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Hi all. I'm new here. I've been married for 3.5 years to the absolute love of my life. We have 4 children, my two from a previous marriage, his one from a previous marriage, and we have a daughter together.

 

It's been a pretty good 3.5 years. We've actually been together for 7 years. I'm very much in love with him but for the past 5 months I've been unhappy.

 

My husband has recently started a talent scouting business with his friend. (my husband is a freelance photographer) So far the only people who have signed up for the agency are young women. Basically my husband will do free photo shoots for them and post them on the website, hoping they will be discovered. My issue is the types of photos he's doing. When he first expressed his dream of being a photographer it was more of a wedding/portrait thing. Now it's gone into fashion, yet the photos he is taking are on the boudoir end of that. Very risque and revealing. I'm so uncomfortable with it. The first time he did a photo shoot like this he tried to hide it. The girl was topless. He finally did come clean and show me and then promised me he'd never do any like that again. He's been tiptoeing his way back to doing risque shots.

 

He feels that I'm trying to kill his dreams. That I'm only making a big deal because of my own jealousies and insecurities. That most women wouldn't care.

 

I need advice. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill. Mind you, while he's doing this photo shoots I'm home with our 4 kids. He's doing these photo shoots in a garage turned studio at his friend/partners house across town. I'm so tired of fighting about this. Maybe I am insecure, but I feel like he should take my feelings into consideration. Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks,

K

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I think you're being a bit insecure here.

90% of the people who go for this are... Young women. So you can't really blame hubby for not turning down clients, right?

 

What's the difference between him seeing a girl topless in a movie and this? Trust me, it's not like these women throw themselves at him. Models talk about their photographers, and if he had tried anything unprofessional, he'd quickly run out of girls to photograph.

 

The fact that he tried to hide it just shows that he's aware of the fact that you might feel insecure about it, and not much else.

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but I feel like he should take my feelings into consideration. Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks,

K

I have no input as to whether topless (and beyond?) photography is right or wrong. However, your discomfort with the situation should be enough to put a stop to it. When you get married, you become a decision making team in life's major events and your thumbs down should kill the deal.

 

How do you support 4 kids through posting free pictures online :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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I get what you're saying. I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.

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Are you bothered more by the fact that he's doing it with women, or that he's doing it with young women that most likely have not had children and who are at the peak of their attractiveness [or close to it] ?

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Are you bothered more by the fact that he's doing it with women, or that he's doing it with young women that most likely have not had children and who are at the peak of their attractiveness [or close to it] ?

 

Good question. I do think the flawless bodies have a lot to do with it. I am insecure, I know that.

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I get what you're saying. I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.

 

I get what you're saying. But I strongly doubt he's getting anything sexually out of it.

 

Does he like to look at boobs, and would much prefer it to shooting baby pictures? No doubt.

 

But he's not getting off on it, or spends half the time of the photoshoot running out to the bathroom to furiously masturbate, if you don't mind the graphic image.

 

Boobs are a pretty common sight these days. He doesn't have to make up a photography hobby to look at them.

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Anyways, if you could find a way to deal with your insecurity, without him giving up the photography gig, I think it would be beneficial for your marriage.

 

If you had to force the issue, I'm sure he'd stop. But that doesn't solve the main problem. Your insecurity might come out inn other ways. There will always be better looking women, or more interesting women, no matter how flawless your body might be.

 

But you've given him four kids, which no other woman can even come close to. And you know what's really sexy? A confident woman who doesn't make demands, doesn't force the issue and doesn't make it an issue that keeps coming up.

 

And the photography gig represents something more for hubby than a chance to look at boobs. It represent his dreams, ambitions and opportunity for success, aside from what he already has.

 

Would it be fair for you to make him quit? Yeah sure, to a certain extent. It makes you uncomfortable, so it's not an absolutely unreasonable demand that he stops doing it. But just because it isn't unreasonable doesn't make it beneficial for your guys marriage.

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I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.
It is OK to feel insecure when you have good reason to feel insecure. Your husband is a proven serial cheater that is using a non-money making site to get young women to do soft porn for him. There is a big difference between looking at porn on the web, and seeing it up close and in person, where as the photographer he actually get to stare at and control the subjects, such that the subject does poses that he finds sexy. Today it is topless, but if you allow this, what is to stop him from using this site to eventually get women to let him take full nude shots in the name of pursing his dream as a photographer? The truth be told, there is almost zero chance that he will make any money on this site, or that he will enhance his career in any way with it. If he truly wants to enhance his photography career, his time would be much better spent pursing and drumming up real business, then it is pursuing young women for this site. I have a family member that has made a successful living for many years as a full time photographer, and he would not waste his time on such a project, as he needs to focus his time doing things as a photographer that pay his bills. Of course his wife of many years once made a six digit annual income as a model and actress, so she would not have stood for him trying to pull what your husband is pulling, because she knows the business. When she was young, many amateur and professional photographers tried to use photography as a way to try to get into her pants; she did not buy their false ploys and neither should you buy your husband's.

 

As his wife, you have a right to be an equal partner in setting martial boundaries that you both discuss and mutably agree on. In setting these mutually agreed upon boundaries, the feelings of both parties matter, not just one. For instance, you do not have to agree to allowing him to become a part of the online porn industry, if that is not a lifestyle that you agree with or want to become a part of, even if this were really a way for him to make money.

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There are many more creative and legitimate ways to make a living as a designer and photographer than taking booby shots. I am in the field and no one I know does this. Unless you are pursuing a career in erotic photography, even having those shots in your portfolio is IMHO, a no-no. Put your foot down now and put a stop to it. I suggest he remove them from his site and quit dealing with that type of subject matter. If he keeps down that path, you're just going to have more problems.

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I get what you're saying. I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.

 

Why do you trust him if he's proven himself untrustworthy? I don't mean to rain on the parade, but you evidently don't trust him (and apparently with good reason!) or you wouldn't be hearing alarm bells and posting here. You have a right to be concerned if his history with you has been shady.

 

On a side note, my father has been a professional photographer for about 40 years. He has photographed models too and reports that everyone's usually professional at a shoot. There are always exceptions, of course. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

 

EDIT: Jiust re-read your first post. If he's taking these pics to post them online to showcase his work and give the girls some exposure....surely he isn't posting the topless photos? So why the skin shots?

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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I get what you're saying. I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.

 

I'm sorry, but I gotta ask, if he cheated on you more than once - why would you even marry him?

 

And how can you say 'I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner' and believe it?

 

I think your issue and insecurity about him and the photography is valid, and the chances that he would use an opportunity like that to cheat on you is likely.

 

Yes, maybe most girls won't screw around with the photographer, but they are young girls, a lot of them are naive and would fall for some lines he could give them about having possible connections in 'The Industry' and promising to help get them far. (Although when he's working out of a garage, I dunno how believable that would be ;) - but if they are naive, they may overlook that)

 

you never know...

 

I'm just baffled that you'd sign on and marry someone that already showed you they would cheat on you - repeatedly.

 

Edit: If there was no cheating history, my answer would be a bit different, but yeah - past patterns kind of predict future ones. sorry.

Edited by TigerCub
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AlwaysGrowing

I am also with those that question marrying a man who cheated more than once. Then you say you trust him.

 

The facts surround those events would change my view on how to proceed.

 

The most glaring red flag that I see, is that he hid what he was doing, a cheater mindset...alive and well.

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Copelandsanity
There are many more creative and legitimate ways to make a living as a designer and photographer than taking booby shots. I am in the field and no one I know does this. Unless you are pursuing a career in erotic photography, even having those shots in your portfolio is IMHO, a no-no. Put your foot down now and put a stop to it. I suggest he remove them from his site and quit dealing with that type of subject matter. If he keeps down that path, you're just going to have more problems.

 

Slightly off-topic, but isn't boudoir photography a legit profession? My ex did a shoot as a gift for me using a Groupon. She is an amateur photographer and ended up volunteering some of her free time helping them out. Even without offering the Groupon deal, they had great business, and with it, they were booked all day, night and weekends.

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Good question. I do think the flawless bodies have a lot to do with it. I am insecure, I know that.

 

It's not necessarily about your insecurity.

 

You may be insecure, but if he actively looks for these opportunities and offers a lot of free time to it where only looking for young women and the photographs are just too graphic, then there is a problem.

 

He is married, with 4 kids right now.

He is an amateur photograph from what you described.

What are the odds that he will find the next supermodel, that he will strike it big ?

Doesn't this sound a little bit like having a garage band at 40 and hoping to be the next Dio as a path in life ?

 

Bottom line, the question is ... is he doing this because he is passionate about photography, or is he doing this because he wants some barely legal babes ?

I think this is the question that is plaguing you, and him lying about the first photoshoot does not help.

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The fact that he's not making any money is a red flag. Also doing this 'business' with a friend (is he married?). Tell him you wouldn't mind if money were rolling in. Boudoir and glamour shots for dating websites and boyfriends/husbands would be more profitable. Heck, wedding photography is very lucrative if I can go by a friend who is planning her wedding. Expensive!

 

Sounds like he is a talent scout for porn. Tell him to photograph young men who want to be actors and models -- and to tell you when they are coming in so you can stop by. :p Do you live in a big city where there is a lot of work for actors and models? If not, another red flag.

 

Tell him you want an open door policy where you can drop by this "studio" at any time without warning.

Edited by FitChick
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I get what you're saying. I am insecure. Before we were married he cheated on me more than once. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong at all. I do trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our marriage in that manner. However, I feel as if there is a huge difference between maternity/wedding/infant photos (which is what he initially started out doing) and topless photos.

 

This is the real issue. Not the topless photographs.

 

It actually DOESN'T sound like you trust him...I don't blame you! Personally, I think he should be a bit more sensitive with the risqué photographs, knowing that he cheated and broke your trust. He should be trying to continue to prove himself trustworthy, not giving you reason to doubt him or be suspicious of him.

 

It's B.S. that he HAS to do topless photos. Does he have a "real job?" Or just this photography gig?

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He started this side business to be a talent scout. The women he is taking sexy pictures of do not pay him for this service.

 

As a talent scout, who is he scouting for...or more to my point, who is paying him . Is this venture of five months successful financially or is it just a new hobby of taking sexy pictures of women in his friends garage?

 

Is he generating jobs for these women, or just pretending?

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The fact he's cheated in the past makes this a completely different debate.

 

Have any of his "talents" gotten work for which they, and he, are getting paid?

 

If not, he's probably not a very good scout.

 

Also, I want to say, I used to be in the music industry, essentially as a talent scout (didn't call myself that) and I can tell you it's a grimy business. You find good talent and as soon as they make headway, they drop you for a guy that has more connections (even though they never would have met the guy with connections if it weren't for me). There were a couple of bands that I hooked up pretty good that are quite famous now, and I have virtually nothing to show for it as they're a bunch of selfish twats.

Edited by crederer
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Thank you all for replying.

 

To answer the major question on most of your minds....I married my husband after learning of his infidelity because I love him. And yeah, I know that makes me sounds like the most ignorant chick on earth. I'll be on the next Jerry Springer soon enough. Since we've been married and up until the last 5 months I've had zero reason to think anything about his faithfulness.

 

During the day he is a graphic designer at a medical illustrating firm. This is a side business that he and his friend (not married, wife divorced him after he cheated) dreamed up.

 

Like I said, when he told me he wanted to try his hand at photography (Weddngs, babies, maternity) I was SUPER EXCITED for him. I loved the idea. I wanted to help him. I thought it was awesome. Then comes this ignorant plan to start this talent (which his friend thought of while he was drunk and my husband thought it would be an actual decent idea). My first thought was no friggin way. We have 4 kids, I don't need you wasting time on something that isn't bringing in money. But he swore to me that his friend was putting up all the capital (which he has) and that if it's not pulling in money in 12 months he'd quit. But then he had that first shoot, the girl was topless (nipples were covered) and the others were along the same lines as maxim, and LIED to me about it. Since then I've had major issues. When it's brought up he gets defensive and it's impossible to argue. I end up crying and can't get my thoughts across.

 

I just don't know what to do.

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Money. Has he brought in any money? This is probably the most important factor because it shows it a a profession and not an excuse to see topless girls.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through nearly an identical situation and it was the precursor to the end of my long term marriage. In short, my ex had boundary issues and fell real hard for a nude 'model'- i could see he was 'getting off' with this 'work' and had lost all sense of right and wrong- it was repulsive and lacked any artistic value. Additionally, it was totally objectifying of women, which disgusted me just as much. It was awful and humiliating on so many levels.

 

When I set boundaries of what I could live with to try and work with him on this - not partying after the shoots with the 'models', not touching the models, things like that, he adamantly refused saying i was interfering with his 'art' and thus down the drain we went.

 

after we separated he hooked up with her shortly thereafter. i found out later he got an std from her.

 

i wish you well with this. the only thing i can offer you is to set boundaries of what you think you could live with. perhaps none of it. i and many others (especially professionals in the field) would agree with that choice. good luck

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I would tell him you'd like to start contributing towards the family income and will start working for he and his sleazy buddy at their 'studio.' Tell him you've lined up a cheap babysitter for several nights a week and will start reporting for 'duty' on Monday night.

 

Watch him squirm THEN.

 

 

I actually did something quite similar to this last night and to my astonishment he agreed. He finally admitted that he felt he'd wronged me and wanted to make it right. He said he would stop doing any shoots that weren't clothed and I could be there as an assistant to make me feel better.

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I a always amazed at the responses about ths type of thing (as well as porn) where it suddenly becomes about "what's the big deal" and "you're insecure," when the REAL problem to me is this:

 

He knows that this is creating a lt of stress and unhappiness for the woman he vowed to love, honor, and cherish.

 

He's ignoring her feelings and doing it anyway.

 

THAT speaks volumes to me.

 

A debate about topless movies and how many young women like to wear as few clothes as possible is not the point. The point is he knows his actions are a source of unhappiness and stress for his spouse, and he just doesn't care.

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