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Limping toward Divorce


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My husband and I were friends in college, but never dated. I never felt an attraction, although he says for him it was love at first sight. We got along wonderfully and became best friends. After graduation, we became roommates. Occasionally, we shared "benefits", but again it wasn't a priority for me. It also wasn't great. Kissing, cuddling, intercourse...not so good. The kissing was the worst, but it meant so much to him, I would do my best to make him feel loved and secure. Often months would pass without sexual intimacy. I never stepped outside the relationship out of loyalty and consideration. I just buried that part of me. I thought we were a good team. I assumed it was something wrong with me. I read books, saw a therapist, talked to friends and family. I just kept trying to push through.

 

Fast forward five years and we got married. Great, right? I married my best friend! Wrong. I never felt passionate love. I never felt jealous. I never felt much beyond a pleasant friendliness and a sense of loyalty. His friends were amazed. He had the greatest wife. I never told him what to do. I was understanding and supportive. I encouraged him to pursue his hobbies, enjoy his friends. I supported his work. I got along great with his family. I had a great job and was financially independent. We seemed awesome. I was generally unhappy. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt lonely and unsettled. I thought it was due to long hours at work. I switched careers. Still great pay, but less hours. What a blessing. The feelings persisted. I talked to my husband. I saw another therapist. It just hung there.

 

After five years of marriage, the impossible happened, we had a baby. I say impossible because we were told it would never happen. So, here we are with this bundle of love and it hit me. I adore this baby. I fell in love, for the first time. This little person opened my heart and I was overwhelmed with love. This is when things got difficult in our marriage.

 

I took paid maternity leave for six months. I changed my work schedule so I could work from home. I did Mommy and Me classes, started a neighborhood parents group, got involved in community activities. My husband wanted no part of it. He wanted no part of the baby. It was me and this tiny person on our own. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't feel the same. He began to withdraw and spend more time away. I was still working, still reading books, seeing movies, keeping up with friends. Only now, I was doing it alone. My husband became a ghost. I became a single mother. It was awful.

 

Two years later, we got pregnant again. It was a miracle, truly. We had sex one time and got pregnant. Literally, one time! So, now I have a toddler and an infant. I'm still working. He's less and less present. We are more distant, but still pleasant. I try talking to him and it falls on deaf ears. I bring it up again, nothing. Slowly, resentment creeps in. I am tired, lonely and raising two kids on my own. I'm driving them to/from daycare. I'm handling every pediatrician/dentist appointment. I go alone to the birthday parties, play dates, school events. People tease me that I made up my husband, because he is never around. Now, I'm hurt and angry. I'm still talking to him. He still isn't hearing me. I go back to therapy. Is it something wrong with me?

 

Ou children are now 7 and 5. We have a great life looking in from the outside. A beautiful house, nice material crap...cars, stuff, etc. our children are beautiful, smart, talented. We have good jobs and earn great money. I have been in therapy consistently trying to fix me, because I thought I must have done something wrong. And I did. I married someone I didn't love to make him happy. I married my best friend and we let each other down. He abandoned me emotionally. I was never there in the first place. In the end, it is our children who will suffer.

 

I filed for divorce after 13 years of marriage, 18 years of being together as a couple and 23 years of being best friends. He woke up after getting served and suddenly wants to "work it out", but I just want out. I want out with such total desperation that my hands shake. I've lost 25 pounds that I didn't need to lose. I have internalized the stress so completely that it triggered a cancer scare, a hysterectomy, hypothyroidism and autoimmune problems. I am young, capable and unlike many other future divorcees, I don't hate my husband.

 

I truly believe that the kindest, most respectful, loving thing to do is to end our marriage. I spent years trying to "fix" me, trying to talk to him, trying to get him to engage with our children or me. He was my best friend, but he's not anymore. I've become a caretaker and a foundation of support, but I'd like that in return. I've worked hard on this marriage, but when you don't have the right equipment...

 

So, before it gets uglier or I get sicker, I'm opting out. I wish him love and happiness, joy and fulfillment. I wish the same for me. Most of all, I want our children to feel safe, loved and cared for by a father who wants to be there and a mother who isn't so beaten down and exhausted from trying to make everyone happy, but herself.

 

God forgive me. I tried so hard.

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Why do you think your husband dropped out of the marriage emotionally? It seems he was present before you had children, and then inexplicably he emotionally abandoned both you and your children.

 

Sorry about your situation. It sounds like you are clear about your decision, but if you are looking for validation on this board, I'd suggest before bowing out you find out what happened on your husband's end. Just so you leave clearly understanding both your positions, if possible.

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I spent years talking with and to him. I couldn't get an honest answer. He finally agreed to go to individual therapy after I finally resorted to filing for dissolution. For years I begged for counseling, talking with family or coming with me to my therapy. He was adamantly opposed. He felt that since I wasn't happy, it was my problem to resolve. Unfortunately, it takes two people to keep a marriage together.

 

Since he began therapy, it seems his "absence" is partially rooted in fear, as most things are. He said he feels he can't connect or fully engage with me or the kids. Being present is very difficult for him in general. It is difficult for him to understand how this has affected all of us. He often said he felt he was imprisoned and that our children came between us. He has lashed out at me out of fear and I can't get a true sense of what lies deeper.

 

We finally were able to go to counseling. Unfortunately, the dynamic of the session was a mirror of our normal communication. Him silent, me waiting for input, then finally talking without any dialogue. It has been a good five years of me trying to figure out how to untie this knot. I honestly don't know more than that. Unfortunately, the emotional drain has sapped me of hope. I've prayed, talked with him until the tears ran out and my voice was strained. I've listened on the rare times he has opened up. I've tried emails, hoping it would be an easier way for him to express himself.

 

In the end, we seem to fundamentally be at odds. It's devastating.

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Oh, I am so sorry. I can just imagine your suffering. It sounds like you've done all you can...and it also sounds like, for marrying someone you "didn't really love," you showed him--and your marriage--a great deal of genuine love and care.

 

So what are your next steps for you and your children? Have you already filed for divorce?

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peaksandvalleys

Leave now. I am you. 30 years later and I find out he is/has cheated. I begged. Asked what's wrong? What can I do? I started to check out. Considered cheating myself. Now I am filing after I bust him. One of us should have just left.

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I filed. It broke my heart. I spent another two months trying to reconcile. My anxiety intensified to such a state that I just cry all the time. Now, he's trying. I find now that my heart is broken. I stayed and pushed myself and now I feel sad and empty. I gave my all. Maybe it is my fault. I don't know. I don't want to divorce. I also don't want to continue living in despair. It's a slow process and it's painful every day. I just can't get him to understand that he showed up too late with too little. It's the worst time of my life. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Thank you all for being so kind.

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cozycottagelg
I filed. It broke my heart. I spent another two months trying to reconcile. My anxiety intensified to such a state that I just cry all the time. Now, he's trying. I find now that my heart is broken. I stayed and pushed myself and now I feel sad and empty. I gave my all. Maybe it is my fault. I don't know. I don't want to divorce. I also don't want to continue living in despair. It's a slow process and it's painful every day. I just can't get him to understand that he showed up too late with too little. It's the worst time of my life. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Thank you all for being so kind.

 

I feel so deeply for you. I am in such a similar situation. It took me saying I wanted to leave for him to make a single change. It is just too late. I'm so proud of you for filing. It's hard now but it will get better. I wish I had your courage! I truly do!

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