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Hello.. I'm new and I need help....


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Hello all...

I'm new here and I wanted to say hi..

I just got married to a wonderful man but I'm afraid I'm allergic to being married and in a relationship. This is my second marriage and I've been in many other relationships that failed. I feel a pattern in my behavior and I'm not sure how to handle that or change it. I am beginning to poison my marriage and I'm scared. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Lisa

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If you already see a pattern then your best bet is to find a counselor that can work with you on your specific needs and problems. You will feel better and so will your new husband.

 

It can be scary at first -- but trying to make a change yourself in light of several past failed relationships, can be overwhelming. A good counselor will help you to help yourself and keep you on track.

 

Good Luck.

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Please read Love Is Never Enough by Aaron Beck.

 

Also, please give us more detail on what exactly you feel the problem is.

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I will try to keep this as short and to the point as I can.

I go out of my way to make sure he knows I love him... You can think of it I've done it EXCEPT one thing and that's give him space/time..... But in my own defense, I give him space and it's seems to take for ever before he comes back to me. He works very long hours.. He has his own business and I know that alone is a lot of stress. If he puts 1/2 of what he puts into us as he does work, I wouldn't be posting.... We do talk about this often and he says he does put a lot of effort into our marriage I just don't see it because it will never be enough for me. I want him around me 24/7.. That’s what he has convinced himself and I of course tell him that's not true. But is it? I second guess myself and my needs all the time. That is just the tip of the ice burg.

How do you maintain a marriage? How can I be the perfect wife? Don't get me wrong.. I know "perfect" is a harsh word but I'm sure you all know what I mean. I don't want him to need or want of anything, and I mean anything.

Is it selfish of me to want what I give in our relationship? Oh man this post is all over the place...

 

Lisa

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Originally posted by SoleMate

Please read Love Is Never Enough by Aaron Beck.

 

Hey, Solemate - what is the gist of this book? Feel free to PM me if it would hijack this thread to elaborate.

 

Thanks!

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In MANY marriages, especially while the husband is working hard to establish his own business, leave the wife feeling lonely and as though she isn't getting that "I feel special" feeling anymore. It doesn't mean the whole marriage is down the tubes. It just means the two of you are going to have to work harder at it.

 

You can't have him 24/7....but what if you plan a weekly 'date night' for just the two of you? Maybe meeting for lunch once in awhile. Send him off with cute sexy notes hidden in his work pocket....so you'll know he is thinking about you during the day.

 

The bottom line is....he DOES need to put most of his time into his business. He's not building it up financially just for himself....he's doing it for the both of you and your future family. You can't change that....but you can intervene in order to work out some time with him for yourself.

 

Also, you can keep your own self busy doing different things. Find things to do which make you happy without needing assurance from him all the time. Perhaps you could even help him in his business....offer to help him with paperwork or something. Get to know his business so he can discuss it with you.

 

These are just suggestions. I'm sure you'll find a way to work this out or love him thru it.....LOL!

 

Arabess

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Thank you everyone for replying....Everyone makes a lot of sense...and I will be going to his shop once a week to help him out.. Even if it's dusting or cleaning the bathroom it won't matter to me..

I ordered the Book Love is never enough.. Thank you for that recommendation.. I will let you know how I like it.

 

We had a long, very long talk last night about this issue and others.. I know communication is very important. He feels we've had this talk hundreds of times and he's right we have but each time .. It gets better and easier for us to talk and we talk instead of yell which is what we use to do.

 

Thanks again...

 

Lisa

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Book info, extracted from the Amazon website under fair use rules:

 

Love Is Never Enough : How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron T. Beck

 

"With eloquence and accessibility, Dr. Aaron T. Beck analyzes the actual dialogue of troubled couples to illuminate the most common problems in marriage--the power of negative thinking, disillusionment, rigid rules and expectations, and miscommunication."

 

Extracts from user reviews:

 

"...cheesy title does not befit this masterpiece...it addresses pretty much every communication difficulty between _anyone_; its focus is on love relationships, which, as Dr Beck explains, are set to a higher standard of expectation from one's partner, and therefore higher stakes & penalties when one's unspoken rules of the companionship & its roles are broken.

 

if you wonder why you're always irritated with your partner, or get into quick, snapping arguments, this book steps you through the automatic thoughts that come into each party's mind when they participate in what _seems_ to be a simple dialogue or request, but denigrates into conflict. it also explains why situations escalate into pinnacles of unreasonableness, and how to defuse these patterns.

 

pretty much every reasoning/communication error that takes place in close relationships is spelled out in black and white-- and backed by clinical approach in psychiatric science, not gimmicky pseudoscience..."

 

"Forget the pop-psych blockbusters; this is the real deal...A brilliant book--unpretentious, well-written, truly helpful. The astute reader will see all sorts of parallels to contemporary linguistic theory. Do yourself a favor: throw all your New Age psychobabble books in the garbage and read Dr. Beck."

 

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0060916044/103-0544966-2171829?v=glance

 

I'm convinced every LoveShacker who has ever had an unpleasant interaction with a loved one would benefit from this book. I use his advice in my life every day and...it WORKS!!!

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