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Husband Self Absorbed - I'm Miserable


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I need advice. I'm married to a man who is self absorbed. Here's my problem. The world revolves around him and his son who is 12. My husband loves to hear himself talk - I can never get a word in edgewise. When I try to talk about my interests, etc., he belittles me.

 

For instance. At the end of the work day he'll go on and on about his job and the people he deals with during the day. After fifteen minutes of listening to him (and I'm polite and really listen to him) he'll never once ask me "So how was YOUR day?". If I say I had lunch with a friend he won't ask "Who?" or "Where did you eat?". He doesn't seem interested in ME as a person at all.

 

If he calls me during the day and I'm reading a book he won't ask "So what are you reading?" - just little things like this. He never takes any interest in me as a person - when I try to talk to him and tell him about things I'm interested in he cuts me down or makes little comments to make me feel stupid or inferior.

 

I don't feel emotionally connected to him. I feel like all he wants is a caretaker for he and his son. In the past my husband has bragged to me about how many women he's been with - he said "I've seen and done it all". I think he says and does things to intentionally hurt my feelings.

 

I've been pulling away and now he is yelling at me for not being a good wife. I've lost interest in sex and am losing respect for him. It's the little things he says to me to make me feel like I'm not intelligent. When I do talk to him about day to day things he always tries to one-up me (he always knows more than I do) or he will look at me like I'm stupid and make fun of what I'm saying.

 

We've only been married a short while and I'm miserable. Things were easier before we got married because back then he didn't take advantage of me and treat me like he does now. He treated me with more respect when we lived apart and I had my own life.

 

Now he expects me to cater to his every need. I told him he'd be better off with an Asian Mail Order Bride who's subserviant.

 

He is eroding my self esteem with his narcissicist ways. When I try to talk to him or suggest counseling he gets angry and tells me I need to be a better wife. He's always saying "I need you to take better care of me" or "I need my wife to do this or that...".

 

What about me? When I try to tell him my feelings he makes me feel stupid and says things like "Oh my gawd".

 

If we're out in public and I start talking to a stranger (just being friendly) - it's suddenly a competition to him - he's got to barge in and dominate the conversation.

 

And he always knows so much more than I do about any subject. When I voice my opinions he has to counterattack me.

 

I didn't marry him to take care of him and be subserviant. I'm very strong willed and independent and outgoing but now I feel like I'm being smothered.

 

The only time he seems to focus on me is when I tell him our marriage isn't working and I want out. THEN he becomes all nice and says how he doesn't want to lose me and will do anything to make it work. This lasts for two days though.

 

He then gets angry and says that I haven't even given our marriage a chance. How can I when he won't listen to me or take me seriously. I've never had someone make me feel so insecure and sad. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

 

And for some reason my husband enjoys saying things to intentionally make me jealous - or he'll oogle other women blatantly to hurt my feelings.

 

If he loves me why does he do things like this? It's made me lose all trust in him. I think he's too in love with himself and his ego. It turns me off sexually and emotionally and all I want is to get out of the marriage.

 

Before we got married I did see some red flags - we dated for about six months and he was charming and wonderful - he did everything for me and was totally different - he really put on a show to get me to marry him. Now that we're married he just seems intent on knocking me down and wanting me to do everything for him.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. He's punishing me by not speaking to me and ignoring me. When I try to talk to him he doesn't seem to care about my feelings - every word out of his mouth is "I need". It's all about him.

 

I didn't marry him to be his emotional and physical slave.

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Fedup&givingup

Sounds ALOT like my husband, only I eventually got mine into counselling. What a crock of sh*t THAT was. He snowed the counsellor, so it was a complete waste of time. Here's my advice on "counselling"...that only works if both parties see a problem and have the desire to fix things. If only one sees the problems, then it's a waste of time.

 

You've already said you want out of this. I don't blame you. He sounds like a self serving, egotystical SOB. I can tell you he won't let you go easily. The longer you stay with him, the tougher it will be to break free of him.

 

Speak to as many attorneys as you can, and do NOT tell him that you want out...I know his type. Just get out. Gather your support system...tell friends that you want out and why, etc. Start the ball rolling.

 

I think you are smart for not tolerating his BS. To be honest, he sounds like the typical abuser. He charmed you, now you've got the real him. He might not ever strike you physically, but he certainly is doing a number to you emotionally. He will do everything to reinforce his superiority over you and why you should/need to be with him. Forget about it, and don't even bother with counselling. He's a lost cause.

 

Keep posting!

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Been where you are, it is no fun. Mine was coupled with his affairs with married women, not a good combo.

 

I'm with Fedup, get the heck out of Dodge while you still have some self-esteem left.

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Yea I think counseling is a waste of time. My husband is a good actor and would put on a show to make himself look good. Why do men act like this? Do they really need to feel all that power and control over a woman?

 

I went into my marriage being honest and open. But this man I married can't seem to be able to treat me as an equal - he's got to be supreme and be the center of attention.

 

I'm a smart, intelligent and independent woman - I want to be married and be a good wife but my husband seems to feel threatened by me for some reason. Therefore he wants to cut me down and control me and make me feel small and inferior. And when he's not doing all that he's competing against me.

 

His bed has a mirrored headboard and ceiling. I swear when we make love he's looking at himself all the time. I mentioned this and said "Can you only get off by watching yourself?".

 

I got so turned off I told him to get off of me.

 

I don't need a counselor - I need a divorce!

 

I'm happier alone.

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Fedup&givingup

Brashgal,

 

HELLO to you on the cheating/affairs accompanied by the superior attitude!

 

Kathleen,

 

That's exactly what I am referring to with the counselling bit...he sat there and put on a fine show, and the counsellor said, "Cheating? I don't think there's any cheating going on" riiigggghhhhtttt. I stopped going, because she's not worth her salt. I feel like once I find evidence sending it to HER!

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I'm a smart, intelligent and independent woman - I want to be married and be a good wife but my husband seems to feel threatened by me for some reason. Therefore he wants to cut me down and control me and make me feel small and inferior. And when he's not doing all that he's competing against me.

 

Oh, GAWD!!! :( The man who says he likes intelligent, independent women but really can't handle one at all :(

At some level, they believe the 'macho' thing that men should be more everything than women, so when they encounter a woman who's an equal, or maybe even better in some things, they turn into cavemen.

 

Leave. Run. Flee. Understand that there are a LOT of those types out there and that having brains and spunk may well limit your choices when it comes to men. Hugely. I've made the mistake of taking up with a couple of them, and there are some among my male friends. Be VERY wary of any man who claims to like women like you. Test the wretches, if you have to, before you ever again make the mistake of trying to live with them, because if you get stuck with another one, your life will be hell all over again. :(

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I'm a man I wouldn't even want to be around this jerk, I hate guys like your husband.

 

I have found over time that most people's favorite subject is themselves, what they have and what they have done.

 

These guys know all the right moves to trap you then your stuck.

 

Dump him or be miserable.

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Kathleen,

 

I read your posting with great interest, not because I believe you need good advise: You seem to be capable of making up your own mind (to divorce) and have already received the supporting comments for this end. Instead, I read your post to distill from it similarities between myself at some point in the past or present and your description of your husband. Of course, your post doesn’t allow you to explain every detail of every event (thank goodness), so my interpretation is not crystal clear.

 

Regardless, let me try to paraphrase, in summary;

 

You feel neglected, ignored, and belittled, detached, inferior, and just my guess, more than a little pissed off.

 

It is of great interest to note how much you discuss your feelings opposed to facts. This is not bad, but just confirms that one more women is in better touch with her feelings than most men. It is also interesting to note facts:

1. He has a son, 12, (from a previous marriage?)

2. You have been married less than one year

3. He works

4. He calls you from work (We wonder why? To neglect you?)

5. You listen “politely” BUT “really” for 15 minutes before you begin to wonder why he’s not asking about your day.

6. During your day you may have eaten lunch. This may have happened at home, or at a restaurant. It may have even happened with someone

7. He may interrupt your book reading when he calls from work.

 

Now, to an outsider like myself, this might all sound trivial, BUT I COULD BE WRONG.

 

Most interesting is that “It's the little things he says to me to make me feel like I'm not intelligent.” My guess is that he doesn’t see these as “little things.” In fact, I doubt they are large enough for him to be aware of unless he concentrates to a degree that he is probably not capable of achieving.

 

My only advise is to consider that many men may not be aware of your feelings, and that before you jump from the frying pan, consider this: No guy will ever be your father.

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And your responses, Samson, to the following:?

 

when I try to talk to him and tell him about things I'm interested in he cuts me down or makes little comments to make me feel stupid or inferior.

 

he will look at me like I'm stupid and make fun of what I'm saying.

 

When I try to talk to him or suggest counseling he gets angry and tells me I need to be a better wife. He's always saying "I need you to take better care of me" or "I need my wife to do this or that...".

 

If we're out in public and I start talking to a stranger (just being friendly) - it's suddenly a competition to him - he's got to barge in and dominate the conversation.

 

Is this the picture of an idyllic life to you?

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If you're that fed up, and you don't believe he would attempt to change or moderate his behavior, you should get out or the marriage.

 

Someone who has to be more intelligent, more outgoing, and more interesting than the person they claim to love doesn't want a partner, they want an audience.

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Kathleen, let me start by saying god I feel sorry for ya. I've never been married so I can't say I know exactly how ya feel, but marriage stories such as this make me wanna stay single forever! I think u already know what ur decision will be, and if u do leave, IMO u will be so much happier. I know there's a guy out there *somewhere* that would deserve ur affections.

 

Samson if u have an SO that u love and u talk to them on the phone, do u constantly go on and on about urself? And who said she needed or wanted a "daddy"? I think u took all that wrong samson, precisely as most guys would.

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Samson,

 

I also hold down a job - but I work part-time. My husband requested I work part-time to be home for his son after school. I don't have to work at all but choose to remain in the workforce because that's just the way I am - I like to have my own money.

 

I am not searching for a father figure in a man. I have a daddy who is 67. I was independent, happy and not looking for love when my husband came into my life. I married him because he really came on strong and we both enjoy alot of the same hobbies.

 

What happened was I screwed up and married him. Now he thinks he owns and controls me. I didn't go into marriage wanting a man to take care of me - I can take care of myself. I went into this because we got along great, seemed to really love each other and enjoy alot of the same things.

 

Everything changed after I agreed to marry him. I can only blame myself for that though. I just don't know why some men have such large egos and feel the need to be so superior and controlling.

 

I've asked my husband to treat me equally - like a partner and best friend instead of like a child. He can't seem to do this.

 

When I try to talk to him about my feelings he gets angry, won't talk to me for days (I have to beg and plead to get him to talk). He enjoys punishing me with silent treatments. This isn't marriage - it's games and I refuse to play them.

 

I want a man who is genuine and not riding on his ego all the time. Otherwise I'll just be fine living alone!

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Is this the picture of an idyllic life to you?

 

Moimeme, it certainly wasn't my intent to imply anyone's life seems perfect, least of all Kathleen's. Just thought I'd offer another point of view: based on what K said, which all seems very truthful, it did not sound as if husband had done anything nearing "divorce-worthy." Albiet, he's not the great communicator, and it sounds like he needs a loud wake-up call.

 

My reference to a possible need for a father figure was based on the fact that husband had fallen far short of K's emotional expectations. This is not a unique grade given to men when women compare them, often idyllically, to their "perfect" fathers. Based on the rather trival negative behaviors given, this sounded like a plausible reason for over reacting to them (or to the lack of expected behaviour, e.g. waiting more than 15 minutes to ask about K's reading material or lunch guest for the day).

 

Of course it would have been much easier to simply jump on the bandwagon and agree that she should divorce the jerk because her feelings are being hurt, but then this is advise I'd could cut and paste to reply every unhappy married women's post.

 

I would just have Kathleen observe her situation as objectively as possible before abandoning it. Predictably she will "be just fine living alone," having learned from this unpleasentness, and that jerk will happily receive a bride in the mail from Honduras 6-8 weeks afterwards.

 

All's well that ends well.

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Some of the issues did appear trivial, but others not so. I agree that people should not jump the gun, but in this case it sounds as though this guy is the sort I've run into more than once. It's possible he isn't, but, as with all the posters on LS, we only have this person's side to go on and it seemed like a persuasive case to me.

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Fedup&givingup

Samson,

 

This guy sounds like a royal A-hole. If he's giving her silent treatments and causing mental anguish, he's got serious issues. This guy is soooooooo typical it's a bit comical....swooping a woman off her feet only to turn you into his "servant".

 

Kathleen,

 

You sound like a well adjusted woman that doesn't deserve this man's crap. You've got my vote and support. I smell what you're stepping in.

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it seemed like a persuasive case to me.

 

Yes, with the huge volume of detailed abuse over a long time, I can see where you'd be persuaded: E. G: :p

 

"My husband requested I work part-time to be home for his son after school. I don't have to work at all but choose to remain in the workforce because that's just the way I am - I like to have my own money."

 

Opps, sorry, but this sounded like a COMPROMISE to me. Also, wondering why he'd "request" anything? He'd better start demanding she stay home 24/7 if he's going to acheive greater jerkdom. ;)

 

"If he calls me during the day and I'm reading a book he won't ask "So what are you reading?" - just little things like this. "

 

OOOoooppps, sorry again, wonder why this inconsiderate A-hole bothers to call his wife at all? Again, failing to complete his calling as A-Hole. ;)

 

Hope you're beginning to see the whole picture here. I'm agreeing with most posters, this guy sounds "familiar" because he is typical. Many men need better communication techniques. Maybe this guy cannot learn, but Kathleen believes "counseling is a waste of time." She might be right, but she'll never know.

 

 

MOST IMPORTANT, Kathleen, if you'll please answer: Would it matter to you if he changed at this point, given his past indescretions?

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Fedup&givingup

That's strange, I could have sworn Kathleen said that it was her husband refused to go to counselling, yet she was willing and had suggested it.

 

This guy sounds uninterested in anything aside from himself.

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Actually she said;

 

When I try to talk to him or suggest counseling he gets angry and tells me I need to be a better wife.

 

AND then she said;

 

Yea I think counseling is a waste of time. My husband is a good actor and would put on a show to make himself look good. Why do men act like this? Do they really need to feel all that power and control over a woman?

 

I would still be MOST interested if Kathleen thinks that if he did completely turn around his behaviour, with or without conselling, then would this change make a difference? Would she continue to harbor resentment against him (and apparently all men)?

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Anybody who routinely gives you "the silent treatment" which btw is pffically refered to as stonewalling,has got HUGE issues with self-esteem and control.

 

It's one thing to say that you are too upset to talk now and need some space it's cruel and maddening to simply not speak to another person for days on end.I've been there honey and you need to stop it and quick!

 

Tell him you'll be making a phone call in the morning and that it's his choice if that call is to a couple's therapist or to a divorce lawyer.

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Thank you to everyone who commented on my post. I really have enjoyed reading everyone's comments - this has helped me alot. I'm sad that I married someone who I thought was my partner and best friend. I can't understand why it's so important for men to "control" women.

 

Is it an ego thing? Do men need constant validation?

 

When someone tries to control me I just feel smothered and turned off. I now see my husband as someone who is weak and insecure. If he was secure he would let me be who I am and not try to turn me into June Cleaver!

 

I consider myself smart, independent and very kind and considerate to others. Co-workers think highly of me and my friends and neighbors think I'm a great person.

 

My husband talks to me and treats me like I'm a dumb blonde. I guess he does this to pump himself up and make himself feel bigger.

 

I just wish I'd married a man who was secure with himself and didn't feel the need to play all these mind games.

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I would still be MOST interested if Kathleen thinks that if he did completely turn around his behaviour, with or without conselling, then would this change make a difference? Would she continue to harbor resentment against him (and apparently all men)?

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Samson,

 

To answer your question - If my husband changed and became more respectful and more interested in ME as a person - I'd be thrilled! I've asked him to respect me and treat me as his equal. I told him that for me to trust him I need to feel respected.

 

I think all in all it's just his makeup - his family history and his previous lifestyle that attribute to the way he is. I can't change him - he's set in his ways.

 

Pretty much I made the mistake of marrying him after only seven months of dating him - I didn't want to get married then - he talked me into it. I was caught up in his charm at the time. Now that the bubble has burst I see what I got myself into!

 

I wanted to go to counseling but after scheduling two appointments and my husband coming up with excuses about having to work late and me having to call and cancel - I just blew it off.

 

Plus how on earth can a complete stranger (counselor) give us advice in a 45 minute session?

 

My husband's exwife left him for the same reasons I'm complaining about. She felt he wasn't meeting her emotional needs so after 9 years of marriage and one child she ran off with another guy (who she later married). My husband told me when she left she told him "You never paid attention to the little things".

 

You'd think my husband would get the message but he still doesn't seem to have a clue. I've reminded him that women need an emotional bond - we need to feel respected.

 

Problem with my husband is - he's more in love with himself than me!

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Dear Samson,

 

I don't harbor resentment against all men. I have four older brothers and alot of good friends and coworkers who are men. I worked for a wonderful man over ten years who I talk to on a weekly basis and consider him my best friend and mentor.

 

My issue isn't with "men" in general. It's with my husband who feels the need to control me and make me feel insignificant - now that we are married.

 

You see, when we were dating he was PERFECT. He was interested in me, treated me with respect and I felt we became best friends. I could talk to him about anything and he listened and was charming and sweet.

 

Dunno what happened to that person after I agreed to say "I DO" - he VANISHED!!!! Now it's "Cook me dinner, give me some loving" and "tend to my every need - you needs are no longer important".

 

Only until I say I'm miserable and unhappy and want out does he do an about face - then he's back to the guy he was before I married him. That lasts for about 2-3 days then he goes into his alter ego.

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Is it an ego thing? Do men need constant validation?

 

Don't be offended, but if you are intelligent, then please do not resort to such odious generalizations. The word 'men' refers to billions of individuals with different ideals, values, personalities, and behaviours. You admit you married too hastily. Therefore, do not seek to characterize an entire gender negatively to deflect responsibility away from your own mistake.

 

I have ended up with idiots like that, too. It was my own stupid fault. Learn from this, and the lesson to be learned is that you should be more careful, not that 'men' are generalizable as anything.

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I would still be MOST interested if Kathleen thinks that if he did completely turn around his behaviour, with or without conselling, then would this change make a difference?

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