Am I settling?

[Rokitty]

I recently got married because I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids with him one day. But I'm not in love with him.

 

I am however, in love with someone who doesn't love me. Bummer.

 

So I have decided that the good things about my relationship with my husband outweigh the bad, and that I can be happy with him. We don't have passion, but I am into music and get to channel my passion in another way.

 

Problem is, we hardly ever have sex and I feel like I have to force myself to have sex with him. I just read somewhere that if sex is a low priority for both of us then a relationship like this can work. I only have sex with him as I feel obligated, not because I want to.

 

He knows I'm more passionate about my music than I am about him, it's obvious.

 

Can it work?? Or am I settling for second best? I feel like I couldn't feel the way I feel about the person who doesn't love me for anyone else, so if I wasn't with my husband I feel I'd be lonely forever. And I do want to be with my husband. It's just that this lack of romance / passion is an issue.

[january2011]

Have you ever enjoyed having sex with your husband? If you have, why not try to have sex more often. How about agreeing to having a quickie either once in the evening or once in the morning for the next three weeks?

 

The reason I suggest this is that sometimes in LTRs it's easy to fall out of having sex on a regular basis and then it becomes a habit. Life gets in the way. You're both too tired, so might as well forget it, etc.

 

I suspect that if you had sex more often with him and it was enjoyable sex, your emotional bond with him will strengthen. And your passion for him is likely to increase as well.

 

I think it goes without saying that whoever this other person is, you need him out of your life forever. Either your marriage vows are important to you, or they are not. If they are, then you need to do everything in your power to protect your relationship with your husband. And that means not allowing another person or thing to drive a wedge between the two of you.

 

And while music is something that you are passionate about, I think that you also need to re-consider how much time you spend on it at the detriment of your relationship with your husband.

 

It might be worth looking into MC and/or IC.

[Woggle]

One day this will end in disaster.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Please describe the differences between 'love' and 'in love' relevant to your personal circumstances.

 

Second, age range would be helpful.

 

Thirdly, is this a love marriage or arranged marriage?

 

Lastly, were you 'in love' with this other person before meeting your H? If yes, and knowing the feelings of 'in love', what prompted you to proceed with your H in light of the disparity in feelings for the two men?

 

In your circumstances, should you not wish to terminate the M, I'd suggest a liberal post-nuptial to reflect your generosity in remaining with a man whom you are not apparently in love with. As he is apparently oblivious to your feelings, perhaps you can have a win-win of sorts with this path and, down the road, if your 'in love' man becomes available, you can move on to him with your H only suffering the emotional trauma, which is quite sufficient considering all factors. I think it would be patently unfair to subject him to both emotional and financial trauma for a choice you made so early in your married life.

 

IMO, you are, if continuing upon your current path, settling, and only you can decide if that is healthy, fair or equitable.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

You two are going to have issues as time goes on. Either one or both of you might be tempted to cheat later in the future..

 

You say you love your husband but you're not in love..Let me ask you, forget passion at the moment, do you feel emotionally attached to him? If no, then it will turn into a roommate situation.

 

Does he feel this way towards you?

 

Wrong reasons to marry him, especially if you're scared to be alone and feel lonely..There are millions of men out there - Single ones you could have connected with on a more intimate level. Yet you married your H for stability and because he's a good man.

 

Promise yourself (and him) one thing..If your feelings change for the worse and you meet someone else that you feel passion with, divorce your husband before pursuing and cheating. Don't cheat on him.

[WhatASituation]

OP, you will have problems later on. If you want to catch a glimpse of the future, please have a look at a thread I've started earlier. Please rethink things before you bring children into this.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Your marriage is not the focus of your sexual or romantic identity. Which means, you are not committed to it. So it will likely fail.

 

On a moral point, you are cheating your husband of mental and physical intimacy. You are dishonest with yourself if you really think a great family life can come of this, once children arrive.

 

Be honest with your husband. Let him make the decision about whether he wants to keep you. If you are both lucky, your fantasy about the other man will pop like the soap bubble it likely is, and there will be enough still in your marriage for you to both reconnect. But don't waste his life and yours.

[Rokitty]

Thanks all for your comments, constructive or otherwise!

 

In response to the comments in order:

 

1. No i did not tell my then fiance i had feelings for another man. Im sure im not the first person to have feelings for more than one person and i wont be the last.

On the financial front, a) we keep our finances separate anyway and b) i am a fiercely independent woman and am proud to earn a good wage and not need a man to support me. If we ever divorced taking money he has earned is the last thing i would do.

 

2. Great advice about the sex thank u.

The 3rd party was in my life for a short period 2 years ago (well before i got married a few months ago). He broke my heart.we have been on and off in contact since but havent seen each other. Since getting married i have broken contact as i agree with your comment my feelings 4 him were coming between me and my husband.

 

3. That is your view, and a very judgemental one at that. I disagree with it. If theres anything this forum proves its that relationships are complicated ,and one size doesnt fit all.

 

4. THank you for the welcome.

My view of love is a deep, caring, lasting love, what is left after the passion burns away.

But being in love i see as passion, romance, being head over heels for someone, butterflies when u see them / talk to them.

I used to be in love with my husband but weve been together 9 years and the passion has burned away.

Im aware that for some couples the passion and butterflies doesnt burn away however. ANy lucky ones like that reading this?!

Im 27 and its a love marriage.

See comment above on the financial thing!

I absolutely love my husband, theres no doubt about that. But this passionate butterflies thing is missing, but i thinks thats normal for a lot of long term relationships. I cant compare the initial spark with this other person to a 9 year relationship. Having said that, my god was the spark electric. And ill never forget my one that got away, ever.

 

5. Yes i think with a lack of passion the cheating thing is a risk. I get my passion from my music but if my husband felt that way about someone else who knows. I wudnt say i trust him not to cheat ,but i trust him not to hurt me.

Its nowhere near a room mate situation. We talk about the boring stuff in life, but we laugh, i enjoy his company and when i look at him i feel strong affection (not all of the time though, he does wind me up sometimes which is natural i think between 2 people with different thoughts and personalities).

 

6. My situation is NOTHING like yours. I am still attracted to my husband ,i just dont feel like having sex with him.

 

7. i would point out that my husband doesnt really initiate sex very often either so 'cheating him of intimacy' is bollocks. We both seem to. Have a low sex drive so it does kind of work ok.

You are right about the 3rd person being a fantasy- ive liked him since school and he rejected me then and i think the whole 'wanting what you cant have' thing plays a part. But taking that out the equation i still had incredibly strong feelings for him that i dont think will ever go away. It wasnt lust ,it was love ,but i was infatuated by him.

 

 

Bottom line- i need 2 be 100% sure that what i have with my husband is enough for me to last a lifetime before thinking about having kids. Cuz that 2 me ,is when i am truly committed and there is no going back.

For some people i think it would be enough, but for some people a lack of passion and spark after years together would not be acceptable, and would be 'settling'. Question is ,is it settling for me, or not?

 

Id like to think i can be happy staying with my husband ,but time will tell.

[Rokitty]

By the way why is it assumed the man earns more thank the woman?! I actually earn more!

[todreaminblue]

I recently got married because I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids with him one day. But I'm not in love with him.

 

I am however, in love with someone who doesn't love me. Bummer.

 

So I have decided that the good things about my relationship with my husband outweigh the bad, and that I can be happy with him. We don't have passion, but I am into music and get to channel my passion in another way.

 

Problem is, we hardly ever have sex and I feel like I have to force myself to have sex with him. I just read somewhere that if sex is a low priority for both of us then a relationship like this can work. I only have sex with him as I feel obligated, not because I want to.

 

He knows I'm more passionate about my music than I am about him, it's obvious.

 

Can it work?? Or am I settling for second best? I feel like I couldn't feel the way I feel about the person who doesn't love me for anyone else, so if I wasn't with my husband I feel I'd be lonely forever. And I do want to be with my husband. It's just that this lack of romance / passion is an issue.

 

 

play music while having sex.I could never marry someone i wasnt attracted too i feel its unfair as they could do way better.......I do suggest the music thing ill put down an erotic beat for you forget the chanting listen to the back beat and i am sure you will get your sexy back...lol....

 

ahem sorry choked a little.......this song is universally sexy applies to anyone you are on top of or underneath preferrable..( i love the beat and i also like the whisper in it ..........go slow and enjoy the touch of skin on skin......look into his eyes hear the beat.....and relax into the beat and sway those hips while he i sinside you............good luck .....feel a little heated.....have to go cool off now....over and out .....deb

 

Edited September 26, 2012 by todreaminblue
forgot the beat in the heat of the moment

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Rokitty

 

Good of you to reply to all posters. Should let you know you should reply by name as the post numbers you gave were wrong by the time I read your reply.

 

I can see you feel in a dilemma and are asking for help.

 

I, like other posters, am trying to point out aspects of your situation that you may not be aware of. This, In the hope you can apply any understanding gained.

 

So that said, I will call you on the comment "7. i would point out that my husband doesnt really initiate sex very often either so 'cheating him of intimacy' is bollocks. We both seem to. Have a low sex drive so it does kind of work ok.".

 

For years I might have said I had a low sex drive myself. I don't. What I had was a wife who was closed off, did not communicate, and in many small ways gave me the impression that she wasn't that into me. So I didn't ask for sex much. Emotional intimacy would have given grounds for more physical intimacy. But we didn't have that. Choosing to believe it doesn't matter much to your husband - without giving him the option to decide, and saying you have a low sex drive in the marriage at the same time as having a sexual/romantic attachment elsewhere, can't be fair and seems self-deluding.

 

Here's the point - you have the means to radically improve your relationship with your husband or set him free: Honesty. Or, you can continue to disrespect him with your lack of candour and lukewarm non-commitment. Don't think that has a good outcome.

 

I wish you strength with your decision-making.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Rokitty - some statements of yours have an odd ring.

 

"He knows I'm more passionate about my music than I am about him, it's obvious."

My take : it's the Other Guy you are passionate about. It's not the music. Perhaps you are saying 'He knows there's something wrong but I won't tell him what it is."

 

"No i did not tell my then fiance i had feelings for another man. Im sure im not the first person to have feelings for more than one person and i wont be the last.". My take: a truism - but not much of an excuse.

 

Also, Let's do the math. Your relationship with your husband has been 9 years. Your electric-spark-fling/ one-that-got-away who you would have dumped your husband for, was two years ago. Based on the above, your now-husband was in the dark about that too.

 

" I am still attracted to my husband ,i just dont feel like having sex with him."

My take: that is not attraction. And you know it: the "attraction" feelings are reserved for the other guy.

 

Look Rokitty, you are only a few months in. Be honest with your husband about the bad and the good (your NC since marriage) but above all about your feelings, and let the chips fall. Good luck.

[Minka333]

You are settling. Convincing yourself every thing is ok. Were there nights when you asked yourself how life would be like if you were in the arms of someone you are truly passionate about?

 

But i also can see that somehow you feel comfortable inside your safe zone. That's why you'd rather overlook the missing passion rather than face the uncertainty of the huge unknown.

[Kamille]

Is it possible that you and your husband are going through a phase that's making you re-assess all your feelings for him?

 

When we look back on past events, we always color them with our current feelings. Right now you're feeling somewhat blah about your marriage and are struggling with sexual intimacy. Is it possible that you're trying to explain the current situation by turning to the past? That your amping your past heartbreak to "love" status because this could free you from having to work at your marriage?

 

Have you really never felt passion for your husband?

 

Another related questions: How often have you gotten your heart broken? If that one guy two years ago was the only one, is it possible you're granting that relationship more power than you should precisely because he broke your heart? Was that past relationship really the kind that would make it through the long haul?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey OP, you are completely normal. I think that in majority of married couples, one feels this way.

 

It all depends on what you personally like.You get to have a husband, kids and be accepted by society as "normal". This is enough for happiness to most people.

 

Most can't have it all. I chose to go another way and to remain single unless I fall IN LOVE for real. This comes at a huge price too.

 

Don't overthink it. Focus on the positives an go with that.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Rokitty - Eternal says in effect, yes you are settling but that's OK as life is all about tradeoffs. I differ. Eternal has strong views on making such tradeoffs when dating with a view to picking a marriage partner. I can respect that - practical decisions must be made. Eternal, correct me if I misrepresent you there.

 

But you already made the tradeoff, are further down that road. It apparently sucks. You ask if you settled - indeed you did. But RIGHT NOW you have the potential for a much closer emotional connection with your spouse. Consider, he is unaware of the tradeoff he has made, as you have hidden this huge emotional debt you feel outside your marriage.

 

If you never want spark, emotional intensity, honesty, trust and respect with a partner, then indeed you can carry on as you are. Seems less like a tradeoff to me, and more like a life sentence without the very things we all seek. And it will likely fail anyway and just waste everyone's time including your own.