SO Constantly Complains About Work

[chucksagent]

My SO constantly complains about work. Says she's the only one who does any work, and that all the other girls are lazy and don't work as hard.

 

It's really effecting her general enjoyment of life and mood.

 

She will come home with a scowl everyday and is rarely in a good mood and I KNOW it's mainly because of work. She even admits that she can't separate the two (aka leave work at work).

 

We have lived together for a few years now and never had this problem. The company has grown and they hired two new girl (as one who she liked who worked hard left).

 

I have a very stressful job myself and NEVER bring it home. I love her more than life itself and would NEVER consider leaving her or breaking up with her, because otherwise, she is the MOST amazing person I've ever met.

 

I just want to get any suggestions on how to fix this? Or if anyone else has had these experiences when living with/married to someone?

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

[MoonDrop]

Career satisfaction is a huge factor in peoples lives, and if its bad it can really affect all other facets of your life. Although you say you would never leave her, because other than that she is an amazing person. Do understand that life changes people, and since we spend half our lives at our jobs, our career satisfaction plays a huge role in how we turn out-- and our character plays a huge role in how we let it turn out.

 

The divorce rate is very high because although people intially wanted one another, over time and as life happened, these people changed and they no longer meshed well. Career, money, kids, family are all big factors that can break up a originally happy relationship.

 

If you really want a shot at this, you need to really encourage her to leave the position. She seems really negatively affected by her job, enough that sh cannot see anything else. over time this will really eat at her, and she will begin attacking you- only because she is so frustrated and has little patience. chances are the circumstances at her job won't change, and she will continue to grow more distant because she is consumed in her misery-- this will totally affect your relationship, and may very well break it.

 

Something to think about...

[Soxfaninfl]

My SO constantly complains about work. Says she's the only one who does any work, and that all the other girls are lazy and don't work as hard.

 

It's really effecting her general enjoyment of life and mood.

 

She will come home with a scowl everyday and is rarely in a good mood and I KNOW it's mainly because of work. She even admits that she can't separate the two (aka leave work at work).

 

We have lived together for a few years now and never had this problem. The company has grown and they hired two new girl (as one who she liked who worked hard left).

 

I have a very stressful job myself and NEVER bring it home. I love her more than life itself and would NEVER consider leaving her or breaking up with her, because otherwise, she is the MOST amazing person I've ever met.

 

I just want to get any suggestions on how to fix this? Or if anyone else has had these experiences when living with/married to someone?

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

 

She either should get a job at another company or see if she can get a job in a different department with different people if the company is large.

[serial muse]

My SO constantly complains about work. Says she's the only one who does any work, and that all the other girls are lazy and don't work as hard.

 

It's really effecting her general enjoyment of life and mood.

 

She will come home with a scowl everyday and is rarely in a good mood and I KNOW it's mainly because of work. She even admits that she can't separate the two (aka leave work at work).

 

We have lived together for a few years now and never had this problem. The company has grown and they hired two new girl (as one who she liked who worked hard left).

 

I have a very stressful job myself and NEVER bring it home. I love her more than life itself and would NEVER consider leaving her or breaking up with her, because otherwise, she is the MOST amazing person I've ever met.

 

I just want to get any suggestions on how to fix this? Or if anyone else has had these experiences when living with/married to someone?

 

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

 

The two things I bolded seem kind of contradictory...meaning, she says she can't leave work at work, but it seems that she did that just fine for years. She's just struggling to do it now.

 

It's not clear from your post how long this has been going on. What do you mean by "constantly", if you guys haven't had this problem before? Were these changes recent? Is it possible that she's just adjusting? Maybe this is just a blip? Have you sat down with her to talk about what's so much more troublesome now than in the past? Does she have a plan of action?

 

Seems to me like it's pretty simplistic for people just to say "she should leave her job". Seriously, people? That's kind of the nuclear option. Surely one could spend a little more time thinking about solutions. Maybe she just needs to talk it out with her SO, and know that he's willing to listen?

Edited February 28, 2013 by serial muse

[Shardish]

I am in a low paid job that I dislike and for the past few years it has really affected my enjoyment of life. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful I have a secure job with a steady income, but the place really winds me up and I bring home my frustrations. I'm seeking to get more qualifications so I can move on from this job and into a better one. I am also unhappy living home at 24 and I am saving as much money as possible so I can get my own home at some point in the future.

 

I think the best solution for your girlfriend is to move companies.

[FitChick]

Help her find another job.

[rocketman122]

so she complains about work. so what? what ever happened to being by her side and just listening and giving support. just shut up and make her feel better. all you want to hear is good things all the time? such a cry baby.

when my GF complains about her ex all the time how he doesnt do his part with their daughters, I support her, sympathize and listen without judging.

[Phoebe]

What does she do when she's not working? Does she have hobbies? Does she socialize a lot? I think that a balanced work / social life is important in not letting a job burn you out.

[chucksagent]

She does have other hobbies which is part of the problem - I will ask her "Are you rude to your girlfriend when you go to a movie?" "Are you rude to the girls at Yoga or Zumba?" "Are you rude when you go to the gym?" Like if she can put on her happy face for everyone else, but for me it's misery.

 

And please, I'm not being a CRY BABY. Of course you should be able to VENT to your SO. But venting or complaining is VERY different than being RUDE/MISERABLE/SHORT with someone. So come, get your head out of your butt man. "Don't be a cry baby." Moron.

 

There is a LARGE difference between sharing your day and PUNISHING someone because you had a bad day. The reason it's gotten bad lately is the new girls are lazy and don't do NEAR the work required and spills over onto my SO. BUT theyve been there for like 8 months so, so not exactly NEW. She's probably been miserable for at LEAST 4-6 months and just KEEPS getting worse.

[rocketman122]

She does have other hobbies which is part of the problem - I will ask her "Are you rude to your girlfriend when you go to a movie?" "Are you rude to the girls at Yoga or Zumba?" "Are you rude when you go to the gym?" Like if she can put on her happy face for everyone else, but for me it's misery.

 

And please, I'm not being a CRY BABY. Of course you should be able to VENT to your SO. But venting or complaining is VERY different than being RUDE/MISERABLE/SHORT with someone. So come, get your head out of your butt man. "Don't be a cry baby." Moron.

 

There is a LARGE difference between sharing your day and PUNISHING someone because you had a bad day. The reason it's gotten bad lately is the new girls are lazy and don't do NEAR the work required and spills over onto my SO. BUT theyve been there for like 8 months so, so not exactly NEW. She's probably been miserable for at LEAST 4-6 months and just KEEPS getting worse.

 

yes, you are a cry baby. instead of being a whining crying bitch about it, one sec, let me get you the tissue, then support her and help her get over it. I stick through with my partner, thick and thin. you get all bitchy about her complaining about work? thats something small. so wht to do when it gets worse, give up?

 

im not certain you dont understand her situation and I dont think youre being sympathetic enough which is maybe why shes getting more and more frustrated. cause I know when my GF gets pissed about my ex, I know how to calm her. first, I just grab her and give her a long hug. I always take her side and I joke about him and we laugh at him and things are fine. I take her side. sometimes shes so pissed so I tell her to go calm down and well talk in an hour. or I tell her lets go for a walk, or I take her right then to a cafe to drink and talk. but its obvious you dont know how to calm her. ur just a whiner when things get a little rough.

 

you know why I dont believe your post because your 4-6 months is a huge par. your innaccuracy says it all to me. you dont know how to help her. people give up so easily these days instead of standing by their partners. if you love her, stand by her and do whatever you can to help. thats why the divorce rate is so high. people are weak in the mind and heart and give up.

 

I love her more than life itself and would NEVER consider leaving her or breaking up with her, because otherwise, she is the MOST amazing person I've ever met.

 

really? then do what you can do to make her happy. help her instead of taking a defense.

[Els]

She does have other hobbies which is part of the problem - I will ask her "Are you rude to your girlfriend when you go to a movie?" "Are you rude to the girls at Yoga or Zumba?" "Are you rude when you go to the gym?" Like if she can put on her happy face for everyone else, but for me it's misery.

 

And please, I'm not being a CRY BABY. Of course you should be able to VENT to your SO. But venting or complaining is VERY different than being RUDE/MISERABLE/SHORT with someone. So come, get your head out of your butt man. "Don't be a cry baby." Moron.

 

There is a LARGE difference between sharing your day and PUNISHING someone because you had a bad day. The reason it's gotten bad lately is the new girls are lazy and don't do NEAR the work required and spills over onto my SO. BUT theyve been there for like 8 months so, so not exactly NEW. She's probably been miserable for at LEAST 4-6 months and just KEEPS getting worse.

 

Okay, your OP was reasonable, but this just sounds way over the top to me.

 

Firstly, PUNISHING you? Stop making this about you. I highly doubt that when someone comes back from work and had a crap day at it, they're being morose and unhappy because they want to PUNISH their partner.

 

Secondly, yes, if you are in a LTR with someone you ARE going to be the person who sees them at their worst when they are at their worst. People put on a happy facade for the people whom they aren't that close with because they have to, and they can't trust the other person to understand them when they vent. The saddest relationship is one where you have to put on the same facade that you put on for everyone else for your partner as well, and then you go hide in the bathroom and cry alone because you're afraid to let your partner see it. That sort of R? It never lasts.

 

That being said, she does need to learn to manage her stress in general and to switch off from work, or to consider other options such as a change in job/department if she can't manage that. The question is, how will you help her do that? Have you actually sat her down and had a helpful talk with her about her current lack of happiness and how you can help her switch off from work?

 

And no, I'm not defending her because she's a woman or any such sort of crap. I am sometimes in your position myself due to my partner's job. It's tough, but that's just life and you gotta deal with it. Together, if you want to stay together. Relationships aren't all rainbows and sparkles and it's best you learnt that now.

[Ruby Slippers]

Like if she can put on her happy face for everyone else, but for me it's misery.

No, for you it's the truth, because she trusts you and you're her man.

 

Whatever happened to being a strong shoulder your woman can cry/vent on?

 

Tell her to lay it all out there, let her vent for 5 minutes, then do something fun with her.

[rocketman122]

you have to put a thick skin on, listen, laugh, love, hug and make it better. women can get a little dramatic, but if you give up so fast then you will have a hard time staying.

 

when my GF pissed, I tell her come her here, take her by the hand. I take her to bed, I close the door and dim the lights. I massage her back and caress her hair and try to calm her. 10-15 minutes. done. or just tell her, get your sneakers on, lets go for a walk. done.

 

Im stressed as hell when I come back from driving home. I need 10-15 minutes of quiet to myself. everyone has problems. so?

 

take initiative and step up, be her man. stand by her.

[chucksagent]

you have to put a thick skin on, listen, laugh, love, hug and make it better. women can get a little dramatic, but if you give up so fast then you will have a hard time staying.

 

when my GF pissed, I tell her come her here, take her by the hand. I take her to bed, I close the door and dim the lights. I massage her back and caress her hair and try to calm her. 10-15 minutes. done. or just tell her, get your sneakers on, lets go for a walk. done.

 

Im stressed as hell when I come back from driving home. I need 10-15 minutes of quiet to myself. everyone has problems. so?

 

take initiative and step up, be her man. stand by her.

 

 

That was the BEST advice I've read yet....all your judgmental crap is just that, crap. You don't know HOW LONG she's miserable for at night, or how BAD she acts....BUT, I have to admit, I think this last bit of advice is GOLD.

 

Thank you very much, seriously.

 

Rather than just sit around and expect her to be reasonable like a man is, I should realize she is a woman, and they are dramatic and emotional at times, like you said. I need to step in and try to make her feel better.

 

See, my mother RUINED me for normal women. My mom was a single mom at 18 years old. She worked 2 jobs, NEVER took welfare or food stamps or anything like that. She put me through college and helped me as she could during law school. Lol. All I can do is laugh when I see someone like my SO or 90% of other women "complain" about their lives. My SO has a brand new SUV (where I live it snows a lot), my Mom had a little red sprint (look it up) had to drive to work in the snow. My mom and I lived in a small/humble apartment, my SO and I live in a HUGE house. My mom NEVER was able to go to Spa's. My SO gets her nails done twice a month and Spa's whenever she wants. I take real offense to a lot of women (and even sometimes men) who act like their cell phone charger not working properly is the end of their world, when I think back to everything my Mom has to deal with.

 

 

I just feel like SOOOOO many girls/women I know blow stuff out of proportion and are moody as heck. What they don't realize is, being moody ONLY hurts them and their SO/family - the lazy girl at work isn't being hurt by it at all. My job is like 1000X more stressful and MUCH MORE at stake than any female I know, and I NEVER bring that crap home...it's not worth it.

 

And believe me, LEAVING her has never entered my mind. I was more speaking along the lines of "What SHOULD I do?" Couples therapy, tell her to quit, help her look for a new job, encourage her to speak to her manager (which I've done and she won't do - doesn't wanna be a "pesk" or a "rat'), OR as Rocketman suggested (brilliantly so), make more of an effort on my end.

 

I worked for a VERY rich, VERY wise lawyer in a big city before I moved to where I am now. And he told me when I left "Just remember, I think of my wife as my 4th daughter....she's emotional, unreasonable, illogical, moody, whiny, and I constantly have to handle her with kid gloves to make sure she is happy."

 

I took serious offense when he said that, because as I said about my own mother, what I had dealt with up until that point, with her, was ANYTHING but that...she was SOOOO strong willed, SOOO logical, SOOOO serious about being my mother and not my friend, I didn't know what he meant. But you start talking to more and more married men, more and more of my friends in relationships, and heck, even Rocketman said he's experienced, women for some reason often times just NEED coddling and caring and constant attention. I try to treat the women as equals like I'd want to be treated, with respect and like an adult, not like a whining child you need to take care of. But it honestly sounds like MOST happily married men have just accepted that this is what you need to do.

 

And this isn't an attack on ALL WOMEN. I just got done saying my Mom (even my gram and aunts) was NEVER like this, so I never saw this stuff early on in life. All my female influences were strong, independent, powerful...So I guess I just have to get used to how some modern women are and act accordingly.

[chucksagent]

Elsyth - Maybe I didn't explain this properly to you guys. I would let her vent for 2 hours STRAIGHT. It's not the venting that's the problem. It's the SCOWL when I ask her to pass the FRIGGING pepper at dinner. Or the COLD SHOULDER when I try to give her a kiss. Or her being SHORT with me when I ask her what our plans are for the upcoming weekend and I ask 'Whoa, why are you being short with me." And she says "Nothing. It's nothing." And I say, "No, come on, whats wrong." And she says, "I told you already, it's just work, I hate girl X so much."

 

I just DO NOT understand how HATE FOR GIRL X can possible, possible POSSIBLY translate to BARK AND BE SHORT AT YOUR LOVER??!?!?!

[waitwhat]

Rather than just sit around and expect her to be reasonable like a man is, I should realize she is a woman, and they are dramatic and emotional at times, like you said. I need to step in and try to make her feel better.

 

Well. I was in your SO's position about a year ago, miserable, horrid job that was just so wretched that it was impossible not to bring it home sometimes.

 

So I wanted to help you out...until I read this. Seriously. The "women aren't reasonable like men are" is probably a big part of the problem. Maybe she's being short with you not just because of the work stress but because you're treating her like an irrational ninny, compounding the problem.

[carhill]

I would let her vent for 2 hours STRAIGHT. It's not the venting that's the problem. It's the SCOWL when I ask her to pass the FRIGGING pepper at dinner. Or the COLD SHOULDER when I try to give her a kiss. Or her being SHORT with me when I ask her what our plans are for the upcoming weekend and I ask 'Whoa, why are you being short with me." And she says "Nothing. It's nothing." And I say, "No, come on, whats wrong." And she says, "I told you already, it's just work, I hate girl X so much."

 

IMO, work is the sideshow. Anyone with breath in their bodies has choices wrt work. The quote above is the problem; it's a relationship problem.

 

OP, do you really wish to live like this for the rest of your life? You have choices.

 

Tell me, when you have 'issues' about everyday life which are on your mind, and you share them, what is the response?

 

Either you're a team or you're not. My read, especially relevant to the latest quoted passage, indicates the team has substantially broken down.

[Els]

Elsyth - Maybe I didn't explain this properly to you guys. I would let her vent for 2 hours STRAIGHT. It's not the venting that's the problem. It's the SCOWL when I ask her to pass the FRIGGING pepper at dinner. Or the COLD SHOULDER when I try to give her a kiss. Or her being SHORT with me when I ask her what our plans are for the upcoming weekend and I ask 'Whoa, why are you being short with me." And she says "Nothing. It's nothing." And I say, "No, come on, whats wrong." And she says, "I told you already, it's just work, I hate girl X so much."

 

I just DO NOT understand how HATE FOR GIRL X can possible, possible POSSIBLY translate to BARK AND BE SHORT AT YOUR LOVER??!?!?!

 

Well, you two need to talk about it, then, like adults. Tell her that you're happy to help out in any way possible so she can unwind after work - but that you can't go on like this with her constantly taking her work frustrations out on you. Wait for a time when she IS relaxed and unwound, like a weekend, to talk about this.

 

See, my mother RUINED me for normal women. My mom was a single mom at 18 years old. She worked 2 jobs, NEVER took welfare or food stamps or anything like that. She put me through college and helped me as she could during law school. Lol. All I can do is laugh when I see someone like my SO or 90% of other women "complain" about their lives. My SO has a brand new SUV (where I live it snows a lot), my Mom had a little red sprint (look it up) had to drive to work in the snow. My mom and I lived in a small/humble apartment, my SO and I live in a HUGE house. My mom NEVER was able to go to Spa's. My SO gets her nails done twice a month and Spa's whenever she wants. I take real offense to a lot of women (and even sometimes men) who act like their cell phone charger not working properly is the end of their world, when I think back to everything my Mom has to deal with.

 

I would be cautious about comparing your mom to 'other women'. People tend to do what they have to to survive. Doesn't mean that the people who are luckier are not entitled to complain at all. My dad used to work >12 hours a day doing manual work, and then instead of coming home to a pleasant house as you'd expect with a wife who works part-time and contributes something like 1/10th of their income... he instead has to cheerfully listen to my mom nag and vent about her day while not expecting her to help with his, and he did everything for her - her banking, repairs, even her own work stuff that she couldn't handle, etc. Should I compare all guys whom I am with to him? Should I take real offense to men who act like their gf venting at them is the end of the world, when I think back to everything my dad had to deal with?

Edited March 1, 2013 by Elswyth

[chucksagent]

Elswyth - Touche, you got me there. haha well done. You are right.

[Janesays]

I love how OP busts rocketman's chops for 'judging' him, but then spends the rest of the same post judging 'modern women' as a whole. It's like people don't even THINK before they barf up garbage!

 

 

:D:D:D

[chucksagent]

Janesays - No offense, but YOU are the type of person that HURTs the modern woman. Lol. If someone posted on here "Modern Men Stink" I would be the FIRST to say ding ding ding!!!!!!!!! Lol

 

MOST people today are SHELLS of what our parents and grandparents were. Ever hear of the greatest generation??? Today most people only care about themselves, male or female. I can't STAND when a generalization is made and someone like you just ASSUMES it means every woman LMFAO. Paranoid much??

 

I told him he was judging ME PERSONALLY - that is totally different. All I said was, many of todays "MODERN" women who claim to be so independant, appear to not be so. That doesn't mean YOU or your SISTER or ANYONE you may know...MANY does not mean ALL...It doesn't even NECESSARILY mean MOST! But thanks for proving my point on the emotional and sensitive side of things. Lol.

 

It's hilarious on these boards. If women in general are attacked, theres always a few who get soooooooooooo defensive. As people, male and female alike, we have certain weaknesses and strengths. There is nothing wrong with acknowleging them. That's another problem today in this country, we've been fighting for free speech since 1776 and now the PC police roam the media and message boards bringing justice to those who might "call it as they see it."

 

The guy who JUDGED me didn't even know all the facts. When I updated him on the facts, he gave me some really great advice. I was speaking on MODERN WOMEN I HAVE MET IN MY LIFE AND KNOW...Therefore I can judge them because I've interacted with them 100's of times. I can only base MY OPINION on MY EXPERIENCES. I wouldn't hold this against new women; actually, to the contrary. When I meet new women (men too), I am hoping they blow me away and aren't actually part of the dumbed down Matrix America has become today. And if you don't know what I mean, you're probably part of it.