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The softer side of a marriage going bad....or not.


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FolderWife

My husband jumps on me over any tiny little thing (such as letting the screen door slam, because I'm trying to hold on to my little dog's leash).

 

We went to visit his uncle yesterday. Well, when we arrive, my husband hops out of the car, and heads to the door. I'm stuck trying to get me, my purse, and our little dog out of the car, and into the house. Our little dog LOVES my husband, so of course as soon as my husband is out of the car, the little dog is barking, and squirming to try and catch him.

 

My husband goes inside without any thought or care for anyone else, and as soon as I go throught the door, the dog is all tangled around my leg and barking. I'm trying to shush him (because my husband gets mad at me if the dog barks....like I can do anything about it) and get in the house, and in my effort to handle all of this, the screen door bams shut. I didn't even notice. He did. He got angry, and started talking throught gritted teeth, cussing me because I let the door slam. He had this mad look like he was going to kill me. I just let the dog go, and went down the hall to hide from him.

 

I've been in a depressed state lately, because of all the troubles I've been having with him, and now this. I avoided him most of the visit. I was angry at him for being mad at me and blaming me for everything all the time.

 

Later, the whole family was at the table, and his aunt started telling a story about his mom abusing my husband's half sister. They were talking about how the state has her now, and they've got her in counselling. My husband's mom left him and his brother and dad when my husband was 11 or 12. He won't talk about anything to do with her.

 

His aunt started in on this story of how his mom invited them over for lasagna, and how she gave them HUGE portions, and gave my husband and his brother portions smaller than her hand. She started to tell how she shared her HUGE portion with my husband, and I was looking at her, then she said my husband's name, and ran over an hugged him. I turned around, and when she let him go, he had tears rolling down his face. I wanted to grab him and hold him, and make him stop crying, but I knew that the tough guy he is, he wouldn't want me to make a scene. He put his head down on the table, between his arms, and cried. I just sat there crying, and rubbing his head.

 

It ripped my heart out! I never had anything against his mom, and I've only seen her once. My husban'ds aunt and uncle would always tell stories of how she'd cook herself a meal, and make them eat cereal. I just thought they were angry at her because she abandoned them. My mom never cooked. So the idea that she had her kids eat cereal never seemed like a huge deal to me. I ate cereal, and I was a happy kid.

 

When I saw how her subtle abuse effected him, though, it all came crashing together. How can I be angry at him, when he's so hurt and messed up inside!

 

When he finally quit crying, he and his uncle walked outside, his aunt was through the kitchen somewhere, and I just sat there trying to stop crying. His aunt walked over to me and said, "Don't you let him take this out on you. I had a messed up childhood too."

 

When his aunt and uncle went outside to check the grill, my husband gave me a biiiiiiig hug, and told me that he loved me. It seemed like all the hurt I was feeling vanished. I was beginning to doubt that I even loved him any more. It seemed like I was miserable, and he wasn't making any effort to help me. In fact, anything he said to me was something negative towards me.

 

At least now I know I love him....hopefully we can work from there.

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lovelyrita

I totally understand what you just explained.

 

My husband and I were fighting so bad that we got to talking about divorce. I was a wreck. Part of the fight stemmed from him being quite rude to his mother.

 

His mother found out what was going on and called me. she told me why their relationship suffered so much. Her husband left her for another woman when she got pregnant with my husband. He wasn't ready to be a father. He came crawling back begging her to not to divorce him 3 months before my honey was born. She was a broken woman and quite angry when my husband was young. She mellowed out. I never saw that angry side to her. My husband had to deal with it for years.

 

Much like your situation. It doesn't make it right for your husband to take it out on you. But isn't it nice to understand that there is a reason. That it is not just beacause he wants to hurt you. It has a name now you have something besides your husband to attack. A past can be over come.

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FolderWife

Thank you for your post! Yes, that's exactly how I feel! I couldn't quite put my finger on why it made me feel better to realize how much pain his in (it should make me feel worse!) but I felt closer to him, and I didn't know why.

 

Yes, it's because now I understand that he's not angry at me, he's lashing out because of his past. True that's no excuse for me to lay down and take it, but it's certainly a relief to know that my husband doesn't have all this anger towards me at all! I was aware that most of his problems with me probably had to do with his past, but I guess it didn't quite sink in until now.

 

Thank you!

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A lot of people with anger problems have them because of their rotten lives, particularly their rotten childhoods. It's good you've gotten to the source of his problems and that he allowed you to comfort him about them - some people in his situation shut people out and never let their distress be known. They pretend to themselves and others that nothing is wrong.

 

It is a crime what some parents do to kids and terribly sad how much damage that creates for them for the rest of their lives :(:mad:

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Monday, I'm glad you've made this discovery and been able to comfort him. I hope this opens the way to helping heal own wounds...both his own, and ones which may exist between you both.

Best of luck. :)

 

Anger usually does have a cause, and often it is not the person at whom the anger is directed.

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Thank you for your story. My husband went through a bad childhood too, and has often stated that he fears I will desert him, so I have at times felt that was the reason he treats me bad, so when I leave him(as he thinks I will) it wont hurt so bad. I wanna stick it out with him, but it is getting me down and I am becoming depressed, but I keep reassuring him I will not leave him or do him wrong, but it seems the harder I try the more he pushes me away and I dont knwo what to do.

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FolderWife

tiff: I have to remind myself all the time that his anger isn't towards me. He can get so scared. I am getting to the point of knowing the difference between angry and scared.

 

My husband often pushes me away too. I think they are subconciously afraid to allow themselves to be close to us, because they are afraid that we'll hurt them. They push us away, so we'll leave, because that's what they think we are going to do any way.

 

I used to push people away like that.

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I think they are subconciously afraid to allow themselves to be close to us, because they are afraid that we'll hurt them. They push us away, so we'll leave, because that's what they think we are going to do any way.

 

:(

 

 

It's so, so sad. I wish I had a magic wand that could take away all the pain. At least if people could grow up without such wounds, that would be something. They could still encounter difficulties and pain later in life, but having so much pain in childhood is no way to live a life. :(

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