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False Accusation.............


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how do you get past it.

 

Been married to the girl of my dreams for almost 20 years. She has recently gotten her hormones in check and is feeling and looking really good. Definitely does NOT look like she has had seven kids.

 

Her updated looks and increased libido has produced some insecurities within myself. Three weekends ago, I accused her of having an affair. This was a one time accusation, but I KNOW it hurt nonetheless. As you can imagine, she is VERY angry with me right now. Have asked her several times if she will forgive me and the response I get is that "I am working on it".

 

Like I said, this was a ONE time accusation:(. This has NOT been a pattern in our marriage, this was a one time statement (VERY stupid on my part). I have gotten my emotions in check and am moving forward. I have forgiven myself and am not trying to dwell in the past, just living each day as it comes.

 

Is this one stupid mistake on my part a deal breaker???? I can't lose this woman!! She still tells me she loves me, still kisses me before bed, we still sleep in the same bed, but as you can imagine, not a whole lot of emotion right now. She has said that she does not want to leave but this healing process will take a LOT of time, I know. The responsibility lies with me.

 

Has this happened to anyone else out there?

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:lmao::lmao::lmao:Sorry for laughing but your in such deep poop:laugh:

On less there is something else your not saying I don't think this is a deal breaker for a 20 year marriage. It sounds like it's more of a wake up call for you to get yourself back in shape maybe & an opportunity for the two of you to start working on the two of you again. Seven kids is a lot but I would recommend that if your one of those couples who have become mom & dad that you begin to concentrate on being a couple again. You need to date your wife regularly. You both need to work on this but right now you owe her :laugh:

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What do you mean by a one time accusation?

 

Was it one comment, quickly retracted?

 

Or was this something that you stewed over for weeks, and then insisted was true, citing evidence?

 

How did this accusation go down?

 

It would make a big difference to me.

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:lmao::lmao::lmao:Sorry for laughing but your in such deep poop:laugh:

On less there is something else your not saying I don't think this is a deal breaker for a 20 year marriage. It sounds like it's more of a wake up call for you to get yourself back in shape maybe & an opportunity for the two of you to start working on the two of you again. Seven kids is a lot but I would recommend that if your one of those couples who have become mom & dad that you begin to concentrate on being a couple again. You need to date your wife regularly. You both need to work on this but right now you owe her :laugh:

 

Yeah, thanks! I know that I am in deep poop! At least she is still talking to me.

 

You are correct, we have been in the baby mode for SOOOOO long that we really have not had time as a couple. We have always had a good relationship, no mistrust, no unfaithfulness, etc. Why I said what I said, I will NEVER know.

 

All I do know is that it is going to take time to heal. Hope she GIVES me the time!

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What do you mean by a one time accusation?

 

Was it one comment, quickly retracted?

 

Or was this something that you stewed over for weeks, and then insisted was true, citing evidence?

 

How did this accusation go down?

 

It would make a big difference to me.

 

The conversation went something like this (exact words)......

 

Me: "it's not like I am accusing you of sleeping with him"

Her: "that's what it sounds like to me"

 

That was it. Nothing more was said. She is 40, has regained her fountain of youth, looks stunning, has the body of an 18 year old, and overall a little more outgoing than she has been in the last 19 years. It was pure jealousy and insecurity on my part. I know that now :(. I am working with a counselor to get my emotions in check....................

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Use the power of Vday don't talk about it. Just get her some flowers, candy, and jewlery.

 

Also if some ones sexual pattern totaly changes I think its valid to worry about cheating/fidelity and if it was on your mind its fine. False Accusation makes it sound like a you accused some man of raping you or something like that falsely... you know a legal/public matter

 

She has recently gotten her hormones in check and while I was away on a business trip last November (week before Thanksgiving), I came home to a different woman than what I left. The Friday I got home, in between 3 in the afternoon and midnight, we had sex four times! That has NEVER happened before. Needless to say, that weekend was AWESOME!!

 

Stupid me, went to Dr. Google to see what could be causing such a change and the first answer was "Is Your Spouse Cheating". That opened the floodgates of insecurity as you can imagine!

 

It has taken 2 and a half months and ONE stupid accusation, but I am secure with ME, finally! What happens happens! I know now that I cannot control anything no matter what happens! I have never talked to my wife in our entire marriage like I have talked to her in the last couple of months. Jealousy and insecurity is evil! Period!!!

 

I have a relationship to repair and I am working towards that goal!!!

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I don't know how you accused her... but you thinking something was up is very valid. It is very strange to after 20 years have something so far from what you're used to happen.

 

It was more of an insinuation.......SHE took it as an accusal.

 

And you are right, I HAVE moved on. I am no longer beating myself up over this matter, which I might add, has ticked her off even more! Told her last night that I will never forget the pain that I caused her, but for the sake of her and our children, I HAVE to move on and start taking care of me and our relationship.

 

Time will tell................

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Well then you know you're right! You did nothing wrong, you're now just dealing with an ilogical women. So use today to you're advantage. Today is a woman day! You are a man and can fully exploit that.

 

Yes, my wife can be VERY stubborn sometimes. I KNOW that what I said hurt her and have tried to 'talk' to her about what her actions did to me. Obviously that went over like a fart in church. In her words, it is ALL about her right now. OK, I can deal with that. I am still going to live my life to the fullest.

 

As far as VD is concerned, she not a huge fan at all, never has been. Did something simple before I left for work this morning................a single rose laying on a bed of Hershey's Kisses formed in the shape of a heart! Pretty sappy, I know, but she ADORES Hershey's Kisses. Wonder what her attitude will be like when I get home??

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Well then you know you're right! You did nothing wrong, you're now just dealing with an ilogical women. So use today to you're advantage. Today is a woman day! You are a man and can fully exploit that.

 

Falsely accusing ones wife of 20 years of having an affair IS doing something wrong. It was done because of insecurities. Couples either grow together or they grow apart & left to chance, the chances are they will grow apart, so the conclusion is you work, together, every single day on growing together, both of you.

 

One day the kids will be gone & if you & your wife find yourselves sitting across the table as only parents & no longer lovers you will be in for a rocky road.

 

Woman's day!? This is your wife, short of being a door mat, in your eyes it should be her day every day & you need to work on getting to the point, again, where she feels the same about you as far as working on your relationship. Don't wait for this to go away, to think a single obligatory day is going to fix a damn thing, this is a life style not an event, for god sake!

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Falsely accusing ones wife of 20 years of having an affair IS doing something wrong. It was done because of insecurities. Couples either grow together or they grow apart & left to chance, the chances are they will grow apart, so the conclusion is you work, together, every single day on growing together, both of you.

 

One day the kids will be gone & if you & your wife find yourselves sitting across the table as only parents & no longer lovers you will be in for a rocky road.

 

Woman's day!? This is your wife, short of being a door mat, in your eyes it should be her day every day & you need to work on getting to the point, again, where she feels the same about you as far as working on your relationship. Don't wait for this to go away, to think a single obligatory day is going to fix a damn thing, this is a life style not an event, for god sake!

 

I hear what you are screaming.........

 

Just two weeks ago, she thanked me for ALWAYS putting her needs and the needs of our children in front of my own. That is how I have treated her our entire marriage. She also told me that she would be foolish to look elsewhere and I quote "where would I find someone else that worships the ground that I walk on?".

 

During our marriage, I have ALWAYS tried to do the little things...........I open doors for her, refill her ice water, run to the store late at night so she can have a chocolate fix, etc. I KNOW what I said stings, I am just wishing that her heart would soften just a little. Just a little.............

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It sounds then like you know what to do.

You know, a lot has changed with her hormones, I'm assuming this is menopausal or was there some other medical issue? No matter. We all try to get to the doctors for regular check ups, to the dentist for cleaning and check but we neglect our mental/emotional health. You and your wife might want to see a relationship councelor or you may want to talk to one in a bit more detail than here:)

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It sounds then like you know what to do.

You know, a lot has changed with her hormones, I'm assuming this is menopausal or was there some other medical issue? No matter. We all try to get to the doctors for regular check ups, to the dentist for cleaning and check but we neglect our mental/emotional health. You and your wife might want to see a relationship councelor or you may want to talk to one in a bit more detail than here:)

 

I am actually seeing counselor right now to help with my anxieties/insecurities. It has been a great help and I know that my wife has seen the difference in just a couple of visits.

 

During the 'baby' years, she had little to no energy, very little libido, and was just all around not happy. About 2 years ago, she started seeing a doctor that specializes in hormone replacement therapy and it has really changed her life. Too bad I screwed it up! She was really excited to be interested in sex again and is disappointed that her emotionally unstable (at the time, not now) husband screwed it up for her.

 

Like I said earlier, I think time will heal this. How much time? Don't know. I am going to give it all I have though....................

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Bottom line, does it sound like this deal can be saved?? That is my primary concern right now. I am battling, literally battling every day to make sure that her needs are completely met and that I am fulfilling my duties as a husband and father. I am not going overboard on the 'Love' right now because I know that she is needing space. I am not getting a whole lot of reciprocation from her right now. Maybe I should accept it and keep doing what I have been doing............

 

I am sure it will NEVER be forgotten, but my hope is that, in time, it will dull and we can move on with our lives!! We have small children in the house and I would HATE for my actions to have screwed that up!

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He said he didn't out right accuse her "YOU CHEATED! YOU CHEATING TROLIP!" He merely was worried if she cheated and it's understandble she'd find that insulting but cmon she had completley changed the way she was with him over the course of one weekend. He's alloud to worry and if he's dropped it then I see no need for continued drama over this.

 

Woman's day!? Yes what did you think Vday was for the boys!

 

She got her hormones in alignment, those changes are largely involuntary & if she had a problem before she was probably feeling pretty good about herself. Insinuation is just a degree of accusation & by her reaction she was hurt & that's what he needs to focus on. And yes, he is allowed to be concerned but making her feel like she did something wrong was NOT, in any way the proper way to handle that & he needs to own that.

 

My point isn't that this is a him versus her thing here. That thinking is what leads to divorce or breakups. This is a team, not 2 teams competing for which one is more right or wrong than the other.

 

Vday is not a quick fix. He need to acknowledge her on this day but it is an obligatory event not the process he needs to be concerned about. Yes there better be flowers & he needs to get it right but tomorrow he needs to work on the relationship.

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Forgotten is the key word. I don't unstertand why it isn't just forgotten if you said you're sorry and months have gone by...

 

I mean you must have screwed up worse then this in 20 years. I've done way worse then this and been forgiven. WAY WORSE.

Get help navyvet, I suspect there's more than your telling, probably more than you know & a chat forum isn't going to save your marriage if that's the case..

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Get help navyvet, I suspect there's more than your telling, probably more than you know & a chat forum isn't going to save your marriage if that's the case..

 

The 'accusation' happened three weekends ago. I have been battling episodes of anxiety/insecurity (with NO accusations) for the last two months!! That is it. Now you know EVERYTHING.

 

And I am seeing a counselor. First couple of sessions have been very valuable in getting me straightened out............

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Is her hormone problem related to menopause? That sounds very suspect at this point.

 

No.........she is only 40. The reason for getting the hormones checked out in the first place is that her hormones where at menopausal levels. She is way too young for that.............I would think.

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The 'accusation' happened three weekends ago. I have been battling episodes of anxiety/insecurity (with NO accusations) for the last two months!! That is it. Now you know EVERYTHING.

 

And I am seeing a counselor. First couple of sessions have been very valuable in getting me straightened out............

 

Anxiety and insecurity about her fidelity? Or just in general?

 

Did the sex romp and subsequent google search result in the fears about infidelity, or were you suspecting for the last 2 months?

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Anxiety and insecurity about her fidelity? Or just in general?

 

Did the sex romp and subsequent google search result in the fears about infidelity, or were you suspecting for the last 2 months?

 

To begin with, it was just anxiety and insecurity in general. When I went to 'Dr. Google', that is when the infidelity fears reared its ugly head. Other than her appearance and more outward/outgoing attitude, there were no other signs of infidelity. As previously stated, she is not the same person that I have been living with for the past 19 years (we will be celebrating 20 in June)..........

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Dr. Google usually presents the most extreme cases as those who resolve their problems successfully don't follow up nearly as much as those who have had poor experiences.

 

If she is going through hormone therapy isn't she being monitored regularly until they are sure she has stabilized?

 

I don't know all that much about it other than people are generally monitored by the hormone/druggist, doctor or in some cases a psychiatrist or mental health care specialist. I've also heard very good things about it but also a few scary transitions stories.

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Like I said, this was a ONE time accusation

 

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if this was already discussed.

 

Was the sole reason for accusing her is that she was looking good? Or was there something else, like her going out more?

 

 

Is this one stupid mistake on my part a deal breaker????

 

I wouldn't think so, as long as you two have a talk and you explain that there is just a little insecurity on your part because she looks good now.

 

I can't lose this woman!! She still tells me she loves me, still kisses me before bed, we still sleep in the same bed, but as you can imagine, not a whole lot of emotion right now. She has said that she does not want to leave but this healing process will take a LOT of time, I know.

 

She wants to leave over a one time accusation? Hmmm, I don't know. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to rile you up, but if she even had a fleeting thought of leaving for a one time accusation, maybe there is something to it.

 

But again, what was the reason for accusing her?

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I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if this was already discussed.

 

Was the sole reason for accusing her is that she was looking good? Or was there something else, like her going out more?

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't think so, as long as you two have a talk and you explain that there is just a little insecurity on your part because she looks good now.

 

 

 

She wants to leave over a one time accusation? Hmmm, I don't know. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to rile you up, but if she even had a fleeting thought of leaving for a one time accusation, maybe there is something to it.

 

But again, what was the reason for accusing her?

 

I think that the reason for the accusation was that she was feeling and looking great, was a little more outgoing than she had been in the past, and our intimacy has gone through the roof! That is the big one...........

 

I have been dealing with the insecurity and anxiety for the last two months. I feel that I have it under control, but is it a little too late??

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Ok, after posting what I did above, I read this. I hate to sound cynical, but here it goes

 

The conversation went something like this (exact words)......

 

Me: "it's not like I am accusing you of sleeping with him"

Her: "that's what it sounds like to me"

 

You aren't giving us much detail as to why this came up.

 

Who is "him", and what is the nature of "his" relationship with your wife? And does she spend alot of time alone with him?

 

Is this a guy she just knows? Or was she in his company at inappropriate times/places? Like going out to clubs with him or something?

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I think that the reason for the accusation was that she was feeling and looking great, was a little more outgoing than she had been in the past, and our intimacy has gone through the roof! That is the big one...........

 

I have been dealing with the insecurity and anxiety for the last two months. I feel that I have it under control, but is it a little too late??

 

Is it too late? I don't think so at all as long as that was the one time conversation you had with her and it was dropped after that.

 

But again, her thoughts of not wanting to leave meant she HAS thought about leaving. So something is odd. If what you stated was all that was said, nobody thinks they are going to leave over a one time incident like that...unless there IS something to your insinuation.

 

Not saying this is the case. But something not quite right.

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