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Trust issues, please help!! Need advice


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jerseygirl40

I need advice. I feel I have no one to ask or talk to because of the nature of it. I feel like I am going out of my mind!!

My husband(my 2nd husband), started getting into weightlifting big time last fall, wanted to lose weight, etc.(kudos to him) he started looking on a bodybuilding forum, as he is interested in bodybuilding. Well, within weeks he started getting up very early 5-5:30am, and I noticed he was getting on these forums(btw forums talk about bodybuilding to porn pics). Having chatted(him too) b4 we met I know how that can be. So I started getting suspcious. But it took me several more months to check into it. He was talking about have he was making "gains' and getting stronger. One day in the car, I asked him if he was taking "help" for his bodybuilding, he told me no.

Footnote: our sex life was pretty pathetic, maybe once a month for the last year prior, he said he didn't have much desire(which was true), but I couldn't help feeling like maybe it was something to do with me.

About March, I KNEW, as a woman and wife does, something was going on!! I suspected chatting, etc at first, given the early rises in the morning. I started asking him if he was chatting,etc. the answer was "no" Then I saw in history some lingerie sites, naked girl in undies and MILF(mommies I would like to f**k) sites. So I confronted him again. This time I was smarter and said "oh, were you looking for lingerie for me?" he said "maybe" I said "bull crap" he Never buys me lingerie, wasn't interested in sex.(he used to when dating). So I freaked. I will admit I pushed and pushed because I wanted an answer to what was going on.

 

One night, I yelled and yelled and pushed for an answer. He got so upset with me stating he didn't do anything wrong, he wasn't chatting, etc. But he got so upset he came after me and slapped me. He was immediately sorry and apologized, even cried that he would do that(I come from a 1st husband that had a bad temper and had me by the throat,etc.a few times) Still I had no answers, about a week later I said something is going on, maybe it had to do with steriods. He said "what if it did?"...well that is what is was. He had been taking legal prohormones at first(when I asked him in the car and replied nothing), then he did research about the other steriods. He made a huge decision without consulting me,yes its helped with his libido, which is a wonderful side effect, but if he had only told me what he was doing, why, I would have probably been ok with it.

Instead he let me nag and scream about other women, slapped me and could have put an end to it there. Now I don't trust him. He lied, he made a major decision about his health, legalities, etc without telling me. He says he would have told me, wanted to tell me. Now I find myself checking up on him everyday, to see what else he may be lying about. I have found to me inappropriate things on the board(nothing to divorce over), the typical vote on the board hotties, comments.etc. so this makes me mistrust, he has pm's which he tells me is looking for info on bodybuilding. He has a secure email too. I do believe under it all, he isn't doing anything else. But how can anyone know for sure??? But in my eyes, you break a trust, its hard to earn it back.

He is upset with me because I am not trusting him, checking up on him(believe I don't want to, I never felt I had a reason b4 now to check up on him). He says 1 min I am fine, the next I am pissed at him for something he said on the forum about another girl. He says he can't live like this that I am mad 1 min and fine the next. He says now he afraid to click on anything that looks offensive and deletes history because he's afraid I will be pissed at something.(I don't want to live like that either, and I know I don't want to make him feel like he can't do what he wants) But, he is the one that lied. I haven't found anything to divorce him over but I feel like I am out of control not trusting him. I acknowledge I have issues on jealousy. I also just turned 40(don't look it or feel it no one EVER believes I am 40) I know I look damn good, but I feel insecure about myself right now knowing I am getting older. I feel like he was the one person I could trust and he blew that. He wants me to just forget about what happened. He even told me today that maybe I should stop checking his posts and then I won't be pissy. That to me says he's telling me to just let him do whatever and for me to mind my own business. We are married, major decisions are made jointly. I have alot of issues from my childhood and my first marriage and alot of traumatic experiences to go along with it. Maybe that is why I can't let this go. Sometimes I don't trust my own feelings, maybe I am naive. I feel hurt and betrayed by his underhandedness. Also as a note, my husband lost his job in January, is still unemployed and is on the computer a good part of the day, on these boards, which hasn't helped he has so much time on his hands. Any advise would be great. Thanks. Sorry its so long.

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Go see a therapist. Your issues are way out of hand and you need help to understand that and to fix them.

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go see a therepist together. he many issues he needs to work on too. i know how it is to have problems w/trust in a relationship because of the internet. since we have gotten the internet it has destroyed parts of our relationship that i wonder if we will ever get back. good luck, i know how much it sucks and how crazy it can make you. i too have lost much of my self esteem due to the stupid computer.

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I started by feeling sorry for you jerseygirl, but by the time I reached the merciful end of your ramblings, I felt sorry for your husband being married to an untrusting insanely jealous nag!!

 

Get over it and move on, or get some professional help. You state you are 40 but in fact carry on like a 12 yr old.

 

This may sound blunt but I call it as I see it.

Jack ;)

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jerseygirl40

yeah well ......Jack.......your seeing it and getting it all wrong. But I can take it. I NEVER once felt the need to check up on him. Never! He brought it on himself. I trusted him completely and the fact he lied to my face when I asked him, not once 2 times about it. The fact I trusted him and he broke that trust, deciding on something that could affect his health and our safety. The fact he would strike me, no matter what. And from what I have learned. It is never OK, Jack, for a man to hit a woman.

 

I turned into a "nag" the day he decided on something pretty big. It wasn't like deciding on what color shirt to buy or deciding to take a vacation. I am looking for resolution. Maybe I should have thrown in the towel when I wasn't at least told the truth to begin with. And I am sure, Jack, you wouldn't trust someone who lied to you.

 

I am not about to apologize for making sure he isn't up to other things. I have a right to know and considering I can't seem to extract the truth, I have to resort, which is sad, on finding out for myself. I turned into a pretty good detective, figuring things out myself. So feel sorry for my husband, I feel sorry for you who has no compassion for someone who was lied to. I was actually relieved to find out it was what it was, not another woman. btw, my rambling was being about to open myself up to the whole story for advice. If my husband didn't act 12 yrs old, maybe I wouldn't have to act that way too. It wasn't all my problem. I didn't ask for the wedge he drove in...I can't let deceitful behavior just go without some resolution. And I don't apologize for my pissy moods, they are justified and warranted when someone can strike you, jack so If that is driving a wedge on my behalf so be it, I deserve honesty and respect.

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You asked for advice. You got it. You don't like it and don't want to hear it. So, really, it was pointless to ask, wasn't it?

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jerseygirl40

thanks epets. I see you understand how that can tear at one's trust. As I said I never had issues to mistust him b4. Deep down he never gave me reason to. I don't know where this came from. I don't like the feeling it envoked. I had a real SOB for an ex. He was abusive and threatened and scared me and my kids one too many times. So I gave everything to trust someone again. I really feel that he is not "up" to other things, but feel that the one person I could trust didn't feel like he could be on the up and up with him. I am a relatively open minded person and would have understood the reason he wanted to try it. I just felt when 2 people are committed they should discuss such a big decision. things should have to be this way, no one said it would be easy. I know because of my past, I need to feel I can trust someone, and find it hard to do so. And this put me in a tailspin. False security I guess thinking I had nothing to worry about. And sometimes it makes you foolish to think months of "undercover" things were going on you had no idea. But thanks for your words and I hope you are ok, too! God Bless, like is too short for stupid stuff...that is for sure.

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jerseygirl40

well moimee...I did ask for it, put myself out there, yes. I expected as much from unfeeling people. But it wasn't advice, it was an attack on me, which I DON'T appreciate. I put myself out there to try to fix what I did wrong. Whatever that may be. It wasn't overly helpful to be told something that isn't true. Maybe I protrayed the story that way, but it was interpreted wrong. When I see him doing something that makes me question what he is up to now, then yes, I ask him what is going on. which is warranted, when someone breaks trust you kind of have to live with that a little bit, to some degree. I wasn't nagging or screaming at him, only 1 time when I KNEW something was going on and he wouldn't tell me. Jack wasn't helping me, he just wanted to insult me and make me feel worse. But that's ok, like I said I know I would meet with the likes of people like that.

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FolderWife

Well, jerseygirl, I've been (and am) where you are. I trusted my husband completely. I believed him when he said he wasn't ordering Playboy. Then I believed him when he said the playboy I found under the sink was "his uncle's" I believed in him, when he asked me how to delete the stuff he'd been looking at so no one would see. I believed in him whenenver I'd find porn sites all over the computer, and he said that it must've been some advertisement, because he didn't look at porn. I believed him when I got a porn site password in my e-mail that was deleted 3 hours later. I believed in him.

 

THEN I DISCOVERED COOKIES!!!

 

He lied to me for MONTHS! He couldn't have sex with me, because he was so exhausted from jacking off to porn! He promised never to do it again, and I found it again. He promised to never do it again, and I found it again. I started looking for it

 

When he took the hammer to the computer, I thought it was FINALLY over!....until I found a porn video in the VCR :mad: I checked with the cable company, only to find 8 PORNOS ORDERED IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS!!! He was lying to me AGAIN!

 

I don't trust him. I've told him that I don't trust him. he thinks I SPY on him. I tell him that I odn't have to spy on him, he leaves trails for me to follow!!! I was putting toilet paper under the sink, and found his magazine. He was clearing out the history, because HE ASKED ME TO, so we could give our old computer to my parents. I believed him for MONTHS when he said he wasn't looking at porn, and didn't know why he couldn't get or keep an erection.

 

When I found all the cookies from the porn sites he'd joined, and was looking at while I was at work, or church, or IN BED, I got so sick. I didn't trust him, so I didn't TELL him about cookies. To this day he asks me how I kept finding the porn, and I'll look him in the eye, and lie to him.

 

I don't trust him, and I dont' believe in him. If he tells me where he's been, I take it with a grain of salt. I don't go checking up on him, because like always before, I'll find out ACCIDENTLY.

 

Occasionally, like you, I'll get the sneaky feeling that something's up with him, and I'll just keep my eyes open. I don't have to spy on the computer any more, because we don't HAVE a computer any more. I still watch the cable bill.

 

I've had a sneaky suspicion that he's borrowing porn from his friends or something, but I haven't got any evidence as of late. He isn't acting weird like he usually does, and I haven't seen anything odd. Obviously, though, I've got my guard up, because I'm not interested in being blindsided again :(

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FolderWife

P.S. The only advice I can give you, is to try and not let it bother you. Do like he says, and dont' check up on him, and trust that he's not doing anything. What you don't know won't hurt you.

 

If you think he's looking at porn, that could be the cause for his low libido. My husband had that same problem, and it was due soley to porn.

 

I understand checking up on him, because you NEED to know that his lack of sex drive is NOT YOU. I also understand your need to check up on him, so you won't be suprised when you find something. You don't want to feel like the fool. You don't want to act foolish, and have your husband sneak up on you with something that will hurt you.

 

I don't condone checking, because I like my privacy too. I don't know what these men EXPECT when they lie right to our face, and then we "catch" them...in my case, unintentionally. Whatever, though. If I spent money, and lied to my husband's face about it, then he showed me the statement with the PROOF that I'd spent money, do you think I'd expect him to believe me when I told him that I didn't spend money any more???

 

I understand our husband's pov too, however. I snuck and called a boy at the age of 16, and my mom HOUNDED ME TO DEATH about it. She'd never let me do anything, because "she couldn't trust me" she'd never believe a word I said, because "I was such a good liar." It got to the point, where I was MISERABLE.

 

I honestly think that when these men promise to never lie again, they genuinely mean it. I know they don't want us to not trust them, and I know they love us, so ....*sigh*...I don't know what the answer is.

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monday-i am exactly where you are. explain to me about cookies. he made a promise to me (we both agreed to stop looking at internet porn - i kept my end of the promise, he didn't). he lied to me over a period of months about it. the only way i think i can regain trust is to see proof that he isn't looking on the internet. then i will know he is not lying, because i obviously cant believe anything he says now. porn is fine-i bought videos and everything so he wouldn't have to lie. but he still did. what is it about the internet? i am fine with porn it is the lying that i refuse to take. and if he makes a promise to me (like with the internet porn) i expect him to keep it. doesnt he want me to be honest and keep promises? do guys ever put the shoe on the other foot? or do they only think about themselves? we have such a good relationship, but he doesnt ever put himself in my shoes. he can be selfish (which is just plain immature)...

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Originally posted by jerseygirl40

Also as a note, my husband lost his job in January, is still unemployed and is on the computer a good part of the day, on these boards, which hasn't helped he has so much time on his hands.

 

To me, it seems he's depressed. He suddenly has alot of time on his hands that he has to fill anyway he can in order to make himself feel better. Hence his sudden computer addiction. It's his way of feeling "productive" since work is null. In the mean time you are going through your own insecurity issues too. Each of you is feeling a bit "inadequate" or insecure in some form. When one is recently laid off and out of work it's depressing. But not admitting how deep the depression and feelings of inadequacy go; that is playing a big factor here...

 

His addiction to the internet can definately be unnerving to you but you are not responding to it well. The internet is a sneaky and tempting place when a defeated man isn't paying attention to the spam, the tricks and everything else. Instead of inspecting everything he does on the internet, ask him if he's been to flipdog or monster lately and let the rest go. You're jealousy and rage will push him away. Instead encourage him to find work, and try not to be locked up in the house together too much. Cabin fever is unhealthy for even the most lovingest folks on earth in my opinion. Try to stop yourselves from spiraling into a whirlpool of dysfunction.

 

I agree with the many others that you definately need counseling or you each just need to reflect on the fact that the both of you are going through some life hurdles that can either be overcome or drive you apart, depending on each of you.

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Sometimes when I read Questions on this forum, I'm drawn to read other people's responses. I refrained from that this time so that I would be able to give you my un bias opinion.

 

Trust has to be earned. He was afraid of your response the first time you asked him about his steriod use. So he chose instead to lie to you. As far as what else he has lied about, I have to say he lied out of fear that he would never hear the end of it from you.

 

Have you ever thought that his lying is a direct reaction that you caused? I mean, I used to fib to my wife just so that I wouldn't have to go through a long lecture or butt chewin'. I've come to realize the consequences of lying are far worse than just telling the truth right out. It took me some time to re-gain her trust again just like it's going to take you some time too.

 

 

But for crying out loud, give him a chance to re-gain your trust. It seems like a lot of people on here throw therapy at everyone for every problem. I don't agree with that. Just give him time to learn how to tell the truth and stop putting him in a state of fear from you. Help him to know that by telling you the truth you will be open and not lash out at him the first chance you get.

 

Good Luck,

 

Moose

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FolderWife

YES!einaphets! I wouldn't have minded him looking at porn at ALL, I don't think, if he'd just been honest with me. Why does he have to lie??? I lied to my Mom, because she refused time and again to let me have a boyfriend. I don't think I'd care if hubby looked at porn, but he didn't give me a chance! SECRETS SECRETS SECRETS!

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Moose

 

I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend, like you, being afraid to tell me the truth because of how I react to him. We are in the process of working on gaining back a lot of the trust that was lost because of this, but he still lies about little things such as who he talked to on the phone or whether he picked up something from the store that I asked him too (didn't want to let me down..).

 

We are both young, 22, so sometiems Iw onder if it is immaturity or if he just will never stop the little lies...I was wondering how did your wife show you that it is ok for you to tell the truth, and that she won't react the way you were once afraid of? I know I can only tell him so much, but I really want to show him becuase actions speak much louder than words and I can say all I want about how I will react, but unless he sees it, I'm not sure he will tell the truth.

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Smucks,

It was one of those times I'll never forget. She just took both of my hands and led me over to the kitchen table, and looked me straight in the eyes and told me. And I could tell from the look on her face and her eyes that what she said was sincere. She just said, "Dennis, I love you and I just want you to know that I know you're human and make mistakes, I do too. But know this, you never have to lie to me. I will understand and live with your short comings, that is what I vowed when I married you." I was soooo shocked!!! I told her that I fib just to save face and not get in trouble.

 

With her explaining to me that she only got upset because she caught me in a lie, and how it made her feel, I began to understand that telling the truth would be less painfull on her. She also said that if she did lash out on me that she would take a walk and calm down and make it up to me, ( In a way I saw fit ) :D So with her willing to own up to her own mistakes of lashing out, I knew that I could tell her the truth and if she did yell at me that she had a price to pay.

 

Of course, she never has lashed out at me since then, ( Afraid of what I'd make her do to make up for it ). So give your boyfriend the same scenario. I'm not promising it'll work, but if you love him, ( and it sounds to me like you do ), then you would be willing to pay for your mistakes as well.

 

Good Luck!!!

Moose

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FolderWife

Good idea Moose! I've since started fibbing to my husband. I see no sense in being truthful to him, when he lies and lies and lies. I used to tell him everything. Especially about any moneys I spent, and I'd always have to hear, "Quit wasting MONEY!" and then deal with him stewing for three hours. Finally, I just started lying about how much money went into our account. If I got paid $450, I only wrote down $400, so I had $50 to spend, without his nagging. I didn't used to do that, but I figure if he can lie to me whenever he feels like it, then I'm not going to put up with his nagging, if I can just fib out of it.

 

I promised myself the other day that I was going to stop the fibbing, and I ended up lying to him about something, and not even realizing it, until 20 minutes later!

 

I guess if you get in the habbit of hiding some things, it's hard to break :(

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Monday,

Yeah, hard habits are hard to break, it took me awhile to be 110% honest with my wife, but it'll get easier for you. As far as lying about how much you're puttinng into the account, well, my wife justifies that because she did it too. Of course, she doesn't work, so what she would do is buy something for herself with my money just because I spend money on my luxuries.

 

Now mind you, I spent money on my alcohol, cigarettes and that type of stuff......I don't blame her, afterall, you have to spend more money on that stuff anyway, ( Sin Taxes ).

 

But what is your reasoning? What is your husband lying about anyways? Does he splurge on himself?

 

I ask these things because I could easily turn things like Ice Cream, Chocolate, gas for her to run around around with her Mom most of the week into balancing out my splurges. Of course, I think now she understands because she always asks me what she can or cannot do with our money each pay period.

 

I'm very happy to hear that you're working your fibs to your husband. Not to sound like a mind reader, but are you and your husband in tune with your marriage? Just curious....

Moose

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FolderWife

My husband lies and hides his porn. As of late, I don't THINK he's looking, but then again there have been at least ten times that I haven't thought he was looking at porn, only to discover he'd been looking at it for a month or longer. So that's all he lies about that I KNOW of.

 

After about the 5th time I caught him lying to me, I stopped confessing my spending habits, because I figure why should I listen to him lecture, when I could just do him the way he does me? So I fibbed.

 

I work full time, and bring home $1000 a month. My husband brings home 4X that much. However, I drive a 99 Jeep, and he drives a 2003 Mustang. He has a $1000 TV, and I have a $100 TV. Etc Etc. I got sick of every cent I spend going into our account to pay bills that he accumulated before we ever met, when he had all of the nicer stuff. He's told me flat out that if I ever divorce him, that I'm not going to get anything, because all of the stuff is in his name (read, my jeep, and my tanning bed). I got fed up, and every so often, I'd go buy some nice things. I wasn't racked with bills like I was before I married him, so I figured we could afford it. Sometimes I'd end up spending money before he'd pay the bills, and then he'd throw a fit, because "bills come first". I feel like I'm paying for HIS things. I feel like if I leave, every penny I've put into HIS bills will be lost, because everything is in HIS name. I started feeling like, "Forget you, you lying pervert. You want to look at porn, and exclude me, and deny me sex, because you are selfishly getting off on other women's bodies, yet if I get fed up and leave, I don't get anything??? Bull CRAP!" And you wouldn't BELIEVE how much money I wasted on ebay in a three month period. Once I realized that I was out of control, I started to work on myself. I would toss the credit card statments when they came, because I didn't want him to see the $1000 a month I was blowing.

 

EEK! I decided that a step in the right direction, would to quit using the theory, ~you do it to me, I do it to you~ and start working on our marriage. If he lies, then I start lying, then he thinks it's OK to lie, and continues to lie more. He asks me to stop spending money, and I ask him to not look at porn. He looks at porn, so I spend money!

 

My mom always said that if my dad did something she didn't like, and she asked him to stop, and he ignored her, she'd do it to him, to give him a taste of his own medicine, and then he'd stop doing whatever it was she didn't like, because he didn't like it being done to her.

 

So that's how I learned to get hubby to quit hurting me. It doesn't work on him, however, because he couldn't care less what I do, and he NEVER sees what I'm doing as a reflection of what he does.

 

So why stoop to his level?

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That's a bummer...sorry, but I feel like he should be responsible for all of the monthly bills and you should be able to spend your money on whatever you want. My wife hasn't had a job in over 16 years!!! What is wrong with men these days? Men are suppossed to be the provider of the family!!! I'd feel guilty if my wife worked!!

 

She's thought about getting a job before but I told her I'd feel more comfortable if my kids were raised by her and not the neighbor....that's just the way I am. I do not tell her she CAN'T get a job, I just let her know how I feel about it. She chooses to be sensitive to my wishes and that's the right way to go about it.

 

And another thing, you talk about your jeep, his car, your TV and his TV......sorry, but everything on and in our property of 3 acres belongs to each and every one of us within the family...yeah, I bought everything, but we are to be a unit....there is no seperate entity.....that's just wrong of him to think that it's all his stuff....and trust me, if you two ever did decide to get a divorce, it doesn't matter who's name is on what.....you'll get your share, I know this because my brother is an attorney....your husband is sadly mistaken.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts, and I don't expect everyone to agree....but hey....it's America so I guess it's ok to express my opinion.

 

Good Luck

Moose

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jerseygirl40

hi guys, thank you all for your advice and I take heed to it. Monday, you have far worse problems than I, and I wish you the best with it. I feel for you. You will work it out, just don't ever sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy and content. Clarity, thanks for your words of wisdom, your words make sense and was well put. Your right about being bored and I am out working full time and get frustrated when I come home and he's put alot of time on the computer when there is things that could be done. I still come home and clean, cook, run the kids, etc. I feel overwhelmed with stress just in that alone. I feel he could do more, but no, I don't nag about that. I do get frustrated andn ask him to do more, but he usually doesn't. He is home, I work, I deserve a break. He is a generally good guy. He doesn't mean harm. We all make mistakes, but I am big on the trust. Which comes to Moose, thanks for your words of advice. They are well spoken and it sounds like you have been down that road. Funny, I didn't lecture him about his choice, it was that he lied. I don't think it was the smartest thing for him to do, experiment, but he is a grown man to make that choice, but he does have a family to consider. But I will learn,am learning to let go of it and rebuild trust. I hope it works, I am sure it will. But thanks again for your help. I wish you all the best..

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This issue is so upsetting to me. It seems like such a power trip for the man to be on. Of course his wife is going to feel insecure and unattractive when he's putting all his sexual energy into something else. I feel sorry for women that have to go through anything like this, including myself who is currently going through this! It takes two mature people to get through and the only answer is therapy.

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