BTLSU Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have 3 children, the oldest is hers from a previous relationship (not marriage). I adopted her shortly after we were married. I knew that my wife had a storied past before I married her. She had major self esteem problems in her teenage years and had many problems because of it. It's obvious that she's been with other people because of the child. A few days ago, we were having dinner together at a resteraunt and one of her past relationships came up in conversation. She told me that she had dated this particular guy for a couple of months. This was a person that I had no idea that she had dated. This information kind of threw me for a loop, and I'm trying to figure out why. Now all I do is constantly think about how many others that she's been with that I don't know about. My wife and I were friends for several years before we got married, but not close friends. I know that she may have slept with one of my best friends a few years before we got married. Now every time that he's around, I wonder if it's really true. I also wonder if she's been with any of our others friends in the past. I think that these are feelings that I've had suppressed in my mind for all of these years, and our conversation at dinner just brought them out. I know that my wife would never, ever cheat on me. That I am confident about, but it still doesn't help me with the thoughts of her past. Can someone please help me get these thoughts out of my mind? I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of it. I'm having to hold it in because I don't want it to cause trouble in our relationship. If what's in my mind is the truth, I don't really want to know. I just want to return to the way it was before the dinner converstion. Please help!! BT Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 well, she is your wife and you two have to communicate. I think you need to ask whatever you need to to get over this. Maybe even some counseling... Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Well, unfortunatley, you've already had the conversation so you can't go back to the way things were. It strikes me as odd that you didn't have conversations about stuff like this while you were friends or prior to getting married. If you really don't want to know for sure what happened then you need to keep reminding yourself that the past is exactly that...the past. Leave it there. There's nothing you can do to change it and fretting over it is not going to do anyone any good. You might have a conversation with your wife and tell her how you're feeling. You can tell her you don't want to know the details, but just wanted her to know that there are times when you struggle with issues regarding her past and that it has nothing to do with whether you love her or trust her now. Perhaps some reassurance from her that her past means nothing now would help. Other than that, you have to learn to let go, which is easier said than done. But it's necessary. It's just like dealing with a bad situation from your own past. You can't change it so you deal with the fact that it happened, tell yourself that the past is the past and do your best to move on. Maybe talking to a third party about it would help. A counselor, pastor, trusted friend, family member, or someone like that. Sometimes hearing I'm sorry this is causing so much trouble for you and I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
cowgirl Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 I agree girlie! The past is the past and it should stay that way. My past came back to haunt me once in a relationship before and my partner didn't want to talk about it and it split us up because he couldn't handle it. Id never judge a new partner on his past. It's none of my business anyway. No guy is ever going to meet a girl without a past. What about your own past, Im sure there's things there that you don't want to remember when it comes to other partners. Does she know all about your past? You really need to sort out why your having these difficulties dwelling on her past and either communicate with her or deal with it on your own and get on with it. It's easier said than done I know. Communication and trust is such a big thing in a relationship. Good Luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
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