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Great relationship, but I want to be BETTER


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A bit long and scattered, but hopefully if you're interested in offering insight you can stick with it!

 

My wife and I have been married for a little over two years, together for over 4. We got married with a plan. We were not going to have children until we got married, and when we did marry, we both knew without a doubt we were going to start trying for kids. As it turns out, we later found out that we conceived about 10-15 days after we got married. On top of that we were having identical twins. It was a stressful pregnancy for medical reasons not really relevant here, but the point is, after 8 months of marriage we had two wonderful girls, so we have not been married without being involved in the birthing/parenting process. Mind you, no mistakes occurred and we never could have hoped to a) get pregnant so fast and b) get both kids 8 months into marriage.

 

I work a fulltime job while completing my doctorate (in dissertation phase, yay) while we also choose to have her home with the kids (now zooming toward 2 years old). I have an amazingly family-friendly job with friendly hours so I spend probably 10-20 of the "banker's hours" at home with the family helping out.

 

To the point: she and the kids have been gone for 5 weeks with family and they will be coming home in 2 days. This time has had me reflecting on things I can do to be a better husband/father. The girls are nursing three times a day and I have always slept in later than the rest of the family due to feeling that there is little I could do anyway since they nurse first thing in the morning. I know this to be wrong and have decided that needs to be one of the first things to change. I know she would appreciate me getting up in the morning with her and the kids to help out and just give us some family time in the morning. Beyond that, I consider myself a highly involved father and love being a part of the routine.

 

For possibly obvious reasons, our sex life has been low in frequency, though high in enjoyment in passion. We have amazing love for each other but just don't "get around to it" often due to tiredness and so forth. Our sex life has NEVER been a complaint for either of us, but we do acknowledge that it is in our control to improve. As such, I have created an intention of trying to shake my night owl nature and try to make sure we get to bed earlier so we have more time for intimacy. If we committed to getting into bed before 11, I know things would be different in a good way.

 

My question to the loveshack community is what are the little things that maybe go unsaid that you find makes the marriage/family life better for you/your wife? I do the dishes, all car repairs, cook 1-2 times week, sometimes more, engage with the kids (change, play, dress, potty, etc). But what are those things that truly impact the parental relationship in a positive way? I never want us to lose ourselves in our kids, which we sometimes do. I really just want to step up and play my part, even though there may be parts that I can be playing without even knowing it.

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Christine52

For women, it's more the little things than doing 1 big thing each month.

 

Here is what I particularly enjoy:

 

1. One really long hug once a day. Sometimes a woman just needs to a firm, reassuring, warm hug to feel everything is going to be ok, and her husband is there to love and protect her.

 

2. Smile!!!!! LAUGH!!!! This gets so lost when raising kids, and we need to stop taking everything so seriously. Crack jokes, tickle her, make her smile :) If you're happy, she will be happy.

 

3. Gaze into her eyes, give her a long kiss, and tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are.

 

4. Yes, take the garbage out, do the dishes, rub her feet - these are all things every husband should be doing anyway, because she is doing all that and more and needs your help!!! Child rearing is often undervalued in our society, but it is a CRITICAL task for anyone to do, and you are doing well already understanding this.

 

5. Lock eyes with her when you're hanging out with friends or at a party. Then maybe have a little make out session in the closet ;)

 

6. When she's being emotionally frazzled, stressed from the kids, etc. don't tell her you're tired from work too and that she's overreacting. Instead, just sit down with her, hold her hands, and listen to her vent, cry, scream. Then nod, tell her you know how much she's doing for the family, and how much you appreciate her and respect her for it. Then ask her what you can do to help. That's what she needs. not, "relax!", not "calm down". Just a caring husband :)

 

7. Chivalry is slowly dying. Be chivalrous, and open doors for her, and carry her bags when you're out shopping. She will pay you back in the bedroom ;)

 

You are a wonderful husband, just for asking your question. She is very lucky to have you!!!

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Star Gazer

I love seeing you pop in, Krytikins. :love:

 

I don't have any advice, other than to say you're clearly already on the right path just in recognizing it could be better and taking the steps to make that happen. :)

 

:::hugs:::

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I love seeing you pop in, Krytikins. :love:

 

I don't have any advice, other than to say you're clearly already on the right path just in recognizing it could be better and taking the steps to make that happen. :)

 

Yeah, this is my yearly "pop in" ;)

Thanks for the encouragement... I'm trying!

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Thanks for the great advice Chris! I especially liked:

 

1. One really long hug once a day. Sometimes a woman just needs to a firm, reassuring, warm hug to feel everything is going to be ok, and her husband is there to love and protect her.

 

She mentioned to me recently when we were discussing the morning routine that she loves the "brushing against her on the way to the coffee pot". I have acknowledged that a sincere everything-else-can-wait hug when I come home from work is something I need to add to the daily routine.

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As my babies got older, my H started taking the kids OUT on Saturday mornings, leaving me alone in the house to sleep, eat, watch tv, or whatever I want for an hour or two :love:

 

Cuddle and make out (PG version) even with the kids in the room playing. It is good for the marriage, and good for the kids to see!

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Once in a while, take the girls to the park for a couple hours and tell your wife to just relax and watch her favorite show. (Make sure the housework is already done so she will actually relax.)

 

Make sure that you never cause extra work for her - don't leave dirty clothes on the floor, put your dishes in the dishwasher, put your mail away, throw your garbage away, etc. Nothing worse than feeling like hubby is another child to care for!

 

Compliment her. Honestly. Not just her looks, but what an amazing mom she is. That you don't know how she does it all. That she is organized, fun, smart, etc.

 

Get on board with her parenting techniques and learn to do things the way she does (as far as rules/discipline) so that you are a united front and she never feels you are working against her.

 

Smile and laugh. Show that you enjoy your family and that you enjoy her as a person.

 

Appreciate all the little things that make her unique. Make her feel special and loved - not with flowers and jewelry (although that never hurts!) - but by knowing and accepting and appreciating her.

 

And - ASK HER what you could do to help more. She knows better than anyone else. :)

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