IHaTeMe Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Hello everyone.... I have a big problem with my My boyfriend of 4yrs, Husband of 5yrs now. After being married for 2yrs we went our own way & I started dating some other people & had sex with a man that I had some feelings for to make the story short me & my hus. went back & I kept seeing the other man behind my husband back it was only a sex thing but then I stoped after I got pregnant from my husband the other guy knew I was married I told my husband that I was with someone while we was not together but then we started living together again I started sleeping with the other man (2months later) but then I stop seeing the other man after I was trying to get pregnant from my husband. We have a daughter of 2yrs old now Now me & my husband we don't have good sex anymore I think is me I don't want sex like that any more is like I just don't care for it. Last night he went down on me, & once I came, I didn't even wanna do anything else & he got mad at me because I never want sex now I don't know what to do sometimes I will want sex but that is once a month am only 25yrs old. I sometimes don't even wanna be with my husband because there are times that he calls me a hoe when he is really mad & tells me to go **** that other man that I did while we was not together till this day he doesn't know that I was still seeing him while we was living together & I don't think i would ever tell him. OK now my question is what should I do with my sex life? How can I improve it ? is there something I can do ? (drink a pill, what????) Please someone please help me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Are you not interested in sex in general or not in your husband in particular?. Are you still seeing that guy? you have to look into the real reasons for your lack of interest. The fact you are only 25 is irrelevant. It may happen to people younger than that. May be your husband is turning you off through physical or emotional abuse. Are you having anything with anybody else? It could be only an emotional affiar though and not necessarily someting fully physical. You know it better than any one of us of course. Hope we could be of further help. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 my ex was mean to me and I didn't want to have sex with him either. here's a home test, when he touches you do you get 'douche chills.' if you want your sex life to get better you will have to repair the marriage. libido creams or pills wont help this problem, because its in your head, literally. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I'm having a hard time understanding why you are married in the first place. Do you love this man or want a REAL relationship with him? If so, why all the infidelities? He shouldn't call you names....but when you are married and mess around...husband's have a right to get mad! I don't think your problem is about sex at all. I think your marriage lacks respect and committment. Why don't you guys work on your relationship FIRST....and maybe a satisfactory sex life would follow. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Welcome back. I very much enjoyed your post. Hope you are in good health. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IHaTeMe Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess I'm having a hard time understanding why you are married in the first place. Do you love this man or want a REAL relationship with him? If so, why all the infidelities? He shouldn't call you names....but when you are married and mess around...husband's have a right to get mad! I don't think your problem is about sex at all. I think your marriage lacks respect and committment. Why don't you guys work on your relationship FIRST....and maybe a satisfactory sex life would follow. [font=century gothic][/font][color=red][/color] Believe it or not I still love this man, The only thing is that I hate 'bout him is the way he is with me, Sometimes when he wakes up in the wrong side of the bed he gets really mad & starts screaming at me I hate that. He tells me that he don't know why I only give him sex once a month & then he says that he wants more sex but is like I don't get in to it. No= am not having sex with my ex- we are just friends right now we only talk on the phone maybe once every 2 months he has his own life I have my, We are different people but I still care 'bout him as a friend, that is how far my relationship with him is going to go. I don't know if my losing it for my husband because of how he is with me, he tells me that he is never going to forgive me 4 doing that to him because he was my 1st & he wanted to keep it that way, so now he is always reminding me 'bout what I did to him, If I would of know I would of never told him nothing but I thought that being married means 4 you to be real with the person you care & love. After being with the other guy, I found myself just thinking 'bout my husband & that is when I knew I couldn't be without my husband. Now my problem is him & this sex thing, We have almost a month with no sex and is like I don't even care 4 him. Do you guys thing there is something wrong with me??? I need help, I don't wanna break up with my husband over this. I have a feeling that we are going to break up because I don't think I can take it with his fighting all the time in front of my daughter she gets scared because he starts to scream really loud. Sometimes I hate him & there are times that I love him. Please someone help!! Link to post Share on other sites
genie Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 I don't know if I have answers for you, but I am now 40 and when I was married (20-30) I felt the same way. I can now look back and realize that I needed him to have foreplay out of bed before he expected it in bed. I believe foreplay starts in the kitchen. If he would just have given me a hand or support on things, I would have been turned on. Your husband sounds similar to my ex and all this demeaning you about sex and about your past isn't helping your self esteem. I feel you are feeling ashamed of what you did and afraid that you may slip up again, so inturn you are turning yourself off to desiring sex. I thought that I wanted to get out of my marriage, so the first thing I did was turn my emotions off when it came to sex. Therefore it wouldn't play a role in my decisions. I also only wanted sex once a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Greta Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by IHaTeMe [font=century gothic][/font][color=red][/color] Believe it or not I still love this man, The only thing is that I hate 'bout him is the way he is with me, Sometimes when he wakes up in the wrong side of the bed he gets really mad & starts screaming at me I hate that. He tells me that he don't know why I only give him sex once a month & then he says that he wants more sex but is like I don't get in to it. No= am not having sex with my ex- we are just friends right now we only talk on the phone maybe once every 2 months he has his own life I have my, We are different people but I still care 'bout him as a friend, that is how far my relationship with him is going to go. I don't know if my losing it for my husband because of how he is with me, he tells me that he is never going to forgive me 4 doing that to him because he was my 1st & he wanted to keep it that way, so now he is always reminding me 'bout what I did to him, If I would of know I would of never told him nothing but I thought that being married means 4 you to be real with the person you care & love. After being with the other guy, I found myself just thinking 'bout my husband & that is when I knew I couldn't be without my husband. Now my problem is him & this sex thing, We have almost a month with no sex and is like I don't even care 4 him. Do you guys thing there is something wrong with me??? I need help, I don't wanna break up with my husband over this. I have a feeling that we are going to break up because I don't think I can take it with his fighting all the time in front of my daughter she gets scared because he starts to scream really loud. Sometimes I hate him & there are times that I love him. Please someone help!! It sounds to me like he has definitely not forgiven you for sleeping with someone else while you were separated, and because you don't show much interest in having sex with him, he may be thinking that you would rather be with the "other man" or that he doesn't turn you on as much as the "other man". I'm not sure how long ago this affair happened but it sounds like it is still very fresh for your husband. I would also recommend that you cease ALL contact with this "other man", if your husband is aware of it, it's just like throwing salt into an already open wound -- OUCH! I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you, sex can be a very mental thing for women, and if you're feeling hostility on a daily basis from your husband (justifiably so) that doesn't lend itself to strong feelings of sexual desire on your part -- it's a vicious cycle. You need to give him time to come to terms with this and it will help him immensely if you can put forth an effort - even if you don't always feel like it. Now I'm not condoning faking orgasms (nobody benefits from that), but initiate sex, even though you may not feel like having it - remember that you love this man and right now he needs to feel like you love & want him. Saying it isn't enough - you have to do things, and not just sexual things, to show him. I also think it is inappropriate for him to yell & scream at you in front of your daughter and I would tell him so, during a time when he's able to listen to & hear what your saying. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 douche chills Huh? What in heaven's name is that? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Greta is right, but you should also tell him about your cheating on him. Why make him live & love you, under false pretenses? Do you want to live with a guy knowing there is a possibility he might not be with you right now because there's something you did and didn't tell him? I couldn't live with the guilt. Some people express their love more then they show it verbally. To him maybe sex is his way of trying to feel close to you. When you don't give that, you are pushing away. You two need marriage counciling, there is a big lack of communication here. Both of you are very frustrated and a couple can only take so much stress between each other before it breaks. You two have alot of issues to work on, the trust is gone. You two really should see a councilor. Link to post Share on other sites
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