Jump to content

General Male Mail Question.


Recommended Posts

FolderWife

When I was growing up, my mom paid the bills. Any envelope that came to our house was opened by her. Even the stuff that had my dad's name on it was opened, because it was just a bill.

 

Here where I work, the boss has mail that comes in her husband's name, and she opens it.

 

I pay the bills where I work. My husband paid his bills long before we ever got married, so when we got married, we just decided to let him handle the bills, since he already had a system that worked for him....even though I pay bills professionally :p

 

Anyhoo, when we got married, I asked if he cared if I opened mail with his name on it. He said yes. I fully expected him to say no.

 

I work full time to help support us, so I'd like to know how much money we are forking over for electricity and stuff. I tend to go shopping, and overspend, because I don't know how much we are going to spend on bills, because he won't let me see them. If I open a bill (even if it is in MY name) he gets upset.

 

I am just used to married couples not caring if the other opens their mail or not...whoopty doo. I don't guess I particularly WANT to open his mail, it's just the fact that I'm not ALLOWED to open his mail....even though I'm working full time to help pay for whatever is in the envelope.

 

Should I just change my old fashioned ways of thinking it's ok for married couples to open mail addressed to their spouse (I wouldn't mind if he opened mail with my name on it at all) or should I be just a little bothered by the fact that I'm not to open his mail?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bluechocolate

Have all the services that you jointly pay for placed in both of your names. If you're helping to pay for these things then you have a right to see the bills. You should also have a joint bank account that is used to pay for these bills.

 

Personally I don't open my partners mail and wouldn't like it one bit if they opened mine. We've been living together for 5 years now and not once has either one of us done that. We have a joint bank account and most of the bills come out of that through direct debits - so no cheques to write there and either one of us can see the withdrawls when we choose to do so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

I don't know about what you *should* be feeling, but it would bother me if I was told that I was not allowed to open the mail. I would be suspiscous that he was spending money on something that he didn't want me to know about!

 

I used to always pay the bills in my marriage but when my husband became disabled and then depressed because he wasn't contributing I happily handed over that responsibility to him and I have not missed it since! :)

 

Unless something is marked PERSONAL, or ONLY TO BE OPENED BY....., then I don't see it as a big deal to open a bill. You have every right to know where your money is going.

 

Why does he say it bothers him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11

What hit me the most in your post was your stating that he won't even allow you to open mail that's addressed to YOU! Yikes, that doesn't sound good or normal to me.

 

I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes. When I was married, there was an unwritten understanding that it was okay to open things like bills. And if there was mail addressed to him that wasn't obviously a bill, I'd damn well not feel the least bit wrong to open it :) ..and he'd have been more than free do the same with me. There shouldn't be any "power struggles" or "secrets" in a marriage.

 

I wonder if your husband is being this way because he's trying to exert some sort of power over you? To control you? Or does he maybe have something to hide??

 

You have every damn right in the world to be able to review the bills......because as you said, you're not only his WIFE, but you financially contribute to this marriage. Truth be told, I'd be all the more wanting to open the bills now, given his behavior, because it would cause me to suspect that perhaps he's got something to hide......like expenses he doesn't want you to know about. Eg) phone numbers on your long distance phone bill that he'd have to "explain" or strange charges on your credit cards statements that he'd have to explain.

 

Have you actually asked him why he's being so one-sided and secretive here?

 

What would he do (to you) if you DID open up the bills?

 

How is your relationship otherwise?

 

Is he controlling in other ways? Has he ever cheated? Do you feel you can trust him totally?

 

If he wants to play this game, I guess something you could do would be to get your own separate checking acct.........and let Mr Top Secret do his own thing....then at least you know what you're spending and how much is left. And if there's any bill that's in your name, you damn well stand up for yourself and open it if you like........

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FolderWife

He doesn't say why it bothers him. He just says, "That's a bill! You don't need to see it, I pay the bills!"

 

Of course, I try to respect him, and not open the bills. The cable bill is in my name, so I know the reason he doesn't want me to open that particular bill, is because he has ordered pay per view, and he doesn't want to get "caught". That being said, the cable bill came today, and I am fully aware that he's ordered at least 7 pornos this month. Should I open it and torture myself, or should I just hand it over to him, and keep my mouth shut?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bluechocolate

If the cable is in your name then you should open it. After all, if for whatever reason he doesn't pay it they're going to come after you! He shouldn't get angry at you for opening mail that is in your name.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FolderWife

Yeah.

 

I need to clarify..I didn't say something right: He gets angry if I open "his" mail, but when I open the Cable bill, he makes a point of telling me not to open it, because it's a bill. I say, "It has my name on it." then he says, "So! It's a bill! You don't need to open the bills, I pay the bills!"

 

I guess that could be considered angry. bah :bunny:

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11

Not that you should *have to*, but why aren't you demanding to be treated like an equal in this partnership/marriage? It seems you're just lying down and taking his control over you. He's not your mother, he's not your father, you're not his child.

 

You're not just some one night stand who has no business with the bills and mail..you're his wife, for crying out loud. By just sitting back and letting him disrespect you like this, you're sending him a loud and clear message that he can boss you around and call the shots.

 

I can't even imagine a marriage like this.

 

Neither can I imagine a husband telling me what i can or can't do, when it comes to mail and bills, for heaven's sake! You don't need his freaking permission here. This isn't about you being submissive to him in an attempt to show him "respect"...this is about you accepting his treating you like someone who's not an equal in this marriage.

 

You work a full time job.......you contribute, I'm assuming, pretty fairly to the running of the household and paying of the bills. Yet you want to cower to him and live in the dark just to avoid upsetting him or disobeying him? He has no RIGHT to tell you that you're not allowed to open up the bills.

 

Don't you, as an adult who works full time (and hard, I would imagine), want to SEE where the money is being spent? Don't you think you owe it to yourself to see where your money is going? What if you were to find out he's spending $400 a month on 1-900 (porn) lines? Or calling up some old ex? Or racking up a few hundred dollars a month on the credit card, for things that he can't account for/can't explain?

 

Do you enjoy living in the dark like this? You're not even being financially wise to just let him have all the control and power here.

 

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
FolderWife

I did open a seperate checking account once. It's still in effect as of late. He's really funny about things.

 

I see his pay check and stub..in fact, I'm the one that deposits it. So I know how much money he has. Also, I've gotten sick of wondering where the money has gone, so a couple of times, I HAVE opened the phone bill to see if there were any weird expenses. None. I opened the credit card bill three months in a row. Nothing. Everything had been equally accounted for. I open the cable bill (since it's in my name) and I found 2 pay per views one month that I didn't get upset about.

 

I do wonder, however, if maybe he's hiding how much the electric bill is so he can jack it up to hide other money's he's wasted. One month, I went as far as opening the bills after he'd PAID them, to see how much money it was. It matched everything written in the check book.

 

I don't just roll over and take it, I guess. He's so damn touchy, though, it's easier just to not make him mad! So I have to sneak myself.

 

yep, I'm guilty of checking up on him, to make sure he's not wasting money on something he shouldn't be. I haven't caught him in anything other than porn, and that's bearable.

 

So I don't think he's hiding anything...I don't know what his deal is. Maybe he thinks that by me opening his mail, I'm checking up on him. Honestly, I'd just like to see how much money we are spending, so I'll know when I can go shopping again!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've only lived a couple of years with my ex, we weren't married, so I am not talking from my experience as a MW.

 

But:

 

Are you paying for all of his expenses too? Than you'd better have a talk with him.

 

You both have only one fix source of income - your salary. See how much the expenses are (bills for electricity, phone etc), extract the monthly amount from it and then decide together how to devide the rest.

 

Tell him that since you're the only one getting paid he should be spending within the limits of a certain amount of money - you both could agree on it. He is a big boy, he knows how much he spends on the average. And just to make him feel more comfortable, add the cable to his list - I didn't hear you say you were watchin' 7 channels of porn! He wants it? He pays for it!

 

I mean it's not fair - he gets to buy whatever he wantswith your money but still, you can't do the same 'cause it makes him feel bad... This isn't even childish, it's manipulating, because . SO settle the boundries, once and for all. Then he'll have all the mail on his name for himself 'cause he's gonna be the one managing his money.

 

And don't be generous! Be fair!

 

That's how I see it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11

Curly's response to you was interesting. It seems she took it that you're the only one working in your marriage. I must have missed that, so I went back and re-read..and I read that part where you said you're working full time to support you both. Does this mean that he doesn't work, yet he has the audacity to freak when you open the bills that YOUR MONEY is paying??

 

And if that's correct, why the heck isn't he working? How long has he been unemployed?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Should I just change my old fashioned ways of thinking it's ok for married couples to open mail addressed to their spouse (I wouldn't mind if he opened mail with my name on it at all) or should I be just a little bothered by the fact that I'm not to open his mail?

 

This seems to be a molehill waiting to be a mountain. Don't make it a mountain. You open your mail, he opens his. You wanna see his mail, ask first. He says no, then ask why not?

 

I'll show you mine if you show me yours?

 

Forgettaboutit,

There's more important battles to fight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11
Originally posted by Samson

This seems to be a molehill waiting to be a mountain. Don't make it a mountain. You open your mail, he opens his. You wanna see his mail, ask first. He says no, then ask why not?

 

I'll show you mine if you show me yours?

 

Forgettaboutit,

There's more important battles to fight.

 

First of all, just because this isn't a big deal to you, doesn't mean it isn't one. It's obviously something that bothers her, so to patronize her by telling her to "forget about it" is kinda rude, no?

 

Did you even read her posts? He doesn't even want her to open bills addressed to HER. He's a total mail-nazi. They're not roommates here, she's not his daughter..she's his partner in life, his wife. She should be free to open whatever f*cking bill she wants to..afterall, it's her money that's going to pay for it. Shouldn't she be able to SEE where it's going??

Link to post
Share on other sites

Number one cause of arguments (and this surprised me as I would have put sex up there), but apparently the biggest cause of arguuments (I read somewhere about 40%) is money. A third of all couples site money management as their primary problem.

 

I'm not for one minute suggesting that you or your good man are anywhere near breakup - as samuel said, it's more of a molehill than a mountain, BUT since disagreements about money are less a probability so much as an undeniable fact of life it seems logical to me that couples devise a plan of action and stick to it. Your 'don't touch the bills' plan does seem somewhat imbalanced as it denies the possibility of agreement since there is no consultation but you did agree to this and the point isn't so much method (I should think there are as many different ways of managing household finances as couples) as AGREEMENT of method (along with a certain degree of flexibility should circumstances change).

 

I don't see that your method isn't workable (lots of couple have just one that pays/oversees the bills) and on the good side it provides you the opportunity to trust your husband completely and him the opportunity to 'take care of things', thus satisfying his 'bill feitish' but if in the light of the fact that you are left in a somewhat vulnerable position not knowing the financial situation of your household and you want to 're-negotiate' why not just sit down with him and discuss it.

 

Yes, equal partners should stick to their side of the 'agreement' (and I'd guess that will be your husbands first reaction if you chose to object) but they should also be able to voice their legimate concerns and not be shouted down or ignored.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11
Originally posted by Reckless

Yes, equal partners should stick to their side of the 'agreement' (and I'd guess that will be your husbands first reaction if you chose to object) but they should also be able to voice their legimate concerns and not be shouted down or ignored.

 

Just because they mutually agreed that he'd handle (as in ensure things were paid on time, etc) the bills doesn't mean he has the right to not "allow" her to view them. My God, he doesn't even want her opening up bills addressed to her. Can we say control-freak or guilty of something?

 

In most households, there's one person who's usually better at handling the bills, balancing the checkbook, etc..............but I have never heard of a situation where one person won't even ALLOW their spouse to open the flippin' mail. That is bizarre beyond words.

 

She has a very valid reason to want to see the bills. He apparently doesn't communicate with her how much is going "out of the home" on bills, and therefore she admits she overspends because she has no idea how much $ is available for shopping. If anything, she's trying to be informed so that she prevents this from happening.

 

This doesn't sound at all about an "issue with money"....it sounds more like an issue with him wanting to dominate over her. There's no place in a marriage for power struggles and trying to control your spouse.......he is not treating her as an equal in this matter at all. She's not trying to take over his "job" of managing the bills...she just wants to have the freedom to open up the bills to see what's up, if she so chooses.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seems to me this is not the only control issue going on in this relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just simply answering the call for advise, befuddled: if you choose to waste space and time trying to moderate me, the go right ahead.

 

I'll stand by my original response: don't look for molehills to make into mountains.

Who opens the freakin' mail = molehill.

Spending money = mountain.

 

Pick your battles. IMHO, battling over who opens mail is a waste of energy. Perhaps another would duel to the death over the letter opener, but I'd urge anyone so inclined to have second thoughts, perhaps after having a nice valium.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You may recall the 'privacy' thread that was here a while ago. Some people get REALLY protective of their privacy. However I have to agree that forbidding you to open your OWN mail is a tad much. I'm sure, Samson, you'd take kindly to being ordered to not open mail addressed to you :cool:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I secretly visit the mailbox before anyone else can get to it. Sometimes I've missed work hiding in the bushes waiting for the mail man to arrive so I can segregate my mail. During the winter when leaves do not provide enough cover, I've had to become quite inventive at times, disguising myself as a large sheep dog or small car. Sometimes I'll even PAY someone else to check it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird

I don't know...His issue with you not opening the bills would bother me, if I were in your shoes. Being blind is not good. I'm not saying he is doing anything now or planning to, but being in the dark about the bills and the financial situation would not sit well with me.

 

In my household, I pay the bills. My H doesn't open the mail or even bother to look at it, unless is "personal" - like cards or whatever. If it's "personal" we don't open each other's mail but any bill with my or his name, just goes right on my desk.

 

I have the opposite problem from you.. H is not interested in the least about the money. He only wants to know when he is ready to buy something if we have enough money for it, and he always takes me at my word. I set up all our accounts on Microsoft money and made files and a master list of all the account info, addresses, phone numbers, etc for our creditors and bills.. He is so uninterested, it makes me a little nervous. More life insurance? "Up to you, sweetie" How do we handle these retirement accounts? "Up to you, sweetie." GRRRRR!! I told him if we ended up flat broke and homeless in our old age, he better not be upset about my bad decisions since I can't get any input from him.

 

And I would say to you what I say to my H... you have to know, period. What if something happened to him? You would have to be ready to step up to the plate and handle all the financial issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11
Originally posted by Samson

Just simply answering the call for advise, befuddled: if you choose to waste space and time trying to moderate me, the go right ahead.

 

I'll stand by my original response: don't look for molehills to make into mountains.

Who opens the freakin' mail = molehill.

Spending money = mountain.

 

Pick your battles. IMHO, battling over who opens mail is a waste of energy. Perhaps another would duel to the death over the letter opener, but I'd urge anyone so inclined to have second thoughts, perhaps after having a nice valium.

 

Obviously, Samson, deeper issue, or concern here, escapes you. It's what his refusal to let her own up the FREAKING BILLS signifies.......even going so far as to not allowing her to open up bills addressed to her. That is insane. It's a flippin' bill already, not some torrid loveletter. So is it really about the "bills" or is it about something else? Control? Trying to hide something? Subtle mental abuse?

 

Ahhh, forget it. You're the only one who doesn't seem to see the bigger picture here, but that's okay.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't mind at all not opening any mail with his name on it. Any, personal, bill, loveletter! As long as he takes care of it! Personal or bill!

 

Should he be in the position to actually go and earn some money and take it off my head, by all means, do have your privacy!

 

But, Samson, it's not about the mail. IT's about his spending her money, without letting her know the amount. The salary - her salary in the only source of income.

This is not a privacy matter. This is a man who's being paid by his woman - nothing unmanly there - and who rudely wants to keep her in the dark about his spending.

 

Sorry, but she seems more intitled do allow herself an extra pair of expensive shoes since she earns the money than him some extra channels of fun.

 

There is nothing about mail here. There is everything about taking advantage of a situation, using the fact that the other person trusts him and wanting to get away with it - this is where the mail comes in! The mail it's merely his mean of escape.

 

I understand that he didn't do anything suspicious but he sure acts like that. I'm repeating myself, put this issue out in the open and solve it, 'cause it's not such big of a deal after all! If you don't, be sure he'll do the same in other areas - they learn really fast about how women work. I'd hate it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Reckless

if in the light of the fact that you are left in a somewhat vulnerable position not knowing the financial situation of your household and you want to 're-negotiate' why not just sit down with him and discuss it

 

Bf11: Yes, I would totally agree that there are definitely 'control issues' here and having read a number of Monday's posts, see that she would probably do well to address that aspect of their relationship to avoid resentment and anger building up; still 'balance of power' issues are always complicated and she does seem to have entered in a lop sided marriage of her own free will so I wonder if this submissiveness is something she wants/needs to some degree.

 

I'm not justifying anything (a man would have to step firmly back before he told me not to open any mail with my name on it), but that's just my point, she did not instinctively fight her corner on this and her agreeing in the first place says something as much about her as about her husband. Just as people repeatedly marry alcholic, abusive or overly controlling partners subconsiously forcing history to repeat itself, all this may bode ill for her future and it may not.

 

As you can see above, I did recognize the 'dangers' of their arrangement and advised that she talk about it - apart from being outraged and screaming 'fight, fight!! ' until she takes up arms, I'm not sure what else, in all practicality, could be said.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Originally posted by Reckless

 

I'm not justifying anything (a man would have to step firmly back before he told me not to open any mail with my name on it), but that's just my point, she did not instinctively fight her corner on this and her agreeing in the first place says something as much about her as about her husband. Just as people repeatedly marry alcholic, abusive or overly controlling partners subconsiously forcing history to repeat itself, all this may bode ill for her future and it may not.

 

MAybe to her, money wasn't such a big deal at first, which I totally understand. But then it helps to pay bills and other things, and she realized it, andnow she does care. To some people, money are simply the means, not "the thing", Monday included.

 

As you can see above, I did recognize the 'dangers' of their arrangement and advised that she talk about it - apart from being outraged and screaming 'fight, fight!! ' until she takes up arms, I'm not sure what else, in all practicality, could be said.

 

I think that's a bit of a stratch. IT's not like she's being beaten up and then serenely asks us "do you think it's wrong what he's doing?''! Money is only one issue in a marriage, so let's not blow it out of proportions.

 

Maybe she thought it wasn't such a big deal to worth having a fight over, as she knows she can trust him. On the other hand this aspect really bothers her, so even if it is an annoying fact of life, it would be wiser for her to confrunt him about it.

 

Again, the fact that she didn't untill now only proves that she is not centered on the financial aspect of life. I would not speculate on controll related problems. At least that's how I see it.

 

IT's only an irritating issue that needs to be solved, in my opinion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...