Unhappy marriage

[setsenia]

I am very unhappy with my marriage and I just want my husband to spend time with me, suggest we do fun things and so on. He just tells me he doesn't know what I'd like (been together 6 years now) even though I have listed off suggestions. I really want back what we had when we met, but all he does is whine and complain and shows no interest in things I want to do, but never suggests anything. It seems like he is only interested in playing video games and doing nothing at home. Seems like the money thing is just an excuse. I don't know what to do, I am at the end of the rope. And when I try to talk about how I feel, he just gets defensive and says he doesn't want to hear it. He also cuts me down and yells at me in public like trailer trash. On top of that, he wonders why I never want to have sex with him.

Edited August 4, 2012 by setsenia

[tufa4311]

Have you tried counseling - either individual or couples (both would be best)?

I am in no way excusing your husband for not listening and more importantly for disrespecting you, but....it is well known that people, guys usually, can fall asleep during relationships and marriage and not really understand how in trouble the marriage is. You need to make sure you are doing two things - 1. be very very sure you are making it crystal clear to him that you are not happy, that the way the relationship is going is leading you to a place that sooner or later may cause you to start considering separation/divorce. 2. start counseling - you both should go to couples counseling and individual counseling but if he refuses you should go to individual counseling anyway as it will help you no matter the outcome of your marriage.

 

Don't be mean and for sure don't sound like you are threatening him with divorce as this will just cause him to go into defensive mode. You need to be soft, tell him that you love him (if you still do) but that you are slowing disconnecting from him AND that you don't want to go down this road and would like to start reconnecting. If he doesn't want to talk, well then just let him listen. Again, no matter what he does, go talk to a counselor for yourself - you need to do this for your own wellness.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ses,

 

It seems like there's a bit of a pattern of expectation here, that he is supposed to make you happy independently of his happiness.

 

It just, (trying to phrase) seems like you are putting the happiness of the marriage all on his shoulders.

 

Do you know what he would like out if the marriage? Do you know what his goals, plans and dreams are?

 

I might have it flipped, so I am literally just asking.

[Badsingularity]

Well? How did you answer this question?

 

You DID answer him, didn't you?By the way--why is it your husband's job to plan activities that YOU would like to do?

 

Why don't YOU plan those activities yourself?

 

 

Most women like a man who can lead.

 

Also, a woman feels like her man cares about her when he plans things to do together with her.

[setsenia]

Well? How did you answer this question?

 

You DID answer him, didn't you?By the way--why is it your husband's job to plan activities that YOU would like to do?

 

Why don't YOU plan those activities yourself?

 

I'm tired of doing the planning. When he complains he isn't interested in what I've planned, I've asked him what HE wants to do. He just says he "doesn't care" so basically the planning again falls on my shoulders. I am only asking he contribute his 50% to the marriage. For example a little spontaneity, rather than me having to suggest something for us to do all the time. He could just be like "It's a nice day out today...let's do this___ what do you think?" is all I ask for once in awhile. It makes the marriage boring and dull for me. So basically it feels like if I don't suggest something, we sit at home all day doing nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

But you can't expect him to do his 50 if you areeven refusing intimacy with him.

 

That's totally unfair and one if the quickest ways to knock out a relationship.

[setsenia]

I can't be intimate if I cannot connect with him emotionally, which is how I've been feeling lately. It's not that I'm doing it as punishment, but there really is a lot of issues within and outside of the relationship that make me feel far from being in "the mood". Things haven't been going well at all that I'm socked he doesn't understand why I haven't felt in the mood.

[KathyM]

I am very unhappy with my marriage and I just want my husband to spend time with me, suggest we do fun things and so on. He just tells me he doesn't know what I'd like (been together 6 years now) even though I have listed off suggestions. I really want back what we had when we met, but all he does is whine and complain and shows no interest in things I want to do, but never suggests anything. It seems like he is only interested in playing video games and doing nothing at home. Seems like the money thing is just an excuse. I don't know what to do, I am at the end of the rope. And when I try to talk about how I feel, he just gets defensive and says he doesn't want to hear it. He also cuts me down and yells at me in public like trailer trash. On top of that, he wonders why I never want to have sex with him.

Your situation is very typical in marriages, and I know it's difficult to want to be intimate when you feel your husband is not taking your needs seriously in the marriage, or if he's not being respectful or kind, but I can't stress enough how important it is to not let the intimacy side of your relationship go to pot. If you let that go, your marriage will go downhill fast, and will not recover. To men, physical intimacy is how you show your love for them, and they take a refusal as a personal rejection of them. Don't let this aspect of your marriage slide. Even if he isn't doing what you would like him to do. By keeping him happy in this way, your wishes will have a lot more clout with him, and he'll be a lot more likely to want to please you with what you want to do. And take the initiative to plan date nights and activities together. Women are better at that. Don't expect him to take over half of the initiative with this. YOU plan the activities, but run them by him beforehand so you both are in agreement. If he protests something you really want to do, tell him he can choose next week's activity, but this is something that you really want to do. If money is an issue, then suggest doing things that don't cost much or are free to do. Plenty of enjoyable things to do that are inexpensive. As far as him putting you down in public, you need to learn how to effectively and assertively respond to that so he realizes you will not put up with it. I would suggest reading the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. That should help to curb his verbal issues. Now go to seduce your husband, and show him plenty of affection. It's pretty hard to be disagreeable to someone who is showering you with affection on a regular basis.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I could not spread my legs for a man who seemed so uninterested in me or my feelings. I don't blame you OP.

[KathyM]

I could not spread my legs for a man who seemed so uninterested in me or my feelings. I don't blame you OP.

As long as there is a stand off, there will be no positive change. As long as one partner decides they are not going to make the effort until the other one does, there will be no change. I'm suggesting how to get past this standoff, and how to soften your husband's heart towards you. When one person makes a positive change, then the other one normally changes for the positive as well. Don't deny your husband physical intimacy, or he will look elsewhere for it. That is not the way to improve your marriage. There's a lot of truth to the saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Give it to him, plenty of honey, and you will see that he is more willing to go along with your wishes as well.

[RiverRunning]

I'm torn. On the one hand, if it were just a complete lack of desire for non-emotional reasons, I would urge the OP to try and sleep with him more. For a lot of women, it's not uncommon that they're not necessarily 'in the mood' until they're in the process of doing it.

 

But forcing herself to have sex when she's so angry and resentful toward him...I think we really need more information on how this downslide started. Was there an argument? Have money troubles picked up? Is it possible your husband feels you aren't pulling equal weight (with work, money)?

 

I forget if you mentioned this verbal abuse started recently, or if it has always been that way. If it's recent, I'm going to guess it's either the lack of sex from your end or some other resentment that he's holding against you that's causing that treatment.

 

It sounds like he might be depressed, setsenia. You see any signs of that going on?

 

I guess I am going to side with the others and say...try to force yourself, at least here and there, to have sex with him. I know how awful that sounds. But giving more to him increases the likelihood that you will return - any resentments he has against you are only going to continue to build if you withhold this from him.

 

I'd even suggest...try to put in effort into your marriage for two weeks. Pretend as though he hasn't been withholding his side of the bargain from you. Plan a romantic outing or make a romantic dinner (you might even try enlisting his help for the dinner). And maybe at the end of that two week period, I'd try to sit down with him and talk to him. See what's going on. Would he be willing to try and plan one romantic night per month to start out with?

 

Really decide on what you want to happen here.