Ex from the past

[goofgirl]

Happily married here, but I am not sure what this is about. My ex from 16 yrs ago entered my life again and now I see him on a regular basis via AA. At first, I was abhorred to see him. I said hi out of courtesy and to let him be comfortable. It's hard to get sober and it is awkward, and I have much more sobriety over him.

 

He gave me his phone number and I did the same. At the time I felt on the spot and I had (still have) no intention of calling him. BUT as time has passed (a week), I find myself thinking about him, even light fantasies. WTH? I don't miss him, am not attracted to him -I'M the one who broke up with him 16 YEARS AGO!! I have a great marriage and love my husband.

 

I have his number and am contemplating texting him. Although the intellect in me knows this act is likely not a good choice. I want to know what's happened since we split, what's in his life now.

 

What to do? Is texting him w/out my husband's knowledge a very bad thing? Ok, yes, I just asked this question (*smack*).

[goofgirl]

Seriously - 22 views but no thoughts? I'm sorta stuck here. I really want to text/email him. And I don't know why??? Curiosity?? I've put some thought into this, if my husband were to do that I'd be a little suspicious, nervous, hurt, worried. So why do I want to do it?

[Ursa]

Perhaps it has more to do with your shared history as users or drinkers than anything else. Don't text him, don't flirt with him, but treat this as a threat to your martiage AND your sobriety. I think you should talk to your sponsor.

[goofgirl]

Perhaps it has more to do with your shared history as users or drinkers than anything else. Don't text him, don't flirt with him, but treat this as a threat to your martiage AND your sobriety. I think you should talk to your sponsor.

 

Thanks for your post. Can you clarify what you mean by "it"? What has more to do with it?

 

Back then, we weren't exactly drunks (well he was more than I), but just young. It is confusing b/c there is my sobriety and my marriage to think about.

 

I have talked to my sponsor about it, but she's not a marriage counselor, she's only there to help me learn how to live sober. In fact she laughs about giving marriage advice because she's long divorced. When I last talked to her about it, I was not wanting to have anything to do w/ him. But now I'd like to talk to him. Not flirt, I'm not sure that's what this is about, but talk to him.

 

I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me. Luckily, I think clearly now and don't do rash, impulsive things -- I think them thru more.

[Eve]

I would think that it would be natural for you to go over past memories of the relationship because the memories are mingled with younger days. However I would say that this curiousity you have can be explored openly within the group as it stands and does not need a one on one angle.

 

Obviously it is up to you what you do but personally I tell my Husband if there is anyone on radar whom there may be any attraction issues, past or present. I would expect him to do the same.

 

My Husband has met up with a previous girlfriend from his past with my permission. I allowed this meeting to happen because they had not seen each other in a number of years and she had lost her mother - but I do really trust my Husband. Now, if he was going to be seeing this ex every week, I think I would have a problem with that.

 

So, I think keeping this hidden could cause problems but I don't know what type of relationship you and your Hubby have.

 

I hope all this does not disract you too much from the support on offer at the group? That is the priority here.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[2sure]

Why not tell your husband about running into him and wanting to call him?

That way he can decide if this is something he is ok with or not.

Since you are happily married it would be a horrible shame for a mere curiosity to end up damaging your marriage.

[goofgirl]

However I would say that this curiousity you have can be explored openly within the group as it stands and does not need a one on one angle.

 

Well, you may or may not know this, but AA meetings are for talking about alcohol, and this to me isn't an alcohol issue, it's a marriage issue. It's not really appropriate to bring up during a mtg. I didn't see it at first, but I really do think this now.

 

...I tell my Husband if there is anyone on radar whom there may be any attraction issues, past or present. I would expect him to do the same.

 

I did tell my husband about him being there the last few times I've been there. I tell my husband pretty much everything. A big part of getting sober for me was being honest with myself and others. I'm sensitive to honesty now, which is why I realized almost immediately that my thoughts were not heading in the right direction.

 

...if he was going to be seeing this ex every week, I think I would have a problem with that.

 

Remember, this is AA and not just us arranging to get together every week. He sits on the other side of the room, and so far I've avoided any lengthy conversations.

 

So, I think keeping this hidden could cause problems but I don't know what type of relationship you and your Hubby have.

 

We are tight. Pretty much always have been. The hidden part right now is my fantasies and desire to talk to him. You are right, it probably will cause problems. I neglected to mention that my husband knows this ex, because we were friends long before we got together and married.

 

I hope all this does not disract you too much from the support on offer at the group? That is the priority here.

 

I'm doing my damnest to not let that happen, because my sobriety is much more important. Thanks so much for taking the time to write.

[goofgirl]

You know EXACTLY what will happen if you open up a text exchange. Stop kidding yourself.

 

This is the root of this entire thread IMO. It's my struggle, I know it. I didn't text him last night, I went to bed. I woke up thinking I am glad I didn't text him. The problem is, I can't get him out of my head. I'm thinking about him a lot, and don't know how to deal with it.

[goofgirl]

Why not tell your husband about running into him and wanting to call him?

That way he can decide if this is something he is ok with or not.

Since you are happily married it would be a horrible shame for a mere curiosity to end up damaging your marriage.

 

Because I can't tell him, because I know it's screwed up. And like I just posted above, I am seeing this more clearly. It's not just a mere curiosity. I'm having sexual fantasies about him, remembering our sexual past, etc.

 

This sucks!!! I don't want to ruin my marriage!! I don't want these thoughts there!!

 

Also, my husband is dealing with a pinched nerve right now. He's in a lot of pain and can't do much of anything. Not his fault. I'm trying to take care of him and feel extremely guilty about my thoughts.

 

Now that I've slept on it, I think there must be something missing or something wrong with me to entertain these thoughts. Especially to the point where I really want to text/email him. I'm so stuck and in agony over it.

[redtail]

Happily married here...

 

Then prove it, tell your husband and tell him you've erased your ex's telephone number and have no intention of contacting him, period.

 

Even though I understand everybodys situation is different and I'm not dealing with the issues that you are, I had my ex contact me about 6 months ago after total NC after our divorce a little more than 12 years ago. None. But she wanted to apologize for her behaviour so I responded with no problem, we've moved on and life is good. I told my wife all about it and showed her the messages. Just a week ago my ex sent me a greeting on my birthday, told my wife, ignored the message and blocked her email, end of story.

 

The answer is not that tough if your behavior follows your convictions. My $0.02...

[Eve]

Well, you may or may not know this, but AA meetings are for talking about alcohol, and this to me isn't an alcohol issue, it's a marriage issue. It's not really appropriate to bring up during a mtg. I didn't see it at first, but I really do think this now.

 

I am sorry, I meant curiousity about what he has been up to in the last 16 years! I was thinking that that level of curiousity could be fulfilled within a group setting without having to call the ex. Not the sexual element to your personal thoughts. Yeah, that would be awkward to bring up in goup, lol.

 

Glad you were able to tell your Husband about the presence of your ex at the group. That shows that you are close.

 

I would say that it could be that your libido has increased. I am not sure how long you have been sober but I hear that ones libido can be affected by alcohol and can suddenly come back quite strongly. The other side is that this ex may simply be a turn on. Hand on heart, I think this sometimes simply happens in even the happiest of marriages and it is about how you use this new energy within your marriage. Well, that how I see attractions. They have not stopped happening to me since I got married. I just don't feed the fantasy to the point of it becoming real.

 

Chances are it will all blow over anyway. This person is an ex for a reason.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much. I am not an expert on affairs as I have no interest in such things but from what I have read on here by other posters I think you could be at risk of having an emotional affair in the first instance if you call this ex. I suppose I see the ex as just a bit of temptation.

 

Hope your Hubby is better soon. Sounds like he is in a bit of pain with the pinched nerve thing. I am unsure what restrictions this may present but maybe do a bit of reminiscing of your own together?

 

Hope you work it out and well done you for continuing to go to group. I Would not want anything to overshadow this and really hope your sponsor will at least listen to any concerns that you may have.

 

Keep posting any concerns as they arise but maybe focus on ways to increase intimacy and talking time with your Hubby.

 

As an outsider, it doesn't sound like you are looking for reason to leave your marriage or the marriage is dead - I think this is a case of making sure that you guard against temptation.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[2sure]

You know what...instead of feeling guilty and focusing on your fantasy of this ex....make this an opportunity. Hear me out.

 

You said, something is not right or missing or you wouldn't have these thoughts.

That might be true. If it is, your feelings are a great red flag and heads up to you that your marriage needs some attention and correction. Tell your husband that you feel distance and together repair it.

 

But let me tell you about something I have seen over and over again. A happy marriage, a spouse that might be somewhat bored with themselves or maybe in need of a pick me up....meets someone. Next thing you know...they find fault with the marriage. The opportunity here is to recognize the temptation and acknowledge what's really going on...and find a way to fulfill yourself personally that doesn't hurt your husband and blame the marriage.

[eleanorrigby]

Because I can't tell him, because I know it's screwed up. And like I just posted above, I am seeing this more clearly. It's not just a mere curiosity. I'm having sexual fantasies about him, remembering our sexual past, etc.

 

This sucks!!! I don't want to ruin my marriage!! I don't want these thoughts there!!

 

Also, my husband is dealing with a pinched nerve right now. He's in a lot of pain and can't do much of anything. Not his fault. I'm trying to take care of him and feel extremely guilty about my thoughts.

 

Now that I've slept on it, I think there must be something missing or something wrong with me to entertain these thoughts. Especially to the point where I really want to text/email him. I'm so stuck and in agony over it.

 

This is it. You are standing at the precipice of destroying your marriage.

The bolded sentence right here is almost word for word what wayward spouses say to justify embarking upon an affair.

 

You want to write and email the guy because you got horny thinking about having sex with him in the past. That is mostly likely the extent of it.

If you keep entertaining these thoughts you just may ruin everything.

 

Could you go to a different AA group?

[twosadthings]

You say you're happily married but you're in AA. I can't believe or at least am not likely to believe that your alcohol usage hasn't made your husband so happy. Now you're setting him up for and actually have already committed an act of faithlessness.

 

In your first post you said what a wonderful guy your husband is. Later on you're questing if something is lacking because of how you feel. Maybe you should not question what's lacking in your marriage but what's lacking in yourself. It certainly isn't a lack of selfishness or self-indulgence in pursuing the thrill of reconnecting with someone who is less sober than yourself and that you dumped 16 years ago.

 

Straighten up now or we'll be seeing a post from your husband in four months in the Infidelity section.

[2sure]

Just thought of something.

You are in AA because you have been in part self medicating. Many people who quit drinking fill that hole with religion or other drugs. Could be you are having a hard time explaining this attraction to yourself because you currently have a hole alcohol used to fill and have not yet found a healthy way to fill that. An affair won't do for you what you need.

[goofgirl]

Hi, sorry I dropped out for awhile. My husband hurt his neck and so I've been dealing with all that - it's tough going.

 

And with that said, I haven't talked much about it with him because it just isn't the time. He's in a lot of pain and pretty miserable. The last thing I'm going to do is drag him down this road. He needs me there and I will be there.

 

I'm not going to erase the ex's number and I can't say I don't have any intent of contacting him. I don't believe that me saying I have a happy marriage needs I need to prove it by doing whatever you suggest. But thanks.

 

Before my husband's injury go worse, I had talked to him about seeing the ex. So he knows he's there. On the days the ex has shown up, I told my husband about it. I told him I gave the ex my phone number. I told him the ex keeps wanting to talk. I can say, I've been almost 100% honest with my husband about this. The only thing I've left out is the sexual fantasies and quite honestly, that's my own private thoughts that don't really need to be shared with my husband if I don't want to. I'm sure there's been tons of times he's fantasized about other women, and I don't feel he needs to tell me.

 

A lot of the time, I envision what my husband would do. What would he tell me? And that's how I try to make my decisions regarding this ex.

 

Thanks for sharing your opinion.

 

Then prove it, tell your husband and tell him you've erased your ex's telephone number and have no intention of contacting him, period.

 

Even though I understand everybodys situation is different and I'm not dealing with the issues that you are, I had my ex contact me about 6 months ago after total NC after our divorce a little more than 12 years ago. None. But she wanted to apologize for her behaviour so I responded with no problem, we've moved on and life is good. I told my wife all about it and showed her the messages. Just a week ago my ex sent me a greeting on my birthday, told my wife, ignored the message and blocked her email, end of story.

 

The answer is not that tough if your behavior follows your convictions. My $0.02...

[goofgirl]

I am sorry, I meant curiousity about what he has been up to in the last 16 years! I was thinking that that level of curiousity could be fulfilled within a group setting without having to call the ex. Not the sexual element to your personal thoughts. Yeah, that would be awkward to bring up in goup, lol.

 

LOL, yeah, that still isn't alcohol related and not really appropriate to bring up at a mtg. Would be nice too though!

 

Glad you were able to tell your Husband about the presence of your ex at the group. That shows that you are close.

 

I told my husband the same day I saw my ex. And yeah, we are close. Like I said, happily married. That's why this is so difficult to me. I've never really had to deal with it before.

 

I would say that it could be that your libido has increased. I am not sure how long you have been sober...

 

My libido has increased! Funny you say that. I'm almost 9 months sober. But since my husband has been injured, well, sex is out of the question!

 

Chances are it will all blow over anyway. This person is an ex for a reason.

 

You hit this dead on, maybe I'm still in freak out mode. But the feelings have definitely metamorphised some, and so I suspect that with some time it'll all fade away. Which is an even better reason to not do anything rash and just deal with stuff as it comes. He wasn't there today, which was a letdown and relief at the same time.

 

...I think you could be at risk of having an emotional affair in the first instance if you call this ex. I suppose I see the ex as just a bit of temptation.

 

This is something I'm very cognizant of and am trying to keep it mind. It's the last thing I want to do - as I know it won't be good for the marriage.

 

Hope you work it out and well done you for continuing to go to group. I Would not want anything to overshadow this and really hope your sponsor will at least listen to any concerns that you may have.

 

I continue to go to AA and meet my sponsor. Sobriety is my #1 priority, and regardless of all the other crap life brings, if I drink it will become 10 times worse.

 

As an outsider, it doesn't sound like you are looking for reason to leave your marriage or the marriage is dead - I think this is a case of making sure that you guard against temptation.

 

You are completely right. This last paragraph sums it up for me to a T. Thanks Eve.

[goofgirl]

This is it. You are standing at the precipice of destroying your marriage.

The bolded sentence right here is almost word for word what wayward spouses say to justify embarking upon an affair.

 

You want to write and email the guy because you got horny thinking about having sex with him in the past. That is mostly likely the extent of it.

If you keep entertaining these thoughts you just may ruin everything.

 

Could you go to a different AA group?

 

You are right, it's a fantasy thing with me. At least I'm aware of it and not denying it. Wayward spouses say there is something missing from within themselves and that's why they go out? I thought people who cheated said there was something missing or wrong within their marriage and so they cheated. I'm not really saying that. I'm not blaming the marriage, I'm looking inside ME.

 

I go to another AA group near my home, and I visit both of these locations throughout the week. I'm not dropping out of my home group as all of my friends and support is there. This is something I need to deal with, not run away from - that's my old alcoholic behavior.

[goofgirl]

You say you're happily married but you're in AA. I can't believe or at least am not likely to believe that your alcohol usage hasn't made your husband so happy. Now you're setting him up for and actually have already committed an act of faithlessness.

 

In your first post you said what a wonderful guy your husband is. Later on you're questing if something is lacking because of how you feel. Maybe you should not question what's lacking in your marriage but what's lacking in yourself. It certainly isn't a lack of selfishness or self-indulgence in pursuing the thrill of reconnecting with someone who is less sober than yourself and that you dumped 16 years ago.

 

Straighten up now or we'll be seeing a post from your husband in four months in the Infidelity section.

 

Yes, I am happily married and am in AA. Believe it or not, the two actually do go together quite well. See, if I said I was happily married but went to the bar every night, well, then, that'd be another story. Not drinking is what has contributed to making us happy.

 

Sad to say, but the negative stereotype of being an alcoholic is still alive and well. Sure, I have a disease, I can't drink. To correlate my sobriety to me not having a happy marriage is a bit silly when you think about it. Should all AA'ers not have happy marriages?? Should we just go on, living our miserable sober lives without being happily married??

 

Anyhow, I do not believe I have committed an act of faithlessness, but it's your opinion so we'll leave it at that.

 

Again, I wasn't necessarily trying to say that something was lacking in my marriage, but within myself. And yeah, he is a great guy.

 

Out of your entire post, this part struck me as the most useful: "...reconnecting with someone who is less sober than yourself". I've given it some thought and am still thinking about it, so thanks.

[goofgirl]

Just thought of something.

You are in AA because you have been in part self medicating. Many people who quit drinking fill that hole with religion or other drugs. Could be you are having a hard time explaining this attraction to yourself because you currently have a hole alcohol used to fill and have not yet found a healthy way to fill that. An affair won't do for you what you need.

 

I was hoping this wouldn't evolve into a discussion about my sobriety and why I'm in AA. But I realize that it's a valid part of the original post, because the two are definitely intertwined.

 

Honestly, the reason why I'm in AA is because I couldn't quit on my own. I'm an alcoholic, and once the booze hits my system I just keep on drinking. I wanted to quit, and AA was my way out.

 

The "hole" so to speak, has been filled with me pursuing hobbies, spending quality time with my husband and family, and volunteering for causes that will help others. I also spend my time connecting with other alcoholics and reaching out to those who need my help - paying it forward.

 

Trust me, an affair is NOT what I'm looking for. I'll give it some serious thought as to what you suggest. And you know, sometimes there really isn't a clear cut answer. Perhaps this is just the way it goes for me after running into an ex I was once deeply in love with.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just because you have fantasies about someone doesn't mean you have to act on them.

 

I would wager most men have sexual fantasies about some random woman "x" every day of their life and yet we (well some of us) don't cheat at all.

 

It's a matter of self control, committment, and good boundaries. I think the book "Women's Infidelity" is probably right. Women don't expect to have to fight urges for other people when they marry and so women can be vulnerable to it when lust surprises them all of a sudden. They never thought they'd want to cheat.

 

Don't text this guy, it's not appropriate. Set good boundaries for yourself. The urges? Probably normal, doesn't mean you need to act on them.

[goofgirl]

Just because you have fantasies about someone doesn't mean you have to act on them.

 

I would wager most men have sexual fantasies about some random woman "x" every day of their life and yet we (well some of us) don't cheat at all.

 

It's a matter of self control, committment, and good boundaries. I think the book "Women's Infidelity" is probably right. Women don't expect to have to fight urges for other people when they marry and so women can be vulnerable to it when lust surprises them all of a sudden. They never thought they'd want to cheat.

 

Don't text this guy, it's not appropriate. Set good boundaries for yourself. The urges? Probably normal, doesn't mean you need to act on them.

 

That's an interesting take. I did text him already, but thankfully he hasn't responded. The text was verrrry short, didn't say much except for hi. I think his phone probably doesn't accept texts. He's not in the best place financially so he doesn't have the fancy phone I have. I'm kind of grateful too.

 

For YEARS I've been happy with the man I married and never gave even a tiny inkling of cheating. I've had other men give me looks and whatnot but completely disregarded them. This latest thing completely took me by surprise. I'm happy to report, that the strong feelings have subsided quite a bit. I hope they just keep on going!! Thanks for your post, I was really glad to read it.

[goofgirl]

Update. Yesterday I called the ex. It was driving me crazy and I couldn't get over it. We talked for about 1/2 an hour.

 

I talked to my husband about the whole ex thing last night. He was so non-chalant it really put me at ease. For some reason I had built up this whole thing, thought he'd be freaking. He said, so are you guys finally settling down? I say, what do you mean? He says, you know, comfortable with seeing each other at mtgs and stuff. I said, oh sure.

 

So then I told him about the entire phone conversation. The only thing I didn't tell him was that it was me who called him. I think it's ok he doesn't know that, it might unnecessarily put worry in him. There was a part of the phone conversation with the ex that stuck with me. At one point he said, well, you've gained a few pounds, but you are still pretty. I said, gee thanks. It was the way he said it, like, eh, so you are fat, but you are still a little pretty. I have gained weight in the last 16 yrs, but I feel beautiful as ever.

 

I told my husband about the gaining weight comment. He rolled his eyes and said, gee what a romeo. hahaha.

 

I feel so much better about it now. Talking to my husband really brought reality back. I have it so good. My husband would never say something like that to me, he always tells me how pretty I am, how lucky he is to have me, how thankful he is to have me as his wife. I don't know what the hell got into me. Anyway, I'm better now. Thanks for all of the advice.

 

Harsh as some of it was to hear, I felt like everyone who posted on this thread honestly cared and was trying to save me from a world of pain and hurt.

[standtall]

 

This sucks!!! I don't want to ruin my marriage!! I don't want these thoughts there!!

.

 

Simple..stay the f*** away from the ex..go to AA somewhere else. Unless you're in some distant town, there are AA groups everywhere. You are the one who is in control and 100% responsible for what happens next. You will have no one else to blame but yourself.

 

I intentionally stay off of facebook and other social media for this very reason.

[alexlakeman]

I guess then "loose the weight" b4 your husband is the one calling HIS ex...

 

 

So why can't you just play catch-up at the next meeting? There's usually coffee after the meetings and little groups linger and chat before leaving for home. Honestly, how long would it take him to tell you that for the last 16 years he's worked at such and such company(s), went to rehab 3 times before it finally 'took,' how he met and married so and so, has 2.4 kids and an Irish Setter, little Junior is the county-wide soccer champ, he goes fishing on the weekends with his other AA buddies, and he's been living in Anytown USA for the last X amount of years, and blah blah blah.

 

You know EXACTLY what will happen if you open up a text exchange. Stop kidding yourself.

 

....you forgot, "and being an alci, hasn't paid child support for the last 11 years, and last saw his kids 8 yrs ago, and he's on welfare, but gets to liquor up with his buddies"...