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damage from previous marrage


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Old 11th June 2004, 5:10 PM   #1
giggy
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Red face damage from previous marrage

how do i deal with dammage inflicted on my partner from her previous marrage?

Trust mainly.... help please?????
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Old 12th June 2004, 3:51 AM   #2
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You have to understand that you must prove that you're trustworthy. She will take much longer to believe in you than others might - but if you're trustworthy anyway, you have nothing to fear. If she's worth waiting for, then be patient and understanding.
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Old 12th June 2004, 8:35 AM   #3
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Red face

She is worth the wait. I've known her all my life.

He treated her so bad and he was her first everything. I don't want her to reflect the image of men he gave her onto me. I am going to be patient because there is no other woman out there like her and I wanna keep her.

She was wondering herself, how to deal with the damage on her own and tried to post in here. She sat beside me when I posted this and smiled.

Thanks for the support, It's nice to get that second opionion.

giggy
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Old 12th June 2004, 9:15 AM   #4
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Don't break her trust.

I was damaged from previous relationships, and my husband was so wonderful. Always on time, always honest...then one day I caught him in a lie. It took me a month to forgive him. A month later, another lie, and so on and so on.

I don't trust him as far as I can throw him now. So just never ever lie to her. ABOUT ANYTHING. Even if you are planning a suprise birthday party, don't lie to her if she guesses it. Don't try and convince her there's a Santa Clause. If she found out something you did that she doesn't like, don't lie about it. Fess up...that way, she'll know she can trust you, because you'll even be truthful when you know you'll be in the dog house.

Don't hide things. If you have a Playboy magazine, don't hide it under the bed like she's too stupid to find it. Bring it home, and lay it right out on the coffee table. If she wants you to put it out of sight, then do it, but don't start hiding it from HER. If she doesn't like you looking at it, try to talk to her about why you WANT to look at it, and if she's still uncomfortable with it, don't look at it any more. Don't hide it, and look at it when she's not around, just throw it out, and accept that you married her, so if you want to be happy, you need to try to make her happy.

Just tell her everything. Even if that pretty new secretary hits on you, tell her. Also, tell her the steps you are taking to AVOID said secretary.

Being overly honest is key to gaining trust. Rest assured, however, that if you EVER break her trust for any reason, everything you've done and will do will be questioned. My husband can't do anything without me getting this sneaky suspicion he's hiding something. I never call him on it, but I sure as heck don't trust him.

Why do you need her trust? I don't trust my husband at all, but he doesn't seem to mind.
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Old 12th June 2004, 11:54 AM   #5
giggy
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Red face

When she suspects something she gets quiet and doesn't talk about it.

Something I inocently said , or did with no wrong intentions. She keeps making reference to the things he did. Just wondering how I can steer around this.

Feels like I should just sit here . no talking. no moving.


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Old 14th June 2004, 8:56 AM   #6
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Oh

There may be nothing you can do. She isn't over her boyfriend, in a sense. She can't let go of the things he did and said. I have that same problem, I cringe every time someone does something that I would get called stupid for. I wouldn't be able to just automatically get over most of the stuff my husband has put me through.

This is her problem. You can accept that she is messed up because of her past, or you can move on. No one should make reference to someone else as comparison in a relationship. That's one of the rules. You can't look at her, and say, "Why can't you be more like Jessica Simpson?" Because you are not like Nick. I wish I could be in a relationship more like what I SEE of theirs, but I don't see their problems, and I'm not Jessica Simpson.

So there's no way that she can compare you to her ex. So she shouldn't. How old is she? She needs to get over the past, or get therapy....it has little or nothing to do with you.
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