How to manage work and marriage

[planetpower]

I need an honest opinion here. I work the average 9-5 M-F type hours while my partner works odd hours at a new job he took for some income. I know he's new at his job, but after a few weeks, I'm finding we never have one day off together. (I'm off weekends) Lately, despite having under 40 hours a week, he's only been given 1 day off a week, in the middle of the week. This is getting bothersome as I'm wondering how we're going to manage time for each other and working. Let's say I'd like to go on a hike together, but we usually both work too late. He is actively looking for another job that is better paying. He says it would be hard for him to ask for certain days off from time to time. And they only give him his work schedule a few days in advance, so it would be hard for me to ask my work for the same day off since it would be too short of notice. Anyone have suggestions as to managing this?

[carhill]

Manage it as a team. Everything is a choice. If the M is the priority, then choices reflect that. If one chooses to allow a job to control or define them, then they choose it. Everyone has free will.

 

If he works less than 40 hours a week, there's plenty of time to prioritize the M. Again, choices. Work it out.

[losingmyground]

Hopefully this is temp. Try to make the best out of the small moments that you have together. While you might not be able to go for a walk/hike, try simply a glass of wine/beer on the patio together. You must keep talking. Figure out how long you guys are willing to live likes this and stick to it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel will make a big difference.

[xxoo]

What are his weekend hours? Maybe you can fit in an early morning hike (as long as it is daylight).

 

That, and a movie rental + popcorn date on any evenings that you can fit it in.

 

Is the problem work, or are other things taking priority when you are not working?

 

If you are used to having full days off together, it can be an adjustment to only have chunks of a day together--but you just make the most of the time you have.

[lemontwist]

I'm in a very similar situation. My husband works ridiculously odd hours. He works from home, but there is absolutely no routine schedule (remote IT guy). He's had a crappy schedule for most of the 5 years we've been together, so I can share a few tips that worked for us...

 

-Maximize the time that you do have together- plan ahead! Even if you may only have 30 minutes that day- plan to take a walk or grab a drink. You'll make better use of the time and look forward to it.

-See if there is a way you can change your schedule to allow for more opportunities together... or take a "mental health day". Of course don't get yourself in trouble, but if you have some personal/sick time built up, use it.

-If he works on a Saturday or Sunday, meet him for lunch/coffee on his break.

-Find a new hobby or skill with the extra time you have for yourself. Over the years, I developed an interest in gardening, Pilates, and photography... not sure that I would explored those otherwise, but I'm so glad I did.

-Reconnect with friends/family- it's important to stay social and keep your social supports strong, especially when there is added situational stress in the relationship. It's easy to feel lonely when you rarely have quality time with your spouse- try to combat that as much as you can by staying social during times you know he will be working.

-Try to increase your communication in other ways. Both should make it a point to text/call/email more frequently so you can still feel connected.

-Be careful to not confuse your disappointment with his schedule with disappointment in him. Evaluate things regularly to put it all in perspective. If you start feeling resentful towards him, be prepared to make some changes.

 

Hope that helps! Hang in there!

[planetpower]

What are his weekend hours? Maybe you can fit in an early morning hike (as long as it is daylight).

 

That, and a movie rental + popcorn date on any evenings that you can fit it in.

 

Is the problem work, or are other things taking priority when you are not working?

 

If you are used to having full days off together, it can be an adjustment to only have chunks of a day together--but you just make the most of the time you have.

 

We're also going to school, (distance learning via internet) so a lot of time is spent on homework over the weekends. I know he is still looking for another job as this is only minimum wage and we're both definitely going to be looking for new jobs within a year, once we get our bachelors degrees.

[Radu]

lemon and carhill pretty much said everything i wanted to say.

 

I would just like to add, that you guys should try to make 'spending time together' into the main background thought in your mind, you will find time to be together.

[planetpower]

He accepted to stay longer at work today even though he's already working 6 days this week and has over full time. Talk about the irony and so much for trying to spend as much time together in his already constrained schedule.

[planetpower]

He accepted to stay longer at work today even though he's already working 6 days this week and has over full time. Talk about the irony and so much for trying to spend as much time together in his already constrained schedule.

 

Actually, correct that. They changed his schedule after they put out his first schedule and he comes in today to find they had changed the ending time to a later time. What would all of you do if you had made plans when you got the initial schedule and they changed it on you last minute? Do you have the right to bring up your original schedule?