Is my marriage not right? How can i improve it?

[peterbak]

Hello, first off let me say that I can't believe that I have signed up for this site. I am in much need of some advice. Here is the basic run down of my situation, sorry if I ramble on. Me and my wife are very young, I am 22 and she is 19. We have been married for a little over a year now, things between us have been very distant.

 

I work have a normal 40 hour a week job and when I am off I work on vehicles on the side for extra money. My wife does not work and stays at home, she does not clean or do any house chores. Usually when I come home from work I find her watching tv or she will be out with friends. I will pick up and make myself dinner, I have tried talking to her about her doing more of the housework and cooking food since she does not work. I also explained that I take care of everything else, bills, animals, insurance, etc...

 

She has told me that she does not want to be a housewife and feels like that is what I am trying to turn her into, but she refuses to get a job because she doesnt like having to deal with work. I do not think this is fair to me. In addition to this she has told me multiple times that she hates me and regrets marrying me, this has destroyed me. I am always depressed and unhappy which makes her upset with me because I am not the peppy happy person I used to be. I love her more then anything in this world and I would die for her. Is there anything I can do to try and show her another way? I feel like I am just someone that takes care of her and supplies her with money and support.

 

I know this is alot of information but I think that it helps give uall a good understanding. And the last thing that she has dropped on me is that she wants us to have an open marriage. She has looked me dead in the eyes and told me she wants to date and have sex with other mean and women! I am hurting so much, I view marriage as two people becoming one sharing with eachother and nobody else. She claims that it will help our marriage and would be exciting. She says that she is young and feels like she scrwed herself out of a life by marrying me? Please help me I am lost on what to do. I want it to work out. Thank you and again sorry for the long post.

Edited January 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grumpybutfun]

Did she also insist on you paying for dates, I wonder? How dare she expect you to be traditional while being lazy at home, making you completely provide for the family and then wanting an open marriage. I mean your thread has everything...it is like a best of the forum in one convenient post.

 

G

[CarrieT]

Me and my wife are very young, I am 22 and she is 19.

Yes, yes you are…

 

Terribly, terribly too young, I'm afraid, for this ever to turn out well.

 

You aren't going to like this, but scientifically, you both are not even fully matured adults yet. Read this article about half-baked brain syndrome. In short, neither of you are going to figure out what you really want in life until your late 20s.

 

The best thing you can do for your wife is get a divorce and be on your own for several years - waiting to meet a woman (not a child) who is ready to share your life with you. You have a teen bride who needs to experience life and has already indicated as such by wanting play around.

 

I was like your wife, actually. I got married at 20 and my husband and I started swinging - believing it would help our marriage. We were divorced by 25… It was in my 30s that I learned just how immature I was and how stupid it was to try and be married so young.

[peterbak]

Hello, thank you for your reply. Do you think divorce is the only option? Is there nothing else that we could try and do?

[deathandtaxes]

She says that she is young and feels like she scrwed herself out of a life by marrying me?

 

 

 

This is all I needed to read. Sorry man.

 

 

Seems you are both young. You're married to a kid. One that doesn't work, doesn't want to take care of the household.

[CarrieT]

Is there nothing else that we could try and do?

The problem seems to be that your wife is not ready to be a grown, responsible woman. And waiting for her to become that woman is going to make you go nuts…

 

If you insist she get a job and shoulder some of the financial responsibility, she will undoubtedly have affairs and tear your heart out. You said it yourself; she regrets marrying you. She regrets not having the fun-loving lifestyle that goes with being her age. And she will be this way for many, many years.

 

The best thing you can do is let her go. You will be happier in the long run - trust me on that one. At only 22 years of age, you have a lot of growing yourself to do. Why are you so anxious to tie yourself down so early in life with someone who doesn't want the same things you do?

[Ninjainpajamas]

This was over before it started Peter, whatever the reasons she married you for were not about love.

 

She doesn't want to be home, she doesn't want to be cleaning, cooking and taking care of the house...she doesn't even want to be your wife, she's pushing you around and making you look like a sucker, the fact that you'd sit there and let someone talk to you like this just goes to show how little she respects you and how little self-respect you have for yourself...you can't love this girl like this, you can't be such a pussy, she'll never respect you.

 

You have to learn to speak up for yourself and do what you need to do, I've known guys like you and I can't for the life of me understand why someone would allow their SO act in the way they do and get away with it all...it's just baffling and ridiculous, and something you've got to really learn to draw the line on.

 

But she doesn't love you man, you've got to get out of this before it destroys your self-esteem even more, she's never going to be the perfect loving house wife...she's already way beyond shown that. You're working right now, making the money, paying the bills...kick her to the curb and tell her to find another man to leech off...don't let your emotions get the best of you, I know this girl knows how to manipulate you and push your buttons, so you've got to be strong and determined...the thing is, you think you love this girl too much to let her go so I'm sure you'd try everything even if it made absolutely no sense and would never work.

 

This woman will change and destroy you into that happy guy to this depressed and feeling worthless kind of guy, because she's not going to respect you and you're going to condition yourself to this treatment and think this is what you deserve...and she will cheat on you, no doubt about that.

 

These type of women will lock you down with a child too, they know you're safe, reliable and provide an income...don't be a fool, she will try to get pregnant to fix the relationship or keep it together, as much as she might not love you or even like you because she's being so selfish, she can't afford to lose you to get what she needs...so she will likely do whatever it takes to keep you, but it's not because this girl loves you, that's her knowing you love her and she's just manipulating you for her needs...which means she'll say and do anything to convince you to stick around even if she doesn't mean it...she doesn't care, she treats you like a nobody.

[d0nnivain]

She's an immature child & you are paying for it.

 

 

Your post reminds me of this joke:

 

 

A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the driveway, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

 

She need a "come to Jesus" talking to. Either she stays home & takes care of the house or she gets a job but she doesn't get to sit on her ass while you work two jobs then expect you to cook your own meals & do your own laundry while she's out f**king somebody else. If you don't want an open marriage, tell her the only open part of your marriage is the door & she's free to leave.

[oldshirt]

.

 

 

In addition to this she has told me multiple times that she hates me and regrets marrying me, this has destroyed me.

 

 

 

Why do you want to be with her then???

 

 

If your answer is, "because I love her," my next question is how long do you think you can love someone who tells you to your face that she hates you?

 

 

How can you love someone who is destroying you?

 

 

Why do you want to be with someone that does not want to be with you? Why are you supporting someone who doesn't love you, doesn't want to be married to you and is unwilling to get off their duff and bring in some money too and is unwilling to do anything around the house.

 

 

You are being used. You are being played for a fool.

 

 

What would you tell your younger brother if a woman was treating him this way? What you tell your son if he was being treated this way?

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

I feel like I am just someone that takes care of her and supplies her with money and support.

 

.

 

 

 

You are.

 

 

You are 100% correct on that one.

[oldshirt]

 

 

And the last thing that she has dropped on me is that she wants us to have an open marriage. She has looked me dead in the eyes and told me she wants to date and have sex with other mean and women!

 

 

 

 

She says that she is young and feels like she scrwed herself out of a life by marrying me? .

 

 

 

OK this part you may not want to hear, but I actually understand where she is coming from here and I believe what she is saying here is accurate and sincere.

 

 

She DOES want to date and screw other people. And she did screw herself AND YOU out of a lot of living by getting married.

 

 

Somehow you each thought getting married would be fun and that it would be fun and exciting to have a wedding and a reception and a wedding party and to get a place and play house.

 

 

That fun probably lasted a week or two then real life started setting in.

 

 

19 year olds (and a lot of 22 year olds) want to get out and date a variety of people and screw around a bit. .......and they should.

 

 

19 year olds should not be getting married.

 

 

You two married too young. You each had too much living to do and you each kind of screwed yourselves out of a very important period of personal growth and development.

 

 

She has outright stated she is miserable. You have admitted to us she is making you miserable. You both have valid reasons to be miserable and your misery is understandable.

 

 

Now I know you mind is telling you, "yeah but I wouldn't be miserable if only she would........"

 

 

But that's the probable, "..if only she would...." doesn't count because SHE DOESNT. She is what she is, she does what she does, and she doesn't do what she doesn't do.

 

 

You have to accept reality here - this isn't working.

 

 

You can do one of two things here. You can grit your teeth and stay together and hope that she will change and morph into a completely different person. But how the reality will play out is she will continue to bleed you and continue to use you for support and you will grow more bitter and resentfull with each passing day. In time you will stop loving her. It is also only a matter of time before she does cheat on you (my guess is she already has)

 

 

So option A is to wait until you are both completely fed up with and sick of each other and she cheats and blows everything up completely and there is a lot of drama and chaos and hate and bitterness.

 

 

Or you can pick option B and strive for an amicable divorce and try to part ways on reasonably friendly terms.

 

 

Yes there will be tears and sadness for a few weeks but you are both very young and in the prime of life and it will just be a matter of time before both of you are enjoying the freedom and realizing that getting married so young was a mistake for both of you.

 

 

If you split up amicably now, you stand a chance of having much less baggage and much less bitterness and resentments and you stand a chance of having at least an understanding and acceptance of each other if not an actual cordial friendship to one degree or another down the road.

 

 

If you wait until the bitterness and resentments grow and the cheating occurs, then there is going to be bloodshed and bitterness and hate and baggage and pain that will last for years and will color everything black for a long time to come.

[Lauriebell82]

Your wife is nowhere NEAR ready for marriage. It doesn't sound like you are either TBH.

 

 

The only other option I see is marriage counseling. Would your wife be open to that? Would you? The only problem I forsee is that your wife doesn't sound like she is too interested in working things out. She'd rather avoid these issues and use swinging as a way to cope with her marital regrets.

 

 

So if counseling is not an option, then there is slim to none chance of this marriage lasting. Better to get out now then when you have kids.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

sounds like a pickle.

 

youre awesome for wanting to work it out. its tough because you are married. its hard because she wants an open relationship, so it makes you wonder if she already is having one. then you have to think about your physical health and safety.

 

point is, if your life, health, safety is jeopardized because of her actions with other people, youre pretty much free to leave on account that if youre not ok with it, and she does.. she was unfaithful.

 

but again, its awesome you want to work it out.