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Getting married this year but uncertain; passionate-less sex with bf


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lunchteabreak

Hi all,

 

First, I have been a silent reader of this forum for a couple of months now and kudos to everyone for being to helpful to everyone else!

 

Now, it's my turn to seek some advice from a different perspective. it's gonna be a loooong post as i've kept it bottled for a few months.

 

Background: Me and BF, both 28. Been dating five years, got a house together which will be ready early next year. He hasn't proposed, but will have to as where we're from (asia), only married couples are allowed to get an apartment together. Yes it sucks.

 

The story so far: It's been a pretty stable r/s. He's a very normal person with little or no temper and is generally rather calm. Me, i am a little spitfire with a quick tantrum but is generally pretty normal as well. So basically we're both two pedestrian folks in a pedestrian relationship. No crazy love story - we met through friends, became friends and got together after a few months.

 

The problems-

 

1. He's not into sex

He's not a very physically affectionate but I am, and i think i seem to want sex more he does. He stays over once or twice a week, and is only interested in sex just one or twice a month. I've gotten tired of trying to turn him on and getting rejected, and after so many years of being together have given it up trying to seduce him altogether so i'll just wait for him to make the moves. Sex is also pedestrian - he's a little overweight so urm it's hard to get the right moves in the right places. I would consider myself an attractive girl so i often wonder if i'm wasting my youth on a man whose libido can be compared to a man twice his age. on the one or two occasions which i have tried to sext him, i got "huh?" or joking replies. i have even tried the sexy lingerie move, which didn't work either. which brings me to my next point...

 

2. I fantasise about other men ALL the time

Because sex for us are such rare occasions, i find myself fantasing about other men. ALOT. i would think about my ex (who was a looker and good in bed, but as a person, he's an arse), about hollywood stars and even good looking porn stars. Yes, i masturbate to it but not all the time. usually they are just dirty daydreams to while my time away. in a nutshell: we're not sexually compatible. i am no longer turned on by him. in fact i dont think i was even turned on by him in our relationship, ever. is this an obvious warning sign?

 

3. he gets defensive VERY easily.

it could be something innocent, such as me being friendly and asking him to smoke less, or to run more. he'll then clam up and accuse me of controlling him and goes into full defense mode. i can't even voice my opinion without him retaliating even if its a legit comment.

 

4. we don't have meaningful conversation

everything revolves around mundane topics like friends and family. i have tried many times to talk about more engaging topics such as current affairs and science, but he just shrugs it off. i have many times, just for the sake of making our dates more interesting, brought up his favourite subjects such as tennis which i have zero knowledge of and tried to engage with him about it, but he has never tried to talk about other stuff. i don't need deep intellectual convos every day, but a bit can't hurt....

 

5. the final problem: i'm not sure if i want to be with this guy

after so many years together, till this point i am always asking myself: is he really the one? and i'll reply "maybe not, but he's stable and he's the best one around".

 

i do care for him a lot, and i get super terrified if he falls ill etc. on good days, i'll even miss him. but other than time, i keep thinking about all the passionate relationships that i am missing out. i know sex isn't the most important element in a relationship, but i can't imagine this passionate-less sex for the next say, 40-50 years of my life.

 

it's also easy to end this relationship. but i don't want to. and also, i am looking forward to move into a place that i can really call home, which is impossible if i don't marry him. i mean, i could, but i can't afford a place that is not government-subsidised, which is the only option i have if i am a single woman.

 

I do however, want his kids. i know he'll be a great family man. Perhaps in twenty years i'll look back and think what a silly ninny i was to even doubt myself but now........

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO? :( I don't want to end this R/S. i don't want to enter the next stage in our r/s in such a doubtful state either.

Edited by lunchteabreak
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I think instead of venting on a forum, no offense, You need to sit him down and talk it out. Try to explain to him what your problems are and that you'd like to see your relationship improve because you really care about him.

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He is who he is. If he has low sexual desire and is not interested in more or better sex, if you marry him, that is what you are signing up for. Expect sex to get even less frequent when you are married.

 

The rest of the issues aren't even worth going into, because this should already be a deal breaker for you.

 

If you marry him, you are going to either end up cheating, or very very lonely.

 

You can find someone else who is compatible with you AND would make a great father.

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Since you have basically "no" sex life, how do you expect him to father your children? Does he want children?

 

It doesn't sound like he is a full participant in the relationship, honestly. One can love other people very much, but where there is no sex that loving relationship is Just Friends.

 

I also don't think you should stay with him just to get a house -- as has already been said, you can find other lovable guys who also love you sexually, will be good fathers, and you can get a house with one of them :)

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All the reasons you are stating as to why you want to stay with him are so that he can help you financially and to provide you companionship.

 

If he were my son I would tell him to get out now and find a woman that actually loves and desires him and is sexually compatible with.

 

If you get married he will be the one writing in here in 5 years saying his wife hasn't had sex with him in two years and that she is going out with male "friends" and coworkers till all hours of the night.

 

He may be meeting your needs for friendship and economic support but he is not meeting your need for romance, sexuality, passion, intimacy and excitement. Society has been telling you that those things aren't actual "needs" but they are. If you are not getting those needs met by him, as sure as the sun will rise you will start getting them met by someone else real soon.

 

This all comes down to what is worse, breaking it off with him and find a more compatible partner while you are still young and pretty and it will be easy pickings.

 

Or wait several years down the road when you will have children and stretch marks and are fat and have been divorced for adultry?

 

How many good men will have you once you have kids, are older, fatter and have a failed marriage as an adultress?

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You are suggesting that she leaves him, but I keep wondering: how easy do you think it is for a woman to find a good man to have a family with, without having major problems that this man doesn't seem to have (abuse, cheating, alcohol, etc)? He has a low sex drive and he can be a bit boring, that's all. These suggesting her she should leave him to find someone better, can you guarantee her she'll find a better man?

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These suggesting her she should leave him to find someone better, can you guarantee her she'll find a better man?

 

NO.

 

But what I can guarantee is that it will be a million bazillion zanziliion Times easier to find a compatible man while she is young and pretty and single than she will when she is well into her 30s as a divorced adulteress with stretch marks, belly fat and minor children under her wing.

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NO.

 

But what I can guarantee is that it will be a million bazillion zanziliion Times easier to find a compatible man while she is young and pretty and single than she will when she is well into her 30s as a divorced adulteress with stretch marks, belly fat and minor children under her wing.

 

bit harsh....

 

I'm 57, and met my now-husband when I was 47. I have no stretch-marks, my kids are grown and even if I say so myself, am a damn fine catch.

 

I'm fit, I look after myself, and I believe I'm a better, more 'rounded' person than I ever was prior to my 40's.

 

However, I DO agree that marrying him as things stand would at best, be misguided, and at worst, utterly insane.

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bit harsh....

 

I'm 57, and met my now-husband when I was 47. I have no stretch-marks, my kids are grown and even if I say so myself, am a damn fine catch.

 

I'm fit, I look after myself, and I believe I'm a better, more 'rounded' person than I ever was prior to my 40's.

 

Good point but different contexts.

 

I'll rephrase - Lunchteabreaks chances of finding a handsome, virile, fit, successful single man with no kids of his own in his early-mid 30s who would have her as a divorced adultress with stretch marks and young children is a gazillion times less than if she were single, young, pretty and with no children.

 

If she stayed in good shape and took care of herself and her kids were grown and out of the house at 50, her chances of finding a reasonably healthy, successful 50-65 year old man with grown kids of his own, would be pretty good.

 

I was taking the assumption she's not interested in a 50 year old man with kids of his own at this stage of her life.

 

Your point is well taken though.

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You are suggesting that she leaves him

Yes, that is what I'm suggesting.

how easy do you think it is for a woman to find a good man to have a family with

If she looks anything like your profile picture, easy peasy! If she's not living her best then ... yep, it can be a challenge.

 

I'm a mature, older man who's been around the block. The last thing the OP should do is marry someone who she's so frustrated with. Even if the marriage endures the years, it already sounds like there are significant incompatibilities.

 

She's very young, ripe for marriage and settling down, but when you settle down, one does not have to "settle".

 

And OP, can't afford a place without government assistance? What are you doing to remedy that situation without the dependance on a man? Do you need to further your education, move, work on your career? If happiness is important in your life, you need to deal with some of these problems by yourself.

 

Zimber

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Ah, okay. Being vaguely familiar with the laws re: housing in your country (I don't live there, but know people who do), it really is a tough choice.

 

Have you tried talking to him about how serious your sexual incompatibility is to you and how you are considering leaving because of it? AFAIK, in your culture, sex is commonly perceived as something that a woman 'gives' to a man in exchange for commitment, so he may not realize that it is all that important to you if you don't speak up. I think you have to explicitly let him know that it is important; deal-breaker type of important.

 

If all that fails and he refuses to work on the issue, I strongly suggest you leave and seek someone compatible.

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And OP, can't afford a place without government assistance? What are you doing to remedy that situation without the dependance on a man?

 

I don't think you quite get her situation. If I guessed correctly, the OP is living in a very land-deprived country with a very strict, old-school government. Very few citizens can afford non-government housing, which has ridiculous prices, and government housing is not offered to unmarried couples or single people.

Edited by Elswyth
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I don't think you quite get her situation. If I guessed correctly, the OP is living in a very land-deprived country with a very strict, old-school government. Very few citizens can afford non-government housing, which has ridiculous prices, and government housing is not offered to unmarried couples or single people.

 

Ok, I concede your point. I suppose ignorance coupled with me not reading her post carefully enough made my advice ... Poor.

Thanks, good catch!

 

I live in my secure Canadian bubble to which my advice was perhaps more appropriate for.

 

Z

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Hi, I am sorry to say that it sounds like you are settling for something mediocre and basing your relationship on what you think you should be feeling. Incompatibility is there to help us make good choices in finding a mate for life. It is telling you no to this guy. Do him a favor and release him for a woman who will love him for exactly who he is. People do not change basic values regardless of a wedding and a ring.

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This is simple....you don't love him. Everything you said was in regards to what you do or don't get from being with him but nothing really about him. Do yourselves both a favor and let him go.

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I have a girlfriend whose Husband found out that he had low testosterone levels. He went on some sort of treatment and it improved things for them. Maybe the problem is something like that??

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Poppygoodwill

I think it's good that people raised the point that it's easy to say 'find someone better', but that's not always such an easy thing to do in some cultures. Having a family man in a place that values family above all else, might *be* the best thing to have.

 

But still, you seem very unhappy and your complaints seem fair, at least to me.

 

But the other posters are correct: buyer beware. You know this guy and if you marry him, you'll just be getting more of the same. He is who he is, you are who you are. Not saying he couldn't up his game some and try to impress you, but he'll only be able to go so far.

 

So weigh it out carefully. I personally land on the side of 'find someone better for you' or be on your own and have a fabulous life full of friends and family. Though it's true that it's easier for me to say that because culturally it's not such a stigma for a woman to be single or to marry later in life. This from a 45 year old woman who - so goes the conventional wisdom - will have a better chance of finding a husband than getting hit by lightening. Funny though, I married for the first time this year, a man whom I met when I was 43.5. So. Don't believe everything you hear.

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lunchteabreak

Hi all,

 

Thank you so much for all the replies! I really appreciate it.

 

As to why we have to get married in order to quality for subsidised housing, well, one of you hit the nail on the spot. I live in a land-scarce country, and here we are encouraged to get married and procreate.. hence, getting housing=families. It's a crappy deal, but a tiny apartment in the suburbs can easily cost up to USD$300,000 WITHOUT subsidies. :(

 

As for myself, I am a working professional drawing a decent salary and with ample savings, so I am definitely not marrying him for the money nor to get the apartment.

 

Let me put it this way: Even without the apartment, I'll still find it hard to leave him.

 

I daresay I do love him, and he still makes my heart flutter sometimes, such as when he suddenly kisses my hand or puts his arm around my shoulder. Yeah, small things like that get me going. I also find sleeping (not sex!) with him very comforting, and I like how he hugs me like a bolster.

 

Problem is... how do you know when you are just settling/can't be bothered/scared to find someone else?

 

What if he's really the best one i've ever had and i end up dying alone? (ha)

 

I know that no relationship is perfect. Maybe a couple has great sexual chemistry but don't see eye to eye on say, methods of raising children.

 

I don't know if this lack of sexual chemistry/lack of intellectual conversation is enough to be the deal-breaker for such a long relationship.

 

Being asian, and even though i consider myself a very liberal asian, i don't know how to tell it to him to you know, touch me in other ways?

 

Sorry for so much self-doubt. I had a really great date night with him last night and suddenly i just realised that i can't do without him. But i know this fuzzy feeling can only last so long before i lapse into my "what ifs" again.

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lunchteabreak

Also, intimate question for the married men/men in long term relationships:

 

Do you still desire your other half, and if so, how much? Do you still get turned on if she walks into the room half naked/dressed provocatively?

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Sounds like a classic case of communication problems. If neither of you can communicate effectively (i/e without one or the other getting offended) the relationship will not work.

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Also, intimate question for the married men/men in long term relationships:

 

Do you still desire your other half, and if so, how much? Do you still get turned on if she walks into the room half naked/dressed provocatively?

 

To add to this, I was with my ex for almost 6 years. Contrary to popular belief just getting into sexy clothing doesn't turn a guy on automatically. If you/she just tore me a new one, seducing me with sex doesn't count for anything.

 

I mean if he said some offensive things, then came into the bedroom wearing what you consider "sexy" would you be turned on? In a weird way it's almost offensive. It's almost as if she assumes sex will just make everything good. just my opinion.

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Being asian, and even though i consider myself a very liberal asian, i don't know how to tell it to him to you know, touch me in other ways?

 

 

You just have to tell him.

 

I know Asian culture is conservative, but from what I read of you, both of you are probably in the more 'modern' subgroup of Asians. Talk to him about your sexual fantasies and desires. He can't give you what you want if he doesn't know you want it. Don't you two have honest talks about intimate subjects?

 

My SO and I are Asian as well; while we do keep to Asian traditions in some ways, fortunately we can still communicate with each other well about sexuality. It can really be done, but it takes some effort to break the boundaries we grew up with, and a compatible partner who is willing to listen.

 

As for your LTR question, we've been together for over 5 years and yes, he still desires me. Given that we live together in a one-bedroom apartment, nudity is often done for practical reasons as well, so certainly that alone isn't guaranteed sex every single time. But we still enjoy each other sexually, he still desires to satisfy me sexually and I him, and we seduce each other plenty. Provocative dressing definitely does the trick most of the time, too. ;)

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