jnel921 Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Lets say that what happen that night was the opinion and views of my wife which does not make it the truth... Well first of all the day began with me asking my wife if she had a problem if I went out with the guys , and when i say guys i mean fellow officers male or females because that how i see it.Lets keep in mind that this is the first time in two years that we are together that i went out on my own. Again I asked my wife Key word (asked)If she had a problem with it and she said no . I wanted to go out with a bunch of guys that had been together since we got on the job and it was the last time that we were going to be all together because we were getting separated and going on different shifts and commands . She said it was OK , that she didn't have a problem if we went out the next day to dance ,which I said no problem. The shift was up at 9 PM . I called my wife to inform her that we had decide to go to a bar called chazz. It was approximately 945 PM that we left the command after everyone showered and changed . at that time I again informed my wife that i was on the way to the bar at which she starts asking me what I'm wearing ,who's going basically giving me the full treatment. I admit that after awhile of be bombarded with questions i did get loud because i felt that i told her where I was going and with who .To ask me what i was wearing i felt was totally wrong. Keep in mind that my wife has been out numerous times with her friends since we been together specifically two occasions that she was out to 4 in the morning and 3 in the morning. For which I never say no or gave her the third degree. I learned from my past experience that if someone is going to be unfaithful they will find the time . You cannot watch someone 24/7. I will not go wondering about what my wife does when I'm not around . And believe me my wife turns many heads when she walks the streets. Trust I believe is the key. I love my wife and I thank God everyday for having her in my life. without her I would be Lost but I feel that her not trusting me is the reason to our problems. We have issues but not to get this all worked up about ... thanks for your attention ..... feeling blue, Nypdblue Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Hi there, Sounds like you need a bit of advise, probably the reason noone has responded is that your problem is kind of like fluffy cotton candy compared to some of the stories on these sites. You should be grateful for that, but it sounds like you might be a bit young and in need of some advise. First of all, why did she ask you what you were wearing you wonder? Why? Because she wants a visual picture in her head about what you look like, why? Because she loves you and might be feeling a bit jealous. Are you a good looking guy? Well, there you have it, that wasn't so difficult was it? If she is giving you a hard time about going out it is only because she loves you and maybe feels a bit left out? If you love her as you say, and I hope you do , then don't be tempted by some of the fresh looking trash out there, it may look healthy but it could be pure rancid inside. Sorry for the unpleasent imagry but keep your priorities straight and keep wifey happy. Be glad these are the only problems you have, some of the stories on these threads would curl a persons hair, so take care and take care of wifey. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 If she is giving you a hard time about going out it is only because she loves you and maybe feels a bit left out? Oh, so that is HIS problem? This is the FIRST time he's gone out by himself in two years. Holy sh*t. I feel sorry for him. My ex did that to me. For FOUR years. I went out once during that time w/o her and I got the third degree.When she finally left me for someone else, I thought I lost all my friends. I was happy to know they still wanted to hang out with me. I can understand where he is coming from, he is being treated like a child. My current fiancee likes when I go out with friends. And she does the same. If he lets her go out & not give the third degree, then he deserves the same respect. And no problem is too big or small for this board. Trust is a big issue. Though I wouldn't go as far as to say she doesn't trust you, it's that she doesn't trust the other women out there. But she has to remember it takes two to tango. There is nothing wrong, nor should she be hurt or offended if another chick comes upto you while you are out. She should only feel that way if you flirt back, etc.. Her calling, asking about what you are wearing.. Well, I can guarantee if it was a guy asking his gf this while she was out, all the women here would be yelling 'He's controlling, run as fast as you can away from him'. Doesn't the same go here? You should've replied that you were wearing your best clothes. You should be able to go out without the fear of coming home to a bunch of questions and accusations. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 In your post you said you two agreed to go dancing the next night, did that happen? There is nothing wrong with her asking you what you are wearing in my opinion. Even this morning my wife is wearing the tightest jeans she has and a tight muscle shirt.......she's soooo hot!!!! hehe, anyway....I made a comment about it and we joked around.....( She's going to the store with the kids for school supplies ), she told me that there was this hot guy that works there....and well, I laughed and told her not to bring him home. Yes, we joked about it, but at the same time she got the hint that I didn't think wearing that clothing was suitable to go to the store. I've posted a thread in here about how she dresses and from what I gathered from the advice I got is that she has a need to feel sexy and I shouldn't hinder that. I now agree. There is nothing wrong with guys wanting the same thing either. So to your Wife I say, ease up, if he's a handsome guy and wants to feel handsome, let him, he's yours and yours only!! You have to trust him. To the Husband: Don't get so defensive with her!! She's your wife and she deserves the details. It's a very small sacrifice on your part to put your wife at ease. And when you say you're going to do something with her, do it. Her whole problem is that she feels you two need to spend more time together. I understand about your team being seperated soon, and she should also, ( That detail was left out in the original post ). If you love your wife, and I'm sure you do, put some time a couple weekends away each month for just the two of you. One weekend you do what she wants to do, the next do what you want to do. The main thing is, communicate more without getting so defensive, remember that it doesn't take much and it is her right to know and understand your feelings and maybe she'll be more at ease with your activities. Just my opinion, I'm not meaning to sound like I'm telling you what you should do. Moose Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Yes, we joked about it, but at the same time she got the hint that I didn't think wearing that clothing was suitable to go to the store. I've posted a thread in here about how she dresses and from what I gathered from the advice I got is that she has a need to feel sexy and I shouldn't hinder that You sure she got the hint? There is a HUGE difference from wearing something to make you feel sexy, and wearing something skimpy to attract another guy's attention because she thinks he's hot. Didn't mean to get off topic from the original poster, but I thought this needed to be pointed out. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Yeah, I'm sure, she offered to drive home and change, I told her, "Nah, make him jealous of me hun", and that was the end of it. I trust her and I'm a little more understanding about how she feels about herself and the way she dresses. Besides, I think the hot guy is fictional, we just joke like that a lot. When she uses my cell phone I always tell her that if any of my girlfriends call, not to mess it up for me and act like my sister....she knows it's just a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Are you the husband who's wife hit him in the crotch with a shoes? he he Her story us totally different. It sounds like you two don't communicate well at all. You need to clearly state your feelings ect to her and she needs to do the same to you. I think the problem would be solved easly enough. Also it sounds like you need to set aside some time on a weekly basis for just you two. Date again have romantic dinners at home just chill together and watch a movie set aside like a 1/2 hour each day to talk to ech other about the dat ect.. Go out with friends together. Did you forgive her for hitting you with a shoe? Maybe when you guys fight agree to take a time out to simmer down so it doesn't esculate. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 There is some really good advise here, and sometimes what a man needs is a (mans) advise as long as it is rational, like these two guys here. Jmargel has some really good advise to offer, and it makes sence, the "Holy ****" part I think is so apt, such a "man" expression, my brothers all say it. Looks like you are in good hands blue fella, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Why did you stay out til three? Was that out of spite? Why was your wife under the impression that she was going with you? Why didn't you let her tag along, if she wanted to? Why did you make fun of her feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 He is getting some good advise from the boys here, lets leave him with them, I mean do you know how hard it is to get a male perspective on this site? I like your posts, have read them for some time, hope you haven't heard or believed all the nasty things you may have read about me, I'm really not a bad girl. Take care monday. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 I have an opinion..... I can see why he was so irritated when first off, hasn't gone out in a few years, and finally gets to and bam, wife asks the 20 questions... I would be pissed if my husband did that. It's not about me being unfaithful, but it also sends a message that the other person does not trust you when they are asking so many questions. If people would be able to have a little of their own life (without cheating of course) then maybe some more marriages would stay together. I know that I sure as hell need some me time and my husband definetly needs some time with the boys as well. Just my opinion...my husband and I say...we have a lifetime to see eachother, so whats a night here and there... Of course, the main ingredient, trust. We have trust and that is what makes it .. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Thanks therresa.. Monday, he told his wife he was going out with the guys, without her. Staying out til 3? I doubt it was for spite. It was probably because they were having fun and lost track of time. He wouldn't be seeing them much anymore. And how did he make fun of her feelings? And hotgurl, if your guy hit you in the crotch, would you be laughing? The first time my chick hits me, I'm gone. Too many women out there that would be willing to try a decent guy right, without having to put up w/ that. He shouldn't have to explain himself for just wanting to go out with friends. Like Supermom said, you still need your 'own' time away, otherwise when will you get to miss your spouse? It all comes down to trust. If one spouse doesn't trust the other enough, either due to mis-behavior of the other spouse, or due to just insecurities, then either counseling needs to be started or divorce preceedings. You crowd any person too much, and you will scare them away. You'll be getting the opposite effect of what you truly want. The only way to allivate that is to back off. Let your spouse come to you. That'll also make you feel better inside, knowing they 'want' to be with you, not because they feel they have to due to your demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Originally posted by Monday Why did you stay out til three? Was that out of spite? Why was your wife under the impression that she was going with you? Why didn't you let her tag along, if she wanted to? Why did you make fun of her feelings? I reread his post and he never mentions what time he got back from his outing. He only mentions that his wife has gone out and return at 4 and 3 am with her friends. I don't see in his post where his wife got the impression that she was going. All his wife said was for them to go out dancing the following night and he agreed. I also, don't see where she wanted to tag along. And last, I don't see anywhere on the post where he makes fun of her feelings? Are we reading the same post. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 jmargel, I think that you are missing some points too, and it's probably due to your in-experience of being Married. While you are correct that the Husband shouldn't have to explain himself why he wants to go out, it's out of common curtiosy to let his Wife know. The sooner husbands learn that, the better of they'll be. I have a lot better time when I know that my Wife's mind is at peace with what I'm doing and the only way for that to happen is if she KNOWS what I'm doing. If you're out of there just because your girl throws a shoe at you, you may wind up being the loniest man on earth....my wife has thrown all kinds of objects at me when she got frustrated......we worked on it, I didn't go anywhere. IMO, the Husband and Wife are one, why not let the other know exactly what's up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 I allowed my Blue guy to read my posts...I figured if he read them he would get an idea of how I was feeling about what happened. First of all... I agree at first I didnt have a problem with him going out since he did promise to go out the next day...But I did mention drinks afterwards and that was ignored . He also mentioned secondary plans... This is when I got upst. His defense was that a guys night out means anywhere with anyone. As far as I knew I agreed to a farewell get together and nothing else. If there was an after thing going on then i felt he should have asked me. He omitted some things from his post and I feel wont admit to the anger that made him come home later than he was supposed to. Also those eveing that I was out with my friends...I picked up his calls. So he knew how my evening was going. Him not picking up was a problem and i've expressed this but he tries to justify it with my behavior. BTW he is not tied to a leash. On his days off when I am at work he is out and about and will enjoy playing golf every now and then. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Originally posted by jnel921 I allowed my Blue guy to read my posts...I figured if he read them he would get an idea of how I was feeling about what happened. First of all... I agree at first I didnt have a problem with him going out since he did promise to go out the next day...But I did mention drinks afterwards and that was ignored . He also mentioned secondary plans... This is when I got upst. His defense was that a guys night out means anywhere with anyone. As far as I knew I agreed to a farewell get together and nothing else. If there was an after thing going on then i felt he should have asked me. He omitted some things from his post and I feel wont admit to the anger that made him come home later than he was supposed to. Also those eveing that I was out with my friends...I picked up his calls. So he knew how my evening was going. Him not picking up was a problem and i've expressed this but he tries to justify it with my behavior. BTW he is not tied to a leash. On his days off when I am at home he is out and about and will enjoy playing golf every now and then. ahh, there is always two sides to every story. Well, in all cases, communication is crucial. Physical violence never helps. I hope you two work things out. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 Moose, I totally agree with you. I feel that out of common courtesy he should inform me of his whereabouts. I get really tired of hearing guys say that they are grown and dont have to explain anything. I just don't agree with that. He just gives me a hard time and I don't know why..... Oh and by the way I asked 2 questions....not 20 like another poster stated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jnel921 Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 well i told her from the beginning it was a guy night out, out of the group there were at least 6 to 7 fellow officers that were married and none of them brought there wife's because it was a guys night out . second we are going to a public bar , I don't know about you but but every bar i've been to has females in it so for her to get mad because fellow female officers were there is ridiculous. Anyway the plan was for me to go out that night and the next night go dancing but it all went to .... because she got mad and i never-ed agreed to come home at a certain time ,time fly when your enjoying yourself and as for the phone i didn't ignore it music was loud and didnt here it, anyway she knew were I was and with who . if she trusted me which I know she doesn't it shouldn't be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Iiiiiii dunno, it sounds like both of you have your collars on a little too tight. It sounds just like some miscommunication, a bit of insecurity, and hurt feelings on both sides. I think you should both take some time to relax, have a date night, have another night where you both go out with your own friends, away from each other, and not tell each other anything. I don't think either of you have anything to worry about in the other, and to be honest, getting some time alone without checking in with each other will make each of you appreciate the other more. Marriage, from what I understand, shouldn't be a chokehold. Maybe you both need a vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 second we are going to a public bar , I don't know about you but but every bar i've been to has females in it so for her to get mad because fellow female officers were there is ridiculous. I'd be worried if you went to an all male bar...... Anyway the plan was for me to go out that night and the next night go dancing but it all went to .... because she got mad and i never-ed agreed to come home at a certain time Ok, well, I don't think that's a valid excuse to not take her dancing. Come on, that sounds a little immature. You two are newlyweds and you are going to fight from time to time. I think our first 3 years were the worst!!! You need to communicate more and to remember.......you are no longer alone!!!! When you Married and said your vows, you became ONE!!!! And get this notion out of your heads that if he's not trying I'm not trying because marriage isn't 50/50.....it's 100/100!!! Now, KISS and make up and go to dinner together....afterwards, go dancin' then go home and, "dance", some more!!! You both deserve it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Well, now I can see both sides!!! Why don't you two calm down and talk to each other, before you blow things out of proportion! HUSBAND: You shouldn't have left out details Why did you omit the part where she hit you with the shoe!? People on here thought I was nuts talking about you coming home at 3 a.m. Here it is folks...I'm not dumb http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43913/ But anyhoo, your wife got on here and told us that you wouldn't answer the phone. She believed you were ignoring her. Why didn't you just TELL her that you couldn't hear the phone...better yet, why didn't you put it on vibrate? My initial problem with my husband was us not having time together. Here is her problem. This is why she's acting like a cry baby. She wants your attention...that ain't a bad thing. Earlier this week he mentions that the guys are going to the bar to wish one of them well as they will be leaving the job soon. I asked my husband if it was ok to meet later on in the evening. He said nothing. *wife, this should've indicated to you, that he didn't want to meet you later...let him have his fun* Before he left he called me and I asked him which bar was he going to and what was he wearing. ( I wanted to get an idea if he was dressed for a club). But he became enraged with these questions. Then he said that he may not even stay at that particular bar and that he may call his other friend so they could meet up to play pool. At that point I was like.."Hello didnt I ask to meet with you?" But at that point he was yelling again at the top of his lungs. Told me he would call me when he's ready to come home and that may be before 1am. Husband: Did you get enraged? Why didn't you give your wife the benefit of the doubt? It sounds to me, like you were already thinking, "She goes out all the time, yet when I want to go out, she wants to tag along, or nage me about it. It's ok for her to have fun, but not me!" then when she asks you where you're at, and what you're wearing *two ligitimate questions, by the way, if she's going to meet you* you blow up at her, because you think she's trying to be your mother. I don't want to believe that you hurt her feelings on purpose, so she wouldn't meet you later....that's just wrong, and you shouldn't do that. WIFE: It's clear that your husband wanted a boys night out. Why did you feel the need to tag along? Is it because of the aforementioned "not having enough time togther"? I can see his side. He felt that you were nagging him, and it insulted him, and annoyed him. I see your side too....you wanted to tag along. If it's going to be just the guys, though, wives shouldn't be along. You mentioned that he said his female co-workers were there. Is this true, HUSBAND? My husband has meetings at his work place once every few months, and afterwards, they all go out to dinner, and he doesn't get home until around 9....just in time to go to bed, so he can get up early for work the next day. I don't ask to tag along. I let him have his fun with his work buddies. SURE I'd like to hang out with my husband and his friends, but I respect that he needs time to socialize with work friends. Guess what.....last meeting, he invited me along. None of the other guys had their wives there, but my hubby wanted me there. I was happy to be there. Don't barge in, wife. Let him have his buddy time. Don't be inconsiderate, husband. Realize that you have an abusive wife, that throws shoes, and cater to her a little bit....aka, don't ag it on by making fun of her. Did you make fun of her feelings? 'Cause she said you did Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Heh, I agree with Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 I would agree with you about a guy's night out, except there were females from work there also. In that case, I think wife should have been invited. Does your wife go on girl's night with guys? I think she was totally wrong for hitting you, and I think she knows that. I also think the phone should have been on vibrate. She says she always answers your calls on girl's night. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Ummmm, this was like a good bye thingy.....friends departing.......maybe he forgot to switch to vibrate.....???? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 As far as I knew I agreed to a farewell get together and nothing else. If there was an after thing going on then i felt he should have asked me. Jeez.. Are you sure your his wife, and not his mother? He has to ask permission to go somewhere else, while he's already out? Remember they never agreed on a time he'd come home, so coming home at 3am shouldn't be an issue. As far as the phone, him not hearing it.. That's understandable. Having it on vibrate might not even do that much either, since with the loud music & all he still might not know it's ringing. I feel that out of common courtesy he should inform me of his whereabouts Why? Why do you feel the need he has to call you, just because he goes somewhere else as well that night? So that you can hound him? I wouldn't call either if I felt that way. With all this crap that is going on, this is worse than you saying 'No you can't go out with your friends, only I can'. Keep doing this and you'll push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
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