Inphamy Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 All, Last night I had some of the best open conversation, and most controversial sex to date, with my wife of 2 years. We have had some difficulties in the last 3 years with intimacy - I am not emotionally attached to sex, where as she is. I also have some different "likes" or fantasies that we have never discussed, largely because she harbors some emotional issues about her self-image - she can be very self-conscious and worries that I will just leave her. The latter of all that couldn't be farther from the truth; I love my wife very much and it frustrates me that we cannot perform well together when we do have sex, even for as little as we do. Anyway, last evening, we were up very early in the morning having what she called "sleepover talk", discussing our fantasies that we never had before - it was tremendously refreshing, and arousing for me because I felt as if I had a more open forum. It turned her on too, particularly as we discussed the idea of a threesome, involving another female - she indicated that she had fantasized about this with me. We ended up having sex, and in the heat of thing, I told her that I wanted to have sex with her while she was pleasuring another woman, and vice-versa. We also were playing out her watching me have sex with another, and her controlling what we did/did not do. This worked out wonderfully until, just to visualize thing, I asked her to throw out a name for ther person I was having intercourse with. In hind-sight, it probably wasn't the best idea to ask, but if I am going to fantasize and be vocal in the activity, I can't just callout "whatever your name is", and be aroused. Unfortunately, the name she threw out was her bestfriends name, which immediately caused problems for me because my wife has always been tenative while I am around her best friend - she thinks that I would drop her, for the best friend if I had a choice. But, to carrout the fantasy, I went on having sex with my wife using her friends name. I had a terrible time climaxing, I couldn't get my wife out of my head, and in fact, my climax was made only stronger by watching her and dropping the fantasy to realize sex with my wife. My instinct now is, that a fantasy-is-a-fantasy, and it isn't always meant to be carried out. My wife on the other hand now is barely speaking to me, says that she will not be having sex for a while, doesn't want to interact with me and will not invite her friend over. I love my wife more than anything, and I certainly don't want this to be an ongoing problem - what the heck do I do? Do I let her work out the emotional baggage, pursue counseling? I just don't know - I want her to know that while I fantasize, I do not want to live my life, have sex or anything else that would be with anyone but her. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
JustSoRight Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 I think she was doing a typical test thing that women will do. When you went ahead with using the best friends name, she thinks it only reaffirmed her belief that you find her best friend more desirable than her. I know this is not the case. Maybe you should explain the way it didn't turn you on and that you weren't able to climax until you stopped the fantasy. She needs to remember though that this was a fantasy and she shouldn't have called out a name to use that is a name of someone you both knew. I would lay off fantasies for now though until she is more self confident. In my opinion she does need counseling though if she is that insecure about herself and the marriage. Sounds like she has some abandoment issues. Hang in there and try to reassure her and have another open disscussion about the two of you, not fantasies. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Hopefully it's just a phase. I don't believe in involving another person, male or female into our marriage. It would destroy all trust and there will always be the supressed thought that he or she enjoyed the third party more than he or she enjoyed me.......My wife has wanted to have a threesome with her Sister-in-law and they even decided to go ahead and do it, until I told them both forget it...I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I told my wife if I ever found out she had a threesome behind my back, as much as I love her, she would be out on her own until I felt over it. ( This would take several years, I mean I don't think I'd ever get over it ). But, now it's been several months and she hasn't mentioned it at all.....I think it was just a phase. It sounds like you two aren't having huge problems in the bedroom to the point you're entertaining the idea of involving someone else, so don't...... Good Luck!!! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
sexyme562 Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 Im kinda in the same situation. Me and my husband have always talked about having a 3some. We also both agreed that it would be a me with him and another guy. Well, we have this couple who are our friends. Not till recently have we been talking about maybe living out our fantasies. Well now shes pregnant, so that throws everything out the door for at least a couple of years. But the husband wants to still have the 3some.The only bad thing is he wants to keep it hidden and we are so against it. hes also confided in me that hes had this huge fantasy about being with me. (For the record I tell my husband everything). I love my husband to death, but the more mw and him talk about the 3some thing, the more I want. It was always in the works for the 4 of us to hook up, but now the husband doesnt want the 4 of us, he wants me. I know its wrong and I do admit its a huge turn on for me as well as my husband , because when were F@@king he talks to me and saying things to me and the sex is way more intense. But its only then that he goes with it. I dont know what to do. I love my friends, but the thought of it is a turn on and the more it gets taled about, Im afraid that it just might happen. Im not a bad person, but I dont know. The more we talk (me and my husband) the more I think he just might give in. We had set rules to this senario just in case it did happen, but now this throws everything off? Any advice out there? Link to post Share on other sites
Verymuchinlove Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 sexyme: I don't think the 3some is healthy for a relationship. You get turned on yes, but there will be an emotional price that deep down you know will eventually play itself out. Fantasize, but I wouldn't recommend it. You already see some warning signs and nothing has happened yet. The other guy is willing to 'cheat' in a sense on his wife. If you really love your husband, find a way to get some in other ways. my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 A very close friend of mine shared this story with me about her experience with a threesome with her now ex-husband. She said that she and her ex were extremely compatible and that his ultimate fantasy was a threesome with her and another woman. She was a little curious and decided to surprise him with fulfilling his fantasy at their 5 year wedding anniversary. She met and befriended the woman and set up an night of big fun. She said she was very nervous but was excited as well. She had a few cocktails to relieve herself of the case of the nerves and when he arrived she and the woman began putting on a show for her husband - then they included him and it led to intercourse. After the experience the woman left and she laid in the bed crying - she didn't know it was going to affect her like it did. He was excited and pleased and just praised her for the performance and the surprise. A few months later he said that he wanted to do it again and she said that the idea behind a fantasy was to give him the once in a lifetime experience not make it a regular thing - he was disappointed but continued to bring up how exciting it was - and often would bring it up during sex where they were "talking dirty" to one another. She said she ended up doing it again thinking he would shut up about it but it just got worse. She said looking back she would have just left a fantasy a fantasy because when you engage in experimentation you have to understand that the bar has now been raised and sexually the person isn't going to be 100% satisfied with 1/2 a pie when they've had the whole thing. Ultimately her reluctance in participating in threesomes caused a problem in her marriage which ultimately led him to seek sexual excitement outside of the marriage. Once they divorced he realized what his wife gave him was a rare gift and look into the fantasy world and regrets the pressure he placed on her, but she refuses to reconcile because she feels that his insistence on the threesome sex made her feel inadequate and ultimately less sexy and prior to that experience she had been the best he had ever had. She says she'll never do it again - she'll talk about it but never invite another woman to share sex with her and her husband, boyfriend or significant other. She says threesomes equal disaster. Just be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
sexyme562 Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Thank You for the advice that you send. I talk to my husband all the time and its no pressure at all from him. I guess its the whole fantasy thing that starts and then I start to OK some of it and then I feel pressure. I know its not hard core pressure like others stories that I had heard but its still pressure. I will definatly take this advice into consideration. Thank You very much, Sexyme562 Link to post Share on other sites
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