madly jealous of his EX, though I have no logical reasons

[freeRedbull]

I am not normally a jealous person. I don't get paranoid about anyone else but HER. His ex. He's been 8 years with her. I just get so mad and can't sleep and I cry and I often drink cause I think he's lived with her so much.

 

He is so sweet, and he loves me more than he ever loved her, I'm really convinced of that. And he understands me, this jealousy thing... I think. And he does things for me he never did for her, other women in my place would scream their happyness to high heavens. Here's some points:

 

-he married me after just 2 months (with her, he's been for 8 years, one kid-not alive anymore, the kid- and NO marriage. I asked him why and he told me he didn't want to, that he knew in his heart that he wouldn't be with her all his life)

-I, and I alone get to decide when or if we have kids. And let me tell you, he's one of those guys that wants children desparately, like it's the ultimate happyness.I mean more for him than this dream.

-had a huge tattoo in a visible place- forearm-with my name a week before we got married. His first tattoo, btw.

-he respects the fact that I don't care about his dead child and that I don't like seeing her pictures. And he defends me if any of his family says something about my attitude towards this issue.

-in bed he lets me do WHATEVER I want with him, and I mean really anything that crosses my mind.Andf he does everything I ask him to. I honestly like this part mostly cause we got to do stuff he never did with his ex. Yes, it sounds silly, I know, I mean i enjoy more the fact that he never did something with his ex than the actual fact that we're doing it.

-he lets me push him around and act bossy (NOT his usual self, btw, and NOT my usual self, we're equal in the relation, this bossy stuff is like an act almost), and he looks so sweet and "inlovy" at me... like he knows that it means a lot to me to let everyone know that he loves me more than he loved her, and that he accepts from me what he never accepted from her.

-he gets extremely depressed if he's not with me even for a few days, calls me to say he loves me and that his life has no meaning without me, tells me to come to him faster, he cries a lot, he works more than he should, he sleeps on the couch, etc. And we're talking about a mature man here, he's 40 years old. And I love the fact that he was never even close of doing anything like this with his ex, of feeling like this for her

 

just few stuff that I thought about now, but really he's so sweet and I'm so freakin' lucky to have him... and I am so unhappy cause I obsess about his ex. I am jealous of the time they spent together, of the places they've been where we never been before, of the years they had, of the hardships they faced... of everything. I hate her so much, and I get absolutely depressed when someone of his friends/relatived mentions her or asks him about her.

I got into drinking a lot because of this, and I clean the house obsessively, and I try to hide what I really think and how much I suffer cause I'm so afraid I'll lose him with a paranoid attitude like this.

 

Any thoughts and/or advices? Please, I really need to talk to someone cause I feel ashamed to admit this torment of mine even to my mother.

Edited February 8, 2014 by freeRedbull

[Speakingofwhich]

You may be suffering from low self esteem. And he may have issues with co-dependency.

 

Although he's being understanding about your jealousy now, in the long term it will probably eat away at your R with him.

 

Although he wants children desperately I'd advise that you wait on that for awhile.

 

Can you get into therapy? I truly think you, he and your R would benefit from it.

[Poppygoodwill]

You really need to get into therapy with a professional and figure out what's going on in your head and why. People here are well intentioned, but we can't delve deep like you need.

 

Otherwise you will surely destroy this great thing that's happened to you.

[whichwayisup]

If you want your marriage to last, you need to get some counseling in and get over the fact he had a past with someone else. Everybody has a past, I'm sure you do as well.

 

-he respects the fact that I don't care about his dead child and that I don't like seeing her pictures. And he defends me if any of his family says something about my attitude towards this issue.

 

Sorry to say this but, I really don't understand this. No empathy, no sympathy for the fact that he lost his child, his own flesh and blood. That's something that NEVER goes away and it's a part of him forever. Not sure how he can defend you to his family and not sure why his family knows that you couldn't care less about his loss. This is another reason to seek counseling, you're missing real compassion for someone who went through hell, and that person is the person you're married to now.

[freeRedbull]

You may be suffering from low self esteem. And he may have issues with co-dependency.

 

Although he's being understanding about your jealousy now, in the long term it will probably eat away at your R with him.

 

Although he wants children desperately I'd advise that you wait on that for awhile.

 

Can you get into therapy? I truly think you, he and your R would benefit from it.

 

 

I thought about the points you raised here. My self esteem is good, I mean, it usually is good, but about his ex it's even better cause I'm better than her in a lot of ways, I'm better looking, better educated, better dressed, I come from a better family. I have no reason to feel any inferiority in comparison to her. But the reason I feel insecure is the fact that she had 8 years with him, 8 years of so much to share and face together, I'm jealous of all that time, with me it's just few months.

 

About his co-dependency... well, I am his only family he's known besides his father. And he even told me that he loves him more than he loved him (he's passed away about 10 years ago)... anyway, the rest of his family is really weird and only demands money or other material goods of him, and they talk him bad all the time. When he met my family, he was almost like a beaten kid coming to a loving and normal family, he was so emotional and got so attached to my folks... and I was like the epicenter of all those emotions. Was so sweet. I don't know if it's really a disease, this co-dependency he's showing. But I'm opened to other points of view, really, I realize that I can't analyse things clear.

[freeRedbull]

If you want your marriage to last, you need to get some counseling in and get over the fact he had a past with someone else. Everybody has a past, I'm sure you do as well.

 

 

 

Sorry to say this but, I really don't understand this. No empathy, no sympathy for the fact that he lost his child, his own flesh and blood. That's something that NEVER goes away and it's a part of him forever. Not sure how he can defend you to his family and not sure why his family knows that you couldn't care less about his loss. This is another reason to seek counseling, you're missing real compassion for someone who went through hell, and that person is the person you're married to now.

 

I do feel sory for the poor child that lived such a short life and suffered a lot. And I feel sory for my husband too, that he suffered along with her.

 

But at the same time, I see the kid as a link to her. A link to memmories with her. Though he left her while she was in the hospital with the child -he visited the kid only when she wasn't there- ...so honestly, even the kid wasn't enough to tie him to her, that much he wanted to get away from her.

 

I KNOW my thoughts are very unreasonable. But I can't help it...

[Speakingofwhich]

Believing or even knowing that you're better looking, better educated, better dressed, and come from a better family aren't indicators of high self esteem. Feeling superior to another person is not an indicator of high self esteem.

 

I don't know that he is co-dependent. I think it's a possibility but can't diagnose him since 1. I haven't interviewed and evaluated him and 2. I'm not a professional psychologist. I just noticed some things in your post that, to me, were red flags for co-dependency.

 

I do want to commend you for wanting to explore reasons for the jealousy and insecurity you feel in your R with your H. It really seems wise to me for you to want to solve this problem.

 

Several posters have encouraged you to seek counseling. If I were you, I'd do it! Why not give your marriage the best chance possible by working out these issues that have arisen!

Edited February 8, 2014 by Speakingofwhich
spelling

[2sunny]

I do feel sory for the poor child that lived such a short life and suffered a lot. And I feel sory for my husband too, that he suffered along with her.

 

But at the same time, I see the kid as a link to her. A link to memmories with her. Though he left her while she was in the hospital with the child -he visited the kid only when she wasn't there- ...so honestly, even the kid wasn't enough to tie him to her, that much he wanted to get away from her.

 

I KNOW my thoughts are very unreasonable. But I can't help it...

 

Oh yes, you can help it.

 

Jealousy is such a negative emotion.

 

And the need to drink like you've described says a lot!

 

Are you open to counseling? You could address the negative emotions - let go of the past - respect his position and choices - and work on those emotions that cause you to have the desire to cover up your emotional pain...

 

Are you willing to do the work to grow and change?

[freeRedbull]

I'm opened to counseling. But it's not really an option right now cause we're in a country in which we don't speak well the native language. I mean we get along with people in daily life in french and english, but professionals here, even if they can speak other languages, they're only willing to speak the official one at their work. So it is kinda a problem.

[2sunny]

I'm opened to counseling. But it's not really an option right now cause we're in a country in which we don't speak well the native language. I mean we get along with people in daily life in french and english, but professionals here, even if they can speak other languages, they're only willing to speak the official one at their work. So it is kinda a problem.

 

There must be one counselor in the area that speaks your language.

 

If not - your home area has counselors that are likely to do sessions with you by phone or Skype.

 

Find your resource and tap into using it to grow as a healthy woman with positive thoughts and actions.

[whichwayisup]

I do feel sory for the poor child that lived such a short life and suffered a lot. And I feel sory for my husband too, that he suffered along with her.

 

But at the same time, I see the kid as a link to her. A link to memmories with her. Though he left her while she was in the hospital with the child -he visited the kid only when she wasn't there- ...so honestly, even the kid wasn't enough to tie him to her, that much he wanted to get away from her.

 

I KNOW my thoughts are very unreasonable. But I can't help it...

 

Bolded part, then why did you say before that you didn't care at all.

 

Please do seek counseling to figure this out. There is no real good reason for you to hold this much jealously and resentment about his past and his ex.

 

but about his ex it's even better cause I'm better than her in a lot of ways, I'm better looking, better educated, better dressed, I come from a better family. I have no reason to feel any inferiority in comparison to her. But the reason I feel insecure is the fact that she had 8 years with him, 8 years of so much to share and face together, I'm jealous of all that time, with me it's just few months.

 

She is his past, you are his future. Looking backwards and not forwards will ruin your relationship with him so again, please seek counseling.

[freeRedbull]

Bolded part, then why did you say before that you didn't care at all.

 

Please do seek counseling to figure this out. There is no real good reason for you to hold this much jealously and resentment about his past and his ex.

 

 

 

She is his past, you are his future. Looking backwards and not forwards will ruin your relationship with him so again, please seek counseling.

 

I was not a relative of the child, I never even met her. So I can't actually love her or feel pain for her in the way he does or his family. It's just not posible.

 

And, again I say... I see her as a link to memmories with the mother. I know it doesn't make too much sense, but I don't like to be present to conversations about her. He doesn't even mention her unless someone asks though, he's very accepting/tolerating of my unreasonable thoughts. I mean, he even hugs me, comforts me, and kisses me when he sees I get upset about this, like, to assure everything is ok. I realize I have no logic at all, and that he shows super-human patience and he's not even trying, he's doing it with all his heart, I feel his affection like a warm blanket around me everytime I get paranoid, he's so so understanding, I'm a total biatch, I feel guilty for being so self-centered and illogical and small mided.

 

It's so difficult fighting all these nagative feelings, it hurts.

[M30USA]

Nothing good ever comes out of a man getting bossed around. Guaranteed to cause problems at some point.

[newmoon]

did you say how long you've actually been married to this guy? because you are building memories with him every day that she isn't. do they still talk to one another? perhaps you are having jealousy problems because she is still in his life and in contact?

[freeRedbull]

Yes, we're married.

 

He doesn't keep any contact with her. She used to call him from time to time, but when he heard her voice, he hung the phone. After we got married she stopped.

 

Let me explain a little more how bad he wanted to get away from her when he left her. She was in the hospital with their ill child. He left from the hospital with the clothes he had on him, and didn't go home to take any of his stuff cause he didn't wanna see her anymore or hear her voice. And to the hospital he only went during her work hours, to be sure she wasn't there. And at the funeral of the kid, he didn't even as much as touch her or talk to her.

 

Her brother called him twice recently to ask for some help for himself, a place to work. And though he could help him, he said no, and explained that he doesn't want to have anything to do with him or any of his relatives, ever. I was present to both conversations with her brother. He doesn't hide anything.

 

He has no feelings for his ex at all, not positive ones anyway.

[almond]

Yes, we're married.

 

He doesn't keep any contact with her. She used to call him from time to time, but when he heard her voice, he hung the phone. After we got married she stopped.

 

Let me explain a little more how bad he wanted to get away from her when he left her. She was in the hospital with their ill child. He left from the hospital with the clothes he had on him, and didn't go home to take any of his stuff cause he didn't wanna see her anymore or hear her voice. And to the hospital he only went during her work hours, to be sure she wasn't there. And at the funeral of the kid, he didn't even as much as touch her or talk to her.

 

Her brother called him twice recently to ask for some help for himself, a place to work. And though he could help him, he said no, and explained that he doesn't want to have anything to do with him or any of his relatives, ever. I was present to both conversations with her brother. He doesn't hide anything.

 

He has no feelings for his ex at all, not positive ones anyway.

 

And you say all this like it's a good thing?

 

You're seriously insecure. You're pretty much boasting about the fact that this guy ditched his ex in the middle of a horrible crisis. It's almost as though you derive more enjoyment from his ill-treatment of her, than you do from the love he shows you (seems like anxious attachment to be honest, and should be addressed and resolved). This is a problem.

 

And not caring about his deceased child? Wow. That's cold. Sure, you may not have known her, but he lost a child! Saying you don't want to see photos of her because you don't care is horrible. And are you not embarrassed that his family knows that you feel this way about their dead niece/grand daughter? Do you not understand that it is horrible for your husband to have to defend this behaviour of yours to his family?

 

You really do need to seek help. So does your partner. So many indicators of some serious issues in your relationship, and with the both of you individually. Drinking to ease the irrational and intense jealousy of your husband's ex? This is not normal, and you will end up seriously screwing yourself over if you don't sort yourself out soon.

 

Please, both of you go and get individual counseling. Couple's counseling could also be added into the mix, but please sort yourselves out and treat this seriously. This is a mess.

[freeRedbull]

I am insecure, I admit. Cause of those 8 years they had...

 

about him... is anxious attachment that bad, something one can't live with? how can it be resolved?

[VeronicaRoss]

If you've ever seen the TV show 'The Big Bang Theory' the character Sheldon is a funny version of the way you sound here.

 

You keep on asking what can be done about your feelings, because your feelings are causing you pain. You're fixated on how you feel, and do things that are hurtful to others without expressing concern. Most people would have immediately registered that they are causing other's pain and they feel bad about that.

 

Others have also pointed out that you lack empathy. Empathy isn't just when you know someone is in pain, you naturally act, you respond, to reduce their pain or at the very least not cause more. And you don't do that. You see the pain but you're not moved to help or reduce it in someone you're married to.

 

Your inability to react socially appropriately to emotional situations could be something you were born with or something that developed because of the way you were treated when you were very young, or both. It's a bit of a mystery what causes it but estimate are about 10% of the population are like this.

 

That said, you can learn intellectually what 'appropriate' is and behave appropriately even if you don't feel that way. But you'd need guidance.

 

There are all kinds of things you could research while you search for the therapist you truly need to know what's going on, we can only guess. Based only what what you've written here 'Narcisstic Personality Disorder', 'Borderline Personality Disorder' 'Histronic Personality Disorder', Aspergers Syndrome come to mind.

 

Good luck!

[newmoon]

your husband is probably still dealing with unresolved grief. if he walked out on the woman and the child and didn't say anything even at the funeral, there is an issue there he isn't dealing with. and if you're not willing or able to talk about it with him then it'll cause more problems than it solves. you said he was ok with you not speaking about or liking the child, but think about the feelings he is bottling up and the emotional closeness you are denying yourself with him. if you want to have a strong marriage and erase that other woman from his mind and yours then start to be a really great wife. it sounds like he is also isolating himself from his family? perhaps because of being in a different country, but if his brother calls and he isn't willing to talk to him they might start to blame you. be a positive influence in his life. I would suggest putting a lot of effort into making your husband happy and listening to his problems - perhaps by seeing how happy you make him it'll increase you own happiness and self-esteem, and have you focus less on the other woman.

[Poppygoodwill]

I was not a relative of the child, I never even met her. So I can't actually love her or feel pain for her in the way he does or his family. It's just not posible.

 

And, again I say... I see her as a link to memmories with the mother. I know it doesn't make too much sense, but I don't like to be present to conversations about her. He doesn't even mention her unless someone asks though, he's very accepting/tolerating of my unreasonable thoughts. I mean, he even hugs me, comforts me, and kisses me when he sees I get upset about this, like, to assure everything is ok. I realize I have no logic at all, and that he shows super-human patience and he's not even trying, he's doing it with all his heart, I feel his affection like a warm blanket around me everytime I get paranoid, he's so so understanding, I'm a total biatch, I feel guilty for being so self-centered and illogical and small mided.

 

It's so difficult fighting all these nagative feelings, it hurts.

 

So somehow you manage to turn his grief over a dead child, into a reason for him to console you over your hurt feelings? Wow. I would say you should add 'expert manipulator' to "self-centered, illogical and small minded".

[whichwayisup]

I am insecure, I admit. Cause of those 8 years they had...

 

about him... is anxious attachment that bad, something one can't live with? how can it be resolved?

 

But she is NOT in his life anymore. You say they don't even see or speak to each other at all so why be so upset and jealous of his past?

 

CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy, look into that type of counseling to help you.

 

You can post here all you want and we can tell you 100 times of advice, but until YOU make the changes to better yourself and get this under control, this is how your life is going to be.

[Speakingofwhich]

I am insecure, I admit. Cause of those 8 years they had...

 

Although you believe this is the source of your insecurity if you get into IC I believe you'll find it's not.

 

Your insecurity began a way long time before you met your H.

[OwnedByCats]

What is there to be jealous of? I admit I can be a pretty jealous person because I am insecure, but if I were in your situation I could not see what exactly to be jealous about. He was cold to his ex when their child was dying, wouldn't even be in the same room with her, how in the heck is that jealous worthy?? It sounds to me he was pretty miserable with her, for whatever reason, so I fail to see why you have issues here. Counseling if you can get it would be important I think.

 

Now this whole thing about the child, I simply don't understand your lack of empathy. My husband's ex (who he could not and still cannot stand) kept one of the dogs they had when they were together and he kept the other one. I never met the dog, but when I found out she had been put to sleep, I was devastated for him, her and the dog. I love animals so that's just the way I am, however if he had a child with her that died, I would feel awful for him, and yes, even for her, regardless of if I never met the child or it happened before we got together. Maybe you need to be a mother to understand how profound losing a child is, but I gotta tell you, the lack of empathy is a bit unnerving to me and I myself am not even a mother.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Anyone else feeling creeped out by her ex's behavior toward the mother of his child?

 

What kind of man avoids going to the hospital and refuses to console her at the funeral?

 

OP, I would be more concerned about his behavior during this crisis than the 8 years they "shared".

[Raena]

If I were you, I'd be more upset about how he treated his ex than the fact that they were together for 8 years.

 

For a man to walk out on the mother of his child and not bother to speak to her in such a time of crisis is a HUGE red flag. If he had no respect for her, what makes you think he is going to have any respect for you? What if he does the same thing to you?

 

If you dig deep, you may see that this is what you are really concerned about. He might be emasculating himself for you at this point but it's going to get old.

 

Your relationship with him sounds more like a dominatrix/submissive relationship than a healthy one. Why do you feel the need to have that much control over him?

 

I can't understand your lack of empathy for his loss. Or, for that matter, your need to get him to console you for being upset that he had a loss or a woman he used to love.

 

Who cares what he did with her? What difference does it make? He's with you!