Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I have posted on this one before but will try to be short. I have been with my boyfriend for over one and a half years. He is a GREAT guy! He is 32 and I am 28. He loves me so much and asked me to move in with him after a few months of being together. He had never even considered asking one of his ex-girlfriends to move in with him, come on business trips with him, drive his car ;-) etc.. He tells me he loves me so much and that I am the most important person in his life! I am not exagerating but there is so much love between the two of us and we both agree that we are so lucky. Every single morning he wakes up, rolls over and gives me a very intensive hug thanking me for being in his life. He always falls asleep holding me when we go to bed. I told him that I was sure that he was so kind and affectionate with everyone of his other girlfriends and he said he hated cuddles because they prevent you from sleeping and that he hadn't said "I love you" to most of his short term girlfriends. He often tells me "I love you so much it hurts" All his best friends said to me that he has gone from this absolutely independent guy to someone who has FINALLY really fallen in love. They are very happy for him and I get on very well with his friends and family. He has got significantly more money than me (just bought an expensive house) when I have always been an Academic studying for years, doing my PhD, studying all kinds of languages etc. Well, I did my PhD in economics, therefore am starting to cashing in now. My question to all those guys out there: When you love a woman more than you have ever loved anyone; don't you want to take her off the market? I am quite pretty and guys keep falling in love with me. I have never had problems pulling the quality type of guys but I DO WANT this one. Why hasn't he proposed yet?? What is missing? I am glad about any input from your sides? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 If you are in a committed relationship he probably doesn't think you are still on the market. If you want to marry him, ask him. Have you even talked about marriage with him? Why don't you initiate the long-term relationship conversation. Find out what he wants, his goals, priorities, dreams, realities, expectations, etc. and share yours with him. Discuss kids, religion, politics, short- and long-term professional and personal goals. Talk about how you visualize your marriage and what you expect from it and what your dreams are. Make sure you are on the same page with him. It may be that you two don't mesh, or it may be that he just hasn't thought about it because he is happy with you and thinks that you are happy. His ideas about his role in a marriage may be different from what your ideas about his rold in a marriage should be, and vice-versa. He just bought a house -- did you have any input in the selection? Did he say he bought it with you in mind? Did he take your ideas into consideration? Or did he buy it before he knew you? I guess the way you phrased your post made me think of ownership. Do you want him to establish some kind of ownership over you? Or do you want ownership over him? Are you dating others because you are not married or have you made a commitment to him? You talk about how easy it is for you to find quality men -- are you considerate of his feelings and his happiness? What do you want for him? How do you want to make him happy? Your post made me think you are a very shallow and/or selfish person, but it may be that its just the way you worded your post that initiated that reflex from me. Kind of put me in mind of a spoiled child who always gets what they want and when someone finally says No to them, they don't understand it. These are all things you need to talk with him about. Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Why do you consider yourself "on the market"? You're in a commited relationship and you live together. What would the marriage change? Why would he buy the cow when he get's the milk for free. It's a simple thing, but when you decided to move in with him, where he can roll over and squeeze you every morning, you gave him everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 Thanks Errol. Your post was really thoughtful. My mother tongue is not English therefore my words may come across as a bit harsh at times. I don't think that I am like a spoilt child. He decided to build the house two years ago, just before we met. He very much involved me in chosing things, coming to have a look at the construction progress etc. We now live in it together. When he talks about the future he says: "we" all the time. I think, generally, he is more focussed on money and "nice things" (expensive cars) etc than I am. These things mean absolutely NOTHING to me. But that is pretty much the only thing where we differ. Well, let me rephrase. Nice cars, boats etc can be nice but only if you put them somewhere 10th priority after striving to become a better person, establish a beautiful relationship, having a family (with or without being rich) Anyway, as I say, we get on really well and it sounds like he really plans on staying with me for a long time. No, we are absolutely not dating others!!!! But are very committed and faithful to each other. It just seems weird that he can tell me his feelings for me so openly, (he even cried once when I was upset with him and said I couldn't see the two of us together) but has never hinted marriage, as such! Well, he dropped a few hints about 10 months ago but then stopped again. It just seems weird that he can express his feelings so well, adores me and has changed a lot (according to his friends), wants to involve me in EVERYTHING that goes on in his life but has never actually brought up a wedding or "our children". what do you reckon? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 corythosaurus! I hate you ;-) Do you really think that's what the story is? I mean, I do remember his desperate attempts to see me when we didn't live together! He couldn't go for two days without seeing me and it felt soo good. I hate the thought of feeling so comfortable around him in this lovely house ;-) and having done the wrong thing by moving in with him!! Why are guys so calculating? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I reckon you ought to talk to him. Especially about children. I don't know your ages, but if you have talked about children and have both decided that you want them someday - you have to think of your age and health and the timing for having them. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 PSSSH. You're giving guys too much credit. We're not calculating. Our reasoning is, well, let me speak for myself, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. What would marriage change? You'd get a ring? A certificate? That's about it. Wouldn't change anything in your relationship really, would it? Personally, I don't see the point of marriage, but I'd do it for her. Doesn't really make a difference to me much. I'd be happy with someone for the rest of my life, married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 The next time he rolls over and whispers how much he loves you.....respond with a "Then why don't you marry me?". That should open up the conversation. Some guys need a nudge...... Good Luck Layla! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 He's 32 and I am end of 28. But wouldn't you (lots of guys) feel trapped if all of a sudden "the chick starts talking kids, commitment and rings" when everything is going so perfectly without that stuff?! Sorry, just trying to see it from a guy's perspective I do not want to chase him away! How the hell do I bring it up?? And why the hell doesn't he put me out of my mysery and spare me these embarassing questions?' Shouldn't it be the guy doing the first steps?? I mean HE was the one to ask me out! HE was the one telling me he loves me (before I said it), he was the one begging me to come and see his family after like A MONTH, HE was the one asking me to move in with him! and HE should be the one bringing up kids and MARRIAGE :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 Kevin, Where I am from "a relationship" means nothing in front of the law!! If I had a baby and he decided to bugger off, I wouldn't get anything!! I am absolutely not trying to get his money or anything, but I think as a woman you want to be married and sure that you have some sort of legal insurance that he has to look after the kid and at least pay a little bit. PLUS: I think there is nothing more romantic than telling the world and god that you want to spend the rest of your lives together!! Arabess: I would be so EMBARASSED if i brought up marriage over the "traditional morning cuddle" Oh my god! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Why would he buy the cow when he get's the milk for free. Oh puleeeze! I can hear your grandmommy telling you this one. That's just goofy, besides the egregious likening to livestock. Layla - how on earth can two people be together for over a year and a half and not discuss marriage - even in theory!!???? Surely somebody you know has gotten married and you could have brought up the issue of marriage in general? Every day on the news somebody or other famous is getting either married or divorced - any of these instances could be an opening to bring it up. I have serious doubts about anyone who wants to spend a lifetime with someone but hesitates in discussing important life issues. Heck, I'd not move in with someone unless I knew his views on marriage. Doesn't mean I have to be married, but I'd sure want to know someone well enough to know his views about life. Don't people talk to each other? It's just so bizarre to me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 Hi Moimeme Well and even if I knew his "general" view on marriage. How would I know that he is planning in marrying ME?? Of course we had the odd conversation on why people get married, how much fun it is to have kids etc But it never got concrete! This guy (my boyfriend) may have decided that he wanted to get married one day when he was 11!! But did he marry any of his former girlfriends? No!! Therefore, yes, I do believe that he would like to have a family one day and all the rest; but how can I know that in his mind I am the woman at his side? And i DO NOT want to ask as I believe it is his job! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 .... and what do you tell a woman you are with that you love hanging out with her, even love her but never plan on marrying her??!! Are guys that honest about things. I know that my boyfriends last girlfriend was American and they were together for 3 years! I am sure that she brought up the subject. But doesn't mean he married her! So guys, do you stay with a girl you love even when you know you are not going to marry her? Do you tell her that? Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Layla corythosaurus! I hate you ;-) Do you really think that's what the story is? I mean, I do remember his desperate attempts to see me when we didn't live together! He couldn't go for two days without seeing me and it felt soo good. I hate the thought of feeling so comfortable around him in this lovely house ;-) and having done the wrong thing by moving in with him!! Why are guys so calculating? Guys, in general, are not calculating. We are simple. And he simply has everything. I to, like moimeme, am very surprised that this isn't readily discussed by two people living together. Don't hate me, I just think it's a possibility he doesn't see anything to gain. Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Why would he buy the cow when he get's the milk for free. Oh puleeeze! I can hear your grandmommy telling you this one. That's just goofy, besides the egregious likening to livestock. Sorry you didn't like the analogy, but often times it is acurate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 I don't hate you are you married dinosaur? Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Layla .... and what do you tell a woman you are with that you love hanging out with her, even love her but never plan on marrying her??!! Are guys that honest about things. I know that my boyfriends last girlfriend was American and they were together for 3 years! I am sure that she brought up the subject. But doesn't mean he married her! So guys, do you stay with a girl you love even when you know you are not going to marry her? Do you tell her that? Some guys do. And, some guys don't tell their significant others anything. If marriage is what you want, you need to talk to him! That's it. It's irrelivant what men do or don't do in your situation. What's important is what your boyfriend wants to do or not do, and only you can find that out. Just talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Layla I don't hate you are you married dinosaur? Happily for 13 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layla Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 so Mister dinosaur: why did you ask your girlfriend at the time to marry you? (I assume she refused to shack up with you ;-) give me a few reasons why she was the one and I will leave you in peace ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 No, we didn't shack up together, but I never asked her to. She was and is my best friend. She makes me laugh. She makes me melt with a simple look, she lifts me up with an easy touch, she understands my needs, wants, and desires, and willingly travels with me on the road to fulfilling them together. She is my better half. I am better because of her. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Cory - a brief aside to cheer your great post. It is SO nice to hear about the 'happy-ever-afters' once in a while midst all this grief!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Arabess: you are CRAZY! I would be so EMBARASSED if i brought up marriage over the "traditional morning cuddle" Oh my god! Layla, I just can't imagine feeling close enough to someone to WANT to marry them, but not comfortable enough to bring the subject up. If I was living with someone and waking up with them....you could BET I'd bring up any subject I wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Cory - a brief aside to cheer your great post. It is SO nice to hear about the 'happy-ever-afters' once in a while midst all this grief!! It's hard work at times and like breathing at other times, just comes naturally. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
corythosaurus Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess If I was living with someone and waking up with them....you could BET I'd bring up any subject I wanted to. That is classic. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I am also just floored that anyone who lives with someone will take no initiative in their own life and puts that burden on the person they claim to love! He can not read your mind either!!!!! How does he know you want to get married? In his place - I'd never ask either. Moooooo I would also tire of being with someone who demanded that I make all the decisions and had no input into the relationship or would not tell me their feelings/wants/desires/concerns/deal-breakers. Link to post Share on other sites
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