Samson Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Another wonderful Saturday spent at marriage counselor. Today's topic: Stress Root Cause: Fear of Death It was interesting to trace the root cause for all stress inducing events, from hangnails to losing jobs to our most basic fear. It was then even more revealing to analyze the real probability that death may occur from any stress inducing event. But most useful, was being told that the energy from the adreniline rush that stress may bring could be into constructively chanelled before mental fuses begin to melt down. All I need is a little marriage counsellor to carry around in my pocket, and everything should turn out great. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 have you seen donnie darko? it was an alright movie, not great, but it does a great job of parodying therapy schools that talk broadly and simplistically about 'fear' and 'love' being the two basic motivators of humankind. though i can't actually tell if you are being sardonic or not. did anything useful happen? what did *you* talk about this time? what did she? love your avatar, by the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 Thanks jen, really like your av. too and wonder who you bribed to get it on since cannot believe it is less than 100X100! Anyway, once again, much of "our" problems seem to be my own. I get stressed about bank statements, pay checks, and almost anything involving money. The root cause of this is my irrational fear of choking on a squirrel bone under a bridge whilst living out of a cardboard box. Obviously, this won't happen. Rather than using the energy this stress causes to continue to encourage my wife to work, an anoying habit in her view, I'll work a triple shift at Micky D's, if of course worst came to worst. Naturally, my wife has none of the stressful feelings about money, and really didn't understand why I would be bothered by the subject as long as I can flip a hamberger. She gets stressed with our kids. The root cause is a little visit from Child Protective Services after some incredibly spitful neighbor/"friend"/relative (you see, guessing is the really fun part) called the agency which sent a case worker to our house unannounced to interview the kids and inspect them for bruising. This was, of course frightening for us all since CPS has the authority in our state to immediately remove the kids from the home if cause is found. At any rate, the case worker told us the purpose of his visit was one of many that seemed to have been conjured up in some idiot's imagination. Anyway, although the incident happened many years ago, it haunts her to an irrational degree whenever the kids misbehave, ironically causing her to get even more "strict" with them at night when they may prevent her from sleeping, causing her to be irritable the next day, and possibly doing some harm to them that may lead to another visit from government agencies. I'm not sure how we decided she could redirect the energy from her fear induced adreniline rush, but I'm certain it wasn't directed toward gainful employment. That summarizes the jist of our discussion. Cannot wait until next week. (Yeah, I think I'm being sardonic, but the great thing about it is not really knowing) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Is it possible for you two to discuss these concerns at all in a way that does not involve blaming and sarcasm? Is she totally against working, or is it that she's dug in her heels because of the way you two approach it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 Exploring the possibilities you've just mentioned is why we're there. Hope I can answer before posting HELL: DAY 60 Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 my understanding of good therapy is that there is a period of anger and blame; it's part of the process. repressing that impulse just makes it worse. my 'rents, when they found someone decent, told them they were going to have a rough first two months; they did, but they knew it was coming. i guess i find your anger raw and *real.* i love reading your posts, honestly, because it is good writing. that's an aesthetic response, and selfish, but it's like you are unfiltered by the bull$hit man-ponytail oprah sentiment when it comes to anger. they refresh; they remind me of hemingway. and i think you will get further with blood truth than mealy mouth therapy-speak. my mom had the hardest time, as i do, getting past our certainty that we are superb people with no anger and no faults. we can laugh about it now; we think it has to do with getting our way with our looks too often. our attitudes slow down the healing process considerably; it's irritating, i imagine, for all concerned. i feel for your wife, too. i frankly feel there but the grace of horrible poverty go i. i will always work, and i would expect and want a man to shun-dump me if i did not. it's weirdly affirming of an implicit ethic to read your posts. i feel like most men don't value a woman with a hyper work-ethic. lol - anyway, sorry to shanghai your therapy, babies, it's really your writing style that i'm hooked on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 Just had a great post counselling chat with wife, who awoke from her two hour afternoon nap to accuse me, during a lengthy, sharp-toned tirade of waisting my time on that "stupid" computer. After all, I could have been accomplishing all kinds of things. Taking a nap, for example. Nothing like waking after a nap to feel refreshed and ready for the attack of the shrew. Well, I had taken some sinus medication and explained how I felt that my cold had finally progressed into a full-blown infection. Now I could visit the Dr. on Monday to get antibiotics which would finally kill of these damned bugs. However, I didn't feel like taking a nap. Still, there was the list of alternative activities she felt were far superior; Doing yard work; playing with the kids. Although the kids do know how to find me if they want to play, I thought I'd find them: Question, do you guys wanna play? Answer, We're playing with our soldiers---Can we have a pellet gun?? No. Absolutely NOT (End of quality time). Did not feel up to mowing the yard in January, so I'm back here. My sense is the she resents communication with anyone but herself. I wonder; What would motivate me to communicate with others? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 A theory which is mine: There is a disorder called 'generalize anxiety disorder'. I think there is something which could be called 'generalized anger disorder'. Essentially, a person's body is cranking out the anger neurotransmitters so a person feels angry. Since we humans seek reasons for our feelings, person seizes on whatever situation or individual is handy as the 'cause' of the anger. I only figured this out when I was out of my marriage. Husband would fly off the handle unexpectedly - each occasion had a different reason. One time it would be because the dishes weren't done, so I'd be sure to have them done and then it'd be something else. It finally occurred to me that he was just unhappy. One day, he actually got mad at a cup of coffee which spilled. It was that incident which led me to figure out that anger can occur independently and the angry person may be inaccurately identifying the cause. She woke up grumpy and figured it must be because of you. Other times, it's been the kids. Underneath it all is something causing the anger. In my ex's case, it was probably shame because he was gay and knew his dad would likely not have been happy about it. Yes, it's my two-bit unprofessional analysis, but people are angry because of pain - you have to do a lot of digging to find what pain is causing the anger. Link to post Share on other sites
anotheropinion Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I don't know. It seems like Samson is the angry one. It's hard to imagine how therapy is going to work with the attitiude he exudes. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 What, you think maybe he's a touch hostile? A trifle - oh - contemptuous, maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 how therapy is going to work with the attitiude he exudes you think maybe he's a touch hostile? A trifle - oh - contemptuous, maybe? I wonder what would be the more appropriate "attitude" to "exude?" Should I be skipping ahead, throwing down rose petals in front of or path to the marriage counsellor's office every week? So, you're surprised or disappointed? I'm not one of the bewildered oalfs you see on Dr. Phil, am I M? I not have expressed earnest politically correct comments emmitted on sunbeams through the positive, pithy air floating above a live audience? Or should I be emulating whatever attitude you had going through the ringer M? Did you expected another tone from a thread titled "HELL: DAY 2, Death and DESTRUCTION?" Don't wait for any apologies: If you don't approve of the tone, then suggest you stick to prescribing treatments for all the weapy sad stories describing love's labor lost after an adolesent's "long" two or three month "committment," on LS. This more "hostile" reality might be to much for the faint of heart. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Keep posting Samson. Your posts from marital hell are some of the finest I've ever read on LS. I can't really help you, I suspect no one here can. But your adult, bitter and unsparing accounts of an unraveling marriage are unrivaled. Good luck, my man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 So focused was I on questioning the surprising posts and motives of others in the wee morning hours, that my original intent was derailed; a weekly chronicle of daily events surrounding a 1.5 hour counselling session. After composing the post concerning the snippish lecture from well rested wife, my older son asked if I was going to accompany the family to church. Taunting others about being part of organized religion is something I grew out of about 20 years ago, and now see some value in the institutions that may attempt to teach ethical values despite individuals within the church committing occasional moral indescretions. Besides, it sounded like he wanted me. We'd all better pay attention to kids when they want their parents, so I went. My wife and I chatted cordially (small talk), and, I assume, she had a cleansing, thearaputic, cordial chat with her forgiving god. Returned home and volunteered to pick up take-out Italian. Sat around with the family all evening, watching TV, playing with kids. Visited discussion board for about an hour after kids fell asleep. There is a reason for all the boring minute detail: Wife never joined me in bed last night. Wonder where I might have strayed on this day? One more thing to my friends that wonder why SOME husbands might become "bitter:" This has been a more typical ending to a Saturday night for the past decade. Link to post Share on other sites
beenthereguest Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Did you ask her to join you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 Now, there's a great question. Second best would be: Have I asked her why since last night? Answer to both #1 and #2: No Now for door number 3: Why haven't you discussed this subject? I probably will tonight. I've discovered that if I'm going to "open a can of worms," living with the fall out all Sunday can be the only, and most unpleasent, result. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 I'm sorry Samson....I was stuck in a bad marriage. Finally got to the point of everytime he drove up in the yard, I'd get nauseated. I don't think there is anything more miserable in life....than being tied to a marriage which really DOES feel like a 'ball and chain'. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Ah Samson. You do have such a delightful way with words that your posts become quite entertaining. The very sad fact is, that such a miserable situation as your struggling marriage, can be turned into entertaining anecdotes which draw a small wry smile to the lips of Lshackers, ever eager for dirty gossip from the lives of others (sometimes I think we are somewhat voyeuristic). I am among those who enjoy the smart witty sarcastic tone your posts exude, and find myself checking in for updates. However, I am sure behind the bitterness and humour lies plenty of pain and anguish. So I send you my best wishes, and hope things work out for you, one way or the other. I will add that, I used to be a regular churchgoer in my youth. God can be a lovely supportive spirit, but his followers can sometimes be anything but. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 19, 2004 Author Share Posted January 19, 2004 The very sad fact is, that such a miserable situation as your struggling marriage, can be turned into entertaining anecdotes which draw a small wry smile to the lips of Lshackers, ever eager for dirty gossip from the lives of others (sometimes I think we are somewhat voyeuristic). I do not view any LS posting this way for two reasons: 1. Unlike gawkers at an accidental carwreck, LS readers view posts that have been made voluntarily. We have offered others the chance to view. 2. Unlike victims of some accident, we have a motive of our own for posting our situations, however miserable. Is it very true that misery loves company? I don't feel as if I'm living in a vacuume when I read any responses to my thread, and it is comforting. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Originally posted by Samson 1. Unlike gawkers at an accidental carwreck, LS readers view posts that have been made voluntarily. We have offered others the chance to view. 2. Unlike victims of some accident, we have a motive of our own for posting our situations, however miserable. Is it very true that misery loves company? I don't feel as if I'm living in a vacuume when I read any responses to my thread, and it is comforting. Yes, these are definately good points Samson, and I would have to say these are the reasons I post about my problems. It IS indeed a comfort, especially when a few people respond and you know you are not alone. Perhaps I was a bit too quick to judge in my last reply and oversimplify something. Sometimes I suppose, when reading your entertaining posts, I feel concerned we may be deriving TOO much entertainment from something which is actually rather dark and sad. That your life, is turned into a black comedy or soap opera. Then again, if it provides you with release, and helps us all laugh at life's sh*t than that is not a bad thing. Perhaps rather than voyeurs, we are actually all drawing comfort from not only receiving responses, but reading about other people's problems and realising we are not alone in having problems. So are lots of others. We are not some abnormal creature in an abnormal relationship, but rather just coping with normal life stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Yes do keep posting Samson, I find your writing style hugely enntertaining and cathartic and I can't believe you would have phrased it so if you had not intended it thus. The more I hear from you the more I admire your determination to weather the "Hell" and find out if your marriage has a chance of working. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Dang Samson if you discuss things with your family the way you write in posts, it must be like talking to an articulate robot! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 Dang Samson if you discuss things with your family the way you write in posts, it must be like talking to an articulate robot! THANK YOU Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by Samson THANK YOU Took me a while, but *laughs* Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts