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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 13th January 2004, 10:04 AM   #16
cdn
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Some people like to hold grudges.
I canít help thinking that women do it more often than men.
Oh, I dunno about that. In my house, it is my husband who is far more likely to bring up something that happened years ago that I thought had been hashed to death and settled. It's frustrating because it seems you never move on but just keep adding to the heap!
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Old 13th January 2004, 10:16 AM   #17
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I don't think holding grudges is gender based. I suspect individual differences, not gender, determine one's grudge holding propensity.

Why do we hold grudges? What's the pay-off? Is a grudge merely righteous hostility?

Grudges are fascinating.
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Old 13th January 2004, 1:13 PM   #18
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i'd much rather have revenge than a grudge. revenge can be gorgeous: symmetrical, ironic, james bondian, full of cleavage; grudges just seem tight lipped and prissy, like martyrs' hair shirts.
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Old 13th January 2004, 2:15 PM   #19
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Good point, jen. There's something almost Nietzschean about revenge, a grandeur. A grudge, in contrast, smacks of pettiness, sneakiness and the cultivation of martyrdom--resentment.

Maybe,in a marital relationship, a grudge is more adaptive, less apocalyptic, than revenge. Maybe a grudge is simply a partially repressed urge to wreck revenge. Revenge, if fully exacted, however, might end many a marital relationship. A grudge, if nursed, heightens the holder's sense of victimhood and sense of importance. The marriage is maintained but so is the festering sense of grievance. In fact, if not decoupled, a strong grudge can rot a marriage from within.
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Old 13th January 2004, 4:13 PM   #20
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Why do we hold grudges?
Some people have a very weak ego, and they are willing to do almost anything to protect it. I guess these people arenít willing to accept anything less than equal for payback, but for their own reasons, they arenít willing to act on it. Maybe it is illegal. Maybe they know that they will get caught. Maybe they have too much to lose.
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revenge can be gorgeous
I disagree. Revenge can hurt your intended victim, but others can get hurt in the process.
Sometimes, the punishment doesnít fit the crime. For example, a man had an affair. After finding out, his wife kills him by running over him twice with his own car.

Grudges are boring when compared to revenge. How many songs and movies are based on revenge?
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Old 13th January 2004, 4:21 PM   #21
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o! i agree! hence the modal of can be! most people don't arrange revenge very well at all - there's no planning, no art, no discipline, no perspective and technique. just too much jerry springer. and you're right, the wrong people can get hurt.

grudges, alternately, usually don't hurt anyone but the grudge-keeper.

there is an amazing paper floating around somewhere on the net called 'the aesthetics of revenge' - it totally changed my opinion of it as a theme.

i could not pull revenge myself. my attention span is too short and i'm too distracted by books; ditto with grudges. but i do think revenge has a less petty purpose and can be an art form, when done selectively and well.

wow, samson. sorry so off topic. we'll start a new thread if we get any more excited.
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Old 13th January 2004, 5:19 PM   #22
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Some people have a very weak ego, and they are willing to do almost anything to protect it.
I believe your right, BlockHead. Could a grudge simply be a weak ego's defense mechanism?

I wonder if there are ego integration/self-esteem studies showing a positive correlation between the tendency to hold grudges and low self-esteem or self-confidence. The notion does have an intuitive appeal.
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Old 13th January 2004, 8:13 PM   #23
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[quote]revenge can be gorgeous: symmetrical, ironic, james bondian, full of cleavage; grudges just seem tight lipped and prissy, like martyrs' hair shirts[quote]

Hey Jen, no apology necessary as long as I can use your quote terrific writing!
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