Harper601 Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Hello to all: I have a big problem and I need some help...fast. My wife has a problem with my past relationships with other women from over 20 years ago. There is one lady in particular that she likes to make comments about. (The last time I was with this lady was 1981, I have not seen her, or even mentioned her name since 1981) Every 6 months or so I am embarrassed in front of others, or it comes up with no prior warning. I have talked to her about it before more times than I wish to count. But, it always comes up over and over again. We have been married for more than 7 years now. Last night in front of some of her family she made a comment about a lady. Little did she know one of the family members knew just what her comment meant when she made her remark. I really do not know what to do. We have a 10 yr old son, so leaving is out of the question. I provide us with a great living, (self-employed, nice home, debt free). I have never done the 3 sins...hit, cheat, or lie. So I need some help. Any advice right now is welcomed. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Is it just this particular woman she expresses jealousy about? It certainly seems like irrational behavior. Here is a link to an article about dealing with a jealous partner. http://www.behavioralconsultants.com/partner's_jealousy.htm It looks like this might be tough to deal with, so maybe some help from a marriage counselor would be good. P. S. I guess the link is too long, so you will have to copy and paste into your browser. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by Matilda Is it just this particular woman she expresses jealousy about? It certainly seems like irrational behavior. Here is a link to an article about dealing with a jealous partner. http://www.behavioralconsultants.com/partner's_jealousy.htm It looks like this might be tough to deal with, so maybe some help from a marriage counselor would be good. P. S. I guess the link is too long, so you will have to copy and paste into your browser. Sorry. Thanks for the reply. Yes it is this one particular person. I am almost sure if she knew of any others she would bring them up also. But yes, it is this one woman. I think this weekend was the final straw, I am going to seek coucnciling for this. Better or worse, I am not going to put up with this any longer. I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Hi There, IMO it doesn't matter who you were with before your wife. She needs to realize it is driving you nuts and it is also disrespectful. My wife has a problem with my past relationships with other women from over 20 years ago. tell her to just get over it. 20 years ago is a long time. I think SHE is the one who needs counceling. If you have never cheated, then what is her problem? Maybe see if she'd go to counceling with you, this is a potential marriage ruiner. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 Originally posted by supermom Hi There, IMO it doesn't matter who you were with before your wife. She needs to realize it is driving you nuts and it is also disrespectful. tell her to just get over it. 20 years ago is a long time. I think SHE is the one who needs counceling. If you have never cheated, then what is her problem? Maybe see if she'd go to counceling with you, this is a potential marriage ruiner. Good Luck I am going to suggest it for her. I will go also. Never cheated, never lied, never done anything wrong. Just crazy about this one woman for some reason. Go figure...and yes, 20 years is a long time. The more I think about it the more it makes me crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 So in 1981 you were not dating your wife yet? Perhaps you didn't even know her? This is so weird Does your wife knows personally this lady? Is it possible she often meets her in person? Does she have any friends that know her? Have you asked her the *exact*, *precise* reason why she hates her/is this jealous of her? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 I appologize for sounding disrespectfull, but... are you telling us the whole story? Like whoi that woman was, did she mean anything special to you, etc...? And: how come someone from your family knew about a woman whom you've dated 20 years ago and understood her allusion? If you want help, the whole story could come in handy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by Pyrannaste So in 1981 you were not dating your wife yet? Perhaps you didn't even know her? This is so weird Does your wife knows personally this lady? Is it possible she often meets her in person? Does she have any friends that know her? Have you asked her the *exact*, *precise* reason why she hates her/is this jealous of her? Thanks for the reply. I did not expect so many replies in such a short time. Well where do I begin...yes it is weird, crazy, childish and all of the above. I do not think that she knows her. Never asked because I do not talk about my past to my wife. So if they know each other. It is a good guess. (I doubt it) I don't think they meet or have met before. Different circle of friends. Very different. Whenever I ask there is no 'real' answer. We did talk about it last night, and she says she did not know that she talks about the lady. (Easy way out) But, she has promised not to do it again. I will take her word for it. Hopefully it wil not happen again. Edit: I forgot to answer the first part of this. My wife and I have been boyfriend/girlfriend every since 3rd grade up to 11th grade. After that I joined the Marines for 8 years, she went off to college after high school. We later met after my divorce from my fist wife 1991. But, no in 1981 we were not together. She had a boyfriend (I think, and I had a girlfriend(obviously)). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam I appologize for sounding disrespectfull, but... are you telling us the whole story? Like whoi that woman was, did she mean anything special to you, etc...? And: how come someone from your family knew about a woman whom you've dated 20 years ago and understood her allusion? If you want help, the whole story could come in handy! Thanks for the reply Curly. No disrespect taken. Yes, I am telling the whole story. I have no reason to hide anything from her or bring up other people. Did she mean anything special to me??? Whether she did or not, is not the problem. Whether she did or not would never be the topic of discussion because I have never said, or say one thing about her. But to answer that question. No she was not anything special just someone that you meet and fall head over heels for when you are a 'teen'. We are talking 1981 here. Not yesterday, or some affair that I had while being married or engaged to my wife. We are both 41 now (wife and I) this happened while we were in high school at 17/18. I cannot figure it out. Her family knows about it because her (cousins) family and I lived in the same area. So, if you can give me some advise, feel free. I am open to suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 There must be a way that your wife knows of this woman. At some point you must have mentioned something regarding her or your wife would not have any knowledge of her at all. My guess is ......whatever it was that you said in regards to her made your wife feel that this girl is some how in some way more special then her. Perhaps this was the one you lost your virginity to or so on. There is something this other woman has done or did in the past that your wife feels she will never be able to do for you. Which could be causing a little bit of unconcious jealousy. My partner had quickly, breifly mentioned something he and his ex had done together. It was so quick in passing that he didn't think anything of it. However, it was something that he and I had never shared together and it made me feel like he wasn't totally all mine. We talked about it and he agreed never to mention times shared with his ex again. Perhaps you said something without thinking or someone else said something regarding this woman and your past relationship that is stuck in your wifes head. Good Luck, Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by Lucinda There must be a way that your wife knows of this woman. At some point you must have mentioned something regarding her or your wife would not have any knowledge of her at all. My guess is ......whatever it was that you said in regards to her made your wife feel that this girl is some how in some way more special then her. Perhaps this was the one you lost your virginity to or so on. There is something this other woman has done or did in the past that your wife feels she will never be able to do for you. Which could be causing a little bit of unconcious jealousy. My partner had quickly, breifly mentioned something he and his ex had done together. It was so quick in passing that he didn't think anything of it. However, it was something that he and I had never shared together and it made me feel like he wasn't totally all mine. We talked about it and he agreed never to mention times shared with his ex again. Perhaps you said something without thinking or someone else said something regarding this woman and your past relationship that is stuck in your wifes head. Good Luck, Lucinda Thanks. Nothing I said. I NEVER TALK ABOUT MY PAST. Maybe someone else has mentioned this to her. I don't know, but not I. Scouts honor. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 We've had several posters who have trouble obsessing about the partners their partners have had before them. This condition responds well to therapy. If it comes up again, get her to a physician; preferably a psychiatrist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme We've had several posters who have trouble obsessing about the partners their partners have had before them. This condition responds well to therapy. If it comes up again, get her to a physician; preferably a psychiatrist. Thanks to the reply. I have been reading other posts and replies to my plea. I see that this is something that occurs more than I would have thought to be normal. Why? I do not care or even ask about anyone that she has been with. In my mind that is something that is really not my business. I wonder what makes people so...weak. Is that the word I am looking for???? Any way...I thank all for the replies and advise. I have spoken to her about it, and she has agreed to not bring the other woman up again. She promised. I am sure it will happen again, but...I do know how to better handle it each and every time. Just this time in particular was most upsetting because other people in the room knew it was a tender subject and they knew that I was looking like a fool. (We all grew up together away from my wife) So, with all of that said, I thank everyone for the help and advise, it was truly wonderful to have a third, fourth, fifth set of ears/eyes to offer help. I stumbled on this site just browsing, pouting and looking for something to help me get over this. As most of you have guessed by now, it was a mood killer. Maybe it is I, and maybe I am different, but I could really care less about whom she has been with or whom anyone has been with, so I find this kind of behavior strange. Maybe I need to change the way I think. Hmmm Was the other lady beautiful - Yes beyond imagination! Is my wife beautiful - Yes beyond imagination until she does something like this! Personality does wonders for the appearance! Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfoot324 Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 [color=blue][/color] I say you should kick her out. Or just leave!! Take care of what you are committed to and move the H$$$ on and out! Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 Was the other lady beautiful - Yes beyond imagination! Do you have an old photo album with pictures of you and this beautiful woman together tucked somewhere? Old love letters? My wife had alot of feelings of insecurity for awhile before we were married and after alot of discussion it turns out she went through a photo album of mine that had photos of me an ex girlfriends in it. She for some reason felt jealous of their looks and it led to the insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 Originally posted by linwood Do you have an old photo album with pictures of you and this beautiful woman together tucked somewhere? Old love letters? My wife had alot of feelings of insecurity for awhile before we were married and after alot of discussion it turns out she went through a photo album of mine that had photos of me an ex girlfriends in it. She for some reason felt jealous of their looks and it led to the insecurity. No. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 I wonder what makes people so...weak. Is that the word I am looking for???? Hopefully not. People are fragile and can't help being so. We are not all constructed the same. Some of us can tough it out through all sorts of difficult situations. Others crumple easily. They don't choose to be that way just as they don't choose to be blonde, short, or long-fingered. If your wife is suffering from obsessive thinking, it isn't her fault. She needs understanding, not contempt. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 Hi...I'm overcoming obsessive thinking...and much of it recently has been about my fiance's ex-wife. Comparing myself to her, trying to compete to be better, worrying, feeling anxious and insecure. I nearly drove my love away! Then I started to get treatment for it...seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants, which can specifically help obessive thinking. I'm not perfect...but MUCH better than I was. I got stuck on things which seemed crazy too. Like worrying about my guy having sex when he was 16...which is now 16 years ago!!! It's not rational. Yet it happens. I wish you and your wife the best of luck. If you need further advice, or think I may have further insights for you, then send my a private message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Harper601 Posted June 27, 2004 Author Share Posted June 27, 2004 Thanks for coming forward with your advice. I would like to hear more about this. Although she has said that she will not do it again, I know it will happen again. For what reason, I do not know why but... Ohh, I have no email address to contact you. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Hi..you can send private messages on this site, using the private message function. Enter my username. It will happen again. She does not want it too. But something is stuck in her head, and even though she doesn't want it to happen again, the same stuck thoughts, will probably run through her head. She'll look for relief. Relief comes by asking questions, or seeking reassurance from you. It's awful for her, and awful for you. Believe me...I KNOW! I don't know if she has an obsessive thinking problems, but it sounds like she has a tendency towards that, considering she is stuck on this. I honestly think counselling would help her work through it. My psychologist helped me understand why it was happening...why the fear and insecurity is there. It can be a combination of emotional and physical problems. Sometimes the chemical balance in our brains can get out of balance. Sometimes we are genetically predisposed to thinking obsessively also. Plus, there will be life events and other reasons whyshe may be stuck on this. It can be overcome though! Link to post Share on other sites
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