My husband has completely lost interest

[Ladylike]

I have been with my husband for 8 years, we have 2 children. I'm 30 he is 38. Over the past 5 years, things between us have slowly but surely deteriorated. He's now very distant, extremely moody, sleeps constantly. Despite asking him on numerous occasions what is wrong or what could I do to help. His response is always " I'm sorry I'm a bad person but I can't change who I am!" I suggested seeing a doctor, counsellor, I've queried if he's gay, having an affair etc he always says no to all. I've asked if he's just not interested in me, he tell me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't live without me, he adores me? His behaviour shows otherwise! How I got to coming on here was a friend approached me the other day to say it was clear that I was doing everything I can to help him but he's just not giving anything back, how long are you going to live like this with him. He's no longer interested in sex at all, although that makes me sad, my main concern is the lack of affection, conversation or even acknowledgement of my existence. What can I do to help this situation ?

[Wifeandlover]

I know how you feel!

[pcplod]

As I suggested to WifeandLover have a look at:

 

I Live In a Sexless Marriage | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat

[j'adore]

Check up on him, his calls and where he goes. I would.

[Ladylike]

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely have a look at the link one of you posted. I'm determined to work through this but I was lost as to what to try next. Re checking his calls and emails, wrongly or rightly I just feel like if it does turn out to be an affair then so be it, I don't want to add to the problems by becoming paranoid every time his phone rings or he's on email. I've never done it and I won't start now! I will absolutely suggest the gym membership and ask again about the trip to the docs as I truly think just ruling anything medical out would both our minds at rest. Thanks again x

[soccerrprp]

I'm going to dive in here and do what no one seems to want to target and that is YOU. Have you changed, physically, that makes you less than desirable? Don't mean to be harsh, but that is a legitimate detail to consider as well. Otherwise, from your description in your original post, I would look at depression and that could stem from a variety of things including his perception of your or the relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Ladylike]

Food for thought! After having children I certainly felt less desirable, which I'm sure must have had an impact. I'm 5ft 9ins and 122lbs so certainly not overweight but certainly not as body confident as I used to be. I'm certainly not closed off to looking at what or where I've gone wrong. Definitely going to have a think on this.

Just to add he constantly complains about being overweight and asks how I can possibly be attracted to him when he looks like that, he is not huge by any stretch of the imagination but carrying a few extra lbs. Despite assuring him, I am still attracted to him, he really doesn't accept this. Its difficult to approach exercising etc without him thinking im being critical. It's a tough one but I really think that exercising would help in more than one way, I shall tentatively approach this, wish me luck!

[Ladylike]

I think I got some great advice too and I fully intend to work on those points.

 

In fairness to the friend of mine that approached me, she is a very good friend and I really don't think she said it with any other intention than concern. I don't often talk about our troubles not even to her, but it's pretty obvious my husband is not in a good place to everyone not just me.

 

The more and more depression has been spoken about the more it seems to fit, it isn't just me that he's lost interest in, its everything. He no longer engages in any of his hobbies or social activities, all of which I've been actively encouraging, it's like he's just given up on everything. He's extremely rude and short tempered with his family and our friends also and I've had to make calls to apologise for his behaviour on more than one occasion!

 

I'm 100 % committed to helping him work through this however, it's hard work and sometimes I just feel like I can't do anything right for doing wrong. He's very hard to please in any way right now and sometimes can actually behave in ways similar to our children! He's going through a tough time and I do not underestimate that, but I do need him to work with me on this as I cannot help him if he outright refuses to help himself.

 

Thanks again to everyone that replied, the advice and support has been much appreciated x