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Husband says I'm too fat for him


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So my husband has recently told me that he doesn't find me attractive because I am overweight. He told me that he was embarrassed to have a big wife, because he should be able to show me off with pride. To add on, he emphasized that me being overweight has contributed to our non existent dating/ sex life. Yes, I will admit that I am overweight, but it's only 30 pounds extra than what I weighed in high school. We have been together since I was 18 now I am 23.

 

I would love to be fit and in shape, but right now I don't have the time to do so. It's impossible for me to do everything. He wants a clean house, home cooked meals, me to do everything for our kids, and a wife who has a good job and a degree. Please make note that I work go to school full-time cook everyday from scratch keep our home clean and do most of the work with our kids. He has it so good to the point that when he does rarely watch our kids he is overwhelmed and calling me after an hour of being with them. Yes, he's a good provider and he works hard, but so do I. He says I'm undisciplined, because I am fat and that he is embarrassed to show me to people in public because it looks like I have no self control.

 

Then he has the audacity to say when people see us together they most likely question why he is with me, because he's fit and attractive. I can't believe he feels this way I am really torn on what I should do. I feel alone, and depressed. I want to lose weight, but being on the Deans list and teaching my kids to read is more important. My job is more important to me than my weight. He says I just make excuses, but honestly I'm only a size 12 and I eat really healthy I've never been a small girl when we got married I was a size 8, and he would always try and make me workout then, but I guess I was just to young and impressionable to see how vapid and shallow he was.

 

He's also said that another reason he is with me is because I am on the verge of getting my degrees and getting a way better paying job once I graduate. He says he feels like invested too much into my career because he has worked a full time blue collar job these past 5 years to support me finishing college. I mean part of me feels like I owe it to him to stay with him, because he has been the main provider for me while I have been finishing school.

 

I'm just so confused, my husband is such a dick and I have reached my max. We've moved on from domestic violence, and probable infidelity, but him critiquing me this way has just thrown me over the edge

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HokeyReligions

Ditto what others said

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed non relevant parts
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If you're planning to leave him do it before you reach the ten year mark or you could end up owing him alimony.

 

Maybe it's just him feeling inferior to you because you're so close to finishing school so he needs to knock you down a peg?

 

Did you tell him that he is hurting your feelings when he says mean things to you?

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I tell him that he hurts my feeling and that it hurts because I would never judge him on his physical appearance, and it hurts me that's he's enacting on a shallow pre conceived notion of women. He says it's the truth and that he can't sugar coat the truth, and as long as I remain overweight our marriage will struggle. I told him that it had to be something deeper than that because he nit picks at me for everything I feel like I am walking on egg shells in my own house. He says I'm being to deep and then he turns on pandora comedy station or ESPN and ignores me it's really sad because I love him outside of our romantic relationship, and even if we are not together I would like for him to be able to have functional relationships with other women.

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He's been to counseling on his own and with me on and off for the past 4 years. I really don't know if there is any hope anymore in my marriage, and I would hate to give up on it because I believe that marriages can be worked out. All I want is to have a successful marriage, but if he doesn't love himself he will never truly love me it's so hard, and part of me is afraid to fail.

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It's not your responsibility to fix him for other women.

 

If he knows he's hurting your feelings and just doesn't care who knows how he's going to be toward the children. That sucks.

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Very true it's not my responsibility I think I will try and let him know how I feel in a sincere matter, and if he's a dick about it, I think I need to start making a plan towards leaving him. It's just hard because he's the only real relationship I have ever had I am afraid to date in this world it's scary because I have always been married since I was 18.

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Just work on being the best you that you can be. Finish school and hopefully you will get a better position than you have now.

 

The best thing that you can do for yourself and your children is to not be financially dependent on your spouse.

 

This way if you want to leave you'll be able to do so easily.

 

Hopefully he'll be kinder to you though once you open up to him.

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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement I really appreciate them. Prior to getting on here, I really thought it was my fault. I felt unworthy, hopeless, and hurt. This has definitely provided me with a new perspective on my marriage.

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I am sorry you are going through this. These issues can't be worked out if he is simply not as motivated as you. It seems that you have tried everything and at this point, I would just cut my losses and move on. You are young and intelligent. I am sure your future can be bright without him. My ex-boyfriend was like your husband except not nearly as blunt. I have found someone who appreciates me and likes me for just who I am. It's a very nice feeling I tell you. I was with my ex for 4 years and he was my only on and off boyfriend since I was 16 until last summer. Sometimes when we only have one relationship experience, it can blind us to how healthy relationships are suppose to be. Also it can be hard to let go of our first love, but it is possible.

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Please take care of yourself and especially your children and get away from this abusive, demeaning, lazy (around the home), in-it-for-himself guy.

 

If you can't do it for yourself please do it for your children. Who you choose in your life instructs your children how they should be treated by *their* spouses, and so on. This man's abuse could therefore be handed down to your grandchildren! Don't do this to yourself and them.

 

Get away from him and learn with the help of a therapist to honor and respect yourself. You're kids will pay attention to that too. There are great men out there, but the one you want will need you to take care of yourself first!

 

Good luck!

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The man is a ****! <insert obscenity of choice>. This is nothing to do with your weight or looks and all to do with his insecurity and small-mindedness. IF (and only if) you decide to lose weight and get fit, it should be for your and you alone, not to make him feel good.

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You said you had moved on from domestic abuse and possible infidelity. Has he in the past been abusive and/or cheated? Because if that is the case then it may be time to separate. I have no problem with someone wanting an attractive spouse, but his methodology stinks.

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I hope you do move on.

You're not too fat for him, you're too nice for him.

In a few years time when he starts losing his hair and growing a belly keg, I doubt you'll be calling him names...he needs someone in his life to do this. Let him find her.:p

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Yes he use to hit me in the past when we would argue he would sometimes hit me physically. He went to jail for this, and we moved on from the domestic violence we were separated for a while because of the domestic violence incidences, and the probable cheating. I call it probable because when he was drunk he admitted to getting a blow job from a stripper early in our marriage at his friends bachelor party. Since he has been sober he has denied this, I don't know what is true and I honestly don't care anymore I moved on from it and forgave him if anything did happen. My biggest issue is that he is a dick and doesn't value me. I'm working hard I lost 20 pounds last years and have been able to keep it off. He thinks he's being honest, but he's just pushing me away from him to the point that I don't know if I want my marriage anymore.

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We have two kids together, and I came from a divorced home so I have tried to work things out with him because I do not want my kids to grow up in two homes like I did. I don't want my kids to resent me and say I didn't try to make it work with their father.

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We have two kids together, and I came from a divorced home so I have tried to work things out with him because I do not want my kids to grow up in two homes like I did. I don't want my kids to resent me and say I didn't try to make it work with their father.

 

Did you resent your parents for that? I never resented my parents for divorcing. It might be because my grandma explained to me that people don't always get along. Also I think my life would have been worse if my parents stayed together because the constant conflict is stressful. Another thing that you might not have considered is that your children might model this unhealthy relationship when they grow older. Imo sometimes divorce is better for the kids when handled properly.

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TiredFamilyGuy

You need to be willing to leave, to have a chance of fixing this. The issue here is respect. He gets something out of disrespecting you - perhaps it is a feeling of control because he can see you hurt, perhaps it is his own insecurities because he doesn't have the education or your prospects. You don't get respect from such a partner by just saying you want it. You get it by awarding it to yourself, and withdrawing any you give them until they wake the **** up. Get angry, and in your face about it and start pointing out his many flaws - see how he likes that and don't stop just because he doesn't enjoy it - after all these things are just the truth, eh? Don't be abused just because it has a place in his emotional ecosystem - tell him to cut that **** out or leave or you will leave.

 

What a douche. Like he is immune to ageing - you had a couple of kids Fer chrissakes.

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Poppygoodwill
Yes he use to hit me in the past when we would argue he would sometimes hit me physically. He went to jail for this, and we moved on from the domestic violence we were separated for a while because of the domestic violence incidences, and the probable cheating. I call it probable because when he was drunk he admitted to getting a blow job from a stripper early in our marriage at his friends bachelor party. Since he has been sober he has denied this, I don't know what is true and I honestly don't care anymore I moved on from it and forgave him if anything did happen. My biggest issue is that he is a dick and doesn't value me. I'm working hard I lost 20 pounds last years and have been able to keep it off. He thinks he's being honest, but he's just pushing me away from him to the point that I don't know if I want my marriage anymore.

 

Oh dear. So he's gone to jail for physical violence and he's cheated on you (at least once but let's be honest....) and you do everything at home and work and now he's battering away at your self esteem with all this "fat" talk.

 

Sister - honestly - I admire you wanting to make your marriage work, but at what expense?

 

As far as I can see, if you walk away you'd have the same amount of work (job, study, home) but you'd lose the abuse and hassle and stress and insults. That would be win-win in my book.

 

You're young and smart and hard working. YOu'll find a MUCH better person to be with, who will treat you with respect.

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Staying for the kids to have a two parent household when you are being mentally and physically and emotionally abused is just unacceptable. You are telling your son this is okay for a man to behave like their dad and you are telling your daughter to be a doormat and take the abuse. Leave now or know that you are complicit in their abuse and neglect because kids who grow up with a father treating a mother with abuse is being abused themselves. You are neglecting them because you are too busy trying to walk on eggshells For your husband to give them a healthy environment and take care of them without worrying about what he says or thinks or feels about your every move. You are being abusive because they can feel the tension and the resentment and they know that you are being hit and emotionally controlled.

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Charlie Harper

Leave this guy, there is no hope in a abusive relationship, it will get worse, you can lose weight but you can't regain your respect with such a person.

 

Get your degree, and leave.

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I'm constantly amazed by these threads. Women staying with abusive guys when there are certainly thousands of other guys in a 10 mile radius who would love to be with them but won't get the chance.

 

It's mind boggling.

 

Yep, when I was 22 I was finishing up school and starting a career and I got dumped by a girl I was very much in love with because I did NOT drink or party or chase women. She wanted a drinking, partying, playa' type of guy.

 

I wouldn't think twice about dating an otherwise healthy and active gal that was a little overweight.

 

But now to actually be on topic, to the OP, you are in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage with a man that does not love, cherish or respect you. You can lose the 30 pounds and he will criticize your nail polish and hair color. You can have washboard abz and he will say you didn't get kids settled down on time.

 

Do a little investigating and you will probably find that there are some other women out there that he is hustling. They may not have actually done him yet but he's likely at least trying.

 

Kids of divorce are resentfull of their mother when the mother packs them up and leaves their perfectly supportive, loving and responsible father to go live one douchebag boyfriend after another that they meet in the bar.

 

Kids are not resentful when their mother is clearly being mistreated and not respected by her husband who also has little connection with them.

 

What you are teaching your daughter by staying is that she should put up with abuse and mistreatment and disrespect just to have a man in the house. And you are teaching your son that he should control the women in his life with violence and insult and the women are there for him to empty his tank into and to look good on his arm to make up for his own inadequacy.

 

You married too young and didn't have the experience and wisdom to mate-select a decent man who would love and respect you and treat you with dignity and honor.

 

Now that you are older and more mature and have a lot of life experience and wisdom, it is up to you to make informed decisions and choices based on facts and realities, rather than what makes your Jay-Jay tingle.

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cozycottagelg

For him to say he can't show you off because you may be a bit overweight, means that he is way too worried about what other people think. If he valued you as a person, as a wife and as the mother of his children, you could weigh 400 pounds and he would still want to show you off.

 

He really sounds like a giant a-hole.

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