kipers Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 He thinks that I do not want to have sex, when I do it is pity sex. Every couple of months we get back to a point that we are fighting about it and it is always on a Monday about midnight when I have to be up and at work in the morning. He works nites Mon - Fri so we only have Sat and Sun together. Where we need to get in time with the kids, friends, ourselves and sex. We have it at least once during those two days, but on good weekends its 2 or 3 times. So this morning was that time. We have been together for 9 years and have both cheated. We have done counseling. For the most part we are doing really well. I am completely in love with and want to spend my complete life with him. I have accepted what he has done in the past and have decided to let it go. It upsets me, yes, but I can't dwell on it or it will destroy what we have built since then. I think before I speak because if I say something the wrong way or if it has a hint of sexual content he was take the wrong way. I don't rent or watch certain movies because I don't want him to read into it. We have a difference on opinion when it comes to sex. He feels that certain things should be shared with only the person that you love. I agree to a degree but I feel that sex is fun. I want to do things that I feel he would not take very well. I need advice on how to talk to him without him reading something other than wanting to experiment. You can read above how careful I have to be with things that I say and do! Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 Sounds like he is still hurt about you cheating on him. Yes it was done by both but apparently he hasn't let go yet. What kinda sexual adventures are you talking about? He would probably feel a big threat if another guy were to come into the mix and that's understandable. Most swingers have a very loving and tight bond with their mate. Trust is #1 in their relationship. If one doesn't want to do something, then it doesn't get done. You two need more than just sex with each other. How about actually going out on dates together? If you dont have quality time with each other (other than sex) then other things start to crumble. You end up just co-existing with each other and becoming sex buddies. Start by trying to do things you once did with him when you first met him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kipers Posted May 3, 2004 Author Share Posted May 3, 2004 That is it, we do go out on dates, we for the most part have a very open relationship. We talk, have wonderful conversations. Our problem always revolves around sex. I realize that he is not over it and honestly I don't think that he will ever which is okay but to some degree he needs to let go so we can move on together. I am not talking about wanting to bring other people in the mix. I am talking about just him and I trying things, being open, TALKING about it. But I just don't know how to get him to that point without him taking it the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Please read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It has great advice for mismatched sexual drives in couples, as well as advice for how to communicate about sex. One point: I was a bit confused by your post, even though I read it carefully two times. You seem to be vague on exactly what the differences are between the two of you. Is there any chance that you two have a simple misunderstanding going on, based on euphemisms and reluctance to talk openly? Perhaps a counselor could help you work through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Like Sole I was a bit confused by your vagueness. What is it you are reluctant to mention to your husband? He doesn't satisfy you sexually? You want sex more/less often? You want to try different postions? You think if you are specific for your needs he'd think you were hankering for your ex-lover? It's hard to make suggestions since you are not too clear what the problems is. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Could it be that one of the reasons you were unfaithful was this very issue? I think that you two should go to a marriage cousellor again. Why wasn't this discussed when you were in counselling before? I don't have direct experience myself but I would think that they deal with these kinds of issues all the time and they will facilitate the conversation for you so that you can both get over your reluctance to be truthful and open about what it is that you want and expect from each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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