hants Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I have been with my wife for 16years we have a child who is now 14, there is no/very little sex life between me and my wife I have tried everything. We are loving but she does not seem to have any sex drive, it has been the same for since my daughter was born!!! I cant go on any longer.... I have tried everything, she works now but it was the same when she was not working so it isnt stress. I treat her well and she tells me so. She doesnt know why she is like it so she says. She wont ask the doctor for any help. She tells me to put up with it or go...... Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 You must communicate about it, maybe see a sex therapist, or do exactly what she says. There are porn sites, videos and pictures for you to masterbate to if she absolutly refuses any sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 is your wife stressed out at all? i find this combined with monotony of day to day life a bit of a libido killer. try a vacation and spice up your days. just sit together and hold hands have a meaningful conversation and complement her throughout the day, this may get her interested. it works on me. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 She tells me to put up with it or go...... She should not say this to you. Your desire for a sex life with your wife is reasonable. Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis, and get your wife to read it too. The book makes it clear that mismatched sexual desire is a problem that both partners need to deal with, and has lots of great advice. But at some level, your wife has to want to fix this problem for there to be any progress. Good luck, and if it's any comfort, you have lots of company. Porn and masturbation serve some purposes, but they are not a realistic substitute for the intimacy, passion and pleasure that you can get from connecting with your partner sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hants Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 I have tried visiting porn sites, but I feel like there is something wrong with me where my wife is not interested. I try and break up everyday life, we have 2 holidays a year, we go out every other weekend for a meal and a drink or to friends. Apart from work I would say the rest of our life is quite entertaining. I really am at wits end. I get on with women very well at work, etc. Should I turn to an affair to help my marrage? Link to post Share on other sites
TazmaGurl Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I don't see how an affair could ever help a marriage. I hear there is a female version of viagra now, couldn't tell you the name of it off the top of my head though. TazmaGurl Link to post Share on other sites
dancemachine Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Go out and get Dr. Laura's new book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Read it, and if you think it applies in your situation (it only works if the following conditions are not present in the relationship: Addiction, Abuse, or Adultery). It can really give you some insight as to why many of us women behave the way we do, and gives women advice (to those who wish to hear it) on how women can change our way of thinking - especially about sex. I hope your wife is willing to give it a try - she'll be so HAPPY she did! Link to post Share on other sites
rcberg Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Wow, that sounds exactly like my situation. We average lovemaking once a month. Whenever I try to discuss it, my wife says she recognizes that I enjoy sex and she doesn't, and she knows she needs to do something about it. Granted, our teenage kids stay up later than we do, and I can't expect her to be ready to go 1st thing in the morning. I've said to her that every once in a while, a "helping hand" would be just as appreciated. A couple minutes and I'd be happy, full of energy and appreciation for her help. She agrees and understands that such "help" would be good for me/us, but she has no interest in that. What I don't understand is that her parents have no love for each other, even though they've stayed together for 45 years, despite her father's affair. She knows that sex is something men like, and has expressed fears that I might want someone younger one day. Logic would say that if she has those thoughts, she would do something to keep me from straying. Love/relationships is no place for logic.. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 She should speak with her OB-GYN about this. As mentioned, there may be medications that can help. Also, certain birth control methods or other medications drastically decrease libido. A sex therapist may help as well. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 believe me..masturbation is NO substitute for sex. Sure it is a temporary relief for sexual frustration. But being that I am 40, married and can't get any sex from my wife, I feel like a real loser after I am done beating off. It has actually come to the point where it's hard for me to get off during masturbation because it bores me so. I have to be super horny to make it feel any good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hants Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thank you all for all your kind replies, I am at the point that if I bring up the subject, I imediately gets her back up. I do try to tread carefully but its no use. The best our sex life gets is once a month at worse over christmas I went without for three months! Im only 33, help. Ive read your sugestions, I have bought herbal solutions and she took them for 3 weeks. Stupidly I brought up sex, It had been seven weeks and she said she had only been on the tablets 3 weeks and got in a strop and chucked the whole lot down the toilet. $$$! Help......I find im just getting more bitter about it now. Upto now I have been a faithfull husband but I feel I am at breaking point. I am going to end up doing something that is not me at all. She will not change, but I love her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Juggs Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Sometimes I think men and women just look at sex from totally different angles. My husband and I have sex at least every other day and he still complains that I don't want to have sex often enough. It leaves me feeling like a failure as a wife. But if I just give it up every day how ever many times a day he wants it, if I want it or not, I feel like all I am is a life support system for my genitals. Women tend to lose desire for sex after child birth or menopause. And sometimes I think women become so consumed with being the family caretakers and are so tired when they finally get to lay down and relax that sex actually becomes something you do to please your husband and not something you do to relax and enjoy yourself and bond with your husband. When that happens, it's just 1 more thing you have to do to make someone else happy and it looses it's luster fast. It is something you both need to work on together. She needs to understand your needs and you need to respect your wife's wants as well. I just started taking Avlimil which is supposed to help get a woman's hormones back in balance and improve sex drive... Supposed to take 1 to 2 months to feel the true effects but I'll let you know if it helps me. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Originally posted by Juggs Sometimes I think men and women just look at sex from totally different angles. My husband and I have sex at least every other day and he still complains that I don't want to have sex often enough. It leaves me feeling like a failure as a wife. But if I just give it up every day how ever many times a day he wants it, if I want it or not, I feel like all I am is a life support system for my genitals. Sheeesh, your husband should be overjoyed! That's a very active sex life for a married couple. My love and I have lived together for close to 4 years now. Of course things started off like gangbusters, now it's maybe 1 - 2 times a week unless on vacation. Sure I'd like a little more frequency and sometimes it stresses me that she's not as randy as I would like but nothings perfect. Your husband needs to get a bit of a grip here. Most of us guys would be smiling every day with that kind of action. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Has anyone else besides me heard of, "Love Languages"? Everyone has their own love languauge. As with any language, there are different flavors. English, Chinese, French.....yada yada. Love languages comes in flavors like Affection, Listening, Gifts, Physical Touch, I really can't remember them all, but we all have what I call Love Banks. When you use your partners Love Language, ( My wife's is gifts ), you are making deposits into her, "Love Bank". My language is physical touch which when she uses it causes deposits in my Love Bank. After a while, once you've learned what your partner needs for deposits, the sex will follow. I really don't know what love languages you guys may have, but try surprising her with a nice hot bath with candle light and soft music when she gets home from work. Lock her in the bathroom while you make her a nice dinner. Then while she's eating, warm up some baby lotion and take her into your room and give her a nice long back rub. Now here's the hard part, don't engage in sex!!! Allow her to relax into a soft sleep and then slip out and leave her alone. It's a lot of effort on your part, but find her love language and use it. If you truly love her and want to stay with her, you would do this. Link to post Share on other sites
dancemachine Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Love Language/Love Bank -- Moose, that's GREAT! Is there a book or article that I can reference? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Dance machine, I will try to find it for you. The Love Language and Love bank was actually a Month long Sunday School lesson. You wouldn't believe how much it has changed our lives!!! We've been Married for 16 years and things were getting pretty boring. We were just going about our business and pretty much ignoring each other and just bringing up the kids. Our regular Sunday School Teacher decided to step down so we had no other choice but to find another class. We found the, "Families Under Construction" class, ( Please do not abbreviate!!!! ). This class is so WONDERFUL!!!! I guarentee all of you, if I can get all the lessons together and give them to all of you, it will change your lives!! We haven't been happier!! We can talk to each other now, I know what she wants, she knows what I want and we both know how to give it to each other. Just leaving little notes around the house where she will find them doing her normal routine saying things like, "Your the best!!", #1 Wife, Hey there sexy, While you're reading this, I'm thinking about you, and of course, I love you" makes her so happy that I can bet my life she will be cuddling with me on the couch while we watch a movie together. She gets what she wants, I get what I want. I would love to get into more depth with you all on this. hmmmmmm, I just had an idea for a new thread.......COOL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Juggs Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Excellent advise!!! There is nothing that will help a women open up more then not making her feel like everything is always about getting in her pants. If a women is not seemingly interested in sex and her partner goes through all these burning hoops only to end it with expecting sex, all that work will have been for nothing. It's like taking a women out on a dinner date and then expecting sex afterwards because you bought her dinner... Just doesn't do anyone any good and just reinforces a woman's feelings that sex is all you are interested in from the get-go and not her feelings or needs. BUT.... If you do all of these nice, thoughtful things and end it with letting her drift off to sleep and leaving her alone.... I guarantee she will eventually open up and become more receptive to sex.... because she doesn't feel pressured or like it's her duty or that she owes it to you because you went out of your way. Isn't it funny.... You would think after all the years that the men and women have been living together and sharing lives together that we would have this "Mars/Venus" thing mastered. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 yes but some chicks are conditioned into thinking giving up sex is the only way to get a man. I remember dating a girl and we went out one night and she had too much to drink. We went back to my place and she passed out on the couch. I put a blanket on her and went to my bed. The next morning she said "wow, I can't believe you didn't take my clothes off and try to have sex with me." ----- yes, pouting and complaining about not getting any sex will surely lower your chances of having sex. If the woman isn't into it, I can't enjoy the sex. Nothing is worse than a woman laying there under me, bored and motionless saying "hurry up and cum, already". Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 fredrolin, Wow, that has NEVER happened to me!!! hehe. And I 've never heard the words, "hurry up" during sex. Not to brag or anything. Going back to the original question, hants is having a problem with his Wife not being interested in sex. My point to him is to try finding what she likes and makes her feel comfortable, sometimes avoided the topic of sex and not making sex his goal might very well help him out. It's a lot of work at first but it will become like a habit and before long you won't even notice the extra effort you put forth to make her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 yes moose that's true. But I have had girlfriends that needed to be wined and dined and kissed and cuddled in order to get in the mood for sex. And sometimes after all that work you don't get laid anyhow and you end up beating your meat in frustrated anger. And even if you do get sex after all that work, once it's all over you tell yourself all that effort and preparation wasn't worth it. This is the reason why I have mostly dated heavy set and/or homely women most of my life. These women are low maintenance, conform to your rules, and you don't have to kill yourself trying to please them. Sure it's wonderful to have a beauty on your arm, but sometimes they use there looks to always get there way. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Well, this is getting a little touchy. I don't feel that any woman needs to follow any sort of "rules" of mine. The laws of give and take come to play here. If you feel like you have to wine and dine women to get laid, you have the wrong motive and she can sense that. This is probably why some of your ex-girlfriends wound up turning you down. I treat my Wife well because I love her, not because I just want sex all the time, ( which would be cool with me ). I no longer have sex as a motive but rather the notion that she's happy. The sex will follow sooner or later and I have patience. My wife is very good looking and has had opportunities to model even. But I don't dare say that she's used her looks to get something from me nor has she gave the impression that there is a gold mine between her legs. I never dated or even thought of being around women who act like that. The situations you've been in is probably more your fault than hers and that 's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 well moose good for you. the point I am making is that I am not into games. I have been with women where the chemistry clicked and we knew what each other wanted in the relationship. Other times I have dated women with alot of hang ups and believe they have a gold mine between there legs and try to use that to control men. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 The site for the author of the Five Love Languages: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/garychapman/ The blue bar across the top half of the screen has the 'love languages' and if you click on each one, it's described more fully. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 fredrolin, I can sort of understand where you are coming from. I have seen Women do this and it's a shame. Some Women can be manipulative little witches. Before I met my Wife I had run ins with Women like that. They see what you have and want to hang out with you because of it. I've never had any money troubles and always have had the best of everything. Women saw that and tried to manipulate me into giving them things. I just turn the table on them and let them get so far then deny them what they were after. My Wife was the only one that didn't care what I had and she made that perfectly clear when I met her. Her nickname to me was, "Rich Bitch". And she didn't want to have anything to do with me at all!! ( I guess that's what attracted me to her. ) I had a job on a jack up rig in the middle of the Pacific and when I came back, she was there waiting for me, pregnant and all. She still didn't want anything to do with me but thought I should know she was carrying my baby. It wasn't until she saw me with another Woman that she started having an interest in me. As soon as I found out that we had a chance, I literally dumped who I was with and have been by her side since. I still feel real bad about dumping the other woman, but I just knew that Carole was the one for me. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences fredolin, it ruined some nice Woman's chance to share the rest of her life with you I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
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