Unhappy in my marriage.

[HannahRose]

Hello,everyone. I am a married (for almost nine years), SAHM to four kids. I have been married before (to an abusive cheater) and I do not believe it is okay to divorce unless someone has been unfaithful. I would like to save this marriage, but we are both unhappy.

 

We love each other, but we just do not get along. We are almost complete opposites. I like to go out and I am very social. My husband is pretty much anti-social and likes to stay at home. If we do go out, he is moody until we come home. Then he is moody at home because he likes to play video games without interruptions. If he were to post, he would say I am moody. I would then say it's because he is moody and so on and so forth.

 

My issues are that he has a bad temper, and he calls names when he gets mad and it really hurts my feelings. I feel like he is always angry. He says it's because he is tired from working and stressed out from the long commute. He is getting a new job closer to home, so that should help, but before this job he worked really close to home and was still moody. So, I feel like it's an excuse.

 

He yells a lot. We fight over everything. He says he shouldn't have to come home and hold the baby while I get a break. He wants to know when his break is. If he decides it's time for a break, he takes it and it's too bad for me. If I decide it's time for me to have a break, it's too bad for me. He says I'm lazy and tries to play the bad mom card at me. Our kids were homeschooled for six years. I am not lazy. I just need some time for myself sometimes. I love my children very much and he knows what an insult it is to me for him to suggest that I am a bad mom.

 

His solution is that he should keep a log of how much time he watches the kids compared to how much time I do. I think he's crazy for suggesting such a thing. I don't like fighting over innocent children.

 

As far as our sex life, it honestly sucks. I hate it. We are always rushed, so he just shoves it in (I'm so sorry to be that blunt, but I don't know how else to describe it). No foreplay (which I like). He is very rough. I like to be touched softly at first. If he does kiss me, it is also very rough. He just shoves his tongue in without working up to it. He doesn't understand what I mean when I try tell him to do it differently... just says I hate his kissing and gives up. We rarely have sex. We don't sleep in the same bed, or even the same room.

 

That started when he got overweight and started snoring. I couldn't sleep because it was so loud. So he started sleeping on the couch. It's been years. I feel like he is lazy in that sense because if he would just lose the weight, he would stop snoring. He did lose some weight, once, and he did stop snoring. Then, he gained the weight back.

 

My husband is extremely attractive when he is thin. I still love him while he is very overweight, but I would like to see him thin again. If I mention this, he gets upset and says I don't love him. Sometimes, he'll say mean things like he'll just leave me when he gets thin, then. I also say mean things to him when I am angry, but I feel like it's after he has said something mean to me.

 

The other day, I laid on top of him and kissed him. I wasn't even really trying to have sex, just being playful. He told me to get off of him. I was offended, wondering why he would act like that. He said I should stop trying to be dominant and aggressive... like the man. He has issues with being controlled and doesn't like being told what to do. Later, he said it was because he couldn't breathe because I was on his stomach. Well, when it's the other way around what does he thinks happens? He's the one with the weight problem. When we do have sex, it's because he initiated it. He likes to be the aggressor. If I initiate it, he doesn't want to or it's really horrible if we do. I've learned to never approach him for sex.

 

His issue with me is that he has to cook when he gets home from work. I hate touching raw meat. It grosses me out. So he does it. He'd honestly rather do it than watch the kids, anyway, and if he did watch the kids while I cooked, he would count that as my break. He doesn't get that it's not a break when I am taking a shower or doing household chores. In my defense about the cooking, I do all the "man chores" unless I am pregnant because he isn't very handy. I used to mow the lawn, paint the house, fix stuff, etc. I don't mind doing that stuff. He is getting better at fixing things in the house, or hiring someone else to do it.

 

Anyway, I know that is a lot. What do you suggest? We have tried marriage counseling, which made things worse because he didn't want to go AT ALL. I hate that we don't spend much time together. We don't have a babysitter. We can't go out alone. We could spend time together at night, but he wants to play video games. Sometimes, I'm the one who would rather do other things. Our marriage is suffering though, and sometimes I feel like I hate him.

Edited August 9, 2013 by HannahRose

[HannahRose]

Are we that hopeless? 112 views and no suggestions?

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Personally, I think he is just not into you, very entitlement-minded, lazy and an ******* to boot.

 

IMHO, you would be better off without such a jerk around. I mean, he is SOOOOOO bothered by being a father and husband, fine. Let him go.

[HannahRose]

Personally, I think he is just not into you, very entitlement-minded, lazy and an ******* to boot.

 

IMHO, you would be better off without such a jerk around. I mean, he is SOOOOOO bothered by being a father and husband, fine. Let him go.

 

Thank you for the response. Sometimes, I wonder if that is true. But then he gets in his moods where he pursues me like crazy and I have to beat him off with a stick. That's what I don't get. He has to be the one in pursuit. It's kinda sick!

 

I told him I posted this and he said the story is one-sided so any advice I get is stupid. He says I'm full of crap, and is now going off in his defense calling me gross and evil, and says I am spewing lies. These are the kind of verbal attacks I'm talking about. He is now even talking crap about you!

 

He says he wants to work on the marriage, but he really doesn't, IMO.

Edited August 10, 2013 by HannahRose

[TigerCub]

Was he not antisocial, moody, quick tempered, aggressive and bad in bed before you married him and had 4 kids with him?

 

I'm not trying to sound like a smart ass - but most of the things you mentioned sound like personality traits and flaws that most likely already existed.

 

I would have suggested that you guys seek therapy - but from what you say, he doesn't want to and therefore that attempt failed.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position, but it just seems like you picked the wrong guy.

[Tole]

I actually used to be somewhat similar to your husband, and I was able to grow out of it eventually.

 

I'm not sure I'm seeing a similarity due to my preferred way of perceiving yours and your husband's situation.

 

Also of course I'm not certain, but I'd like to say any prolonged conflict such as this will develop one sided views eventually. No nation benefits from prolonged warfare except of those that have learned to profit from evil - Sun Tzu. Let's hope neither of you do this out of evil

 

Firstly I feel like there's not enough information of what has founded this situation.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is what games does your husband play?

 

Are the kids from the previous marriage?

 

What type of work does your husband do (I hope you don't mind I ask this)

 

How exactly do you react to meat? (ex: whine, look of disgust) When it grosses you out.

 

 

My questions might seem irrelevant, but if problems such as this are produced from relevant things we wouldn't get so lost and confused right?

 

Best Regards

[HannahRose]

Was he not antisocial, moody, quick tempered, aggressive and bad in bed before you married him and had 4 kids with him?

 

I'm not trying to sound like a smart ass - but most of the things you mentioned sound like personality traits and flaws that most likely already existed.

 

I would have suggested that you guys seek therapy - but from what you say, he doesn't want to and therefore that attempt failed.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position, but it just seems like you picked the wrong guy.

 

Yes, some of the behavior was present before we married and had kids. I guess that's what I get and I'm stuck.

 

The quick tempered part, not so much. He was very calm and reliable. It was a huge turn on because he behaved like a strong man. I feel like he has regressed over the years.

 

I actually used to be somewhat similar to your husband, and I was able to grow out of it eventually.

 

I'm not sure I'm seeing a similarity due to my preferred way of perceiving yours and your husband's situation.

 

Also of course I'm not certain, but I'd like to say any prolonged conflict such as this will develop one sided views eventually. No nation benefits from prolonged warfare except of those that have learned to profit from evil - Sun Tzu. Let's hope neither of you do this out of evil

 

Firstly I feel like there's not enough information of what has founded this situation.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is what games does your husband play?

 

Are the kids from the previous marriage?

 

What type of work does your husband do (I hope you don't mind I ask this)

 

How exactly do you react to meat? (ex: whine, look of disgust) When it grosses you out.

 

 

My questions might seem irrelevant, but if problems such as this are produced from relevant things we wouldn't get so lost and confused right?

 

Best Regards

 

He plays video games on the XBox and computer (some Star Wars game).

 

One of the kids is from my previous marriage.

 

I hate to touch meat because I think I will splash the juices on my clothes and get salmonella. LOL. I just say I don't like to touch it. If I do, sometimes I want to take a shower.

 

He works at a bank.

 

Does that help?

[Eggplant]

His solution is that he should keep a log of how much time he watches the kids compared to how much time I do. I think he's crazy for suggesting such a thing. I don't like fighting over innocent children.

The log is worth a shot. It sounds as though you need a break. You are working every minute of every day. Log everything you do from the time you get up to the time you go to sleep (and what you do at night for the baby) for about a week. Then you can present your case. Don't demand a break but rather make him feel as though he would be a hero, much appreciated, if he would watch the kids for some amount of time on some day(s) so that you could do something to relax.

 

Also, why not hire a baby sitter once in a while?

[HannahRose]

The log is worth a shot. It sounds as though you need a break. You are working every minute of every day. Log everything you do from the time you get up to the time you go to sleep (and what you do at night for the baby) for about a week. Then you can present your case. Don't demand a break but rather make him feel as though he would be a hero, much appreciated, if he would watch the kids for some amount of time on some day(s) so that you could do something to relax.

 

Also, why not hire a baby sitter once in a while?

 

I guess I can try it. I wake up through the night to feed the baby, who won't sleep alone, which is fine with me, but I am tired. I am responsible for all feelings. Even when He is home, he won't feed him his baby food.

 

What do you think about the sexual issues? How bad is it?

[syz]

The other day, I laid on top of him and kissed him. I wasn't even really trying to have sex, just being playful. He told me to get off of him. I was offended, wondering why he would act like that. He said I should stop trying to be dominant and aggressive... like the man.

 

This man is a boy. No fully emotionally equipped man who is comfortable with himself or his sexuality would behave this way.

 

It may be that was an excuse to avoid intimacy but its a pathetic one designed to subjugate and humiliate you instead of taking responsibility for his desire or lack of it. Even if you were making a pass at him and taking charge of directing the sexual connection can his masculinity not withstand it? Because if that's the case that is some pretty frail masculinity. It has nothing to do with being a man. I know plenty of dominant top women who are exciting and sexy. Knowing what you want and deciding to go after it is sexy. I'd be bored out of my mind if I always had to be the initiator, top, dom.

 

He is an insensitive lover at a minimum. Have you talked with him about it? I mean he isn't going to like it but ultimately he knows he is offering up crappy sex and dismissing your desires as if nothing he does pleases you. I mean does he give a damn about your orgasm at all? Why on earth would you desire that? And if he is the kind of guy who is believes that a man who is in touch with his sensuality and knowing a woman's body well is somehow 'less of a man' I'd suggest he is misogynistic and steeped in issues.

 

I would think therapy is a minimum requirement for staying in the marriage. I would also look at some options for yourself like what going back into the work force would mean and line your ducks up so that you can make a decision based on choice and not fear.

Edited August 10, 2013 by syz

[HannahRose]

This man is a boy. No fully emotionally equipped man who is comfortable with himself or his sexuality would behave this way.

 

It may be that was an excuse to avoid intimacy but its a pathetic one designed to subjugate and humiliate you instead of taking responsibility for his desire or lack of it. Even if you were making a pass at him and taking charge of directing the sexual connection can his masculinity not withstand it? Because if that's the case that is some pretty frail masculinity. It has nothing to do with being a man. I know plenty of dominant top women who are exciting and sexy. Knowing what you want and deciding to go after it is sexy. I'd be bored out of my mind if I always had to be the initiator, top, dom.

 

He is an insensitive lover at a minimum. Have you talked with him about it? I mean he isn't going to like it but ultimately he knows he is offering up crappy sex and dismissing your desires as if nothing he does pleases you. I mean does he give a damn about your orgasm at all? Why on earth would you desire that? And if he is the kind of guy who is believes that a man who is in touch with his sensuality and knowing a woman's body well is somehow 'less of a man' I'd suggest he is misogynistic and steeped in issues.

 

I would think therapy is a minimum requirement for staying in the marriage. I would also look at some options for yourself like what going back into the work force would mean and line your ducks up so that you can make a decision based on choice and not fear.

 

Thank your for the reply. Honestly, I think you've got it. He has issues with intimacy. Whenever things are going perfectly fine, it's like he's got to start something so we aren't close like we could be. I don't understand why he would do this. Any ideas?

 

We just talked about the "on top issue" and he keeps insisting that it was because I was on his stomach and he couldn't breathe. Then, he said I just can't handle rejection and I have low self-esteem. I don't understand why he has to insult me. He says he wasn't even rejecting me (he couldn't breathe), but he says it's what I think and that's why I'm mad. Then he adds, "You got REJECTED!" to be an jerk. He likes to think I'm all over him and wanting him.

 

He does offer up crappy sex because he doesn't care about what I like. I mean when we are having sex, I like it, but there are things that could make it better for me (like foreplay, etc.). I don't really have orgasms with him. He knows this. We lack intimacy during sex. It's just f-ing. Nothing more.

Edited August 10, 2013 by HannahRose

[uncool]

I do not believe it is okay to divorce unless someone has been unfaithful.

 

I absolutely disagree with this statement.

 

Unfaithfulness is a reason but not the only reason. I believe he's being "emotionally" unfaithful. That's not part of the deal. I'm in the same boat right now (I'm the husband with flat-lining wife)

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to be happy if you're doing everything you can to be a good wife. There's a good man out there who wants to find an awesome wife like you.

 

I've recently decided that I'm going to have an awesome marriage for the rest of my life and that my spouse will respect me, be intimate with me, and love me, let me protect her and let me provide for her. I'm hoping this person is going to be my current spouse! If not.. .then i'm going to invite her to leave so that a more deserving spouse can take her place.

.... try this attitude on for size and let me know what you think.

[syz]

Thank your for the reply. Honestly, I think you've got it. He has issues with intimacy. Whenever things are going perfectly fine, it's like he's got to start something so we aren't close like we could be. I don't understand why he would do this. Any ideas?

 

Because he has problems with intimacy. You answered your own question. It is a standard tactic of abusive people and others with control issues. They stir it up when things are calm and good. You'll never get an explanation out of them.. they will deflect and turn it all on you. Unless you get really confrontational and get in his face and say "huh we are doing well why are you doing this?" excuse/deflect. "no why are you doing this?" excuse/deflect.. probably get verbal attack or worse. and then clobber him with the "You do this because its what you do. You make problems where there are none so you can feel in control and not too close". He'll make you doubt your sanity he'll make you feel like you don't have a relationship to reality.. ONLY HE HAS THAT. This is controlling abusive behavior. And I suspect his moodiness is about that as well.

 

We just talked about the "on top issue" and he keeps insisting that it was because I was on his stomach and he couldn't breathe. Then, he said I just can't handle rejection and I have low self-esteem. I don't understand why he has to insult me. He says he wasn't even rejecting me (he couldn't breathe), but he says it's what I think and that's why I'm mad. Then he adds, "You got REJECTED!" to be an jerk. He likes to think I'm all over him and wanting him.

 

Ha he wishes this were true. It isn't even what he said.. he didn't say Hey I'm having a had time breathing.. he just insulted you and tried to humiliate you instead? That explanation is such patented bull**** I'm surprised you didn't laugh in his face. I can't believe he tried to deny he even said it. Boy he really expects you to believe his irrational rationalism as if your relationship to reality is defined through him. Anyway so he didn't address anything he just cut you down again?

 

I would take a look at "Why Does He Do That: Inside the minds of angry controlling men." and keep the book out of site until you figure out what you'd like to do. Sadly therapy with these people is usually a waste of time.

 

He does offer up crappy sex because he doesn't care about what I like. I mean when we are having sex, I like it, but there are things that could make it better for me (like foreplay, etc.). I don't really have orgasms with him. He knows this. We lack intimacy during sex. It's just f-ing. Nothing more.

 

Yeah it would be unacceptable for my partner not to be having orgasms with me. I mean she can have them alone too and I don't expect every time with me to be a hit but this is just unacceptable.

[uncool]

HANNAHROSE,

Your husband is an absolute dick. I wish I had a wife like you!

[HannahRose]

Second marriage, nine years, 4 kids, is a huge investment.

 

Agreed.

 

 

Most couples with this kind of strife have problems communicating with each other. That aspect probably needs a lot of work.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

You knew his personality when you got married so this isn't anything new.

 

 

True.

 

That's great but the reality is with raising four kids and he has to work all day realistically how much going out is even possible?

 

On his days off (or just one of them), I would like to do stuff as a family.

 

 

Obviously when you do go out together it should be activities that you both enjoy. What did the two of you do together when you were dating?

 

 

We stayed at his place and talked. He played video games. Got food.

 

 

Neither of you are taking responsibility for your feelings and the behaviors generated by these feelings. He needs to make an effort not to be moody when you go out together; you both need to make an effort to find mutually enjoyable activities.

 

The video game play may be excessive. It's easy to get addicted to electronics--video games, farmville, facebook, texting. T.V.

 

 

I will do what he wants to do. He just doesn't want to do anything. The video game playing has been extreme at points. He also says my internet usage is to the extreme. He has a point there. I don't get out at all, I have very few friends because I am always at home with four kids. I need adult interaction. I use the internet (i.e. facebook for that).

 

 

Like I said--he has a poor communication style. If he's being insulting and hurtful to you you're not going to be very receptive to that.

 

Definitely not receptive to that. Very poor communication style and doesn't "get it" when I tell him stuff, even if repeatedly.

 

 

That actually sounds like a legitimate explanation.

 

Agree.

 

 

Part of the problem is while he may not be expressing himself correctly, you in turn are not giving him any credit for at least in part having a justification for the way he is feeling. That is an unsatisfactory job/commute situation. That's not just an "excuse."

 

 

I would say it wasn't an excuse, if when he worked very close to home, he was not the exact same way. He is this way commute or no commute.

 

 

"He" yells but "we" fight. "We" means you both are displaying inadequate communications and conflict resolution skills.

 

Yes, but I feel like he is very excessive and he hurls insults at me constantly and will not stop calling me bad words. I hold it all in and when I can't take anymore, I explode.

 

From his perspective, he just got home from a job he doesn't like and a hellish commute. He wants to relax and decompress. You didn't answer the question: When is his break?

 

His break is when he plays his video games and when he watches tv.

 

 

Poor you. Do you see what you are doing here? You are portraying this as all one-sided and all your husband's fault. That can't possibly be fair.

 

Sure. I know it's not all his fault. I have anxiety issues that are difficult to deal with, but I believe it stems from the verbal abuse, as it seems to get worse then.

 

 

Did he actually tell you you are a bad mom?

 

Yes. Repeatedly.

 

 

Now let me tell you why what you just said is unfair. Your fight over this must have involved some accusations about who was or was not pulling the weight with taking care of the kids. You reached an impasse and your husband called you out on your accusations by offering to actually log the time. That's a rational approach to a valid scheduling issue--you can't properly schedule until you know who is doing what, and when.

 

Instead of accepting that as a rational/objective response to a legitimate scheduling issue re: watching the kids, you attacked him and his motives (he is "crazy"), making him the villain, for even "suggesting such a thing," then implied he is using the "innocent children" as pawns. (And by inference you are sane and rational not "crazy" and you are NOT using the children as pawns.)

 

See, he actually proposed a possible way forward to finding a solution to the scheduling issue for your child care, you didn't accept it, you knocked it down, you insulted and demeaned him and his motives. You're in the wrong here and it makes me think your entire story is somewhat biased.

 

It's NOT "crazy" to want to develop a schedule, if scheduling of chores or childcare is the issue. It's rational.

 

I just started the log this morning, but it to me it seems very rude to our children, like they are an inconvenience and we are logging who has to take care of them. Very disgusting and seems hurtful for them, but I digress.

 

These things so frequently boil down to the sex life. When the sex is good we can tolerate a lot of inconvenience in other areas.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I am confident that you have poor communications skills. You say he doesn't understand what you mean. What does "do it differently" even mean? You're just telling him you don't like his kissing, but you're not telling him what you do like. It sounds like you're putting all the burden for establishing foreplay on his shoulders.

 

I've explained in detail what I like. I just didn't think you needed all that info. I've showed him.

 

Also how could you be having bad sex for nine years and four children and you never dealt with it before? Yet blame the lack of dealing with it all on him? How is this not 50-50 equally on you? Whose decision was it to sleep in separate beds and separate rooms (never a good development in any marriage)?

 

The sex hasn't been bad the entire time. I shouldn't have said that. We used to have regular, decent sex. Still not much foreplay, but he's good at the actual act, so that made up for it.

 

I kept waking him up when the snoring got overwhelming and I was up for hours. He would get mad and tell me to shut up and go to sleep, but I couldn't go to sleep, so he would leave the room. Then he stopped even falling asleep in there, and just stayed on the couch.

 

Tell him you are unattracted to him because he is obese and buy him a gym membership and insist that instead of coming home after work to take care of the children his "break" will be to go to the gym after work for a work out.

 

I've tried to say it as nicely as I can, but he gets upset. We have exercise equipment here, and we can't afford the gym (too many other things to pay for), but I encourage him to work out and he tells me not to tell him what to do.

 

He got fat and lazy and you lost both sexual attraction and respect for him. It's very simple. Has nothing whatsoever to do with him not taking care of your children. He's also lazy and plays video games too much.

 

That sounds very harsh. I am still attracted to him. I still love him. Agree with the rest.

I can understand why he's moody all the time if he's too obese, doesn't like his job, and your sex life is bad/nonexistent, and the two of you are quarreling all the time. I'd be pretty grouchy too.

 

Okay, you are making sense.

 

 

 

See he is evading reality by saying this and trying to guilt you so he doesn't have to deal with his weight issue. On the other hand no doubt your level of love for him now is much less than it was when he was thin healthy and sexy.

 

His is evading reality because he is too lazy to work out and diet properly. I don't agree I love him less. I was just more attracted when he was thin.

 

You need to be honest and say "Honey I think you have really let yourself go, it's unhealthy and just very unattractive to me. You need to get back into shape."

 

He's not interested enough to exercise.

 

 

Gee that's showing a lot of maturity by both of you. Saying mean things to each other = two little children quarreling, not two adults with four kids between them. You can't control him being mean, but you should be able to control you saying mean things to him.

 

Agree.

 

Note, saying he is obese, you don't find it attractive, and he needs to lose weight isn't mean or nasty. It's reality. There's a difference.

 

I've tried to say this as kindly as possible, and he'll start a diet and go off of it in a few days. He won't exercise.

 

Excuse me but is your reaction to ANYTHING your husband says or does to get offended at him or assume he has a bad motivation? Is he your all purpose villain in your life?

 

This is where I am on the hot seat. I admit I am very untrusting. I grew up witnessing a horrible marriage (my parents) and got into a horrible one at a young age. I was horribly mistreated and finally had enough and left. I came into this marriage suspicious of my husband. He didn't deserve that, and I know it. He used to be very kind to me, but it just went downhill, probably from all the stress in our lives (terrible custody battle with ex-husband).

 

Maybe the way you were on top of him was uncomfortable.

 

 

Maybe, but why did he say all the other stuff about not wanting me to be dominate and aggressive instead of just readjusting me?

 

 

So stop telling him what to do.

 

That's so hypocritical of me. He tells me what to do and I better shut up.

 

 

 

Yes as I thought. Do you notice how you didn't ask him why he felt uncomfortable and he didn't tell you why when it happened?

 

I did ask him and got the bs I just said. I don't even know which is the real reason at this point.

 

That's because you two don't know how to communicate with each other. It's all emotion and fighting. You're both at at fault for this.

 

Agree.

 

Who knows? You have to actually tell him.

 

 

 

 

 

Please be real. That's not how couples have sex. It's never all one or all the other. For him to initiate with you he must be getting signals from you that you are receptive to it. Also if this has been the pattern in your relationship why do you want to change it?

 

He initiates it when I'm not interested, so I don't completely agree, but some of the time it must be true. I want to change the fact that can't approach him. If he sees I'm interested, he'll say stuff about how I want him and am desperate for him. I don't get that.

 

What you're saying doesn't actually make sense. On the one hand he is sexually unattractive to you and bad at sex; on the other hand you are claiming you initiate with him and he rejects you. What is really going on here?

I never said he was sexually unattractive to me. He is attractive. I do want to have sex with him. I just can't initiate it. I don't know what is really going on here, and that is why I'm asking for help!

 

If I had to guess you are demonizing your husband so badly you are already in an emotional and perhaps even a physical affair and trying to justify it.

 

I am not having any type of affair. I am very faithful. I don't believe in justifying affairs. There is no justification.

 

So you have a phobia, or maybe you are just immature? Something "grosses you out" so you don't do it???

 

Yes, I have anxiety issues and phobias.

 

What if I said "gee these baby's poopy diapers gross me out, I refuse to change any"?

 

I'd be very annoyed.

This is giving a clearer picture than you might think. It sounds like you believe your idiosyncracies or preferences are sacred and everyone must accommodate them and are not willing to give others the same latitude.

He says what you just said, so I guess I'm going to have to think about that a lot. Thank you.

 

So in other words you never cook dinner for your husband/family if it involves preparing a dish with meat in it? And this has gone on for nine years?

I used to, but it really started when I was pregnant and on bed rest. He took over, I hate raw mean, it was just an easier arrangement. I cook sometimes.

 

I think any man would be moody and grouchy to be married to such a childish, spoiled, selfish woman. Unless both of you were vegetarians which doesn't seem to be the case and you could make the vegetarian meal yourself anyway.

 

Okay, my parents have each told me this.

 

 

 

So pretty much everything you said up to now was b.s. He gets home from a hard day's work and there is NEVER a hot meal waiting for him on the table (i.e. like a steak or something like that) because the princess doesn't want to touch raw meat. So he has to come home and cook dinner. So it's not like he's just taking a break when he comes home. He's cooking dinner. And you know you didn't say that you don't eat meat yourself, you just don't touch raw meat. So it sounds like he's cooking dinner for you and the kids as well as himself much of the time too.

 

Okay, really in the hot seat. Yes, this is true. Don't forget, though, that I mow the lawn (unless I'm pregnant) and do other typically man chores because he hates it.

Yeah I'd be PISSED and moody and grouchy at you if I were him. And oh yeah the bad sex is all his fault too. And when you jumped on his stomach that time that was his fault too.

 

Okay. I'll think about this. I appreciate your truthfulness.

 

Yeah you are definitely already having an affair or seriously thinking about it. NONE of what you are saying here is new stuff. It's all known issues that have been going on your entire marriage. You are just demonizing your husband which is a clear red flag of an affair.

 

You are wrong here. I am not having an affair, nor am I considering one. I am not interested in that. I am interested in saving our marriage.

 

Marriage counseling is worthless if you are going to use it just to blame him for all your marital problems which you would clearly do as you accept zero responsibility in your post. I don't blame him for not wanting to go.

 

 

I do blame him, yes. Will be thinking about this.

I call b.s. If you hate not spending time with him, then for gosh sake start sleeping in the same room/bed with him again.

 

 

He doesn't want to, I don't think. We argued about it last night and he finally said he will but if I wake him up telling him he's snoring, he'll punch me in the face. He won't do that, but he sure likes saying horrible things. He seems to enjoy it.

 

Please. There are no teenage girls who babysit in your neighborhood? No grandmas or neighbor church ladies looking to pick up a few extra dollars? No relatives or friends you could exchange baby sitting favors with?

One of our kids has health issues and we can't just leave said child with anyone.

 

When you say "we don't have a babysitter" "we can't go out alone" it's clear that you have no interest in finding solutions. You are just making excuses.

 

See above.

So get your own video game controller and you can play a dual game with him. My kid plays xbox all the time with other kids. Have you ever tried playing video games with him? Buy an extra controller for $30 or $40 and try it. Maybe if you meet him halfway or try to you can rebuild the rapport.

 

I will ask him if he would like me to play with him. I can give it a try, I suppose.

 

 

 

You need to cease contact with whatever man or men you are having the emotional or physical affair with which is clear cut since all of the red flags of completely demonizing your husband are present in your post.

 

I am not having an affair.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post. You have out my on the hot seat and given me some things to think about. I appreciate it.

[HannahRose]

I absolutely disagree with this statement.

 

Unfaithfulness is a reason but not the only reason. I believe he's being "emotionally" unfaithful. That's not part of the deal. I'm in the same boat right now (I'm the husband with flat-lining wife)

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to be happy if you're doing everything you can to be a good wife. There's a good man out there who wants to find an awesome wife like you.

 

I've recently decided that I'm going to have an awesome marriage for the rest of my life and that my spouse will respect me, be intimate with me, and love me, let me protect her and let me provide for her. I'm hoping this person is going to be my current spouse! If not.. .then i'm going to invite her to leave so that a more deserving spouse can take her place.

.... try this attitude on for size and let me know what you think.

 

 

I think you are correct in saying he is being emotionally unfaithful. He honestly talks to me like I'm worthless to him. I think some of you would be shocked to hear how he talks to me.

 

I also want an awesome marriage and this is why I have sought help on here. I don't know how else to get help. I will definitely try your attitude out.

 

I hope your wife realizes what she has and I hope you can get through to her.

[HannahRose]

Because he has problems with intimacy. You answered your own question. It is a standard tactic of abusive people and others with control issues. They stir it up when things are calm and good. You'll never get an explanation out of them.. they will deflect and turn it all on you. Unless you get really confrontational and get in his face and say "huh we are doing well why are you doing this?" excuse/deflect. "no why are you doing this?" excuse/deflect.. probably get verbal attack or worse. and then clobber him with the "You do this because its what you do. You make problems where there are none so you can feel in control and not too close". He'll make you doubt your sanity he'll make you feel like you don't have a relationship to reality.. ONLY HE HAS THAT. This is controlling abusive behavior. And I suspect his moodiness is about that as well.

 

 

 

Ha he wishes this were true. It isn't even what he said.. he didn't say Hey I'm having a had time breathing.. he just insulted you and tried to humiliate you instead? That explanation is such patented bull**** I'm surprised you didn't laugh in his face. I can't believe he tried to deny he even said it. Boy he really expects you to believe his irrational rationalism as if your relationship to reality is defined through him. Anyway so he didn't address anything he just cut you down again?

 

I would take a look at "Why Does He Do That: Inside the minds of angry controlling men." and keep the book out of site until you figure out what you'd like to do. Sadly therapy with these people is usually a waste of time.

 

 

 

Yeah it would be unacceptable for my partner not to be having orgasms with me. I mean she can have them alone too and I don't expect every time with me to be a hit but this is just unacceptable.

 

You've hit the nail on the head. He has very serious issues with intimacy, and I don't even think he knows why. He has social anxiety, though, so that might play a part in that. He always defers everything to me like it's my fault. I know that some of it is. I know just me telling my side of the story is one-sided. He's free to get on here and tell his side (he knows I'm on here posting), but he won't. I'm trying to be as accurate as possible and I will admit to what I do wrong.

 

I am glad you said this. He does make me doubt my sanity and he constantly calls me crazy or insane. He says I'm not normal. When I think about this, I hate him even more, because he is starting to make my kids question me.

 

I'm not too heavy for him. I'm very petite even after four kids. He's full of it on that one. He doesn't like me being the aggressor, and maybe that's fine, but he should be polite about it.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I keep defending him and taking the blame, then getting angry at all the stuff he does. I know it's both of us at fault, but I do believe he is the aggressor in the fights.

 

No, he never addresses me. He just twists it on me. He'll have me explain what I am upset about, act like he doesn't understand, ask me again, not understand, and then say something like, "Oh, you're just mad because I REJECTED you! That's what this is all about!" Yes, we actually just had that conversation.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion... will look it up.

[syz]

No, he never addresses me. He just twists it on me. He'll have me explain what I am upset about, act like he doesn't understand, ask me again, not understand, and then say something like, "Oh, you're just mad because I REJECTED you! That's what this is all about!" Yes, we actually just had that conversation.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion... will look it up.

 

yes He is acting like he doesn't understand. He understands full well. Not getting "it" is another way to make you question yourself where he never has to do anything and can keep you in your place.

 

Read the book. And all you can really do is change yourself and your life. Often it only takes one to get the ball rolling. Be social, see your friends, get a baby sitter, get out. Stop buying into his crap, he can't make you take the bait.

[uncool]

Hannah rose is not a reliable narrator. She has "issues" as indicated with her phobia to touching raw meat. (Actually she could always get some cheap latex gloves and wouldn't ever have to directly touch raw meat in order to prepare it--you know, like a butcher or deli employee--so even her raw meat phobia is just a lame excuse to passively-aggressively never cook her husband a nice hearty dinner, isn't it.)

 

so she doesnt like to touch raw meat... so what? I could live w/that!

 

She may have some unstated religious issues too--infidelity being the only reason to divorce sounds like it's a religious mentality, home schooling doesn't necessarily indicate religion being in the mix but is frequently due to not wanting to expose the kids to a secular education.

 

so she likes to homeschool her kids cause the public school sucks... so what? I could live w/that!

 

She entirely blames her husband and not herself ... lol no she doesn't

for all the fighting and all the lack of communication and all the bad sex

 

It's her husband's fault that she never orgasms during sex

Yes, that's right. She tells him what she wants and he just wants to get off inside her. That's being selfish.

There's nothing more sexaully satisfying than turning on your wife... nothing!

Is it his job to "service" her or something? why yes it is!

Maybe from his viewpoint she is a cold non responsive fish or something. I doubt it

 

What we do know is that she is not sexually attracted to him the way she used to be because he's obese and that's a huge sexual turn off for her.

I wouldn't say huge, but yes, that's right. She actually communicates to him that she'd like it if he lost weight. He won't do it cause he hates sex with her

She's not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room which is entirely under her own control. well yeah duh, because she has to sleep next to someone who despises her. If he wanted her next to him then he'd say something. She has to read his damn mind. Do you know how hard it is to sleep next to someone who physically and emotionally despises you? I do and it sucks ass.

 

Listen, hannah rose is either cheating already or contemplating it. um no, you're pulling that out of you butt

She's rewriting the marital history to make him the bad guy. out of your butt again

 

Here this poor guy is slaving away at his job and long commute to provide for this woman and FOUR kids so she can stay at home with them and home school them. And what does he get in return? A b*tchy princess who is too high and mighty or delicate to touch a raw steak so he can ever have a tasty hot meal for him when he comes home from his daily grind. She can't even get rubber gloves so she doesn't have to touch the meat. If she has some kind of weird raw meat phobia did she ever seek counseling to get over it?

not at all, he's not sensitive to any of her needs or desires

 

I if knew that my wife and I could have a stronger marriage if she didn't have to touch raw meat... I'd either order out or go vegan. I'd do it for her cause I love and respect her.

When they have sex she just criticizes and nags him. when did she say that? She just complains all the time. um no, just on her thread. This is her rant thread. Who are you to tell her she can't complain. This is her chance to vent and get valuable feedback from others.

 

No wonder her husband has gotten all depressed and plays video games eating cheetos and gaining weight all the time. I'm glad you see this as a valid excuse to not act like a husband

 

Who could blame him. everyone but you apparently

 

And I'm curious just how svelte the OP is after four children.

She sounds like an awesome woman who communicates well and enjoys having a spouse that wants to be with her. What a turn on

 

ouch, you really hate the original poster don't you. It's as if you can relate to her looser husband or something.

Edited August 10, 2013 by uncool

[HannahRose]

Okay, I like you even if you are wrong on a couple of the things. I like your attitude. I have to admit you had me cracking up laughing to tears and I don't know why it was so funny. Just the way you said everything, I guess. I can't stop laughing and crying. I really don't think the situation is funny, just your responses.

 

So do you. You both have intimacy problems WITH EACH OTHER. Stop trying to make your husband 100% the bad guy. You've been married to him for nine years, four kids. (Assuming these are his four kids which you didn't say otherwise, he's not your second husband or something is he?)

 

Okay, okay. I hear you. He isn't 100% responsible. I know. He's honestly on a roll now, with this mean guy attitude. Once I got him pissed off enough to be nasty, he ran with it.

 

I guess you missed that our oldest is my ex-husbands.

 

Now you're playing dumb. You're pretending to be clueless. You're pretending that a lack of good sex among all the other issues isn't going to affect the man just as much if not more than the woman? Please.

 

I'm really not playing dumb. Maybe I am dumb. I seriously do not know why he keeps starting stuff and doesn't seem to want to get along for more than a day or two.

 

If he "keeps insisting" that must mean YOU "keep questioning" what he's telling you. In other words accusing him of being a liar and having a sinister motive rather than just a fat guy who has trouble breathing in the first place when he's lying down (that's why he snores, you know that) and you can't figure out that a person's weight on his diaphram would make breathing for him even more difficult???

 

Yes, I keep asking to get to the bottom of it. I've never been fat (just pregnant) so I can't sympathize, but I will take your word for it. Not saying you are fat.

 

 

He's correct. You treated his statement about not being able to breathe as a personal rejection.

 

Because he did not tell me that until after he already said all the other stuff.

 

Perhaps for the same reason you need to demonize every motivation that you think he has?

 

So he has to insult me because of trust issues?

 

You want to pretend that somehow you don't understand when you jump on a fat man's stomach it might cause him difficulty breathing or discomfort, nothing you say can be taken at face value then.

 

Where are you getting that I jumped on him? I did no such thing.

 

 

And he was absolutely correct, wasn't he? And even in writing it down you don't see what is plain in front of your face.

 

He was NOT rejecting you. He was uncomfortable physically when you jumped on top of him. BUT you insisted on treating that as a personal rejection, and that IS why you got mad.

 

Do you not understand that jumping on a person's stomach is uncomfortable for that person?

 

If that were truly the case, he should have said that. Then I wouldn't be so confused.

 

 

He was being ironic/sarcastic. He didn't intend to reject you, but that's how you chose to take. And NOW you are actually calling him a jerk for acknowledging that you felt rejected. He obviously can't win. If he tells you he did it because he was uncomfortable, you don't believe him, so he's a jerk/liar. If he tells you he did it to reject you, he's still a jerk.

 

Maybe. Maybe not.

 

Either way you win. The only people who think this way in this type of solution (assuming you are not delusional which I think is not an issue) are women having affairs and seeking to totally demonize their husbands.

That isn't the case, here.

 

 

 

You're doing it again. You criticized him for disliking it when you are the sexual aggressor. Now you are denying being the sexual aggressor and putting him down for acknowledging it when you are. As if he is imagining things when you are "all over him."

 

I am not all over him. He doesn't like that. I wait until he wants to do stuff. That day was very rare in our relationship. He has to be the agressor. I have been fine with that, for the most part, because he likes to have sex and tries often enough. Just sometimes, it should be when I feel like it, correct?

 

Right. He's just this horrible man who doesn't care about you at all and doesn't care about what you like sexually he doesn't want to take care of the kids he doesn't want to change a light bulb or mow the lawn (also he's not manly enough to do those things, so you have to), he's an obese slob who's bad at sex, he obviously doesn't care about the kids since he never wants to give you a break, he is satisfied to have crappy sex with you just to spite you because he is so hateful.

 

Too funny. No, that's not true. He is lazy, though. He doesn't WANT to do the handy stuff, so he acts like he can't.

 

Yes we get it. He's totally loathsome as compared to yourself a golden angel who is too good and pure to touch raw meat.

 

LOL, I am not joking. I have some odd phobias and that's one of them. If he would let me jump in the shower if I felt like the juices splashed on me, I'd be okay. But he hates if I take an extra shower.

 

 

Well GEE WHIZ he must be doing something right then--which I guess explains the four children.

 

Agreed. He is doing something right, although I know you are being sarcastic.

So if you LIKE the sex when you have it then HAVE MORE OF IT. The ONLY reason you wouldn't be sleeping with him when you actually still LIKE the sex when you have it is BECAUSE YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR. (Or at least an emotional one, or thinking about it.)

 

He says I have a cycle of wanting to have sex and not that depends on what time of the month it is compared to my menstrual cycle. The closer it gets to that time, the moodier I am and less I want to have sex, according to him. Then, around the time when I must be ovulating, I want to have sex. When I want sex, he doesn't. When I don't want it, he wants it. I think it's all about the chase to him.

 

Again, I'm not having an affair.

 

 

Yes it's all his fault. Surely the grass is greener.

I know that the grass is not greener, and that is why I'm getting help. Or trying to.

[HannahRose]

HANNAHROSE,

Your husband is an absolute dick. I wish I had a wife like you!

 

That's so nice. Thank you!

[oldshirt]

I get the gut feeling you are mostly just venting and belching out one big victim puke here as opposed to actually looking for any nuts and bolts advice on what to do. That's ok. we all need to puke now and then:sick:

 

I also get the feeling that you are hoping there is something that can be done to change him and turn him into your dream man. I'm afraid that's not part of the real universe either.

 

The first question I have here is have you two ever had attraction, desire and mutual respect and admiration for each other? Honest question. Did you used to have a burning desire for each other and craved being together all the time and had a mutual respect, compassion and admiration for each other that has faded away over time??

 

Or have you both always found the other lacking in many of the traits and qualities that you wanted in a spouse but "settled" for each other as you each thought the other would somehow magically fill a void and you each thought the other was as good as you were going to get??

 

Address that question and maybe there is something we can actually grasp on to and work with..........

[HannahRose]

Hannah rose is not a reliable narrator. She has "issues" as indicated with her phobia to touching raw meat. (Actually she could always get some cheap latex gloves and wouldn't ever have to directly touch raw meat in order to prepare it--you know, like a butcher or deli employee--so even her raw meat phobia is just a lame excuse to passively-aggressively never cook her husband a nice hearty dinner, isn't it.)

 

She may have some unstated religious issues too--infidelity being the only reason to divorce sounds like it's a religious mentality, home schooling doesn't necessarily indicate religion being in the mix but is frequently due to not wanting to expose the kids to a secular education.

 

She entirely blames her husband and not herself for all the fighting and all the lack of communication and all the bad sex (although she does LIKE the sex when it occurs). It's her husband's fault that she never orgasms during sex, not her fault. Why is that? Is it his job to "service" her or something? Maybe from his viewpoint she is a cold non responsive fish or something.

 

What we do know is that she is not sexually attracted to him the way she used to be because he's obese and that's a huge sexual turn off for her. She's not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room which is entirely under her own control.

 

Listen, hannah rose is either cheating already or contemplating it. She's rewriting the marital history to make him the bad guy. It's classic.

 

Here this poor guy is slaving away at his job and long commute to provide for this woman and FOUR kids so she can stay at home with them and home school them. And what does he get in return? A b*tchy princess who is too high and mighty or delicate to touch a raw steak so he can ever have a tasty hot meal for him when he comes home from his daily grind. She can't even get rubber gloves so she doesn't have to touch the meat. If she has some kind of weird raw meat phobia did she ever seek counseling to get over it? Evidently not. She's just too "special." When they have sex she just criticizes and nags him. She just complains all the time. Nothing he does is right.

 

No wonder her husband has gotten all depressed and plays video games eating cheetos and gaining weight all the time.

 

Who could blame him.

 

And I'm curious just how svelte the OP is after four children.

 

Okay, now you are just being mean. You are also not seeing that you are wrong on several issues.

 

Yes, I've admitted I have a few odd phobias. I could use gloves, but he calls me crazy and I get embarrassed. Easier to just not do it than do it, have to take a shower, and get called psycho in front of my children and have him tell them I'm not normal.

 

What does me being religious have to do with this issue? What unstated religious issues are you implying?

 

As far as the sex, I would say it is his fault if I tell him what I like and he doesn't ever do it. What else am I supposed to do?

 

He has called me a dead fish (I'm definitely not unresponsive) but he does that to displace the blame. What am I supposed to do when someone just shoves it in there, f's, and then is done? He's happy with that. I do not criticize and nap him during sex. Also, is it my fault that I'm not attracted to obesity? Am I supposed to like it?

 

I'm not going to address the cheating thing, again. I've already responded to that several times.

 

I want to sleep in the same bed as him. I miss him. But, if I can't sleep, what am I supposed to do? Be a zombie while I'm watching and homeschooling our four children? That's not going to work. A solution would be for him to lose the weight or try out various snoring devices, yet he's not interested and just tells me to shut up and deal with it.

 

I appreciate your responses, because you are right about some things, but you are also very wrong about others. Please don't call me names. I honestly cannot stand to be called one more bad word.

[HannahRose]

Careful what you wish for, you might get it.

 

I would go ballistic if my wife thought she was so special that she was absolved from touching raw meat, and if it truly was a phobia and not just a lame excuse for not ever cooking dinner, her not doing anything about it like getting psychological help.

 

Gee couldn't we all go through life picking and choosing what we thought was "gross" and then we never had to do that thing?

 

Wow some of us are special and privileged aren't we?

 

If my wife jumped on my stomach or chest even playfully and it hurt me, I told her to get off, and she bitched at me about it, I would tell her to pack a suitcase and get her selfish entitled @ss out of the house.

 

The OP here is so self-centered and narcissistic that she doesn't even think it "counts" when she physically hurts her husband. He must be a liar or a jerk and rejecting her if he objects when she jumps on his stomach.

 

OP sounds like she has the maturity level of a little child and is projecting that onto her husband.

 

Okay, you've just gotten too mean. I didn't jump on him. I'm glad I'm not married to you. You are not very nice at all.

[HannahRose]

As far as my figure, I lose the pregnancy weight every single time and fit my old clothes (which are size 3 and 5 in the junior section) every single time. Thanks, though!