hkj4 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) I have been married for a little over 2 years. We have one 18 month old and I have an older son and he has 2 older daughters. He is 15 years older than me. We don't get along very well and have a way different approach to life. For the past 3 years it seems like he has cycled with his mood and personality. Let me explain: Before we moved in together he seemed like he had it together. We met at church and I felt like at the time we had similar values and beliefs. I did notice that when I would come over to his house he often times would be drinking a beer or two. I didn't really think much of it, because he acted pretty normal. After we moved in together, his drinking got worse (or else I just noticed it more). He becomes really mean and not nice after he's been drinking. His drinking soon lead to smoking pot. Then all of a sudden he did a total 180. His truck broke down on the highway and somebody was kind enough to pick him up and give him a ride home. He took that as a sign from God and he stated being overly obsessed with God/the bible. He would get up super early to read the bible and study books. The only TV he would watch was the church TV channels. If we watched anything "secular" on TV or read anything that wasn't the bible he considered wrong. We did get married and got pregnant. He slowly fell back into his old habits and started drinking again, which lead back to the pot smoking. This summer was terrible. I actually spent several weeks at my parents house because he was so mean and aggressive. He even broke the door knob to our front door because he got so mad. He got fired from his job before Thanksgiving. He has since gone back to the radical bible reading. Only watching church TV. He is so obsessed with it. He spends all day at home "studying". He has failed to get a job these last few months. He doesn't even watch our son and instead he goes to daycare. He will turn off my son's cartoon's...I'm talking Mickey Mouse. He doesn't "agree" with the "secular" things I watch on TV. When he was drinking he wasn't involved with the kids or family time. And now it's the same thing, just in a different way. He only sees things his way and doesn't think how I am living is right. I work full time and two amazing boys...my oldest does really well in school and plays sports. We go to church regularly and I help teach Sunday school. I don't drink and very rarely do anything without my kids. I guess I am wondering when enough is enough. I just have a feeling he will going to go back to his same cycle. Either way, I can't continue to live the way we are and and can't go back to the drinking either. Edited February 17, 2014 by hkj4 Link to post Share on other sites
exileonmainstreet Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 What is his response when you confront him about his behavior? That seems to be the only part of the story not told. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 The short answer is: enough is when you decide it is. You will get what you settle for. If the life you are living with him is making you unhappy and you are living on eggshells, then I would say something has to change. What efforts have been made to deal with the problem? Sounds like maybe involving a church leader might get through to him the importance about treating his family right and being a good role model for his kids.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Sounds like he's blaming his problems, issues on the world for all of his problems, and taking no responsibility..so naturally he would be defensive and lash out at you, he sounds like a man who thinks like a child. And guess what self-loathing, angry people do...that's right, take it all out on the nearest target, you. So what the hell you doing with this guy? 15 years older? jumped into marriage and popped out a baby before it even seems like you knew two things about this guy, other than the guy you seem to think you knew at church, obviously that isn't him in his entirety, that's just the facade, the exterior or superficial "public face" of the man. Well, now you're in a relationship that seems to be abusive, to a guy who seems to be immature and childish which explains why he's shooting down the ladder 15 years...I have no idea why women think the "mature" men make those decisions, but at any rate the relationship doesn't sound any good, sounds like you're just going to get caught up in the whirlwind of this guys problems/issues and it'll pretty much hamper your life and happiness until you pull away. His obsession with religion to me just seems like a distraction of his own responsibility to take action, he's just blaming it on the "devil" and alienates a world he blames for how he is and everything it represents as well as having a list of other problems he feels sorry for himself over, and I'm sure the guy...however old is is, should have woke up and done something about it by now if he was going to, so likely a life-long struggle/issues that he's been dealing with. And on top of it, he says YOU aren't living the right way, and let me guess...because he's so pushy and abusive you actually feel like it might be your fault for what he's doing or he says you somehow instigated or caused the problem? Sounds like a bad husband and father from what you're saying about him...I think your biggest mistake was not making sure you weren't marrying someone with a ton of personal issues in the first place, so enough is enough when you realize that this was a mistake...unless you want to do the whole back and forth thing, get marriage counseling or "hope" he'll change when you threaten to leave, with the pressure of the church/family or whoever...that seems to be how a lot of people like to do things in marriage, I guess you got to just be pushed to that limit first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 His obsession with religion to me just seems like a distraction of his own responsibility to take action Yes, this exactly. He knows that you have a strong faith in God and you go to church, so he is choosing an angle in which you really can't "argue" because how can you argue with him wanting to know God better. It is extremely unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hkj4 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 What is his response when you confront him about his behavior? That seems to be the only part of the story not told. Oh, his response is usually he is right I am wrong. Doesn't ever seem to matter what we "arguing" about, he always know more/better about the subject. He uses the age thing quite often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hkj4 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) Ninjainpajamas-I think you hit the nail on the head! I pretty much agree with everything you said! Looking back on it now, I did jump too fast. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Unfortunately there are kids involved, so it is much harder than just leaving. I feel almost stuck....like I need to try and make it work as long as possible. cozycottagelg-That's exactly how it feels....how can I leave now when he is "trying?" I almost feel like I have to wait until he goes back to his drinking again to leave. I just have this feeling that we will be back to the old cycle here in not much longer. It has already been 3 months....he will break eventually. Poppygoodwill-I do feel like we are living on eggshells. Right now things are semi-stable....all he does is read his church books/bible and watch church tv. But there were times before that I was scared to do certain things for my kids or myself because he might get angry or whatever. I don't know that he would ever agree to talk to anyone about it because I don't think he believes there is a problem. Edited February 19, 2014 by hkj4 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Has he confessed to his bad behaviour/drinking/drug taking in church?? If not, insist he does, as then you have back up and help at hand with the church. Personally after living thru 2 abusive/violent relationships with men on pot and alcohol.....I ditch them at the first sign of any aggressive or violent behaviour these days!! Link to post Share on other sites
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