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Midlife Crisis!!


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What_Am_I_Doing

New to this forum and I have an issue that is absolutely scaring the crap out of me!!

 

My wife of 21 years has 'jokingly' said that she is going through a midlife crisis. Everything that I have read and gotten from actually talking to men who have gone through something like this.......sounds like this typically does not turn out well .

 

Just a little background, my wife is in her early 40's, we are done having children, and it is painfully apparent that my wife wants to rediscover herself. What scares me is to what lengths is she willing to go?? Is this urge to recapture what has been lost going to destroy my family? I hope not............my feelings of security are not very high right now.

 

Anyone else gone or going through something like this? What can I do to help her without smothering her? Is my marriage doomed?

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Read books on this and be by her side.

 

If there is something wrotten in her that could compel her to cheat/dissolve marriage it's doubtfull she will change.

 

But you are a lucky man, not many women would willingly talk about this, even with their spouses.

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What_Am_I_Doing
Read books on this and be by her side.

 

If there is something wrotten in her that could compel her to cheat/dissolve marriage it's doubtfull she will change.

 

But you are a lucky man, not many women would willingly talk about this, even with their spouses.

 

To my knowledge, she is NOT keeping any secrets, she is just trying to rediscover herself, try new things. Not the same person that I have been with for the last 20 years.

 

I DO know that she believes in the family unit and how important it is. I am 99.5 percent sure that she would not do anything to jeopardize that. How can I help her through this? Give her space?

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Personally I'd try to be with her for the ride, not necesarily give her space because when you are married (family unit) you kinda give up the ideea of space.

 

Depends what you mean by space also.

 

I'll be watching this thread, i'm only 30 and i am curious how you deal with a spouse who has a midlife crisis.

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Toodamnpragmatic

It can be very different for a man and a woman. A man it may be more about recapturing their youth, buying that car, getting in better shape and being more assertive about what you want from your spouse.

 

For a woman in can be new interests, hobbies a career change or freedom from being a wife and mother.

 

Usually more scary for the woman, as the male is trying to live his 20's again with money and often means he wants a young GF...... Hopefully that GF is his wife, sometimes it is not.

 

It is that time we start to understand our mortality.

 

A scary time for many of us.

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The fact that you are here shows you are taking her seriously. Keep listening to her and stay connected. Do things together. Think about the early years of your M, what were some of the things you liked to do together?

 

Is she starting a new hobby or activity? Why not try it with her?

 

Be physical together. Stay in shape.

 

Listen to her needs in bed. Make her feel wanted and loved. Send her texts through out the day asking how she is doing or to make plans. Check in with each other. Tell her how you feel.

 

I speak from the perspective of a woman who tried reaching out to my H, but who didn't really listen to me and I crossed a line I never thought I would. I don't blame my H, and I should have been more assertive in what I was experiencing. Like I said, you seem to be taking the situation seriously.

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What_Am_I_Doing
The fact that you are here shows you are taking her seriously. Keep listening to her and stay connected. Do things together. Think about the early years of your M, what were some of the things you liked to do together?

 

Is she starting a new hobby or activity? Why not try it with her?

 

Be physical together. Stay in shape.

 

Listen to her needs in bed. Make her feel wanted and loved. Send her texts through out the day asking how she is doing or to make plans. Check in with each other. Tell her how you feel.

 

I speak from the perspective of a woman who tried reaching out to my H, but who didn't really listen to me and I crossed a line I never thought I would. I don't blame my H, and I should have been more assertive in what I was experiencing. Like I said, you seem to be taking the situation seriously.

 

I AM taking it seriously. We have started a new hobby together....shooting. We have both gotten our concealed carry permits and it is something that she really enjoys...........I have always enjoyed it. And we are both working out to stay in shape for, hopefully, the years to come!

 

As far as making her feel wanted, thankfully, she has found her drive. For many years, I was HD and she was LD. Now we are just about equal. That has seemed to keep us well connected lately!

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It sounds like you are doing the right things.

 

Also, make sure your W knows she needs you. This doesn't mean be needy and whiny, but just let her know she's still your best friend.

 

In my last IC session, I discovered that one of the needs the OM filled for me was the feeling of being needed and important. He always had some problem or issue he had to discuss. I wanted to fix things.

 

My H is so accomplished and successful and independent. I felt like he could live without me, like I was not very important to him.

 

Make sure you talk to your W about your own fears and anxieties. Share your thoughts with her.

 

Does she work? Does she have anyone else in her life with whom she might discuss her problems?

 

Make sure you're the number one person she turns to.......

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What_Am_I_Doing
It sounds like you are doing the right things.

 

Also, make sure your W knows she needs you. This doesn't mean be needy and whiny, but just let her know she's still your best friend.

 

In my last IC session, I discovered that one of the needs the OM filled for me was the feeling of being needed and important. He always had some problem or issue he had to discuss. I wanted to fix things.

 

My H is so accomplished and successful and independent. I felt like he could live without me, like I was not very important to him.

 

Make sure you talk to your W about your own fears and anxieties. Share your thoughts with her.

 

Does she work? Does she have anyone else in her life with whom she might discuss her problems?

 

Make sure you're the number one person she turns to.......

 

I guess what has spurned my 'anxiety' is that we are done having children, she is wanting to go back to school to get her Master's degree and maybe even teach some day. She has been a SAHM for many, many years and I think that she is wanting to do something different.

 

All of this has really come out of the blue. We had talked about it in the past, but is was just talk. Now she is acting on the talk.

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I guess what has spurned my 'anxiety' is that we are done having children, she is wanting to go back to school to get her Master's degree and maybe even teach some day. She has been a SAHM for many, many years and I think that she is wanting to do something different.

 

All of this has really come out of the blue. We had talked about it in the past, but is was just talk. Now she is acting on the talk.

 

Is it out of the blue? Or is it something she's been waiting to do for many years?

 

I might relate to your wife. I'm close in age, and my youngest will soon be in school. I've been talking a lot about trying new things and doing things for myself, as well as gearing up my career path.

 

My H is still the love of my life. None of that means I'm bored with him. In fact, I want to do a lot of new things with him, too.

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I AM taking it seriously. We have started a new hobby together....shooting. We have both gotten our concealed carry permits and it is something that she really enjoys...........I have always enjoyed it. And we are both working out to stay in shape for, hopefully, the years to come!

 

As far as making her feel wanted, thankfully, she has found her drive. For many years, I was HD and she was LD. Now we are just about equal. That has seemed to keep us well connected lately!

 

 

When you say HD and LD are you referring to sex drive ?

If so, can you give more background info, like :

1 - how old were you when you got married

2 - how many times you each wanted it when you got married

3 - when did you know she was LD

4 - how did you act when you realised she was LD

5 - how did you two handle the difference and what was the difference

6 - how is your drive now

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Is she making you the bad guy and blaming everything wrong in her life on you? If you are not the villian in her story chances are you don't have much to worry about.

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What_Am_I_Doing
Is it out of the blue? Or is it something she's been waiting to do for many years?

 

I might relate to your wife. I'm close in age, and my youngest will soon be in school. I've been talking a lot about trying new things and doing things for myself, as well as gearing up my career path.

 

My H is still the love of my life. None of that means I'm bored with him. In fact, I want to do a lot of new things with him, too.

 

Sounds like I should put the two of you together Lol!

 

She has been talking about it for many years, but it has never been very serious. There have been a LOT of changes in her over the last six months that really kind of took me by surprise, new wardrobe, increased libido, more energy, etc. She is basically a different person now...........her biggest fear is turning out like her mother..........mid 60's, sitting at home with nothing to do!! I can understand that...........

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What_Am_I_Doing
Is she making you the bad guy and blaming everything wrong in her life on you? If you are not the villian in her story chances are you don't have much to worry about.

 

No, she is not blaming me at all. She has always maintained that she married me because she knew that I would be steady, a good husband, and a good father.

 

The one thing that kind of took me back is when she said last weekend that she is struggling with the 'good girl/bad girl' feelings, primarily when it comes to sex with her husband. The 'good' christian girl should not LIKE the things that we do (we have started experimenting with new techniques, toys, etc., LOT of fun!!) and she is having a hard time with that for some reason............

 

I just don't want her to have regrets........don't want her to regret marrying me, don't want her to regret having kids, never having a career, etc. She maintains that she does not, basically, it sounds and looks like to me that she wants to move on to some new challenges..............

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What_Am_I_Doing
When you say HD and LD are you referring to sex drive ?

If so, can you give more background info, like :

1 - how old were you when you got married

2 - how many times you each wanted it when you got married

3 - when did you know she was LD

4 - how did you act when you realised she was LD

5 - how did you two handle the difference and what was the difference

6 - how is your drive now

 

1. I was 22, she was 20.

2. First year of marriage was several times a week. Went down gradually after that.

3. After our first child, the sex life pretty much just dropped off!

4. How did I act? Well, at first, I thought that it was me. Now I know that it was not. I learned to deal with it and thought that this was the way it was going to be. Then when she 'changed' 6 months ago, her change produced a large amount of anxiety..........was she dissatified? Was she looking for someone/something else????

5. She has handled the change ok............me, not so well :(.

6. My drive is STILL as high as it has ever been. Hers has pretty much equaled mine..........

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Try and have some fun with her then. It doesn't sound like it is an affair or a walkaway wife situation. If that were the case you would be getting some serious hostility from her.

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I was only a stay at home mom for five years and it drove me crazy! I look back and cherish the time with my kids, but I had to have my own interests. I have thoroughly enjoyed my career and graduate school.

 

Your wife should definitely pursue her dreams in her life and it sounds like you are an integral part of her journey. The fact that you have open communication about her feelings and about your sex life makes me feel that everything will be fine with her. Just keep letting her know you support her and love her.

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findingnemo
Sounds like I should put the two of you together Lol!

 

She has been talking about it for many years, but it has never been very serious. There have been a LOT of changes in her over the last six months that really kind of took me by surprise, new wardrobe, increased libido, more energy, etc. She is basically a different person now...........her biggest fear is turning out like her mother..........mid 60's, sitting at home with nothing to do!! I can understand that...........

 

I like this problem. If this is all it is, then it's not a bad thing.

 

Here's my worry. She one day jokes about going through a mid-life crisis and you roll with it as an explanation for the changes. Please do yourself a favor. I know you think she isn't cheating and can't cheat but the changes you described above can also be A related.

 

While many people in As cut the sex, others increase it. New wardrobe? If she lost a lot of weight it makes sense. If not could be a need for an extreme makeover due to fear of aging as you think or due to having someone new in her life. Increased energy? What do you mean? Is she walking with a bounce? Does she seem always happy? Is she restless and needs to be doing some activity all the time? All symptoms of having an A too. There is the classic but not so common one, when the spouse no longer gets angry about things that usually irritate them. They are just very very happy and easy going all of a sudden.

 

Just do some snooping so that you don't get blindsided after putting in all this effort to support her in her mid-life crisis.

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Sounds like I should put the two of you together Lol!

 

She has been talking about it for many years, but it has never been very serious. There have been a LOT of changes in her over the last six months that really kind of took me by surprise, new wardrobe, increased libido, more energy, etc. She is basically a different person now...........her biggest fear is turning out like her mother..........mid 60's, sitting at home with nothing to do!! I can understand that...........

 

That's my biggest fear right now, too!

 

Send her over. I'll make some coffee and we can chat :laugh:

 

But seriously, for me at least, it has nothing to do with dissatisfaction with my marriage.

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What_Am_I_Doing
Try and have some fun with her then. It doesn't sound like it is an affair or a walkaway wife situation. If that were the case you would be getting some serious hostility from her.

 

No hostility whatsoever, just the opposite. Can't keep her off of me!!

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What_Am_I_Doing
That's my biggest fear right now, too!

 

Send her over. I'll make some coffee and we can chat :laugh:

 

But seriously, for me at least, it has nothing to do with dissatisfaction with my marriage.

 

Everything that I have gathered is that there is NO dissatisfaciton in our marriage........other than the fact that she wishes I would have handled the changes a little better than I have. Getting better though.

 

She still tells me she loves me, daily..........still kisses me with passion, still holds my hand, etc. Did I mention the sex is great as well?:p

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Everything that I have gathered is that there is NO dissatisfaciton in our marriage........other than the fact that she wishes I would have handled the changes a little better than I have. Getting better though.

 

She still tells me she loves me, daily..........still kisses me with passion, still holds my hand, etc. Did I mention the sex is great as well?:p

 

Great sex is one thing, but can be separate from feeling in love.

 

Telling you she loves you daily, kissing passionately, and holding hands.....that is a woman in love :love: I don't think you have anything to worry about!

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whichwayisup
To my knowledge, she is NOT keeping any secrets, she is just trying to rediscover herself, try new things. Not the same person that I have been with for the last 20 years.

 

I DO know that she believes in the family unit and how important it is. I am 99.5 percent sure that she would not do anything to jeopardize that. How can I help her through this? Give her space?

 

One thing you should make perfectly clear to her is, that you WILL NOT tolerate behaviour that reverts her back to teen years - Partying with friends, meeting new people and especially new 'friendships' with men. And that if she cheats, it's over and her life changes forever as she knows it. If she knows the consquences and the fact that you won't tolerate certain behaviours, the chances of it happening are much less, if at all.

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whichwayisup
...........her biggest fear is turning out like her mother..........mid 60's, sitting at home with nothing to do!! I can understand that...........

Then mix it up and do fun stuff. Go sky diving, something that will be exciting to do and kind of crazy.

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findingnemo
Everything that I have gathered is that there is NO dissatisfaciton in our marriage........other than the fact that she wishes I would have handled the changes a little better than I have. Getting better though.

 

She still tells me she loves me, daily..........still kisses me with passion, still holds my hand, etc. Did I mention the sex is great as well?:p

 

Okay....maybe it is a midlife crisis after all but centered on your W's feelings of achievement. If the passion between the two of you is still great, then do support her in her need for further education and a healthier lifestyle. :) sounds like you're having a blast!:bunny:

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