deserves better, let her go and stop with this nonsense. You are playing with two women's hearts here and that's not noble.

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I think your perspective has changed because of a few key factors:

 

No time together to feel totally connected to your wife

 

More time with your OW has made you feel connected more with her

 

When your wife visited - because you are connected to your OW - you felt you were betraying your OW while your W was here.

 

Because you are that connected to your OW - your W doesn't have a chance in this M.

 

Pick one - which will it be?

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Oh my Gosh...you guy just said it all.....

What if I say I am not emotionally mature? Confused, don't know what I want in life? Sometimes I feel I would connect to any woman in a sentimental level other than my wife!

I am starting to see things clearer!

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OK, I'm going to be blunt here:

 

You have repeatedly cheated on your wife

You prefer to blame others for your own decisions

You are conflict avoidant

You look for women to help self-medicate and make you feel better about yourself.

 

You are not healthy enough, emotionally, to be in a relationship with anyone. You need to get individual counselling to figure out what your issues are and then start working on them.

 

IF you decide to end things with your wife, please have the decency to confess your latest affair so that she doesn't blame herself. Make it very clear that it is not about her attractiveness, the age gap, her absence etc...it is about you. Then stick to your decision and don't give her any mixed messages.

 

IF you decide to remain married, then, again, have the decency to tell her about your affair and that you are going to get counselling to try and figure out why you keep doing this. Be warned, she may decide to divorce you. But that's what happens when you have an affair.

 

Either way, she needs to know so that she gets a chance to make choices about your marriage as well. This marriage is not just about you and what you want, after all.

Edited by BeingMe
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Oh my Gosh...you guy just said it all.....

What if I say I am not emotionally mature? Confused, don't know what I want in life? Sometimes I feel I would connect to any woman in a sentimental level other than my wife!

I am starting to see things clearer!

Exactly what are you seeing? Are you going to confess your affair? Are you going to end things with your OW? Are you going to make an appointment for individual counseling? If your answer is no to these last 3 questions than unfortunately, you are still very thick in a fog.

 

Yes, I do believe you're very emotionally immature. This can be changed if you truly put forth efforts to change. Seriously, why are you so afraid to tell your wife how you feel? This isn't her mess, it's yours. You chose to marry someone you don't love and your poor wife is suffering because of it. My heart breaks for her.

Edited by violet1
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and I am scared to death because I just don't wish to be with her anymore and never talked about it because I am a coward who hates confrontation and heartbreaks

 

You are a grown man and sometimes in life we ALL have to deal with things and face them head on even if you (general you) don't want to. THIS IS one of those times.

 

You owe your wife the respect and courtesy of being honest and letting her know you want a divorce. What you are doing behind her back is MUCH worse and cowardly. Sorry to be blunt.

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Oh my Gosh...you guy just said it all.....

What if I say I am not emotionally mature? Confused, don't know what I want in life? Sometimes I feel I would connect to any woman in a sentimental level other than my wife!

I am starting to see things clearer!

 

Not if, that's a big yes.

 

Get help. Seek counseling and learn how to communicate, learn how to own your choices and stand up for what you believe in and want. You don't love your wife the way a husband should love his wife, you let the Church and all that stuff push you into getting married - Deep down you know that marriage to her never should have happened. Your wife needs to hear that it isn't her, that she's done nothing wrong and it's not her fault.

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So, if we all agree with you that your wife deserves someone better (per your thread title), than why don't you do what you know you should do and divorce your wife?

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