LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

My husband is lying about viewing internet porn


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 18th June 2004, 12:09 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 8
My husband is lying about viewing internet porn

My husband looks at A LOT of internet porn. I mean so much that I can't imagine how he's ever gotten through it all. I found out about it a few months ago when it was downloading automatically....when I confronted him about it, we discussed why it bothered me and why he did it. He said that he viewed the prn as a distraction - something he's donwe since he was a teenager. It bothers me because I think it's a distraction from our marriage. Now, we've been married since April and living with eachother since January 2003. Our sex life used to be very active and now it's down to once a week. His reason is because he gets the intimacy on a daily basis that he used to onloy get through sex - and this frustrates me. How can he look at porn but not want to have sex with his wife????? I asked him to stop and he said he would - but he still has the stuff automatically downloading every day.

Can someone help me with the intense rage I feel? I mean, he is lying to me but I feel that my sneaking around his computer in some ways to find out is just as bad as him lying about looking at it. And I have such resentment towards him about our sex life I could scream. I want sex all the time and am willing to do anything to turn him on. Jeez, I am so into wanting to make love to him that I've tried almost everything. We both agree that our sex life is great when we have it - but the thing is, it's only once a week.

The other thing is that I would totally view the porn with him as I find it just as much of a turn on as he does. But it's a private thing with him.

What's the deal? Can someone offer me advice?
coolbeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 12:30 PM   #2
 
johan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 16,586
Would he consider giving it up for 2 weeks or a month just to see what happens? Could he do it? Is it compulsive or a choice?

Last edited by johan; 18th June 2004 at 12:33 PM..
johan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 12:39 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Moose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 5,940
Personally, sex once a week isn't really something you should gripe about. Some of us are lucky to get it once every two weeks or so. Also, you've been together since Jan. of 03, you need to expect the sex drive to level out a bit. Typically, it'll last for few months then he'll gain that drive back, then it'll slack off, it's a roller coaster..

Don't get me wrong, looking at porn on the inter net, or anywhere else, can slow down sex with the wife to self gratification. You mentioned that you look at it with him and also get turned on by it. So, have you thought about allowing him to take pictures or even tape you two to give him something to look at besides strange women? I'll probably get the old chewing out by other posters on here, but I wish my wife would approach me and say, hey, let's try this......

Also, get you some of that warming ky gel, or flavored body lotion, sexy bedroom outfits, spice it up a little for him....or even quiz him on what he'd like to do in the bedroom....get a book on positions and ask him what he'd like to try......anyway, these are just suggestions from a male point of view....the women in here may have better ones.....

Good Luck!!!

Moose
__________________
"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Moose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 1:13 PM   #4
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 8
Clear something up...

My problem is that he lies about it. I haven't looked at the porn with him, but I would. I've done everything from bondage to role play - taken pictures etc. Our sex life is great - it's just the frequency i'm concerned about as well as why he feels he needs to look at other women and then lie about it.
coolbeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 1:52 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Moose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 5,940
Well, like I said, the sex drive is going to level off at some point, then it'll pick up....sounds like to me you are a lot of fun....I don't know if maybe since you've done all those things, he's looking just because of what I call the, "What if" factor. What if she, (Ladies in porn), were attracted to me? For some reason us men love to fantisize that other attractive, sexy, sex loving women are attracted to us. Then when we are confronted with it we defend ourselves because we know, or at least think, what your reaction would be.


Another thought you might consider is that maybe you have too strong a sex drive and maybe you need to work on that.....once a week.....to me, would be wonderfull!!!!! But my wife doesn't have that strong of a sex drive and I've learned how to control my urges....not through porn either....I would just tell him, "I know you look at porn and that's ok, just don't lie to me about it and invite me once in a while to look at it with you".

Would you consider rubbing off on my wife?????? hehe
Moose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 1:59 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 8
I just don't get it

I guess it really is a male/female thing, then. I can't imagine why he would have to fantasize about other women wanting him. I mean, I can look at a good looking man and enjoy the view, but if I'm looking at porn, I get turned on and want my husband.....not to just imagine those men wanting me. I don't get it. And we want to start having children....so my concern there is that we'll never have sex after that.

I was very reserved sexually when we first met and he introduced me to a lot of things. I guess my problem now is that I know he slept with a fair number of women before me, liked to have sex a lot, yadda yadda yadda.......and now that we're in love and he's getting the intimacy he desires, I lose out on the incredible sex.

I've done everything from met him at the door in lingerie to leaving sexy notes in his briefcase.....even met him at the airport in nothing but a raincoat........that was then and now I'm lucky to get him to make love once a week. I know that I shouldn't be complaining about the frequency, but if he can look at pron every day, then why can't he look at me the same way?
coolbeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 2:21 PM   #7
Butterfly_Queen
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Hi, I have had the same problem with my H. It started about a year ago. I told him how I felt about it and he said he would stop. Well guess what, he didn't. It went from viewing what I considered normal porn to hard extreme things. Not only that he started to lie about it to my face as if the files weren't enough to prove it. When they begin to deny or lie about, then the problem then becomes bigger. I have found that sometimes when someone is called on something, rarely do they stop, they just become better at hiding it. Its one thing to view porn on an occasion but when it becomes frequent and it interferes with your sex life then its time to do something about it. Addicts will lie, and deny, lie and deny.

You will find people helpful on here but you will also find people that will tell you its no big deal. I have had that happen. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your marriage. My thing is, that when you tell someone that something bothers you, that should be enough for them to stop. However when they don't, its a disrespect to you and the relationship. Maybe you should try talking with him again and see where things stand. If it continues, then maybe you should suggest counseling. Hope things work out for you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 2:21 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Moose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 5,940
Have you tried reverse phycology? Next time he's hot and bothered, tell him to take a cold shower, tell him, "Remember when I was hot and bothered and you blew me off? Turn around is fair play". This may be risky in your case, but it's a thought.

When I said fantasize about other women having the hots for us men turns us on, I didn't mean to visualize having sex with them, to me that's as bad as cheating. When I see something sexy all I want is my wife, fortunatley, my wife has the body of a porn star.......no joke either. In some ways that makes my situation worse because I can't keep my hands off of her and like I said earlier, her drive isn't as hard as mine so it's like being at a buffett and not allowed to eat.

When we watch a porn movie together, she fantasizes having sex with the woman. Again, to me that's as bad as cheating. But it's something she has been trying to fight against.....her Sister-in-law is the same way and now we don't watch porn at all because of the temptation she has to move forward with her Sister-in-law.

I don't know what I can say that will cause your husband to having a better sex drive and to get to where you want him to be. The best thing is to talk to him about it and let him know what your desires and needs are. I sincerely hope that you don't resort to something outside your marriage.
Moose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 2:22 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 93
I think you have every right to complain about your having sex once a week.. I am also someone who has a very high sex drive, I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 and a half, we have sex between 4-8 times a week, depending on our moods and stuff. However, my boyfriend views porn and at first I HATED it.. However, I have gotten better about his porn viewing, but ONLY if I still get sex all the time. If I knew he was viewing porn and our sex life died, I would not tolerate that. I am all for some self-pleasure, I do it frequently myself, but it has never made me not wnat to have sex with my man.. If your husband is downloading stuff EVERYDAY, that is a bit excessive and I would definately tell him, that he really needs to start focusing more on making your guys sex life happy and stop viewing porn daily.

My boyfriend explained to me, that his porn viewing has nothing to do with his desire for me and I believe him, cause we have amazing sex and almost everyday... So, when everyone seya your relationship slows down, yes it can and it has with us too. But, if it slowed down and he was downloading porn everyday I don't blame you for feeling fustrated.. I would probably take that fuc&ing computer and throw it out the window. You sound like a very giving women, who is open sexually to new things. I don't blame you for being upset....
__________________
I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you....
Confused123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 2:25 PM   #10
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 514
I have no moral problem with *most* porn. (excluded is that that degrades women or promotes sexual violence against women.) It's meant as a form of entertainment. Porn can serve as an outlet for those without a partner (fantasy fuel) and as a way for a couple to add a bit of spice to their love life. BUT, and this is a big but, internet porn can be a trap that leads to obsession. My greatest concern is that so much of the porn on the internet is so, so sick and twisted. I've known a lot of guys to get caught up in this. First they're just viewing porn. Then it gets into kinky porn and progresses to use of the sex chatrooms, frequenting the sites where couples have live web cam sex and orgies, and posting ads on places like AdultFriendFinder (a dating site for people looking to hook up for sex). Of all the married guys I've know who get caught up in the porn trap, every single one of them have ended with major problems in their marriage. They forgot that their wives are supposed to be their sexual outlet and partner, not some imaginary or real person on the net. The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).

If your husband is preferring porn to a real, good, healthy sex life with you, and he's lying about it, there's no doubt about it -- he has a problem that he needs to deal with immediately. If he can't do this alone, he must go into therapy.
StartingAgain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 3:42 PM   #11
 
johan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 16,586
Quote:
The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).
I agree completely.
johan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 4:04 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 121
Quote:
Originally posted by StartingAgain
Of all the married guys I've know who get caught up in the porn trap, every single one of them have ended with major problems in their marriage. They forgot that their wives are supposed to be their sexual outlet and partner, not some imaginary or real person on the net.
But do you think porn was the underlying cause of all the marriage problems? I have a hard time believing that. Because I would say that someone who had other problems with the marriage would also be more likely to get caught up in the porn trap as some sort of substitute. So other problems became the cause of both the porn obsession and the major marital problems (and after that the porn may have caused exacerbations).

Quote:
The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).

If your husband is preferring porn to a real, good, healthy sex life with you, and he's lying about it, there's no doubt about it -- he has a problem that he needs to deal with immediately. If he can't do this alone, he must go into therapy.
The lying is definitely a problem, because it seem that views on porn differ from couple to couple, and being on the same page with each other is the most important.
BlueLP is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 4:12 PM   #13
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 8
wait

The lying is the biggest problem for me. Our marriage is truly a happy one - we openly comunicate about everything - except for this. From what I understand through the conversation we had before when I first found the porn, it serves as a distraction for him when under stress. He just started a new job at the time - now the job is more hectic and the poor guy can hardly sleep at night he is under so much stress from it.

My problem is how do I bring it up? I mean I'm sneaking around looking at his computer to find the files. Not very upfront.

And our sex problems have always been that I tend to pout when I don't get my way. Everyone knows how sexy (NOT!) the pouting is. But I find myself so upset by the pron, and I can't bring myself to confront him again, that I end up pouting and never getting what I want anyway.

HELP@!!!!!!!!!!
coolbeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 4:18 PM   #14
Unconfirmed Account
 
dyermaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: California with an aching in my heart.
Posts: 6,735
He lies because he's embarrassed.

That's all it is.

It's rarely indicative of other trust issues. Porn is the one subconscious issue in which both sides feel totally comfortable behaving untrustwothy--men because they feel that their masturbation ventures are their own ventures, and women because they feel being lied to entitles them to snoop through said ventures.

It would be a lot easier if you could talk to him about it, but some people aren't up front about that kind of thing. Really, it doesn't concern you. For men, masturbation is like any other form of excretion. Sure, you can hold it in, but it's not going to make things easier for you. Additionally, porn just speeds up the proccess. It's not about intimacy--at all.
dyermaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2004, 4:19 PM   #15
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 8
So you're saying....

That his viewing porn has nothing to do with the intimacy he shares with me?
coolbeans is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband Lies and is into Internet Porn. Sickofitall Marriage & Life Partnerships 9 17th April 2005 7:46 PM
My husband wants me to pose nude for Internet porn sites. Blueangel Marriage & Life Partnerships 7 18th March 2005 4:46 AM
Help I Am So Bothered By My Future Husband Viewing Porn!!!!!! christinarae98 Marriage & Life Partnerships 6 3rd April 2004 9:38 PM
Is my hubby viewing porn? babysang Marriage & Life Partnerships 6 29th June 2003 2:17 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:52 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.