christinarae98 Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 My fiance' and I have been together for 3 years. He cheated on his wife of 27 years and left her last year to be with me. Their relationship had been sour for almost their whole marriage (I confirmed this with his family mom, sisters, etc.) he stayed because of their 4 children. During all these years he cheated at least 3 or 4 times and told me because he was unhappily married, but never found the right woman to leave his kids for. After our two year relationship he finally left. This is when I found out that he loves to masterbate to porn. It is very degrading and makes me feel very insecure. I love sex and give it to him on a regular basis. During our whole relationship I have only turned him down 2 times. We have sex 3 to 4 times a week. I have found out that he is looking at porn on the computer and when I confronted him he started deleting the internet files. If someone could tell me how to retrieve files from the hard drive I would greatly appreciate it. He lies and hides the fact that he views porn on the internet and we have fought about it time and time again. Right now he is out of town and yesterday I found out that he had been looking at porn on the computer, but forgot to delete the cookies file. I told him last night when he called that it was either me or the porn and he needed to think about it. Well, I have talked to him twice and I know he is with his buddies, but he acts like nothing happened. I understand that men need to masterbate and I have no problem with that. It is that he has to do it to porn. Why can't he just masterbate in the shower and get it over with. Again our sex life is fantastic, but I am afraid of what could happen next. There is one thing that I forgot to mention and that is I caught him on internet dating websites. This happened right before we moved in together and during this time his dad was dying and I was putting the pressure on him to leave his wife. He said the only reason he chatted with other women was to feel wanted and needed and at the time he was very mad at me because I was being so unreasonable. Maybe I was but he had promised to leave his wife 3 times prior to his dad getting ill. He then told me he would leave after his fathers death and he did, but he still kept in contact with various women. On the internet and phone. I started checking his phone and confronted him. He then told me the whole pressure and insecurity of what I had done to him during the time his father was dying. It has been a year since all of this took place with the internet chatting, but I still have a hard time trusting him and viewing porn bothers me that it will lead to his cheating again. We have discussed this and he has apologized for the internet chatting, but I can not get passed it and then when I find out that he is masterbating to porn it makes me sick to my stomach. We both have been through a lot together and we both love one another very much, but I am just afraid one thing will lead to another. I hope someone can understand this and give me some advice. Also I do want to know how to retrieve info. from the hard drive. Chris Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 why were you looking through his computer? do you think your insecurity has anything to do with having been the 'other woman' in his life? you certainly know he is capable of deceit, perhaps you are looking for evidence that your deceit is being revisited on you? this is not a judgment, just a question. Link to post Share on other sites
waterguy1975 Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 I am going to give you a guys perspective ok.If he is lying to you about it then you have way more problems then just the porn thing.He is not being honest with you and that is a big key in a relationship I don't think it is that big of a deal him looking at porn as long as you guys talk about it civily.Then you know he's not touching or sleeping with someone else he's just being a horny man.TRy to get him to talk about it and don't be overly angry until you get a response.If you know he is lying about it though then kick his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 What on earth is the point of you learning how to search the hard drive for his proof of porn-viewing activities? The point is, you don't trust him. That's more than clear. You say this "porn" issue has been an ongoing one. Wake up and realize that it's not something you're going to change. It's what he does and he will continue to do it. All the crying and nagging and pleading with him to stop will not make it stop. If you want to marry someone you don't trust, and spend the rest of your married days snooping around on the computer and "checking up on him", then he's the guy for you. Aside from that, the guy isn't exactly a pillar of integrity and faithfulness. 1) you caught him on Dating sites......but he gave you some horribly lame "excuse"....saying he wanted to feel needed and wanted, and because you were making him feel pressured to leave his wife of 27 yrs. Cry me a river. If his marriage TRULY WAS so horrid, leaving his wife would have been something he didn't need "pressure" to accomplish. You do seem terribly naive. 2) He was obviously cheating on his wife with YOU. You were his mistress. He cheated on his poor (ex) wife numerous times (likely more times than he's admitted to you), including with you.....all under the thinly veiled guise of "his marriage wasn't good." What a sorry excuse for a man. So the poor guy was just trying to be honorable, and to stay "for the kids" and "until a woman who was worth leaving his wife for came along." Why would you get mixed up with such a pig? NOBODY stays in a marriage for 27 yrs unless they want to be there. Don't fall for the "kids" excuse. Millions of unhappily married couples, with children, divorce. I'd say the porn issue is the least of your concerns. You have every right not to trust him........and every reason. Sounds like you are pushing him to get married. What makes you think he's not going to cheat on you? You'd be awfully naive to think he wouldn't. His moral compass is obviously highly defective. If you marry a guy you can't trust, then you deserve the heartache you're going to get, that's all I can say. Marriage isn't some kind of joke. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 As you'll see from reading the countless other threads regarding women anxious about men viewing pornogrpahy, I'm a woman who doesn't believe that men viewing pornography is in and of itself a problem. It sounds like you and your finace are fundamentally incompatible. You disapprove of something he does, and you view it as something that insults and degrades you. He doesn't see it that way. I don't see how the two of you can expect to make a happy life together. If you were a vegetarian who was disgusted by meat-eating, and could not tolerate having meat in your kitchen, you wouldn't want to marry a steak-loving guy who didn't think a meal was complete without some meat on his plate. I'm not telling you that you're wrong to see porn as a threat, I'm simply telling you that you cannot impose your views on him. Nor can he impose his views on you. If you cannot agree to disagree (and it sounds like you are unable to ignore his porn viewing), then you two just aren't going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
CosmoGirl1391 Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Oh Lord, here we go again. Will this insanity ever end? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I think, Midori, your post ought to be copy-and-paste advice to all the women with this problem. It'd save all of us a whole lot of typing. Link to post Share on other sites
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