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Marry your Affair?


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KeepMeInMind

I know the odds are that people who have an affair and end up marrying the other person and are HAPPY are not going to be on this board. But maybe some are. :cool:

 

I know there are consequences to A's and even if you end up together, there will likely be some lingering issues.

 

But who here did marry or intends to marry their OW/OM/MM/MW and is still together?

 

Not seeking advice..just starting a topic I'm curious about.

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I married my affair and we've been together for close to 20 years now (and I was her affair).

 

We are both extremely happy together and I certainly don't regret having the affair for a single minute. I'm sure my wife would say the same.

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It can happen, yes. I have known a few such relationships, but as far as I can recall in these cases we are talking about the marriage having been dead for some while. I am not saying anything here about right/wrong etc, but reading posts on this site I am often surprised by the black/white thinking on the subject of affairs. Having said that I appreciate it's a very emotive subject, and of course those who have been betrayed are hurting and those that are betraying are justifying, I guess. However, the fact is affairs happen, and they happen often. This does not make all those involved bad people, and I think to view them as such causes us to perhaps miss aspects of human relations which we can learn from and grow.

 

Just recently I was informed that a headmaster I know is divorcing his wife and moving in with a lady who has been a colleague for some years. Of course, I don't know how the STB ex-wife feels about this, and I have every respect for that naturally, but the point is the marriage is over for him. Why make a fool out of himself and her by pretending it's not?

 

So yes, it can happen. Affairs are relationships, after all. True, they come with a set of ready-made hurdles as do some other types of relationships, but if both parties are of the same intention, they can lead to long-term happiness.

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I married my affair and we've been together for close to 20 years now (and I was her affair).

 

We are both extremely happy together and I certainly don't regret having the affair for a single minute. I'm sure my wife would say the same.

 

How long did you keep the affair secret? Just curious because I've read that the shorter the time of deception and the more honesty one brings to the situation, telling the betrayed spouse, introducing the AP to others, the more likely the affair can turn into a healthy, lasting relationship. The case I know of personally worked this way. Others on LS have described a year or more of deception and plans to always keep how they met secret from family and friends, but it remains to be seen (in their cases) whether this works or not.

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"When you marry your Mistress, you create a job opportunity."

 

Sir James Goldsmith - upon having just married his then mistress, Lady Annabel Birley in 1978.

 

 

He promptly embarked on an affair with an aristocratic Frenchwoman, Laure Boulay de la Meurthe which lasted until his death, in 1997, aged 64.

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How long did you keep the affair secret? Just curious because I've read that the shorter the time of deception and the more honesty one brings to the situation, telling the betrayed spouse, introducing the AP to others, the more likely the affair can turn into a healthy, lasting relationship. The case I know of personally worked this way. Others on LS have described a year or more of deception and plans to always keep how they met secret from family and friends, but it remains to be seen (in their cases) whether this works or not.

 

Our affair went on for a little over a year before we both left our marriages.

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I know the odds are that people who have an affair and end up marrying the other person and are HAPPY are not going to be on this board. But maybe some are. :cool:

 

I know there are consequences to A's and even if you end up together, there will likely be some lingering issues.

 

But who here did marry or intends to marry their OW/OM/MM/MW and is still together?

 

Not seeking advice..just starting a topic I'm curious about.

 

We married, and are still happily together.

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I married my AP , and we have been very happy, all things considered. She has grown remarkably as a person since her days as a trophy wife, or it would not have happened. BTW we are expecting in June!!:D

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My STBXW and I had an A for about a year before she got D and we got M. We've been together for 18 years. It was great for 15 years, then she got involved in multiple A's. We are getting D for that, an many other reasons.

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findingnemo

The problem with this subject is that it's hard to find people willing to be open about what actually happened. The fact is many As end up in happy Ms, just like many many people end up in bad Ms.

 

I know a few couples who have married after having an A. Forget about the ones I know. Prince Charles and Camilla are a very good example. I think Faith Hill and Tim McGraw too. It really depends on the kind of people involved, how they handled falling for someone else while committed and whether it was true love or not.

 

Affair partners in Ms have the same issues as non-A partners in Ms. They still have to deal with kids from a previous M, the ex-partner, etc. Oh yeah, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. See...there are some examples we can give that defy logic to those of us on the outside.

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KeepMeInMind

I think Garth Brooks was seeing or at least very emotionally involved with Trisha before he divorced his ex. All that I can find is that they "started dating" when he filed. They'd been recording music together for years. I think a strong tie like that is hard to replicate.

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My sister has been married to her affair partner for 15 years now.

 

They only had an affair for about 1 year before leaving their Xspouses.

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I married my AP , and we have been very happy, all things considered. She has grown remarkably as a person since her days as a trophy wife, or it would not have happened. BTW we are expecting in June!!:D

 

Awww, congrats JJ :)

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Mutant Debutante

My mom had several affairs...probably is still having them. She's married a couple of them. Her marriages never last though.

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I know of some who've M'ed. It's really anyones guess if they are truly 'happy' or not. One in particular, not happy at all. Another, both happy as they can be.

 

I wonder tho...is thier happiess worth the pain inflicted to others?

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Stillgrowing

This is not my experience, but that of a friend. She and her xh were married for about 10 years. Had very young children. The marriage was fairly dead. He was living in the coach house over the garage bc he couldn't take the babies crying at night. She had an A, and during that A had an A. She told her then husband that she had the A and was leaving. He was mad, but relieved. She says it was easier for both of them to blame the A than to blame herself or blame him. She married her AP. The AP/DH has major trust issues even tho he was also married and left his wife for her. Her xh ended up very, very happily married and says for all the bs they went through, he found the "love of his life". He's probably the happiest out of everyone. They have a very, very good relationship. I've met the x several times and his new (very lovely, well suited to him) wife. My friend and her dh are considering divorcing over his trust issues among other things. It's funny b/c out of all my friends, she is probably the least likely to have an A now. She says it just wasn't worth it. She wishes she had left and then made her other choices.

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KeepMeInMind
The problem with this subject is that it's hard to find people willing to be open about what actually happened. The fact is many As end up in happy Ms, just like many many people end up in bad Ms.

 

I know a few couples who have married after having an A. Forget about the ones I know. Prince Charles and Camilla are a very good example. I think Faith Hill and Tim McGraw too. It really depends on the kind of people involved, how they handled falling for someone else while committed and whether it was true love or not.

 

Affair partners in Ms have the same issues as non-A partners in Ms. They still have to deal with kids from a previous M, the ex-partner, etc. Oh yeah, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. See...there are some examples we can give that defy logic to those of us on the outside.

 

 

Just thought of another one. Johnny Cash and June Carter. Married 35 years, died 4 months apart. There is a very special bond between people who are both very passionate about something, and especially when they can do that something together. :love:

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Correction.....Tim McGraw wasn't married before marrying Faith. Faith was not married when they started seeing each other, although she was engaged. Considered an affair.......don't think so.

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I wouldn't go so far as to say there are always trust issues. I have no trust issues at all with my wife nor does she have any with me.

 

There are certainly relationships that don't work out long term between affair partners, but there are also those that do. That isn't to say that the relationship doesn't automatically start out with some built in potholes at the beginning, but if the partnership was really "meant to be", then those can normally be patched up pretty quickly (all things considered) and the relationship grown from there.

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analystfromhell

I married my affair- well I was separated at the time but it's close enough. She stuck with me though the divorce and made a great attempt at forming a bond with my kids. It's a difficult process and I give her a lot of credit for helping me through it.

 

Fast forward a few years and she's in an EA which we are working through (MC). I'm not sure it'll ultimately work out and would caution anyone considering this direction to really think it through and give yourself a lot of time. We waited three years to get married and that was not enough time- seriously.

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my fiancee married his affair partner, they have 2 children, and seem happy.

 

I know the odds are that people who have an affair and end up marrying the other person and are HAPPY are not going to be on this board. But maybe some are. :cool:

 

I know there are consequences to A's and even if you end up together, there will likely be some lingering issues.

 

But who here did marry or intends to marry their OW/OM/MM/MW and is still together?

 

Not seeking advice..just starting a topic I'm curious about.

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ten something or other.

 

I married my AP , and we have been very happy, all things considered. She has grown remarkably as a person since her days as a trophy wife, or it would not have happened. BTW we are expecting in June!!:D
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